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female
age
,
BigSis
writes:Just a little light comic relief, some entertainment if you like - sort of based on some of the problems here on Dear Cupid. Feel free to lighten your load : ) I'll start by submitting 8 things that I think guys would 'LOVE' to hear from their gals. (I'm sure you'll agree, boys).1. 'I'm bored, let's shave my pussy.'2. 'Are you sure you've had enough to drink?'3. 'That fart was awesome, do another one!'4. 'Of course i'll swallow - I love the taste of cum!'5. 'No, thats alright, you drink all that beer and watch porn, i'll wash the cars, then mow the lawn.'6. 'Just for a change, could you put it in my arse?'7. 'How about you get that hot girl from work to join us.'8. 'Marriage?...No way!!'(Carlsberg don't do girlfriends...but if they did - they would be the best in the world!)Now here are 8 things 'I KNOW' us girls would love to hear from our guys. (I know you'll agree, girls).1. 'Oh go ahead, darlin', eat that third piece of double chocolate fudge cake. If it's one thing I hate - it's skinny women!'2. 'How about we invite your mum to stay the weekend?'3. 'Let me give you a full body massage for a change, including a foot rub.'4. 'You know that Pamela Anderson bird?...well she just doesn't have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.'5. 'Careful darling, don't let it get too far down your throat.'6. 'There's nothing on TV tonight except football, let's go shopping instead.'7. 'If the guys ring and want me to go to that new lap-top dancing club, tell them I'm busy, I really want to get the lounge painted tonight.'....and finally,8. 'You know something sweetheart?..i'm so glad you don't like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns.' (Carlsberg don't do boyfriends...but if they did - they would be the best in the world!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): The $200 in pennies, the dark cupboard and the "Leave me alone lady" one was HILARIOUS!
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (28 February 2009):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the question A man gets home, tells his wife ''Get me a beer before it starts.''
He drinks it then says, ''Quick, get me another before it starts.''
Again she gets it, he drinks it and says, ''Another before it starts.''
She brings him another. He knocks it back and yet again, repeats, 'Get me another beer before it starts.'' Back she goes and gets him another. He finishes it and repeats again, ''Another before it starts. She fetches him another, pours that down his throat and demands she get him another beer.
By now she's getting really pissed off with him and says, '' Listen you lazy fat bastard, you walk in, sit down and start barking orders.......''
He says, ''Fuck me, it's started.''
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): LOved unclezac's attorney jokes
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male
reader, unclezak +, writes (23 February 2009):
'Disorder in the American Courts' ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. __________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you s****ing me? _________________________________________ ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral._________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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reader, cute angel  +, writes (20 February 2009):
 haha i soooo agree with birdynumnums...i have said everything what has been mentioned and it totally gives a perfect explanations hehe...good job lol
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reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (7 October 2008):
 Not sure if this one was posted already, but here goes nothing. Thought it was worth the effort of writing it, 'cause it gave me a laugh!
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
1. FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the end of the game before working around the house.
3. NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that start with nothing usually end in fine.
4. GO AHEAD - This is a Dare, NOT PERMISSION. Don't Do It!
5. LOUD SIGH - This is actually a word, but it is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and is wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing. (refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. That's okay means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding when and where you will pay for your mistake.
7. THANKS - When a woman is thanking you, do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - That is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. Do not say "You're welcome"... that will bring on a "Whatever".
8. WHATEVER - Is a woman's way of saying F... YOU!
9. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I'VE GOT IT - Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that she has told a man to several times, and now is doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.
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reader, BigSis +, writes (22 September 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan't remember if we've had this one already...but I'm sure many couples will relate to it;
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass eachother in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is
called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.
BS xXx
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (21 September 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Phil, don't you mean Knobworth?....LoL!!...
But wait one cotton pickin' minute..... or is it Knebworth?
Wa'eva, anyway - issnot that far from Letchworth.
LOL!!!
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2008): Worth!!
Oops - wrong thread!
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (20 September 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLetch!!
: )
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2008): .... one has to indulge the ladies once in a while ......
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reader, BigSis +, writes (20 September 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionExcellent Unc!...Sounds about right too!The bear facts, eh?: ^ D Thanks for that.xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2008): The Three Bears
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 'It was mummy bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food and refilled their water bowls. 'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once: 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!'
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (20 September 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Polish Divorce"
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed in a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Question: Have you any grounds?
Reply: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
Q: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
R: It made of concrete.
Q: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
R: No, we have carport, and not need one.
Q: I mean, how are your relations?
R: All my relations still in Poland.
Q: Is there infidelity in your marriage?
R: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Q: Does your wife beat you up?
R: No, I always up before her.
Q: Is your wife a nagger?
R: No, she white.
Q: Why do you want this divorce?
R: She going to kill me.
Q: What makes you think that?
R: I got proof.
Q: What kind of proof?
R: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover.'
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (17 September 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGirlie Wisdom!
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!',,, Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
xXx
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 September 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe Man Rules ---
Yeah Right!! So he says.
Some guy has taken the time to write this all down. This is the guys' side of the story. He says;
"We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side".
"These are OUR rules! ~ Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!"
1} Men are NOT mind readers.
1} Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1} Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1} Crying is blackmail.
1} Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1} Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1} Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1} Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.
1} If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1} If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1} You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done ~ Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1} Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1} Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1} ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1} If it itches, it will be scratched...We do that.
1} If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1} If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1} When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1} Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, or football,
or golf, or Sex.
1} You have enough clothes.
1} You have too many shoes.
1} I am in shape....Round IS a shape!
"Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know ~ we men really don't mind that? It's like camping".
Well?
BigSis
xXx
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (25 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLike it, Bubbloo. Sort of thing my ex would have said. {Not that I ever did that, it was the other way round in my case!}
**
Cupidguy,
You have a point there, actually ~ 4 points...but I can't begin to imagine what kind of bra we'd have to wear. One that would lift, separate and support, and it would probably be called an..
'Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder'. Howzat?
x
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reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (25 August 2008):
 A man comes home one night with a girl on his arm not expecting his wife to be home but as soon as he walks in the door, she's standing there looking very angry. The girl makes a quick exit and the husband and wife are left on their own.
Wife: What the hell are you playing at?! I just can't believe you'd do this to me!I mean, what would you do if I brought another man home?!
Husband: I'd shoot his guide dog.
I found this one quite funny :)
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Well, not JCB digger buckets anyway!
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (25 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDepends...
...now what size buckets we talking here, Unc?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): 38D? Strewth Sis, you wouldn't get many of those in a bucket!
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (25 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Chloe, I intend to..
..because we all need a little humour to brighten our day, sometimes.
**
Cupidguy,
I know you are, so if I've offended you in any way, then from the roundness of my 38D size breasts ~ I offer my sincere apologies, so get a grip....
(.Y.)
BigSis
xXx
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reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (25 August 2008):
 Ha!
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reader, chloe71z  +, writes (25 August 2008):
 This is the first time I read this page and I do have to say I am putting it on my watch list. BigSis those are some funny comments. Keep up the good work.
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (25 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the question EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain." And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced". "That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?" Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib? This is for all the men with a sense of humor and women who figure this makes sense. BigSisxXx{Only kidding you guys, love you really.... Mwah!!!}: ^ D
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): Awwhhh no why would I want you to go!?
Your too much fun!
However, safe with you?! ;)
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDon't worry Gecko hun, you're safe with me..
"We're none of us stupid ~ right here on Dear Cupid"
We're none of us saying you have small brain
To suggest that have ~ would be terribly lame
To me you're so cute, such a cuddly wee lizard
We can change that if you like,
We'll just call in the Wizard.
