A
female
age
36-40,
*ornoutmommy
writes:So I got a flat tire on my way to work. I'm 6 months pregnant and have no cell phone and live in MN where it was a balmy 20*f out today. I was able to stop someone driving by to use their phone and call my dad. My dad came and helped me, the only thing I couldn't do was remove the lug nuts because I didn't have a tire iron. After I get to work I call home to tell my boyfriend I'll be a little late getting home and about the flat tire. The only thing he has to ask about is if I threw his xbox down when I moved it from the bedroom to the living room last night. Which, by the way I did not because I bought the damn thing. He didn't ask if I was ok or if everything was alright- nor did I say it was- he just had to tell me that because I moved the xbox his game was now scratched. How the heck that happens I have no idea, but he seemed more worried about the damn game than me and his child!Should I be upset that he didn't ask me if I was ok? I just don't want to be overreacting for no reason. Obviously I called and told him that dad helped- so of course I got the situation handeled and I'm safe at work, and by calling him he knew that. I just can't believe that his game had priority concern over me during that conversation!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): I'm glad that you are alright and have clarified the situation. I also want to add that I apologize on the behalf of any person(s)that would blame you or condone the behavior of your boyfriend. The behavior is inexcusable. You handled the situation efficiently and I do think it would be wise to have a cell phone on you at all times-if it is possible. The prolonged period of time your bf spends playing video games sounds like escapism to me. You can't escape your reality of being 6 months pregnant, and a little compassion during a trying time should have been the first thing you recieved not inane accusations. Your overall health and well-being are imperative right now.This includes your mental health! You don't have to stay in any situation that isn't healthy, you deserve the best for yourself and your child. You sound self-sufficient, I'm sure you'll be just fine. And I wish you the best.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Most of what I wanted to say has already been said. However I do want to add that I think it's really stupid for a heavily pregnant woman not to have a cell/mbile phone actually.
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (27 January 2011):
 I would be really peeved if I had a flat tire, was in the second trimester of my pregnancy and my bf only asked where his xbox game was. I'd be pretty steamed but would eventually forgive him if this was a one-time thing. If he is more interested in inanimate objects than you and your child, then it's never going to change and you're better off without him.
Just imagine, it's 3 am and you're dead tired feeding and changing diapers of your baby and your bf only cares about playing video games. You'll collapse from exhaustion. Parenting takes two willing people, not one willing person and one lazy person.
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A
female
reader, wornoutmommy +, writes (27 January 2011):
wornoutmommy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey, My bf works overnights full-time, so I didn't want to call him while he was sleeping, or assumed to be sleeping. I also put the phone on silent while he's sleeping, and he puts it back on once he wakes up. The game was actually one he bought me as a christmas present that I have yet to play. The reason I was upset was because he will play for 12 hours a day on the days he has off and the entire time he's awake on the days he works. We have a new puppy at home and he can't step away from a game for 5 minutes to let the dog outside. Yes, I did handle the situation fine and I typically do because I have no other choice. Not that I would choose to handle a situation by freaking out. I called my dad because I knew he would be available and in a short amount of time. When I did finally get ahold of my bf, I did not tell him I was ok or alright, I just told him I'd be late because I got a flat. It was simply that he didn't bother to ask if I was ok and proceeded to blame me for maliciously destroying (my) game. I know that pregnancy isn't a disability, but he has seemed to think so for a while now. I don't use that against him, and I do what I need to, its just another reason I was so taken back by his lack of concern. The reason we're not married is a conscious and personal choice, on both our parts. It has been discussed, but have our reasons. And I do have all those tools :) And blankets and water... Even an extra bra! (lol) I just didn't have a tire iron for the lug nuts on the tire, otherwise I know how to do that too! I had the car jacked up and had attempted to loosen the bolts before my dad got there (I had a monkey wrench, but it just didn't have the leverage I needed). I'm just getting more and more worried about his diminishing sense of concern towards me in general (all being redirected towards his games) as I get bigger and closer to term. No, I did not get upset at him. Yes I did bawl the whole way home. Thank you all for your responses. Now I'm going to go take a nice warm bath and read my homework!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Sorry hun, that's men.
idk how you women live with us these days, we all seem to be assholes, what you just explained, was also my Dad.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Maybe he thought you were OK and that was it about the tire. Yes, you're pregnant but your father helped. However, I do agree that you should look at the bigger picture.
Maybe he doesn't have a car, but, why would you call your father instead of your boyfriend who lives with you? Why is he playing while you work? I don't know how long ago you got that Xbox for him, but, maybe the money could have been used for a different purpose, especially since you're pregnant. By the way, what does he think about your being pregnant and the fact that he'll be a father in three months?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Sorry I just want to add 'empathy clashes' are only really relevant to minor issues, like scratched games or flat tires.
Oh yeah you do realize that you didn't call him freaking out and crying, you called him and told him you were fine and it was sorted. Op you basically answered the question before he asked.
He didn't exactly need to ask because you already told him you were fine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): It depends on what game it was. Sorry I had to hehe.
