A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 4 yrs calls me names like schizo, stupid, and sometimes when he really tempers up he says " I wish you were dead". He had agression and anger problems, and it flares up on me because I dont stand up for myself and I keep it all quiet. Well, I am gtting pretty sick of it. I dont like name calling nor would want him to do that. Last week, we have gone to see a movie and went out to eat before that, this has happened. While passing by a store on the street waking towards the restaurant, I uttered to that i liked the dress that I just saw. he heard my uttering but didnt understand what I said and so so, while holding my hand he squeezed my very hand till i said ouch it hurts. When we got to the restaurant, we sat outside and then I said that was mean of him to do and he replied to me F*** You very loudly that other people beside us look at us and I just felt hopeless and helpless. I have tried to talk to his sister about this, so maybe she could talk to him. But she reacted saying "that's not possible and it's not like him". I feel just helpless, because he has anger issues and when he flares up, it is only when it me and him present, but when someone else is in the picture, he acts all nice and polite and on occassions suggests that something may be wrong with me. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007): I answered u earlier (said was in similar situation)...if he is using drugs and hiding it from u watch for him to be "sewating" alot..i mean ALOT! Not cuz its hot out but crazy sweating its a classic withdrwal symptom from some narcotics n harder drugs like meth,coke..speed..etc..Nightmares are another sign to watch for also..im tlkn frequent..very disturbing nightmares..(we all have 'em but really how often?..not much right?)Mood swings are aonther sign hes usin...Im not sayin your man is..but he defenitly could be.
I was with a man for long time never knew once he was doing meth n other drugs...some ppl can hide it soo good.
My heart goes out to you...cuz this sounds all too familar to me..and it was actualy more scarier to leave than it was to stay.
Remember....DONT believe a single word he says ( when u do leave...he'll try to sweet talk n guilt u into staying but honey, hes soo not worth it. Make sure u go someplace he cant find you...
Im a fimr beliver that soo many mental disorders go undiagnosed cuz ppl say they have "anger problems"...I just dont want to see another girl go threw what i went threw...please...get away from this man...sure it'll hurt n be tough at first...but find support in your friends n online too.
A
male
reader, willem  +, writes (11 June 2007):
 sounds like a bit more than just anger ;r u sure he's not using drugs or maybe drinkink alot - that could explain the moods when hes between deffirent people.people like this doesn't change overnight and the way i c it ,being with him might become a personal risk. my advice would be to create some space between u two ,but keep an eye on him and if things worsen make the space bigger till u get use to be without him and by then youll c its not worth to spent your live with someone like that . ............. best of luck *
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A
female
reader, superfly +, writes (11 June 2007):
IF you continue with this kind of trauma, your idenity and self-esteem will become irreversible to find happiness.It seems like he suffers from a case of undiagnosed mental illness, and if this is true, you should contact the police and make a report so that your well being can be protected and supported.Why? Mentally ill people, when crossed with heart ache and loss within love, tend to think irrational and act out of impulses and often times harm people....at times in fatal situations!Good luck and seek help, support, and attention....from good family and good friends...
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (11 June 2007):
 he might as well be hitting you babe this is pure bullying.dump this loser he is obviously treatin u like this to boost his ego and make him feel like a man but he is a wimp.get out before it gets worse and go find someone who will respect you for who you are and not treat you like a piece of dirt this is awful,if u keep goin u will end up being with these sort of men for the rest of yourlife at least you know that its wrong though.dont try and talk to him cos this sort of thing will not change no matter how much he insists.pick up and leave
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A
male
reader, Jamer70  +, writes (11 June 2007):
 Heres some simple advice that eyeswideopen and bubbloo said. Get the HELL out of this relationship, get away from him and the trouble he brings. Try and find someone who will respect you and treat you great.