----
He's done wonders for me ~ helped me thru my mistakes
Now I'm quite sane, no more mental out-breaks
Tho' other's have tried ~ to seek his help too
But they've ended up with a screw lose ~ or two.
----
We're here in Dear Cupid to sort out our lives
And if we succeed ~ we're all shouting, "High Fives!"
This is the best Agony site of the World Wide Web
Founded by Tim Berners-Lee ~ who's hardly a pleb.
----
Our Andrew is 'Cupid' he invented 'this' site
He's brought us together, now we've seen the light
'Coz we're helping each other ~ with our problems and issues
But to abuse us and scorn us ~ it's just plain miss-use.
----
So bear in mind, we're the best there is
There's always someone here ~ who can heal with a kiss
Now if I'm boring you ~ and want me to move on
Just post me the word and like a flash I'm gone!
BigSis
xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): I don't know! Please don't confuse me!
Geckos have very small brains and we can't work things out...
lol that one rhymes...=P
*god that sounded stupid...*
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSeven wise men with the knowledge so fine.
Created a pussy to their own design.
First, was a Butcher sharp with wit,
Using a knife created a slit.
Second, was a Carpenter strong and bold,
Using a chisle created a hole.
Third, was a Taylor tall and thin,
Using red velvet he lined it within.
Fourth, was a Hunter short and stout,
Using fur he lined it without.
Fifth, was a Fisherman as naughty as hell,
Who threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth, was a Preacher named Macgee,
Who touched it and blessed it
And said it could pee.
Seventh, was a Sailor,
A dirty little runt,
Who fucked it and sucked it
And called it a ..Vagina.
: )
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI get 'em off somewhere? You propositioning me, young man?
: o
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): Shame on u! I'm an innocent child by furry friend!!
In the mean time, do u make these up or get them off of somewhere?!
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes it was!
: o )
These are even better...
*TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T*:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5 .Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): lol was that last remark to me meant to be dirty?!
I have to say the office ones are some of the best yet...
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease don't cover your arse on my acount sweetie.
: ^ P
*TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T*:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair, I do all the work while he just sits there!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): Again?! I never read your posts!
Thats not saying I don't care about what you right, just covering my arse about the fact I'm not obsessed...
But yeah, you could say that =P
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the question2. "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar... oh, crap!"
13. "We have a lost child at gate 14, the bidding will start at £20."
Heh heh heh! Brilliant! Love them two.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Who you calling furry? You been reading my girly posts again Gecks?
: ^ o
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): OK! Got some! - can you just make do with my furry friend for a nickname?!
Top 15 Things you don't want to hear on a Aeroplane!
15. "Mummy, wheres the wing gone?"
14. "The baggage doors are iced shut,"
13. "We have a lost child at gate 14, the bidding will start at £20."
12. "Mummy, wheres the engine?"
11. "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know its origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase."
10. "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that's why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking them?...be right back...-SAVE SOME FOR ME!"
9. "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package."
8. "Mummy, whys the food moving?"
7. "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed."
6. "For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing 'turbulence,' a common by-product of 'air travel.' Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we've safely landed."
5. "Madam, please take your food now, the tongs are melting."
4. "Unfortunately on this flight today on the British Airways Boeing 747, your oxygen masks will not be working."
3. "We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila."
2. "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar... oh, crap!"
1. "Safety is our highest priority,"
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): haha thats hiliarous!!
Why do you keep coming up with funny jokes?! On the forum and now here?! Your on a roll girl!
I'm gonna go think and be imaginitive...I gotta think of you a name too!
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (9 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMight have been...
: )
====
*TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHILST IN SURGERY*
1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!
4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!
5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of'em
10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): lol...
Was that sarcastic?!
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (9 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReally!
As if!!
I'm a respectable woman, what are you incinerating?!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): Haha well, I wasn't.
Are you flirting with me?! Coz you know you shouldn't be =P
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (9 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I wasn't offering, just wanted to know if you were...
: )
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): Oohh no don't call me Thicko Gecko...it rhymez far to well...
lol and I did know what he meant, I just tried to ignore it...I don't think he has a silly sense of humour though lol...witty actually
Oohh now I need to think of a nickname for you...hummm I'll get back to you on that one...and now I wasn't offering - are you?!
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (9 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHA! Me neither...you offering?
ps...you serious Gecko? About Waz'z reply, I mean?
I hope you're not, else I'll be calling you Thicko Gecko.
Just kidding darling, Waz has a silly sense of humour, and it's catching!
Call me what you like, everyone else does.
: ^ o
BigSisNiki
xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): lol haha
I don't get it..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): haha this is quite a funnny article...
Do you want me to call you BigSis or Nikki?!
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (8 August 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionListed below are the Ten most common
things that men know about women:
1} They have a vaginal opening.
2}
3}
4}
5}
6}
7}
8}
9}
10} Oh, and tits.
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (24 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, thanks Cupidguy, I suppose I am ... in a nice rosy~red~apple kinda way.; ^ )Frank Carson? Is he still alive?Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): It's the way you tell 'em Niki! Rather like Frank Carson!
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (24 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow on the other hand....
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
: ^ )
xXx
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (24 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh Uncle Phil, you wicked man ... : )
Did you know women are like apples on trees?
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the the apples from the ground that aren't so good, but easy.
The apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along ... the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom! I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'
He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences....'
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): All True BigSis, but I never thought about it before. Word for word perfect, that's a keeper not a sleeper I think. I wish you were around before I lost the ex, it probably would have made him understand what I was talking about.
PS: Great Joke Trish, I'm having that one too.
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (22 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNice one Tisha
: )
9 WORDS WOMEN USE:
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you; do not question or faint. Just say 'you're welcome'. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, UNLESS she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever!')
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying 'SCREW YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
*For the men to read...to warn you about arguments you can avoid if you remember the terminology.
* Also, for all the women...to have a good laugh, cause you know it's true.
xXx
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2008):
 Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud - $3.00
Two Aspirins - $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time - Priceless
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (11 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPhew! I'm so glad you cleared that one up Cupidguy, I almost didn't let your answer thru'. You got me all paranoid you did! It doesn't take much.
By the way...did you hear about all hell breaking lose at the paranoid schizophrenic pantomime? ~ when someone shouted "He's behind you!"
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUncle Phil, I do believe that's The Prince and his Camel you're referring to there.
: ^ o
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Honeymoon couple arrive at the hotel still dressed in their wedding gear
Groom "We've got a suite booked"
Receptionist "yes Sir - bridal?"
Bride "No thanks - I'll use his ears until I get the hang of it"
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBlimey, Tisha!! {Blesha!}...I'll get back to you on that one when I've read it........
........in a few weeks!
Luv ya!
xXx
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's the way to do it...nice one you guys, keep 'em coming.
Andrew, if you're out there? ... Feel free to join in, and these are all jokes that have some connection with relationships, so we're not really off topic here. {Please don't sack me.}
: )
*big cheesy grin*
Collaroy...now that one IS off topic, but seeing as we're on the subject..."What's geographically wrong with Australia?"
I'll tell you....It's too bloody far from the UK, that's what's geographically wrong with it!!
Now, if Greece was below sea level, all the bubbles would float to the top!
****
I don't know any golf jokes...sorry.
****
Now, The other day I was driving past a cemetery and saw four guys walking along holding a coffin on their shoulders. I drove past again ~ about 6 hours later and saw the same four guys with the same coffin, still walking round, and I thought to myself...they've lost the f**cking plot!!
