A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my wife recently cheated on me with a guy who lives in a small town about 10 miles away from me, anyway to cut a long story short I found everything out, confronted my wife and then I confronted the guy in question and gave him the mandotary punch on the chin, this seems to be the norm nowadays, anyway my question is i am wanting to name and shame this guy in his local area, so my idea was either to print up some A4 sized sheets of paper with his details along with what he as done and his photograph attached, and then either post them up in his local pubs, and the odd phone box around his area, or just simply put them in stamped addressed envelopes and post them out to his neighbours, friends and work colleagues, as I do know where he lives and works.Does this seem a good idea? But what I am really wanting to find out is if this is legal to do as the last thing I want to do is get myself in any trouble, so if anybody knows of any laws why I can't do this I would be greatful if you could advise me of them. Many thanks.
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cheated on me, neighbour, revenge Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): I think if you do this and you are revealed as the flyer boy, you will end up looking like a complete idiot. first, who really gives a crap that this guy cheated on you with your wife? i mean, really?! like, half the population cheats or has been cheated on. why do you think your case is so special that you should advertise one person's particular mistake? (oh, and don't forget your wife. she cheated too.)get over it some other way. work out your aggression and start boxing or something else. why get so petty? he (and she!!!) already did it. it's over now and he (they) made a mistake. aside from total buffoons, most people won't give a flying f*ck about you, your wife's, and her lover's personal lives...but they will find it amusing that you feel a need to tattle-tale on this guy. it's 5th grade all over again!!!
A
male
reader, Evans  +, writes (5 February 2010):
Look. You must be the happiest man in the world. If I were you, I would buy this dude a car. Simply because he has made you realize that you were staying with a woman who does not love you. Just LAUGH it off. Is she staying with you? Please let her go and she must come out of your life now.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): your wife also cheated so what if he does the same thing to her after you slate him, how would you feel then getting the same treatment, after all she cheated too.
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male
reader, cheated  +, writes (4 February 2010):
l am right with you on how you feel in every way. l was cheated on by my wife and it bloody hurts. even today (2 yrs later) and it still hurts. l was also tempted to hit him and also tell his wife, but what stopped me was children. My children hurt so much with what they heard and saw (arguments etc) so l didnt want his children to go through the same. l did have an intervention order placed against me for harrassing him on the phone several times.
if you are trying to work things there are 2 things that will happen.
1. she will want to forget it and try and move forward quickly.
2. you will have trouble forgetting at all and it is a very slow process for you. but hang in there as there is light at the end of the tunnel, trust me. i have and still am there.
hope this article below helps abit....................
There is nothing more likely to devastate a marriage than infidelity. Many issues can challenge a marriage, but an affair rocks its core values of trust and monogamy. The good news is that infidelity does not have to lead to divorce. With time, honesty, courage and relationship counselling (recommended), couples can emerge through the pain and betrayal stronger than ever. Here, relationship experts give their advice on how to survive infidelity.
Seek professional advice. While friends and family can offer support, a marriage or relationship counsellor can offer you objective and constructive advice.
End the affair. "Severing all contact with the person you've had the affair with is a non-negotiable condition," says Hutchison. It might mean moving home or interstate or finding another job if you work with them.
Get the facts. "If it's not talked about, then it keeps getting talked about," says Hutchison. "If your partner has cheated, you need enough details to know exactly where you stand." Learning all there is to know about the affair, from the start, also means no more painful revelations during the recovery process.
Don't demonise the cheater. "An affair is not usually a reflection of a person's character," says Dawson. "There's a great deal of shame that the cheater feels as well as the person who's been cheated on."
Accept your rollercoaster of emotions. "Allow yourself to grieve because temporarily you've lost a friend and the trust," says Hutchison. But avoid constantly unleashing your pain and fury on your partner or pushing them to rehash details of the affair. It might be warranted at first but, at some point, it becomes unhelpful and damages the relationship further.
Don't rush the healing process. "The cheater and the cheated on operate at two different healing speeds," says Dawson. "The cheater always wants to move ahead faster, mainly because of the guilt they feel, but you can only move at the speed that the wound heals for the one cheated on."
