A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:right, ive been with a girl for nearly 6 months now. we're both 17, she's 4 months older than me, and we go to the same school though she is in the year above. The way we started going out is a bit strange really, she just started talking to me online a lot, and I had always been attracted to her seeing her round school and stuff, and was pretty surprised that she was talking to me cus she was older and all, but after a bit of time of talking online, i asked her out on a date and thats where it started. Sorry Im banging on about it i but i feel I need to explain all of it. I feel we moved a bit fast with it...not sexually but feelings and kissing wise, for example, our first kiss was on like the 3rd date, and we still barely knew eachother, and ALSO, in the meantime between dates i overthought everything way too much and kept thinking about what would happen and let it take over my mind so much, but everything seemed to calm down when i was with her again. This was all in summer holidays of 2010, so we didnt have the worries of school but when we eventually did go back...it was a bit difficult re-intergrating into the 'work ethic' as a couple and having to prioritise everything. Up until now i was always thinking about her and i let it get in the way of my studies and i just made her the object of all my goals, making sure everything was okay and all.To cut to the chase finally, about 3 weeks ago I started worrying that i didn't 'love her' anymore, all because i stopped feeling like how i always had, which was thinking about her all the time and always wanting to see her. I thought the fact i wasn't feeling like this anymore meant that I didnt want her anymore. This lead to a few emotional 'set 2's' when i was with her, i explained to her that i didnt want to text as much anymore and have some time apart to get my feelings straight. Since we had been seeing eachother ALOT. A week ago I kinda got over it, I decided to go back to church for an evening service and when i walked back home i went past via her house and asked her to come out so we could just see eachother before bed, and everything seemed so fine, i felt amazing and really loved seeing her. The 2 days after her I started worrying again, and it's kinda gotten worse, but this time i've been worrying that ALL this time ive been with her, ive been confusing love with lust. Since about 2 months in, when we'd see eachother (not everytime), things would get a bit intense when we were alone and we'd 'fool around'(use your imagination), until finally when we got to 4 months in, we had sex for the first time. I have been asking myself so much like 'did i ever really like her?', stuff like that, was i just running off lust? Don't get me wrong we have had some amazing times that haven't been sexual, just chilling out, big conversations and stuff...but thats when i worry about something else, which is if she annoys me...i keep having this stupid egotistical thing in my head that she's impulsive and stupid, but i hate the fact that thought creeps up on me...i spoke to my mum about it and she said that in all relationships, neither person wants their partner to look bad in anyway because it grates off on the other person. It's human nature i guess, I hope you guys understand what Im saying though. The question i'm trying to ask here, is just how do I know if I like her for HER? She seems so casual about sex, she thinks it can't badly complicate a relationship, but I know it can because it happens all around me. I was brought up in a christian background that preaches 'no sex before marriage', but if you think about it, it isn't just a biblical rule, it's a rule for one's happiness...if you rush into sex you end up worrying like me. Religious or not. I want to be able to have sex with her no strings attached for the fact we are committed to eachother and maybe even love eachother, but im still unsure about the love thing really. many of you might argue that we're too young to be in love.sorry for banging on so much, but there is a lot that needs to be explained. i really really hope someone can help, thank you.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 I am in agreement with the first anonymous reader, Tohereknowswhen and Ashycole.
If you've ever have been with a woman who takes up all of your time, YET makes you horny, then you understand this young man's dilemma. One-emma, I would call it, really.
You just feel bad because you were raised as a Christian and broke the ideal of no sex before marriage. But, I am happy to break some news for you: leaving her is not necessarily the right thing to do. The Good Lord already knows you slept with her, so, if you leave her now, that doesn't make it right. If I were God (but I'm only one of the Little Devils) I would hold you accountable for sleeping with her AND dumping her like a piece of meat, AND ALSO for claiming that you do it because sex is not right. In my humble opinion, this would be the worst of it all.
Why don't you just tell her that, hey, there's other stuff you have to do (like studying), but you'll still see her?
If you do give in to temptation again (and you will), please use a condom. If you like her but don't want to give in, then tell her so. Just don't dump her on the grounds that she will lead you astray.