Dirtball is right he could tell you were okay when you called him. You got a flat tire, got help from a motorist and your dad, the situation was sorted. It sounds to me like you're a resourceful person that manages well in these kind of situations generally, if that's the case then he's just used to you being able to take care of yourself, hence he doesn't need to worry about the small things like flat tires because he knows you can deal with them. OP whether pregnant, cold or neither of those a flat tire is an inconvenience not an emergency and it was one you were easily able to solve, well with a bit of effort of course.
Whereas he was at home probably kicking ass online and suddenly the game froze, or his 50 buck game wouldn't load at all and he too was freaking out over that. To him that was a big issue, to you a flat tire was a big issue. Did you ask him how he felt about having his expensive game scratched or if he was okay? No of course not, it's just a game. He didn't ask you how you were because it was just a flat tire. Pregnancy isn't disability OP, a flat tire isn't a life threatening event so please don't be too harsh on him OP, he was preoccupied, if he thought you were in any real danger you know he'd react and act immediately.
Was he insensitive? yeah he was but that can be explained by his own "big" problem, his preoccupation at the time. It's not about the game being more important he was just pissed off at that moment because he couldn't play it, just like you were pissed off at him for not asking you so you didn't empathize with him either.
My girlfriend calls these 'empathy clashes' when two people are pissed off about different things at the same time and they're looking for concern and sympathy for their own plight, in those situations OP they're simply incapable of empathy. You understand exactly what I mean because you're in one now you're pissed he didn't care about the flat tire and he's pissed you might have scratched his game.
Just talk to him OP, you know he cares about you. Try not to make such a big deal out of this flat tire just because you're pregnant or you were cold, you dealt with it, no big deal.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 ***and the detective work was that you called him AT home - after you finally got to work - and he is complaining about his xBox. So - he's playing xBox during the middle of the day; and he doesn't have a car - 'cause you asked your Dad for help instead.
In the normal course of a marriage - you would expect your husband to have your back. I guess this is why you have chosen not to marry the father of your child(ren). He isn't putting in 50% of the effort. You know that you and your babies deserve better than this half-assed effort that he is putting out and you are putting up with and making excuses for. It's time to re-examine the bigger picture here and get some focus.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (27 January 2011):
You have chosen to get pregnant before marriage by an unemployed dependent boyfriend?
Just trying to clarify the situation.
If you expect the loser to also be a mindreader it may be a solution to all your problems. He could do this by phone and earn extra income while sitting and playing xBox.
Forgive me if I have misread the situation.
You really need to have much higher standards and expectations for yourself. If your bf is unemployed - kick him to the curb. You need to focus all your energies on getting a life plan that will let you raise your child(ren) and be gainfully employed - because you have picked a loser for their father - you will need to step up and fill both roles. These are things that you probably should have thought about before conceiving a child with him - and now that you have a child - you need to put the child before the bf and before yourself. That's parenthood. That's life.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Unless he makes a habit of this, I would forgive him. Be certain to let him know that it hurt your feelings though. When you called him from work, it's quite possible he had just discovered his game was scratched, and was a bit irritated.
In the future, make sure you are prepared for unforseen emergencies. If you search the internet, you should find a list of essential items that one should always have in the car. This includes tools, jumper cables, spare tire, flares, first aid box, etc. If you don't know how to change a tire, have someone teach you how to do this.
I'm glad you are safe. Talk to your boyfriend and let him know how you feel. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Well, if the game was in the system, that can scratch it really easily. Especially with xbox games!
Anyway, I'm glad you were alright. You can be upset about this. He was very incensitive, and should be called on it. It would definitely have been worse if you had called him to help but he was just playing his game.
I don't think you should be too hard on him though. You were calling, and he knew you were alright, or you probably would have been crying or had a different tone. It was just a flat tire. True, the fact that you're pregnant, and it's cold out gives you reason to be upset, but in life, shit happens. If you freak out about a flat tire, what does that say about your priorities? It's not like something terrible happened, just something horribly inconvenient.
If this is a trend, then it's something to be more concerned about.
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A
female
reader, leylaness  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 It is obvious that your boyfriend has not grown up yet. You are more his mum or best friend then the mother of his child. You need to make it obvious to him that he has to grow up and grow up FAST!!!! It is obvious that you have a supporting family around you so move in with them, let him realise that you need a man to look after you and your child not a little boy. Soon he will realise what you mean and he will hopefully change and if he hasn’t then he really isn’t someone who can take on the big responsibility of a family and a baby. Make it clear to him that either he changes or you walk and raise your child alone. I have to congratulate you though you seem like a sensible woman who is taking responsibility of her life and the young life growing inside you I wish you all the best
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A
male
reader, HelpyMcHelperson +, writes (27 January 2011):
Yes you should be upset, this is what I would call a couch offence, in that you'd be perfectly justified in making him sleep on the couch.
Your safety and wellbeing should have been his first priority, even if you weren't pregnant.
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