Dead funny, eh?
Then I got out and went up to this man sitting behind a grave stone, and I said to him, "Morning!" and he replied, "No, just taking a dump".
I know, that one was crap.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 July 2008):
More Boudreaux jokes....
---
Two cousins started school together. The teacher was asking everybody their names. When she got to the first cousin, he said, “Poo Poo.” She said she was not going to put up with such behavior and asked him again. “Poo Poo,” he said again. So she sent him out of the classroom. As he walked past his cousin, he said, “Come on, Ca Ca, she won’t believe you either.”
---
Boudreaux and Pierre were flying Cajun Airlines. Pierre was flying da plane and Boudreaux was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.
Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncing aroun' an Pierre got knock unconscience. Den da plane start driftin.
Boudreaux him come run up to da front an saw dat Pierre was sprawl out over da steerin wheel.
Well, Boudreaux don know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 10210. Pierre, him knock unconscence an I don know nutin about flyin dis plane!"
"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry bout nutin. We gona splain how fo you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-on-tee! Jus leave aryting ta us. Fus, how high are you an what's you position?"...
Boudreaux thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."
"No! No!", answer da tower. "What's you altitude an where's you location?"
Boudreaux say, "Man, ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodaux!"
"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun an how you plane's in relation to da airport!"
Boudreaux start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Pierre's an mine we got fo feet off da ground an I don bleve dis plane's related to you airport!"
A long pause --- "We needs to know who you next of kin is and where to send da flowers!"
---
Boudreaux walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves Boudreaux three beers, which Boudreaux drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, Boudreaux has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.
The next evening at the bar, Boudreaux again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
This happens for several nights.
Soon, the people up and down the bayou are whispering about Boudreaux going to the bar and always drinking three beers at a time.
Finally, a week later, the bartender says "Boudreaux, I don't mean to be nosey, but everybody around here is wondering why you always order three beers at one time?"
Boudreaux replies, "You see, I have two brothers. One moved to Texas and de udder one to Mississippi. We promised each other dat we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keepin up de Boudreaux bond."
Everybody on the bayou was impressed with Boudreaux's explanation, and Boudreaux was the talk of the bayou.
Then, one day, Boudreaux comes in to the bar and orders only two beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening ... Boudreaux always orders only two beers. The word flies up and down the bayou. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the Boudreaux brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to Boudreaux, "People on the bayou and I want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all."
Boudreaux ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear dat my two brothers are alive and well. It's jus dat me, myself, has decided to give up drinkin' for Lent."
---
Pierre and Boudreaux went on a camping trip.
After supper and several beers they both laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Boudreaux woke up and nudged Pierre.
Boudreaux says, "Pierre, look up at de sky and tell me whatchu see."
Pierre replies, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Boudreaux says, "What does dat tell you?"
Pierre ponders for a minute, den says ... "Astronomically, it tells me dat dere are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe dat Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce dat de time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see dat God is all powerful and dat we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect dat we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
Well, despite all of de amazing information coming from Pierre, Boudreaux is not impressed. Boudreaux asks, "Mais Pierre, but *what* does dat tell you?"
Pierre is silent and puzzled, and doesn't answer.
Boudreaux slaps Pierre across de head and says, "Pierre, you idiot. Someone has stolen our dam tent!"
---
One day Boudreaux was driving the car with Clotile in the passenger seat.
A policeman pulled Boudreaux's car over to the side of the road and the policeman came to the window of the car next to Boudreaux.
The policeman told Boudreaux that he was speeding and that he would have to give Boudreaux a speeding ticket.
Boudreaux tells the policeman that he was not speeding. Boudreaux then turns to Clotile and says, "Mais, Clotile you was watchin me. Tell de officer if dats true dat I was speedin!"
Clotile turns to the officer and says, "Mais officer, I can't tell you whether my husband was speedin because I don't pay attention to him when he's drunk!".
---
One day when Boudreaux and Clotile were courting (before they got married), Boudreaux went to visit Clotile at her house.
Boudreaux and Clotile were sitting in the living room talking. Boudreaux was on his best behavior -- trying to make a good impression on Clotile.
When Clotile left the living room for a while, Boudreaux was looking around the room and noticed there was an old Hammond Organ in the corner. Boudreaux noticed that there was a fish bowl filled with water on top of the organ with something floating on the surface of the water. Boudreaux walked over to get a closer look and noticed that the object floating in the fish bowl was a condom. Puzzled, Boudreaux went back to his seat.
When Clotile returned to the living room, Boudreaux and Clotile continued their conversation -- but all the time Boudreaux kept thinking about that thing in the fish bowl.
After much of the evening passed, Boudreaux's curiosity got the best of him and he asked Clotile, "Mais, Clotile, whats dat ting doin in dat fish bowl up dere?"
Clotile replied, "Mais Boudreaux, let me tell you about dat. One day I was walking down de road down by de bayou and I found dat ting on de side of de road. Mais, you know I picked it up and brought it home. I read the writing on de package and it said 'For prevention of disease - put it on your organ and keep it wet.'. So I put it up dere and you know, Boudreaux it really works yea -- I haven't had a cold in over a year now!"
---
Boudreaux & Clotile and Pierre & Marie, (two happily married couples) all decide to have a pedro game one night. So they all meet at Boudreaux & Clotile's house and begin playing cards. A couple of games later, Boudreaux decides he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes. Then Marie decides to get more beer in the kitchen and she goes.
Remaining at the pedro table were Pierre and Clotile. Pierre, looking at Clotile (Boudreaux's wife) tells her (Clotile) that he thinks she looks good and that he would like nothing more than to "fool around" with her. Well, Clotile gives in and tells Pierre that it will cost him. Pierre asks "how much?" Clotile says "$100.00". Pierre tells her that that is too much, being he has no job. Then after a little while, Pierre agrees to pay her. They decide that he will go over the next morning while Boudreaux is at work.
So they finish their pedro game that night, and Pierre goes over to Boudreaux's house just after Boudreaux leaves for work (not to see Boudreaux, no!!) and he and Clotile spend the day together. He gets what he wants from Clotile and gives her the $100.00 then leaves.
A little while later Boudreaux comes home and asks Clotile if Pierre came by today. Clotile was shocked, but couldn't tell a lie to Boudreaux and says yes, Pierre did come by. Then Boudreaux asks if Pierre gave her $100.00. Clotile replies yes while hesitating. Boudreaux says, that good ole friend of mine, Pierre; I knew I could count on him. This morning he came by work and borrowed $100.00 and said he'd have it back by 5:00 PM.
---
After having their 10th child, Boudreaux and Clotile decided that that was enough. So Boudreaux went to the doctor and told the doctor that he and Clotile didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told Boudreaux that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor told Boudreaux that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light the fuse, put the cherry bomb in a can, then hold the can up to his ear, and count to 10.
Boudreaux said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help us not have any more children." So Boudreaux and Clotile drove to Texas to get a second opinion.
The Texas doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he figured out who he was dealing with. So, the doctor told Boudreaux to go home and get a cherry bomb, light the fuse, place the cherry bomb in a tin can, hold it next to his ear, and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, Boudreaux went home, got a cherry bomb, lit the fuse, and put the cherry bomb in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count on his fingers, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs, and resumed his counting with the fingers on his other hand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): A new member of the golf club, Lofty, was paired up with an established club memeber, Shorty, for a round. As they were making their way around the course, Shorty was asking Lofty about what he did for a living. Lofty said that he was a hit-man, and charged £1000 a hit.