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A
male
reader, sparky2107 +, writes (11 June 2007):
you are dating a bully, if you don't leave him you have a lifetime full of this ahead of you. He treats you as his whipping boy, it makes him feel big and powerful and i doubt he will want to get rid of that. The irony is that he is a weak scared little boy and he needs to face this and become a man. If you tolerate this behaviour then you are saying on one level that it is ok, 'but I love him/he'll change' i hear you say, no chance, he has you where he wants you, you cannot change him, no one can change another person, he has to see it and want to change, then, and with a lot of courage, effort and time from him he might change, but none of that has anything to do with you, he gets a good feeling from having power over you and if you want to surrender your power to him then that is your choice too.
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (11 June 2007):
 Eyeswideopen is right. Find someone who'll respect you. Get outta there girl. x Good luck x
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A
female
reader, dollparts  +, writes (11 June 2007):
 yeah, hun I have to agree with eyeswideopen this guy does not deserve you!! Run! because like she said up there he will do something far worse then just squeezing your hand to hard
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007): I think that he has really deep issues. you mentioned that " it is only when it me and him present". This scared me a bit. I bet that he didnt speak to you like this at the start of your relationship. People do open up with someone that they trust but it seems to me like he knows that he can get away with speaking to you like that, maybe he gets some wierd kick out of it. And he has some cheek in sayin that your the one with the problem. If he really cared about you he wouldnt treat you with little respect like this. i wouldnt run away because obviously theres something there if you've been with him for three years. but id definatly put your foot down on this one and explain that what hes doing is upsetting you. sit him down on your own and ask him why he acts this way and if he doesnt improve his behaviour he'll loose your trust and respect and eventually you. And id definatly get him a therapist. all the best x
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A
female
reader, darksecretangel +, writes (11 June 2007):
 I agree with eyeswideopen. your boyfriend does have some issues, "his sister said that its not like him", then we must consider why does his agressive behaviour only seem to show when you two are together. does he have some past problems with his past relationships. I suggest that you talk to him about it and if he still persists in acting like this leave him, he might do something that could potentionally hurt you seriously. Tell your friends and family and of course keep as far away from him as possible because you never know what he could do.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, CharlieHorse +, writes (11 June 2007):
Completely agree with eyeswideopen.
Dump him, immediately.
Life is too short, and there are enough other men in the world to stick with bullying, nasty cretins.
Having said that, if I were you I would take some time out after you have dumped him, before you get another boyfriend, to do a bit of self-analysing and try to find out just why you felt you had to put up with him for so long in the first place.
Does your self-esteem need a little work?
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007): I was in a very simalar situation myself. Id get out fast, very fast. This man is verably n physicaly abusing you. (squeezing ur hand too hard). Anger issues sure but i'd be very careful he could be Bi-polar my ex was bi polar n never took his meds n hid ot from me for long time and my relitive is physico(cant spell it but u get it?)...Im thinkin he might have a mental disorder that hasnt gotten looked at. It will only get soo much worse too if hes using drugs...n if hes smart enough he can hide that tooo ive known ppl for years that have said they have anger issues n turns out to be a drug issue. Either way the further u r from this guy the better..i know its sooo hard to leave but trust me its for the best. it took me a year to leave the man i was with that was absuive...make a plan...tell someone u trust..n get far,far away..n when u do leave please dont believe he needs you to "help" him threw this cuz hes got to do this on his own. Theres standin by your man and all but if its a mental disorder n hes dosent want to deal with it on his own...look out honey cuz your on a very dangerous path.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 June 2007):
 What do you do? You run like hell and never look back. This guy will end up doing something far worse than squeezing your hand too hard or name call. He needs serious therapy. Get as far away from him as you can get. Make sure your friends and family are aware of the situation. If he comes after you call the cops. Keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, thurdmusketeer +, writes (11 June 2007):
If I were you, I would not continue a relationship with this man. He is mentally abusing you! Signs of physical abuse are also starting to show. Squeezing your hand until it hurts doesn't seem like THAT big of a deal but once he gets more comfortable with what he is doing, physical abuse is very likely.Hope you take that into consideration.~Bridget
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