A
male
age
41-50,
*heeler
writes:I have another posting with more details and a different question, but after reading some other posts (and just being honest with myself) I feel this question needs to be answered as well.Long story short, I met an amazing girl, we had a perfect relationship without a single argument. We told each other we loved each other, we spent a lot of time together, and there were no ex issues.And when I say we told each other we loved each other, it was more like we had both found someone that had everything we ever wanted. She was GUSHING about me to everyone, and could not get enough of me physically (holding hands, sitting close, etc.), sexually, and time-wise.That was the first four months. Then, over December, she suddenly changed. She still said many of those things, and texted them all the time, but she almost completely stopped initiating sex and physical intimacy.Then, first week of January, she said we needed to spend less time together. But it wasn't a break-up, just a reevaluation. During this time she kept texting that she loved me, and she kept asking me to tell her if my feelings change. But after a week the texts slowed to a halt. And just before two weeks are up, I find out inadvertently that a guy who frequents her bar is staying at her house.That was five days ago. Since then I have confirmed that they are out and about together as if a couple, and I have actually seen them holding hands and kissing. That guy came into the scene about the time she started to change her behavior.So, my particular question here is should I be mad at her and consider it unforgivable that she has started "dating" another guy without even having officially ended our relationship?I have not contacted her in any way since I found out almost a week ago, and I do not intend to talk to her again.If she suddenly decides she made a mistake and tries to come back, how do I deal with the FACT that she could actually have sex with another man just days after saying she loved me AND wanted me to tell her if my feelings change?I obviously am sickened by what has happened. And my mind tells me this would be extremely tough to explain in any way that still leaves room for love.Yet I still truly love this girl, and was not ready to deal with this incredibly sudden and insensitive ending. And I am not the type to get attached, nor the type that has a problem getting dates. I am usually very independent.So I wonder...Can you truly love someone, and yet have sex with someone else? Knowing it will crush them and possibly result in them never trusting you again?
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male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (6 February 2011):
Wheeler is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for your words, I really am taking them to heart.
I am just still in shock, even though I know exactly what I should and will do.
This is the first time I have been with a girl that would use her kids, friends and family, and virtually every significant promise or indication of commitment and love that are available to directly inflict what she knew would be considerable pain, even after I had been to her house with this guy surely asleep in her bed!
And all of this for what reason? It is as if she would put me through a month of hell for a minute of satisfaction.
When we first started dating I told her that the ONLY matter that I was particularly sensitive to was deceit regarding contact with other men or ex's. From the get go I told her this was something I had dealt with severely with the last girl I seriously dated four years earlier.
Yet I was willing to date, and love, her despite the fact she had two kids from two different men that she of course "had to" be in constant contact with. I knew upfront it was going to be a huge challenge for me, but I was willing to do it. And she was SSSOOOOOO in admiration of me for being willing to be with her despite what would obviously always be a struggle for me.
And what was the story with those two men, and her other three ex's? They had all been....abusive and accusatory. She had yet to find a good man.
I know it is over, I don't need to send a letter or have any more contact. It is just such a shock to the system. And to think she spent so much time making me feel guilty and making me think I had issues that were making us not work out!
I will walk away and not look back. And I will do this because I owe it to the girl I have yet to meet that will truly love me.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (6 February 2011):
 No she does not love you. She wouldn't do what she did if she loved you. People like her, honestly I don't know if they are capable of true love. They think they feel it from time to time so they say it. But they don't really mean it. I can explain exactly what happened. She met another guy at the bar one night. She was interested in him and so started to withdraw from you a bit, it's natural when you like someone else. After more and more time around this guy she realized she does like him and you and her should take a break to "think about things". Basically a cop out so she is free to do whatever she wants but you will still be around. At this point she is still talking to you as a back up, a just in case this other guy doesn't work out for whatever reason I still have so and so. There must have been a point in which she realized he would work, she ceased contact with you and began dating him.
You are probably more attached to her at this point because you were so blindsided by it all. It hurts. It's a fucked up thing to do to someone. But you will be glad for it some day. It will help you to move on. I guess my example would be a guy I dated who I thought was perfection personified. We loved each other more than anything, he was everything I wanted. When he left after a stupid fight I thought my life would end. He was just so amazing I could never ever meet anyone like him again, why did he leave?? I even have posts on here about it from 2 years ago, lol. Anyhow, I found out about 2 weeks afterwards, 2 weeks of nonstop crying, that he had lied. About damn near everything. He had made up stories about the stupidest things that never even existed. It was like I never even knew the person and pretty much got over it instantly. And I thanked god for it because who knows if I could've gotten over it otherwise, if he was "perfect". And the fact that she is a heartless cheating bitch will ultimately help you as well. The betrayal you will have to deal with on your own.