A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Very mature mindset I agree with shawncaff OP even as we get older we still question the difference with love vs lust at times too.
Just one thing though no sex before marriage it isn't just a biblical rule, it's a rule for one's happiness is correct but the problem with today's society is alot of us take the easy option on the sex then find out six months later this person isn't really for me which is where the no sex before marriage comes in sure making love is nice but it isnt the basis of a relationship and if it is then there's issues.
Sex before marriage should be more viewed as making sure you've gotten to know this person really well and know in your heart you can happily settle with this person without thinking twice about it later.
Your worrying a little too much moreso from the christian side of it if it's worrying you that maybe you allowed lust to control you why not suggest to her no sexual relations for a week or two or a month and see how you feel about her without sex just don't feel guilty for thinking about if its lust or love though its reasonable question your asking yourself.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 I think it is very mature of you to ask this question about lust vs. love. It is a difficult question for you to ask yourself but it shows that you are a person of integrity and truthfulness, and that you have concern for the other person, i.e., you don't want to use her.
I think you might want to set some ground rules with her. Perhaps you can both decide to cease having sexual relations for a 6-month period and see how you get along with just talking. Perhaps you also might just want to limit your involvement to kissing and not do any other "heavy" stuff. Or maybe you just want to not be physical at all for a week or so and just talk and spend time with each other. However you want to do it, working it out with her might allow for both of you to get to know each other in a less intense, pressured setting.
I think your point about the reason behind the religious prohibition of no sex before marriage is straight on. It does allow a couple to get to know each other first without any of the sometimes distracting issues of sex.
Your thoughts are appropriate. Don't feel guilty about them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto cerebus raphael, thank you very much for your answer
basically my mind fluctuates, sex really distorts what my real view might be. there are times when i feel really happy, no sex involved and the thought of her makes me just wanna see her and just be with her. I think staying away from sex is the best idea so i dont get confused, but the thing is she really see's no harm in sex and it'll be hard for her to understand. It's also hard for me to stay away from sex as when we're alone and we kiss it's so easy to forget about the consequences and just go along with it, but then feel bad afterwards. The last thing I want to do is break up with her, I just really really want peace of mind and to actually KNOW what i want. I have tried praying and it has sort of worked but a lot of it is down to me. If you could reply back that would be great, thank you very much for your answer again.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 This is not a matter of maturity, there are a lot of older, more mature people who find themselves in similar predicaments.
When you think of her in a non-sexual manner, do you feel anything at all? Try and test yourself, you did find that you loved talking to her did you not? When you talk to her, is sex one of the major things on your mind? If not, I would not worry so much about it, I think it is the worry itself that you are worrying about, there is a lot of over-thinking here. I think the reason you stopped feeling as intensely is the simple fact that the beginning of your relationship was quite intense if you were seeing each other as often as you said you did. Your mind simply got used to it. Almost as though you are jaded. If you are really so worried, stay away from sex. Consider breaking up with her, can you do it?
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, AshyCole +, writes (9 January 2011):
 wow your question was incredibly long. well i think your just stressing too much. did you lose your virginity to her? because thats normal behavior for that situation. just take a few deep breaths when those thoughts creep up on you. and your mother ws right, it IS normal to think thoughts like that about your partner, especially when you spend so much time with them. but when your with her, you feel the love, right? so then you love her, just how she is. maybe you guys should stop seeing eachother so often, because that can cause the things your feeling too. get your life in order, including her. let her be a PART of your life, instead OF your life. Do you know what i mean? and if the sex thing really bothers you, explain to her youd rather not do it so much, or at all even. if she really loves you, she'll understand.
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A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Ok, I don't seriously think you are too young to be in love and everyone is capable of blurring the lines (for want of a better word) between lust and love.
She may be easy going about sex, but don't forget that you were in on it too. As for love; I am not sure if there is a definitive test to see if that is what is between you two. If you don't learn that test in chemistry, perhaps there is no such test. It's just how you feel and what love is to you. Don't be too analytical here.
Even though you have a big committment to your school work and future it sounds like both of you are on a good thing. Why not just enjoy what you have in the here and now.
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