Renew the trust. Trust can take years to restore. Dwelling on the 'what ifs' may be natural, but the only way forward is to rely on your gut feeling that the cheater is now being totally honest and is committed to you. "After an affair, it's important for both parties to focus on 'the now', and not 'the past', for the maximum capacity for love and healing," says Hutchison. "Look at the positives in the relationship, stop fault-finding and start praising,"
Embrace forgiveness. "As a therapist, you know by six months if a couple is going to make it," says Dawson, who recommends giving it two years. "The cheater has to feel remorse and empathy and they have to really respect and care for the other person. The person cheated on has to find that capacity for forgiveness somewhere along the line — not to forget about the affair but, like all trauma, to be able to use it to build a better marriage."
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Whatever happened, happened. And letting it make you an asshole isn't gonna solve anything.Just give a momemntary satisfaction and then torment you because you let yourself become something you don't want to be.Have som fucking dignity, and forgive (and not in a creepy religious way either) the two that hurt you, and move on.Otherwise they'll move on and you;ll still be leeting the past get to you.Flynn 24
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female
reader, jitterbug  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 I'm not sure what the laws are in your country, but here in the states, some states have laws where you can sue an affair partner for "Alienation of Affection"...........
Something to look into.........
I agree with the other posters, you'll only make yourself look bad if you engage in a smear campaign against the OM.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): I know it is painful to be cheated on and if there were not so many people out there willing to sleep with married people the world would be a better place in terms of people getting hurt by affairs etc ... Sometimes people have reasons why they have an affair - they feel trapped in a marriage or neglected and they make a mistake etc etc .. The thing is though, it is ultimately the married person who is playing away, so there is no point blaming it all on him. She might have told him she is unhappy or that you beat her and have affairs etc etc - who knows what she told him! You've given him a smack, so as one of the others said, you got the upper hand there. He messed with a married lady and he got a thwack on the chin man to man! But regarding the poster NOOO NOOO NOOO. Don't do it! It is not a good idea for all of the reasons given by all the other people that answered. It could get you into trouble and affect your credibility and make you come across as spiteful (even though you are not) and then as one of the others pointed out, YOUR behaviour will be remembered instead of the affair of your wife! Maybe it is worth going for marriage guidance counselling? Only you know the state of your marriage and why she did this. Good luck but please don't post those posters! Leave well alone now.
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female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (4 February 2010):
 While I realize the odds of anyone tracing the offensive flyers back to you and being able to prove you sent them, is highly unlikely I think you'd be better off not to pursue your plan of revenge. Defamation of character can land you in a heap of legal trouble. Revenge rarely makes you feel better (maybe momentarily) but then the hours you expend plotting and planning the scheme, and more hours you spend worrying about covering your tracks and not being caught is truly wasted in my opinion. Your best bet is to enter into marital counseling, or simply divorce your wife. Rather than take it out on the guy, you should consider your wife's role in this affair. The guy was merely a pawn. For all you know, he wasn't even aware she was a married woman.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): It sounds like you have done the 'manly' (though I don't advocate it) thing. Now take stock. It is taking you over and you will come across as the better person if you just let it go - the poster idea is psycho. The best revenge you can have is to move on with your life, better it, and be very happy. If you lower yourself to a level like getting public revenge that will be the thing people remember - not the fact your wife cheated.
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (4 February 2010):
Honestly I can completely understand your desire for revenge. You feel betrayed. It's horrible to be cheated on. But as everyone here has said... it is your wife who betrayed you. Not this man.
Who's to say he even knew she was married? Who's to say if you "attack" him, the conflict will stop there? What if your plan works... shames him... and he becomes angry and decides to take it out on you right back? Haven't you suffered enough? do you then really need to be dealing with more fallout?
Two wrongs don't make a right... and while it might feel good to fantasize about revenge, acting on it will only bring you a moments satisfaction, and then instead of shaming him you will simply be ashamed of yourself. They say what goes around comes around. Step back and let karma take care of him.