Shorty didn't really believe him, so to prove it, Lofty reached into his golf buggy and peoduced a Sharps sniper rifle complete with telescopic sight, and handed it to Shorty to inspect. Quite taken aback, Shorty lifted the rifle and looked through the sight.
"Well whaddya know!" said Shorty "I can see my house from here! Wait a minute, there's my wife in the bedroom and she doesn't have any clothes on! Jesus! - there's our next door neighbour in there with her and he ain't got any clothes on either!"
So he handed Lofty his rifle back saying "Here - shoot that bastard in the balls - I'm not having this nonsense going on when I'm out playing golf, and while you're at it, she was always a mouthy cow so shoot her in the mouth - I'll write you a cheque for the £2000 when we get back to the clubhouse!"
After making sure that Shorty was serious about it, Lofty raised the rifle and aimed, but was taking quite some time about it. "What you waiting for?" asked Shorty. Lofty replied "Patience my friend, I'm trying to save you a grand"
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 July 2008):
Father Scola could make some good sermons. One day he was talking on the Ten Commandments and, boy, did he get excited. He was jumping up and down. Beating on the pulpit. He said you have to obey the Ten Commandments. He said everyone has sinned and messed up at some point.
“Some of you think you’re perfect,” he said. “Well, nobody’s perfect!”
He got more and more excited. “Anyone out there who thinks he’s perfect, stand up,” he said.
After a while, Clabert stood up.
“I can’t believe you think you’re perfect!” Father Scola said to him.
“No, not me, Father,” Clabert said. “I’m just standing in for my wife’s first husband!”
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (10 July 2008):
 Puts hands up.
Guilty as charged Big Sis.. but me thinks you know that already!
here's a quickie for you.
Q: What's geographically wrong with Australia?
A: Its above sea level.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 July 2008):
Boudreaux, Shawee, Cowan and T-Brud were playing a round of golf with a $200 wager on the match. Boudreaux had a 10-foot putt on the 18th green to win the money. He eyed the break from every angle and was meticulous in setting up to stroke the ball. As he was settling in his stance for the putt, a funeral procession started to pass. Boudreaux put down his putter, took off his cap, placed it over his chest and waited for the procession to pass. After the last vehicle was out of sight, Boudreaux picked up his putter and resumed his putting stance.
Seeing this, Shawee said in amazement, “Mais, sha, dat wuz da mos’ touching ting ah naver did see befo’, me. Wit da match on da line, ah can’t bleave you stopped playing
ta pay you respects! Wat a decent ting ta do, Boudreaux!”
“Yabbut, Clotilde was a good woman, yeah,” replied Boudreaux. “We wuz married fo’ 25 years, us!”
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): I ran that lot by 'er indoors - she got one right, the one about using your hand.
Very good bit of fun, that!
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQUIZ TIME!!
Q. What's long and tubular and full of seamen? (This joke must be done orally.)
A. A submarine.
Q. What does a dog do that a man steps into?
A. Pants.
Q. What's a four letter word that ends in "k" and means
intercourse?
A. talk.
Q. What four letter word begins with "F", ends with "K", and if you can't get one you have to use your hand?
A. Fork.
Q. What does a man have that gets bigger as you stroke it?
A. His ego.
Q. What's hard, long, has two nuts and can make a girl fat?
A. Almond joy.
Q. What part of a man's body enlarges to approximately three times it's normal size when excited?
A. Pupils.
Q. What word starts with a "C", ends with a "T" and means pussy?
A. Cat.
YOU LOT 'NARF GOT FILTHY MINDS!
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionApology accepted my darlin'...I take that raspberry back.
*sucks cheeks back in*
: =
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks buddy, at least someone appreciates my jokes! *blows kiss*
then
*blows raspberry at Diovan*
: )
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Big Hugs, So sorry, you know I'm just a grump.... I did like the one about Johnny the £200 and the lady who picked them up..... now that's a joke, laugh, I nearly cried...LOL
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell that's nice to know, Lestat...thanks for putting a downer on my joke, just when I was starting to smile again.
: (
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (10 July 2008):
Ha!!!
nice one big sis.. you are the greatest!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Oh BigSis, (groan) that wasn't worth the trouble, it's as old as the hills, and I've seen it before... (why do I always give in to these things)
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWOW! Thanks for that Anon. I think they're great.
******
THIS IS A KILLER....
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and He shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
... Wait for it. ..
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
... It's coming. ..
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
... The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
: ^ )
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): I heard that one too.. but on this! Got sent to me from a friend.. hmm cheeky sod!Man Laws - Latest from the International Council of Man Laws1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) When she is using her teeth.3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights: a) Yeah, Ba-by, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers!22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"" BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"I hope this clears up any confusion,The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (7 July 2008):
I ethpethially like the end result...
Very funny BigSis!
Please keep 'em coming. I love that I have answered this column because every time I log in it prompts me that someone has added another joke here, and it really makes may day! THANKS!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): hahahahahahahaha
wooooow those were really funny . As always. where do you find all of these anyways! lol
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (4 July 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell.....
Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
xXx
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (26 June 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJohnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, 'The bastard used pennies!!
: ^ o
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal
in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting
screwed!
: ^ )
BS xXx
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A
male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (14 June 2008):
 oh geeez, i just read all of that. do you have any idea how long that took. especially considering i had to take bathroom breaks so i didnt wet myself. thats some good stuff.... well not all of it but most of it. well actually it was all of it but im still offended by some of it if it was funny lol. well i would write some jokes of my own but that took so long that im past my usual bed time. good night.
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (26 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHave a read of these, they're brilliant...and so appropriate for this site.
Eight Words with two Meanings:
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female..... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND...He said ~ She said:
He said..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?
*
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said.... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
*
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
*
He said..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said.... I would but you're never there.
*
He said..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said.... They don't have time
*
He said..... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said.... We don't know; it has never happened.
*
He said..... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good~looking?
She said.... They already have boyfriends.
*
She said.... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said..... A widow.
*
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (23 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFive tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
xXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): sorry for the length but glad you enjoyed it :D
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (21 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBlimey Vegas...took me all morning to read that. Very funny tho. Keep it up. {As the actress said to the Bishop!}
One more from me before I get on to my private messages, after I've done all my housework...Blurrrhhh!!
**A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of vibrators. Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters!!**
xXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): that also goes for best friends sometimes too !!! lol
I love all my best friends tho ...
here are some random jokes for your entertainment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the perfect day
The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.(you know what they would do with those!)
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot
what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daughters are curious~~~
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First Visit
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Low Sperm Count
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who's This Guy
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Duct Tape
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
101 Things Not To Say During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession..
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
thats all I have for you 2day!
I hope it's funny to you all :D
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): I keep re-visiting this thread, pure brilliance!! Rolling on the floor laughing at most of these :]
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (20 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks WaterLoo....Ditto!
Hey Vegas, nice to 'see' you again! That's what I like to 'hear' .... that I'm putting smiles on people's faces.
: )
___________________________________________________
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free.....
....you either married it or gave birth to it.
xXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): those last too were hilarious!!!!! hahaha !! you put a smile on my face every time !!! :D
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Oh that one was fantastic, i nearly choked on my fish and chips, thank you!!! Great, take care and have a fabulous life.
xxxx
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (19 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYo WaterLoo...glad they're makin' you smile hon. This next one's a laugh..
They say Doctors Never Laugh....
The Doctor said 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then', Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
'I'm so sorry', said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'....
'It's swollen', Bob replied.
