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age
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writes: Hi i just would like some advice from someone i have been with my partner for 4years and we have child that is 5months but he is really horrible sometimes and hits me he say it is the only way i will shut up and i feel like i deserved it i want to leave him so much but he says he loves me and does'nt want me to leave him but i want too but i cant i love him so much he is my first love how do i stop loving him i dont think i have strenghtoo leave plzs HELP ME Reply to this Question
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female
reader, siss  +, writes (18 October 2010):
 I ask you? Do you think hitting is a form of showing love or discipline? When he hits you what emotion does he show you? Look at him when he hits you... is it a look of kindness? as if he is teaching you (like you are a child) or is he doing it to shut you up for his own benifit? Is that what you consider love? I always thought if hitting and I mean a gentle tap on a child that is to young to understand words but a light tap to let a child know something is bad so as they don't hurt themselves is the only time it is effective to hit ( and I mean a gentle tap) You are an adult do you need to be punished, taught, or disciplined?
I do not condone hitting anyone at any age....
You are beyond the stage of learning by someone hitting you........ It is considered ABUSE what he is doing.. If he were to say things you didn't like would he find it acceptable for you to hit him? or hit anyone for that matter. I assure you, you deserve better and so does your son. Will he learn to hit his wife/ girlfriend when she talks to much?
He will say anything do anything make you feel guilty about everything just to keep you. You are a person, a Mother, an Individual who deserves to be HEARD and not HIT.
Please allow yourself a life without physical and phsycological abuse do not empower your son to pass along this way of thinking to generations
It is unacceptable. Allow yourself hugs not Hits...
Best on your journey... XO
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male
reader, kewuoygy +, writes (17 October 2010):
Do you know how much we agony aunts here want you to hold you and say to you in no uncertain terms, "Gal, you really need to get the hell out of there!"
You are rationalizing. This man is sucking the life out of you and is using the baby to control you by making you feel guilty.
I bet if you tell him that you want to have a career of your own, to be more independent, etc., he will hit you because that's the only way he thinks you'll shut up! Once a man starts using his fist on a woman (he claims to love), there is no end to what he could do to her in order to control her.
I have a niece who got married against the advice of her family. This man indeed turned out to be bad news. He started hitting her not long after they got married. He had self-esteem problems, since my niece made more money than he did. They have a son, and he said he loved him, but after the divorce, he never visited him. There are numerous examples like that in front of you--regardless of where you happen to be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010): Thank you every1 you have kinda helped me but i still dont know how to stop my love for him it is easyer said than done i tell him too stay away and he does'nt he says im leaving his son without a dad and then i feel awful for not letting him see his baby and that i will destroy his life i think to myself will my son hate me for leaving him without a dad and not understand why i left i could'nt bear it if myson hated me
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female
reader, asklily101 +, writes (17 October 2010):
I personally think you need to leave him and take the baby. You deserve more than someone who is going to beat you. I hope this helps, your in a sticky sitiation.
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female
reader, siss +, writes (17 October 2010):
You keep saying he would never hit your child because he loves them to bits.... so how does he feel about you? You say he loves you? Loves you so much he hits you. Not good... I to had an abuser in my life and have hung on to him even though I left him I have even tried to go back to him cause he said he loved me don't keep looking back. It won't get any better. and when will that baby start talking to much and what will he do shut them up? Love yourself and your child.... Get out.... Sending you Love and Strength for your journey ahead...
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female
reader, FoX15 +, writes (16 October 2010):
I wish that I couldve been strong enough to leave when people told me this. I have been in the same situation. My bf never actually hit me, but his words hurt way worse. I finally decided that I am better than him, because where would he be without me? He was my first real love too. It was really hard, it still is. I keep in contact with him, but it probably isn't the best thing to do. But you are so much stronger than him, to have a love so strong and still deal with all the hurt, its a hard thing. But the fact that you have a baby now, means that your life isn't your own, its now your chllds and that should come first before anything. He may love you, but he should be worthy of your love and hes not. Your still young, and you have a lot of choices, don't tie yourself to one situation right now. you can do so much better.
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male
reader, kewuoygy +, writes (16 October 2010):
There is no way you should say you feel like you deserve being hit. As others have already pointed out, you need to get out of there. You are putting your life and your kid's life in danger.
It strikes me that you have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship, to say the least. You said you loved him, but do you really love him? Or do you just need him emotionally perhaps because you don't have other sources of emotional support?
In a healthy loving relationship, there has to be mutual respect. He doesn't respect you at all. It is ridiculous for him to say that he loves you on the one hand but beat you up on the other hand.
You need to find some sources of support--such as a community group of battered women, break off this relationship and rebuild your life. You are so young; you have a life ahead of you.