Please make sure you do not treat all girls terrible now. Not everyone would do this to you. And a lot of us are guilty of expecting the next partner to be just as awful and we accuse them of such and such or cheat on them to beat them to the punch. Don't let her do that to you! She simply isn't worth it. We all date some shitty ones before we meet the right one. That's what makes the right one so special, and you appreciate them more! Everything happens for a reason. You will find the reason for this too in time. And some break ups take a great deal of time to get over. Keep yourself as busy as possible. It keeps you distracted. Either playing new video games or seeing a new movie or tv series. It gives you something to focus on so your mind isn't constantly on the break up. Hold off on dating anyone else for awhile. You will compare her to your ex and the comfortability and feelings you had at the end, which is unfair to a new person just starting a relationship with you. You will move on and you will be fine. She will end up terrible in one way or another, karma is a bitch and it's the truth. Hopefully she will come begging for you in a month and you can turn her down. It has happened to me. Although it wasn't as exciting because I was over him by the time it happened. It's normal to grieve and still want her back at this point and hope she really did love you. But accept that it's not your fault. And she didn't truly love you the same way you loved her(happens to us all at one time or another). Time heals all wounds. I would reccommend not saying another word to her. You have your closure, she began dating someone else without telling you or ending it officially. So it is over and that's all there is to it. Don't try to date her again either unless you are a glutton for punishment. I wish you the best of luck and feel free to email me if you want to talk anymore.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (6 February 2011):
I agree with Blonde68 but I will make a slight correction:
Yes, some people can love a person and have sex with someone else. As long as the loved one is certainly aware and agrees with that situation.
If the loved person doesn't agree with it and is not aware of this. Then we have a plain cheating case. And the love is not real. Because when you love someone you don't do anything that may hurt him/her on purpose.
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A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Wheeler, why bother wasting time on this? She's garbage if that's what she's doing and you were just a temporary ride. There isn't enough time in the world to understand all the crazies on this earth and their messed up constructs of reality. Let's face it, deep down we're all animals, she had an urge and she did whatever she had to in order to satisfy it. That includes making up a tone of BS and/or making herself believe her stuff don't stink and you all we going to live happily ever after within months of knowing you. This is lower order thinking at its finest. At it's most primal level, she has a hole she wants filled and you were a means to an end until she found something else to fill the holes, literally and figuratively. Concepts of loyalty, communication, and honesty are foreign to her. So just forget about it, there's nothing to rationalize here. If there was a certain viewpoint on life and sexuality then it should have been discussed in advance. Just move on and be more discriminating next time around if that will help you to make sense of and or realize the crazies before you jump in head first. If I had to put down a dating principle in writing, I'd say wait a whole year before engaging in any sexual activity. Chances are you should be able to discriminate 99% of the crazies before giving in to fornicating like rabbits...lol.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68  +, writes (6 February 2011):
The simple answer is NO... you can't have sex with someone else if you are truly love".
When you are in love, all you want is that person.. you don't think of anything BUT that person, and the thought of having sex with anyone other than that person is the last thing on your mind.... And even if you split for whatever reason, if you truly loved that person it takes you a while to heal and move on to rebuild your life.
I am sorry to say, but I sense that this girl you were dating, perhaps thought that she loved you but actually didn't.
Has hard as it will be, I suggest you try and move on from this... go out with friends, take up a hobby... anything, just fill your time so that you aren't thinking about her.
Unfortunately, time is the only healer... but you will get stronger and move on... trust me, I know!
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, snowqueen +, writes (6 February 2011):
She told you she loves you while she was with another person, she basically told you that you are just a spare tire. This girl will cheat again. Every I love you will mean that you're ok for now. Sorry to be harsh. Tell her you're reevaluating her, get space, and then make sure to tell her she didn't quite measure up to your standards. Almost, but not good enough. But you still love her as a friend. Let her feel like crap, and be confused at the same time. Ofcourse then she'll want you like no other, but I hope you won't fall for that and find a girl who values commitment and doesn't treat you like a spare tire.
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A
female
reader, amandab +, writes (6 February 2011):
if you ask me personally i would say no.
some people have a 'back up'....do you know this girls pattern, i am wondering if she has ever been on her own for long. what sort of decent man would take on someone who was in a relationship. some people just like the 'newness' of a relationship and will get bored when that 'newness' wears off and will move on to another relationship.
i dont think you should feel bad i think its more about her and her needs, since she never thought about yours.
hope that helps
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (6 February 2011):
 I've already answered your other question. You should not consider giving this woman another chance. Just get that thought out of your head. This woman does not love you. This woman does not love anyone but herself.
If you were to let her back into your life, she would jump again - as soon as a better offer came her way. She doesn't want men to think she is in a relationship so she can get better tips. Hmmm, that's very telling.
You have not grieved the loss of your relationship with her because she wasn't honest with you. You didn't know it was over when it was over. My dear, it is over. Scream, cry, send her a letter...do what ever you can to get her out of your system.
You must move on. This woman is not worthy of you. You sound like a real nice guy. There is a real nice girl out there looking for you. Find her. She's waiting.
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