: ^ D
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Brilliant!!! Where do you get them from. They make my day.....xxx
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (19 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the question*BEFORE MARRIAGE*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
: )
John ~ Ahh...At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane ~ Do you want me to leave?
John ~ NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane ~ Do you love me?
John ~ Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane ~ Have you ever cheated on me?
John ~ NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane ~ Will you kiss me?
John ~ Every chance I get!
Jane ~ Will you hit me?
John ~ Hell no! Are you crazy?
Jane ~ Can I trust you?
John ~ Yes
Jane ~ Darling!
*AFTER MARRIAGE*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Read from the bottom back to the top.
xXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): very funny as always :D
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A
female
reader, daisydaresyou +, writes (15 May 2008):
I would hate a guy to say those things to me...he wants to paint the living room, go shopping and have my mum over to stay?! What?! Why?! How about1. God I love to give women head2. There's no better way to wake you up than to make you come then make you a cuppa3. No, let *me* go to the shop, do you want any chocolate?4. Aw you have PMT? Let me get you some tea and give you a massage5. Goddamn you're beautiful first thing in the morning
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Ahhhhhh! Sis children My daughter wrote a diet sheet we had discussed over a period of time that sweets crisps and fizzy drinks we're not a good diet and that is why I prefered her to eat healthy foods, So off she went and did a list complete with drawings of the thigs she should keep away from. So it went like this....NONE OF THIS!!!!CRISPS SWEETS AND COCK!!!!!!It was pinned up in the kitchen for a day before I noticed, Then I realised and couldnt stop laughing and explained what she had written as best as I could, My sons said why didnt you say it was a male chicken!!Em because they would tell her at school anywho is my thinking...Next day lying in bed watching ant n dec Im a celeb, Ant says to this woman "Are you going to eat the kangaroo bollock?" "MUMMY WHATS A BOLLOCK" Its the other side of the coke sweetheart! THATS COCK N BOLLOCK IN 48hrs thats enough sex ed for this week :)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (15 May 2008):
I got that one last week too! I loved it, especially the "Monotony" joke at the end!
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (15 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you are even remotely familiar with holy scripture, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Roman Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments.
Can you imagine yourself to be the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!
~^~^~^~
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients .
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. After wards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11.. Moses died before he ever reached Canada . Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The Epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan..
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse ~ this is called 'Monotony'.
Don't you just love children....I do, I used to go to school with them.
xXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): haha as always it's very funny !!!!! :D
heres a few I found
hope you like it !!!!!
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TRUTH IN THE INNOCENCE OF YOUTH
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The copper said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women
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AT THE SUPERMARKET
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."
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AN EASY ENOUGH MISTAKE
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
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A MAN MEETS A GENIE
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
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ON HONEYMOON
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand
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OBSERVING THE BABY
Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
HAHAH LOL
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DAD GETS WITH IT
A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter so he wanted tried impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.
After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"
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BUYING CONDOMS
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
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GUESSING GAMES FOR DINNER
Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole
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DRIVING HOME ONE AFTERNOON
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.
The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
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OLD WOMAN WHO HAS A BABY
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."
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ON A TRANSATLANTIC FLIGHT
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
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IN THE BRIDAL SUITE
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."
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HONEYMOON IN A LOG CABIN
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window...they're choking my ducks!"
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GETTING USED TO IT
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
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THE VOICE
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married
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DURING THE WEDDING REHEARSAL
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.
"Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
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THE 4TH GRADERS
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
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THE PROUD FATHER
A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with you - father of four!"
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JUST A CRUEL TWIST OF FATE
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
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RECOVERING FROM THE SURGERY
A husband was just coming out of anaesthesia after having surgery in the hospital, and his faithful wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes started to open and he quietly uttered, "You're beautiful."
He soon drifted back to sleep, and after awhile he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to beautiful?" she asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied
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HOW CAN YOU TELL?
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote
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thats all I gots for now !!!!
hope atleast one of them made ya laugh :D
OXOXOXOXOX - *~VG~*
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (11 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSweety Pie, very good, that made me laugh, thanks...but now you've gone and given the guys ideas on how to be a bit more careful when answering their wives.
Us girls have a very cunning way of catching our fellas out.... even if we don't mean to, {just like in the joke below} either that, or they're just too slow for us.
xXx
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female
reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (11 May 2008):
Haha heres a joke about men and women I think its kinda funny :)
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- - silence -
HUSBAND:
F**k
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): Oh sweety that must have been awfull for you!!!!!!!
cheap medical care can be the same sweetheart! Just terrible.....I have american friends and WELL WHAT CAN I SAY BUT!!!!I JUST FEEL SO BAD FOR THEM!!!!!!
10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist/colorectal surgeon in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
What a world hunny BUT WE HAVE TO LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!!!!!!!! Here is a little laughter for u hun.....
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." (:0)
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Mandy xXx
I phoned the Samaritans this morning because I needed some advice on something, and this was the automated service I had to listen to....
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...
If you are an obsessive compulsive ~ please press 1 repeatedly...
If you are co~dependant ~ ask someone to press 2 for you...
If you have multiple personalities ~ press 3~4~5 and 6...
If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want ~ so stay on the line and we'll trace your call...
If you are delusional ~ please press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship...
If you are schizophrenic ~ listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press...
If you are a depressive ~ it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you...
If you are dyslexic ~ press 69696969...
If you have a nervous disorder - please fidget with the hash key until the beep after the beep please wait for the beep...
If you have a short term memory loss ~ please try your call again later...
And if you have low self-esteem ~ please hang up all our operators are too busy to talk to you".
: ^ (
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH HOW EXCITIN!!!!!!!!I always wanted a crackajack penthil! (My knickers were showing again eh!!!whoops) At least they were pirate ones, Eat ya heartys out jack sparrow!!!!! OOOOOH I COULD JUST CRUSH A GRAPE!!!!(:0) Thanku soooooooooooooooo much, CONGRATS SIS!!!!TIS LIKE THE OTHCARS XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (:0)
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYAY!! Mandy... you posted the 100th answer, I hereby award you with the Crackerjack pencil and a couple of cabbages or were ther cauli's...oh and 'Crackerjacks' web site.
www.nostalgiacentral.com/tv/kids/crackerjack.htm
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Thanks all you guys for adding to this Artical, it's been tremendous fun and I'd like to thank all of you who have inspired me to writing such nonsence with you lot.
I'd like to say a big thank you to Andrew, AKA Cupid for not contributing, and I would also like to speshly thank my mum and dad....for having me....even tho' they're not with us anymore.
*Takes a bow, waves and walks off stage holding hands with Mandy, who's too busy polishing her award with the bottom of her skirt, not realising that all her nickers are showning!*
BigSis
xXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): OOOOOOH! 2 willys ta Tisha nice suprise b4 bed LOTS OF SQUIDGY HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Oh dear, Sis! Ham? Nearly right. It's also known as the 'Pork Sword'.
Damage to this particular part of the male anatomy is also referred to as 'Snapping the Banjo string'. I remember once when I was in Mombasa . . . . . . but I'd rather forget
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (9 May 2008):
That was quite the eyeful. All the barbie outfits in the world couldn't make that pretty. EEwwwh!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 May 2008):
BigSis, you learn AAALLLL kinds of things here on DC! Quite an ejimication... Sorry, Unky Phil, for the *gasp* factor!
And I've got some great new jokes from this thread, ta for that!
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (9 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOMG!!! Tisha!! I googled 'frenulum breve' and I got an eyeful of willies!!!
I've never heard of that before.
