A
female
age
36-40,
*aria-consuela
writes:About a week ago, under fairly casual and normal circumstances I accepted a ride home from my college professor. The classes I take are evening classes part time, and he is not employed by the college directly, but began teaching this past September.Previous to this ride, we had been comfortable conversationally, before and after class. We talked a bit about the disintegration of his marital life and his frustration with trying to leave his wife without hurting his kids. I talked about being seperated from my husband and the difficulties that came along with it.During the ride we talked about life - where we went to highschool, friends we had, family life, interests, etc. As we neared my house he missed the turn for my street, but it was an honest mistake. After driving around in circles finally we decided to stop and get a drink. We had a couple, played some music, talked about our lives, flirted, and really hit it off. As we walked to the car he grabbed my hand and we kissed. We drove to my house for a drink and things got a little heated. Very steamy and passionate.Now before you become outraged at his conduct, I am 24 years old, he is 30. It is far from illegal, or even predatory. But now I fear that if anyone finds out about this the marks I've worked hard for (90s) will seem illegitimate. Moreover, I worry that I will begin to care about him, and I do not want to be the other woman or the sex on the side.How do I reconcile my interest in somebody that I am so compatible with, clique with - while maintaining some level of integrity. I know what I've done isn't neccesarily right, and I don't want to hurt anyone. But I would really like to get to know him better, and I don't know how to do it while avoiding catastrophy, avoiding getting hurt, and trying not to become trashy gossip.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Try to keep things under wraps, how long is left to the course because once you leave no authority can stop you seeing each other then, r both of ur marriages truly over? If so then I would make it legal and then the timing for you 2 to be together would be perfect.
A
female
reader, Maria-consuela +, writes (10 October 2010):
Maria-consuela is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for all of the insight and great feedback.
I totally appreciate the stance being taken as far as putting myself in the position of his wife and children. As much as I know that no outside party truly breaks up a marriage, the consenting married party must oblige, I could never meet a family that I had any part in fragmenting.
The more I think about it, the more I know that it is a bad idea to pursue anything further sexually, which has the most potential to backfire, and the most potential to be emotionally wretching. I have to realize that as much as this may feel great and special right now, that in order to be mature and realistic there has to be a waiting period for everything to be sorted out.
It's a tough situation, but reality is tough and I have created this reality.
Thank you again for all of your helpful feedback, and not assuming I'm some desperate, plaid-skirted lolita desperate for attention - living out a stereotype. I am not perfect, and I know I've made mistakes - but I'm trying to do what I can to rectify my wrongs and move forward.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): Put yourself in the position of his poor wife and children!
Theres one thing you never do in life and thats steal another womans man! - "Sisters before misters"
Leave him now! he will do the exact same thing to you in times to come!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): If he's still married and being with you, then he's an adulterer. Is this the kind of man you want in your life?
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Well if you keep seeing him, its an affair. He's a married man. It will become trashy gossip and damage your level of integrity... because it is and it does.
You're a smart girl, you can see that there is trouble ahead if you follow this any further...
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Forget the fact that he is your professor. This is a typical affair on his part but you know better than to steal a man away from his wife, no matter how unhappily married he is. He needs to get a divorce before he can seek a relationship with you. By all means, get to know him, be his friend but ONLY his friend until he sets things right in his life. Marriage is sacred and you must do your part to ensure he still treats it as such until the bitter end. And you can use that time to ensure your marks remain high and you keep working hard until you are both ready for this.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, kih88  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 As a man and woman, you have every right to see each other, but from a moral and ethical standpoint, this situation is very complicated. Its clear you guys have hit it off really well, but for the sake of both his and your professional/academic lives and his family life, I would say definitely back off for a while.
Once your term is over, you should probably avoid taking any more classes with him, and for the time being, do not to spend time together--you'll only run the risk of being found out and a potential scandal sprouting. The last thing you want is to have all the hard work you've put into your classes called into question, or put your professor's job in jeopardy.
Secondly, even if his marriage is deteriorating, he is still presently a married man and until he takes care of his family matters and either leaves or comes to an understanding with his wife, you shouldn't allow yourself to get anymore involved with him. I don't know the exact circumstances of his relationship problems, but if you guys kept seeing each other without him breaking ties, there's a chance you could hurt his wife and child, and for your own safety, you don't want to be seeing a man who can't totally commit to you cuz he hasn't let go of his old commitments.
I think your situation is totally legitimate and aside from the one time thing you did with him, you've done nothing else wrong, but it was good of you to take a pause and evaluate things. As tough as it may be to just put a freeze on things right now, after realizing the potential there could be in a relationship with this man, I think until things sort themselves out, it would be best to keep your distance. Talk to him and explain your position in the matter as to why you're calling a halt, and see how things go. If everything does get worked out and you're no longer directly his student, you may be able to have a relationship--but just for safety's safe, maybe keep it quiet and discreet until you've finished your degree and left the college.
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A
male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 i suspect hes after you for sex.
if thats not what your'e looking for, then tell him before you take things further.
you are not two teenagers looking for a quick fix.
act like adults and talk things over.
if you do enter into a relationship with this guy, keep it real discrete.
good luck.
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A
male
reader, Koolade +, writes (10 October 2010):
 What your said about what you two did as being far from illegal is false. What you two did is called adultery and is against the law. If you want to slow down all you have to do is talk about it, but don't do anything drastic like what you did. This would screw up his relationship with his wife and children. If you really want an intimate relationship with this man just wait for him to leave his wife and children. Don't put that kind of pain on his family if they were to find out.
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