Don't hang on to that loser. He is destroying your life and your child's life.
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female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (16 October 2010):
 He doesn't hit you because it's the only way he can make you shut up, he hits you because when you argue he is afraid that you might leave him, he doesn't know what to do to fix things, feels like he's lost control of the situation and by hitting you he feels like he's in control again. He's an idiot, any man that needs to hit a woman in order to feel more like a man and to gain control is a low life, uber loser! CaringGuy is right, do you want him to hit you one day and leave your child motherless or do you want this man to be a role model for your child, someone he can aspire to to be just like when he grows up. He doesn't love you, he doesn't know what love is, you don't hurt the ones you love, you protect them and treat them with love.Again, he is afraid of losing you because he is a loser who despite how hard he tries to prove that he's the man, he actually can not function without you, he doesn't love you, he is afraid for himself, doesn't know what he'll do, who he'll control if you go. PLEASE LEAVE HIM AND START A NEW LIFE FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD!!!
You're gonna be ok hun............HUGS
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female
reader, MissAgonyAuntie  +, writes (16 October 2010):
Is that love worth the pain and suffering you get? So your obviously stuck in a voilent relationship that you can't get out of, and you need to break out of it.
It will be hard, as you have a child together and that can be difficult, but no man should ever ever hit a woman, EVER! no matter what! You need to tell him what he needs to be told.
Im sorry this is a very hard question, as your in love with a man that will hit you to make you shut up. Now that might not seem much to him but is it hurting you? not just physically but mentally.. is that hurting you that he could do such a thing..? and your beautiful child what effect is that having on the child is going to learn of daddy that hitting women is okay?
WELL ITS NOT! Its going to be a long hard journey having to leave the man you love, but you have friends and family who can help you, I also noticed your in the UK like me so you must of heard of the Jeramy Kyle Show. What dose he always say to his people in the show. Get out of that circul, hes not worth it!
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 October 2010):
For God's sake get away from him. Do you want your baby to grow up with a dead mother? Do you want your baby to grow up violent like him? Do you want your baby to be hit? That's where this is going. Worse, you may lose your baby to social services if you don't get away.
There is nothing here for you, and NO LOVE. Take your little innocent baby and run the hell out of there.
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female
reader, AuntieSnap +, writes (16 October 2010):
Hi there,
Youwish has it spot on, get out of there and now before he starts on the child or using him/her to blackmail you and keep you "in your place". There is a child in the equation that you as a mother have to put first and foremost and things will not improve. What an ignorant, violent bully, has he never heard of discussing a problem to get it resolved?
Have you got family a good distance away? If so take the wee one and go tonight, if not are there any womens refuges or good friends that you can go to? Yes, he will try and get you back by pleading and crying that he has "changed and it wont happen again" and perhaps you will go. It will be fine until the next time, but you will be walking on pins around him and giving in to his every whim just to keep him on side - do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Does your son or daughter really deserve this kind of life, watching Daddy smack Mummy because "she wont shut up and anyway she deserves it"? What message will that give your child?
Sweetheart, I am sorry if this sounds so brutal, but abuse is. My lovely aunt went through 15 years of it and finally turned on her vile husband. She hammered him with a poker and nearly killed him. Please dont make the mistake she made and stay for the sake of giving the children a stable home, they are much, much better off out of it as are you because he wont change no matter how you hope he will.
Stay strong and I truly wish you and the wee one a happy outcome. God Bless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy partner has never hit me infront of our baby and would never hurt our child he loves our baby more than life its self he only hits me when we have a row and beause i wont shut up
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): Girl,all i gotta tell you is this and i'm tellung you what my good old father says to me all the time.If a man start hittin you,don't hit him back,just get yo child,collect 200 hundred dollars and get the fuck out of dodge.i don't care how much that man say he love you,he's just doing that really to show you that youre just as weak as he thinks you are.GET OUT OF THERE AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN.leave all your loving behind cuz you can't carry it with you if you wanna survive.and get the authorities involved while youre at it hun
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): You need to get out. Believe me it will only get worse. Don't let yourself get hurt anymore and please please don't let your child be traumatised by this. They will grow up severely damaged if you let them grow up in this environment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): I want you to read this post
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/moms-abusive-boyfriend.html
Do you want you child to be posting a question like that in 17 years time? No, of course you don't, there is not just you to think about.
Go to Woman's Aid they will help you
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe hits me when we row to shut me up he would'nt hit our child he loves our baby too bits
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 October 2010):
 GET OUT OF THERE. If he's hitting you, he DOESN'T love you. No one deserves to be hit. He is a weak, insecure man. Think of your baby. What if he starts hitting him or her to make them shut up? Seriously.
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