I thought 'cos I mentioned salami in a Deli' I assumed 'frenulum breve' was a type of soft cheese or a ham of somekind.
xXx
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (9 May 2008):
I don't know Phil! Send us a couple of pictures to compare them and I'll put them in the spank bank with the one from Waz!
How do you make a hormone?
Kick her in the shins...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Trust you pair to come up with something painful!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 May 2008):
Ooh, is that a possible treatment option for frenulum breve?
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (9 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPhil, I'd like to see you wipe your's on my horizontal metal blinds, heeheehee!!!..the image would be just like you're slicing a salami in a deli.
: )
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Footballers are just a bunch of pansies! I mean, in what other sport do 'men' go around jumping on each other and hugging and kissing each other when they score?
Apart from that, they use completely the wrong shaped ball. Compare the boy David Beckham with the man Martin Johnson. No bloody contest!
How do you make a woman moan?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (9 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk then, q1605...why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
To help them remember which end to wipe. SO HA!!
*
Why do little boys whine?
They are practicing to be men.
*
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
*
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals".
Love you really!
: )
xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): OOOOOH! I love to moan when I take a piss...Well its like meditation...
Originated generally in its present form in Britain.
Worlds oldest club formed in 1857 is Sheffield FC.
The most played and most watched sport on Earth.
Called football in practically every country except America, who call 'Grid Iron' football and football soccer :)
Famous rivalries include the Old Firm ( Scotland ), Manchester derby, London derbies, Milan derby, Real vs Barcelona, and many more.
Some famous players: Pele, Maradonna, Charlton, Eusebio, Cruyff, Dalglish, Ronaldo, Beckham, Mattheus I got me footyball facts book hunny
I love me footie as well wiz waz, GLAD TO SEE U GUYS HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH US GIRLIES XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (9 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNacho's? Cutie? Tasty more like! I'd have him with melted chese any time of the day or night! Wouldn't mind dippin' that in me sauce pot!!!
I've always known what 'offside' meant, so there, NER!
Waz...Your version of the 'offside' rule was so very well explained...and excitin'...
...but I'm going to give you my definitions of the offside rule, here goes;
Definition 1 : The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.
Definition 2 : The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricket.
Definition 3 : A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.
A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.
All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision.
Any clearer girls?
BigSis {A true 'footer fan'!}
: ^ )
xXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): OK! BARBIE! EARLY MORNIN DRIBBLIN GOIN ON! XXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): That was mcfunny mcsofiamorgan lots of mclove mcmandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx TISH hun get a pee pee chair (:0) Im a barby girl in a barby world its fantastic! IS THAT PLASTIC? q1605 my little matey LOL!!!!!This is great for first thing in the mornin enta tainment XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (9 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHa!! I got that in my emails too, Sophia.
FROM THE USA, AN OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:
The government today announced that it is changing it's emblem from and Eagle to a Condom ~ because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 May 2008):
Mandy, those are priceless! I am HOWLING, hope none of the neighbors call the men with the padded vans and those little jackets with the extra long arms...
And Birdy, BigSis and the rest of you lot, I have had to run to the loo, my darlings or there would have been embarassing stains to 'splain. Birdy, please please please, new avatar!!! With the little tiny plastic high heeled pumps too? Pwetty pwease?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (8 May 2008):
MANDY - I've decided not to let my husband read that last joke because I know that he knows where my Barbie doll collection is and I have JUST RUN OUTTA TENNAS AND DEPENDS!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG - I just know what he be getting up to if he read that, and he probably wouldn't stop until he got through all the outfits and I was rolling on the floor with tears in my ears!!!!!!!!! WHAT A LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!
Birdy
XXXXXXXXXXXX
I'm thinking of changing my avatar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (8 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh dear Mandy, that's where I must be going wrong, I really must think before opening my gob in future!!
Those were crazy! Thanks for them.
xXxXxXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): EYES HUN
A menstrual cycle is a really pissed of push bike!!!!!!
Right I found this, It should keep ya busy n make u smile awhile....(:0)
60 things NOT to say to a naked guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
NUMBER 16 HAD ME ON THE FLOOR!!!! Of course once again no hate mail just joking you cute cupid guys!!!!!!!:)
WIV LUUUUUUUUUUUV MAD MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): haha keep it coming guys !!! lol and I'll do my best to do the same !!! :)
*~VG~*
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (7 May 2008):
Nice ones, VegasGirl15! BigSis!!! I love that mood ring joke. My husband didn't - GO FIGURE! But he didn't like the mark on his forehead either! HAHAHAHA!
Foreplay around the world!
Jewish foreplay = 1/2 hour of Begging
Italian foreplay = *man snaps fingers and points to the bed*
Irish foreplay = "I'll be there after another drink, Darlin'!"
English foreplay = *shaking wife* "Are you Awake?"
Australian foreplay = "Brace Yourself, Sheila!"
American foreplay = six pack
Canadian foreplay = Hockey Night in Canada + six pack (BUT THE BEER IS BETTER...)
Brooklyn foreplay = Yo, Get ova Heer!
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (7 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEyes? You're not that old are you?
: ^ o
*****************************************
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
*****************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (7 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEyes? You're not that old are you?
: ^ o
*****************************************
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
*****************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 May 2008):
 What's a menstrual cycle again?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): MEWAAAAAAAAAAA! Evil laugh back sis, us girls are soooooooooooooooooooo powerful (:0) glad you liked the little bit of mad mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (7 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLOL, Mandy....I'm lovin'it!
Now don't you worry, the uncles here on DC wouldn't dare send hate mail.
We out~number you big time, don't we boys? If any of you have a problem with that, then you've a choice of agony aunts who'll gladly help. We'll be readily available for you ~ but only during our menstrual cycle.
Mwaahahahaha - *evil laugh*
8 ^ )
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Hi everyone love the storys guys.......
What's a man's idea of foreplay? -A half-hour of begging.
If men had PMS/PMT, what would happen? A. The federal government would allocate funds to study it. B. Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.C.. There would be a federal holiday every 28 days
What's so great about being a dick ? 1) You've got a head with no brains. 2) Two nuts follow you around all day. 3) Your neighbour is an asshole. 4) Your best friend is a c*** !
There ya go ladys a little bit of fun from meeeeeeeee no hate mail guys love you all dearly XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (7 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVegas, we are all of special, and yes I did, they were great.
: )
*MENOPAUSE JEWELLERY*
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods and be prepared.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green....
...but when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
f**kin' red mark on his forehead!
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): WOW I feel special !!!! Did you really like them ?
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (6 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVery good Vegas.
You have now officially earned your rossette of ~ 'Nutter of the week' .... Join the club!
: )
xXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I have a few
they probably aren't as funny as yours but they made me laugh a bit
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound
like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really
want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will
you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.
I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...
Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa
asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when
you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Come backs to pickup lines
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
what would be diffrent if men really did rule the world
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife- to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
what a scary place that would be !!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Men are like .....
... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.
... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
what a woman wants in a man
What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
-----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
----------------------------------
1. Breathing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hope you liked them :D
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): very funny !!! lol :) you always know how to make me smile :D lol
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (6 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh Vegas, So glad we made you cry...
....with laughter.
Here's The world's shortest fairytale, it may help you sleep tonight;
Once upon a time a guy asked his girlfriend to marry him............She said NO......and she lived happy ever after.
Why?...Because she went shopping, drank vodka and partied 'til all hours with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted on!!!
The End
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): OMG this stuff is pure genius!!!!
It made me laugh til I creid . My mom asked me why I was laughing soooo hard and I couldn't stuff long enough to tell her why !!! thanks so much for posting !
If you find anything new like this please let me know !!!
they are so good :)
LOL ROFL LMAO!!!!
*~VG~*
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (4 May 2008):
Here' on for the Guys!
RULES THAT GUYS WISH WOMEN KNEW!
If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Anything you wear is fine, Really.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you, Live with it.
SUNDAY = SPORTS.
Learn how to use the toilet seat, If it's up, Put it down.
Yes, you have too many shoes.
MARK ANNIVERSARIES ON A CALENDAR.
You must first deposit money into the bank before you remove it.
CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers.
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Nothing says "I Love You" like sex.
If you do find a t-shirt with this printed on it, and you give it to your husband, be prepare to see him wearing it, OFTEN!!! Which brings me to the point, What was I thinking?
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (3 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTips for the ladies in year 2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every colour.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt ~ a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. {I'm on it ~ and so far I've lost 15 days}.
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here...
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade ~ then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember every good looking sweet, single male is someone else's ex-boyfriend!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): TEE! HEE! (:0)XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (1 May 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Some of Cupid's Aunts admitted they were at a loss trying to answer the following;
~~~~~
Dear Cupid, a couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
~~~~~
Ok, so what can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?
~~~~~
Hi, I'm confused, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
~~~~~
Dear aunties and uncles, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him.
~~~~~
Hey, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
~~~~~
Help please, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
~~~~~
HELP! I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
~~~~~
Here's the thing, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist £50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. Do you think he's crazy?
~~~~~
Dear all I was married for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
~~~~~
Please help me, My mother is mean and short tempered do you think she is going through mental pause?
~~~~~
Well anyway, you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. So now what do you suggest I do?
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (27 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'Ok how much this time?'
Boy - '£350'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer .The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.' The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - 'To a friend of mine for a £600.'
The father says, 'that's a terrible thing overcharging your friend like that 'that's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again you little pr*ck, you're in my f***ing cupboard now'!!
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (24 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1... My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2... I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3... Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4... I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5... Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6... You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7... Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8... Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
9... I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!
: )
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (19 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear All,
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year.
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .....
...or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this message to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have
infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
: )
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 April 2008):
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes...After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long
The mistress: Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... He did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night
The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes home from work, opens the door and says....,
'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (16 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLMAO!!! Nice one Mandy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Choosing a Wife"
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and re~invests the remainder in to a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then.........he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
: D
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): Hi girls still going I see good 1 sis....Here's one for the ladys........
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die."
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
For dinner, fix especially nice meals selected from his favorite foods and don't burden him with household chores or problems.
Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every sexual whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
She replied, "You're going to die."
TAKE CARE YA ALL LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX(:0)
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (14 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eyes, I most definitely am better off!
Birdie, talking of widows, check this out...a bit long, but worth it-- {: ^ )
"Dead husband sends an email?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A London couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to co~ordinate their travel arrangements.
So, the husband left London and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile....somewhere in America ....a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her emails, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I have Arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS ........ Sure is hot down here!!
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 April 2008):
Under the circumcisions, I think you are better off, Big Sis!
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (14 April 2008):
Roseanne Barr said, after her divorce from Tom Arnold -
"I never wanted to be Divorcee, I wanted to be a Widow!" LOL!
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 April 2008):
The guy should be in a penal institute.
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (14 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to share this personal message from me ~ (Big Sis), with all you ladies out there ~ who still resent their ex's.
"In Not So Loving Memory Of My Not So Dearest Ex~Husband"
It wasn't easy being a 'dick', was it?
You had a 'head' you couldn't think with,
And an 'eye' you couldn't see out of,
You hung around with 'two nuts' all the time...
Also your closest neighbour was a real 'asshole'
And your best friend was a 'pussy'.
But worst of all, every time you got excited ~ you'd bash yourself ~ 'til you threw up!!
So don't rest in peace........when your times comes.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (13 April 2008):
Old couple arguing about nothing, as usual.
Wife - When You die, I'm going to dance on your grave.
Husband - Let her dance - I'm going to be be buried at sea!
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (13 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMen and women just can't get along...
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
=+=+=+=+=+=
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
"What about the smell?"
"Hold its nose."
=+=+=+=+=+=
Sylvia was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.
"Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.
"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Sylvie, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
=+=+=+=+=+=
The funeral parlor called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such a big pecker.
Well, she said, "Cut it off as close to his body as you can then shove it up his arse".
The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects, and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek.
She leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I told you it hurt, you old fart!"
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (11 April 2008):
Ba Da Bum Tschhhh!
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (11 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHa!! Nice one Fall out..
Do you know something? I gave up drinking, smoking and sex.......it was the worst 15 minutes of my life! Now, in saying that, I have, however, decided i'm not going to drink anymore, but then again, i'm not drinking any less
: )
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A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (10 April 2008):
 Credit to a friend
A man and a women were in borders one day. and the man reached for a book, his elbow brushing up against her Breats. he said "if you heart is a soft as your boobs, no doubt you will forgive me"
she replied
"if you penis is a hard as your elbow, you can have my number"
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (10 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...
'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of
your control top pantyhose.'
While this was on the edge of intolerable,
she kept silent.
The next morning,
the man woke his wife with
a pinch on each of her breasts
and said....
'You know, if you firmed these up,
we could get rid of your bra.'
This was
beyond
a silent response...
So she rolled over
and
grabbed him
by his
'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place,
she said...
'You know,
if you
firmed this up,
we could
get rid of
the gardener ,
the postman,
the pool man
and
your brother!!!!'
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): Great stuff as usuall...THANK GOD AND ALL THE ANGELS MY LIFE ISNT THAT FUNNY!!!!!!!! (:0) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (9 April 2008):
Ha! Loved it!
I was once with a bunch of crazy women doing a bus tour through Europe. To pass the time, the women would tell jokes using the mike at the front of the bus. People would print off all of the latest jokes they had been forwarded. One woman, HEIDI, got up to the front and told this joke. Keep in mind, it's not really smutty, but at one point, the breathy mike and ONE line in the joke nearly sent the startled male bus driver off the road.
What's the difference between a Hooker, a Girlfriend and a Wife?
Well, after having sex, the Hooker says - That will be $100 dollars.
After having sex, the Girlfriend says (and this is where the bus swerved.....)
- OOOoohhh, Baby, That was Good!
When the sex is over for the the Wife, she says -
Beige...
I Think I'll Paint the Ceiling Beige...
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (9 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBrilliant, Uncle Phill...and so true. Thanks for those.
Savour on this ~ if you will....
Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......!!!!!!!!
========================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, 'Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?'
The time you felt me move was because I was trying to breathe!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): NON VERBAL COMMUNICATION - WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
Hers:
1. Sigh - You haven't noticed something new about her appearance.
2. Tut - You have noticed something but that wasn't it.
3. Folded arms - You've said something in the last fortnight, she's gone away and thought about it, and has decided she doesn't like it. Now she is waiting for you to a) guess what it is and b) apologise for it. To spice things up, she has also decided that she is not going to give you any clues as to what it might be.
4. Smirk - She's enjoying watching you try to guess why she's annoyed with you, thus giving her some fresh reasons to be annoyed. It's the perfect lose, lose situation.
5. Raised eyebrow - She's having trouble believing that what she caught you doing in the shed was a very important prostate self-examination and that you were holding your penis in the other hand for balance.
6. Raised eyebrow with smirk - She thinks you could do with some extra lessons in foreplay technique at night school.
7. Punch to the arm - She's spotted you ogling women from behind your sunglasses.
8. Slap around face - She hasn't found coming coming back from the bathroom to find all the remaining pizza slices stuffed inside your mouth as funny as you thought.
9. Weeping - She's happy, sad, who knows?
His:
1. Sigh - He's not happy that you've kept him to a promise he made when he was drunk.
2. Tut - He's remembered something he could be doing now if you weren't being quite so unreasonable.
3. Arms folded - There's an attractive woman in the vicinity and he doesn't want her to see his belly.
4. Smirk - He's just farted and can hear someone else getting the blame for it.
5. Raised eyebrow - He's having trouble believing you've somehow lost the receipt for those new shoes.
6. Raised eyebrow with a smirk - He's remembered what you promised to do when you were drunk.
7. Punch in the arm - He's just got the phone bill.
8. Slap around the face - He's concerned your hysteria about the phone bill is getting out of hand.
9. Weeping - He'd quite like a new car.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): They say men are the stronger sex! So how come she always gets the duvet! BOOM BOOM!!!! Love ya xxxxxxxxxxxx (:0)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): What is love? It's that feeling you get in your guts when you see a girl across a crowded room and think "Wow. One day I'm going to make you the unhappiest woman alive."
Try not to mistake love for lust, which is worth four points less in Scrabble.
To keep love alive, every relationship should be sprinkled with liberal amounts of joyous laughter.
Occasions when it is best for you not to laugh:
1. When she models her new sexy underwear
2. When she's giving birth
3. When you win an argument
4. When she stubs her toe on something she told you several times to put away.
5. When she tells you how she felt when her favourite pet died
6. When she says she didn't reach orgasm
7. Just after saying sorry
8. When she tells you she thinks the two of you are soul mates
The Great Toilet Seat Debate:
Some women accuse men of being thoughtless for leaving the toilet seat up. The truth of the matter is, men do try to pee with the seat down, but it causes such a mess it has to be put up to drain.
Things you'll never hear a woman say:
1. My, what an attractive scrotum
2. I've packed too many clothes for our holiday
3. A hairy back - lovely!
4. That's enough foreplay
5. I couldn't eat another chocolate.
Things you'll never hear a man say:
1. Oral sex? No thank you
2. Could you pass me the clothes pegs please?
3. I'm sorry darling, could you tell me that again, but in a bit more detail?
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (5 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat happened there?
E: LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
F: LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over whom gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
G: LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
Just how true were those??
G:
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (5 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUncle Phil...Moi? Drink wine? How very dare you!!
Check this out: 'Love Lust and Marriage'
A: LOVE- You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST- You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE- You only leave the house when you're allowed
B: LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.
C: LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When ... uh ... what's a climax?
D: LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
C:
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Also - have a look on Amazon - there's a load of his stuff on there.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): And after exactly how many glasses of wine was that?
(:o)
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (4 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI promise i'm not posting for the fun of it...I just spotted another silly-arse mistake, this time I meant to put 'Uncle' not 'Doc'
Jeeez!! Give me strength...'I'm an Agony Aunt...Get me out of here!!!!!'
: ^O
I think i'm going to crawl round Uncle Cupid and see if he can give us the facility to be able to correct our smelling mistooks.
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (4 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI meant buy not but...Silly arse I am. : )
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (4 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI may just go out and but a copy, Doc...and yeah, go for it, let's all have a peek.
I have a few more blinders ready to plaster here. Watch this space.
{: ^)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): It's brilliant - and very insightful about the funnier side of relationships. I just about split my sides laughing when I first read it. Available from WHS. The author is Jeff Green.
My neighbour has it at the moment, but when I get it back I dare say I could add quite a few gems to this thread.
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (4 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo i haven't, Uncle Phill, is it good?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Sis - have you also got that book 'The A-Z of Living Together' ?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Oh my god have I short people living in my house hun!!!!!!!!! Oh yea just one!!!!:) The others got bloody tall! good one mate giggles for my morning XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (3 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is for all the women who can handle it ~
and for all the men who will enjoy reading it.
1. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
2. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
3. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
4. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
5. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
6. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
7. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. OFFSPRING
AHH....children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
BigSis xXx
: ^)
...............................
A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (2 April 2008):
that was great
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): He he
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (2 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA man thought that his wife was cheating on him. Since he didn't have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to go with a much cheaper one -- a Chinese man named Mr. Lee.
The following day he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see.
No fee,
Chen Lee
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (1 April 2008):
BigSis!!! Good Shtick! Thanks for the laughs!!! They put his left leg in, and that when the whole problem started... Ar Ar Ar!
Ba Da Bum Tschhhh!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (1 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunty depressant... hee hee hee, very good, Mandy, very good indeed, and glad to be of help.
More jokes and quotes to come...just watch this space : -)
Your ever~curing Aunty~biotic, BigSis xXx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): You carry on doing mate it brightens my mornings afternoons n evenings, The night if I cant get any sleep, ur an aunty depressant hunny the best kind...Take Care LOTS OF LOVE XXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Excellent! Just what i love to hear! You are so funny mate, still laughing hours later, keep it up.
take care
xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (1 April 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA woman once said:
A man is like a deck of playing cards...
A Heart to love him...
A Diamond to marry him...
A Club to smash his fecking head in....and...
A Spade to bury the bastard.
(: )
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (29 March 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou told me to keep them coming...well here's more...
1. Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night; I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.
2. A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.
3. My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a terrible shame cause he's a really good vet.
4. Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the shit out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.
5. Little girl gets lost in The Warehouse, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.
6. A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.
7. Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off..... Ann replies 'You better jack off, I've got a headache'.
8. Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.
9. Paul McCartney poem; We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.
10. Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!
11. It's important to keep fit as you get older; my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!
12. Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.
13. Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?'
The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse!'
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): Oh mate I have got tears pouring out of every orifice...Seriously hunny I need a bloody pamper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I cant see, That was sooooooooooooo funny its brightened my day really sooooooooo much THANKU HUNNY (:0) Your one in a million LOTS OF LOVE N SQUIDGY HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): ROFL My wife had to leave the room while I was reading them aloud because her stomach was hurting from laughing so much. Those clips from letters are priceless. Keep them coming.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): FANTASTIC!XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 March 2008):
Oh, BigSis, you know how to brighten up the day!!! Those council letters are priceless!!! Thank you for the belly laughs.
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (28 March 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo help you forget your every day problems and read how others put their thoughts into words, these are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage hasfungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. The neighbour's 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
13. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
14. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
15. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
16. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
17. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
18. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (26 March 2008):
BigSis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again, in relation to some of the problems we are receiving here, let's cheer their situations up by suggesting complimentary or insulting messages they can send via a greetings card.....meant in the nicest possible way of course : o )
A few examples:-
1. I wish you never left me
please cut me some slack
Can't reach the TV remote
I beg you...come back!
****
2. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...Would you like to take this
knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
****
3. Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
****
4. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
****
5. We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
****
6. I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
****
7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
****
8. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
****
9. As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
****
10. Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you shave your pussy
I'll shave mine too.
****
11. I've always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you...
I've changed my mind.
****
12. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
****
13. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
ps. May I just add, no animals were harmed in the making of that last message.
Please add your own suggestions : )
BigSis xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): OK, if we're voting, I'll take 4 and 7.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Haha that's just legendary. I'm gonna be forced to show my boyfriend when his sorry arse turns up :] haha thanks for posting.
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male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (25 March 2008):
that was great
2,5 and 7 are excellent
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): ROFL That had my wife and I almost in tears. I think the first 8 are great. For some reason, my wife doesn't like them nearly as much as the last 8. I can't understand why not.
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