I agree with BeingBlack... your energy would be better directed towards either fixing your marriage or healing yourself and moving on.
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male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 No, no, no, no. Well done with the punch on the chin, exactly the correct thing to do in the situation, kudos but NO to all the psycho stalker stuff - comes across as very girly and risks severe loss of dignity for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): No don't do it! You could get done for libel & some sort of harrassment. At the moment you hit him (which is assault but unless he called the police at the time &/or has evidence or witnesses it might be hard to prove & he might want to leave well alone considering he WAS actually having an affair with your wife .. 'touche' and all that) so you have the upper hand because he can't really hit you back now as that would be unprovoked and pre-meditated on his part whereas yours was a reaction (depending on how much time lapsed between you finding out and hitting him and what your state of mind was etc). The best revenge is to ignore him now and preserve your own dignity by staying quiet - it seems as though you have made your point. I'm sorry your wife had an affair. I know it hurts like mad :(. I just found out my long term partner is going on a date with someone this weekend & I feel awful but we had been sort of on/off over the last year & we are not married etc .. so it's a bit different I guess. Just carry on looking after yourself and doing what is right for your life, health, sanity & career etc ... If you want to cite adultery in the divorce it might help your case financially depending on how long you have been married etc .. and whether she counters it with some sort of accusation of unreasonable behaviour driving her to have an affair etc etc ... Divorce can be messy and as it is, you have hit him and had your say and he is probably feeling quite crap about it all so quite whilst you are ahead. Putting up posters isn't going to change anything in terms of how you feel long term, it would just be quick fix if you see what I mean and it could get you into trouble. There are all sorts of odd little laws as well, about putting up posters and what we can and can not do in public places. It might be ok to put a poster of a missing cat because it's seen to be in the interests of animal welfare of some such but putting up a poster in the same spot in different circumstances could be classed as harrassment or inciting hatred or abusing public property for matters of libel/revenge ... who knows! Play safe and don't do it. I hope everything gets sorted out properly for you. Take care and all the best! Relationships can be great but sometimes they are just not fun huh!
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 February 2010):
 The majority of aunts/uncles with the cool heads are giving the best advice. Of course its understandable that you want to embarrass the guy, but please think about the results LONG TERM. Further actions could get you in so much trouble. As stated, the guy could bring up charges against you for assault right off the bat, you really don't want to add to that, do you? I know it would feel good to bring him out, but you really could get yourself in alot of trouble. It just isn't worth it in the end. I know you're angry at the guy, but remember..your wife isn't innocent. Why not take your extra energy and throw it into rebuilding your marriage, counselling, or finding yourself a new life? Any of those options seem better than jail, don't they?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Will you be putting up posters of your wife in your home town too? It would seem fair. As you are prepared to shame him....shame her too! I wouldnt bother. Spend the time and money trying to fix things with your wife if youve a mind to x
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (4 February 2010):
Firstly, welldone for slugging him.... People dont understand that when you have been cheated on, you feel humiliated and slugging the other guy is to remind him that you will not have your territory trespassed and also everytime in future he has fond memories of your wife, he is brought back to earth with a great big thud!! Now you have the satisfaction of laughing derisively everytime you remember how he scrambled for cover!!! But dont do it again though; once is enough. Next time he may be ready with his mates or the cops. As for sticking notices, that's not a good idea as he will have evidence in writing to sue you with. In my country you can sue for adultery so why dont you find out if you can do that there? If he tries to counter sue for your punch, tell the judge that you both fought each other so it cancels the other out.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 February 2010):
 No No No! Dont do it! The anonymous female has it spot on - I really hope you listen to her advice so you dont end up in the same situation.
You have already hit him (that could be an assault charge waiting to happen) so dont take it any further than that unless you want to come out of this looking very foolish with a criminal conviction.
Your wife cheated on you - your issue should lie with her. While he was involved, it was her decision to cheat and she pursued the affair when she could have walked away.
Be the bigger person here and keep your dignity in tact. Get on with your life, and let him get on with his life. You wont feel any better when you end up with a criminal record, a reputation for being slightly crazy and to top it all, you still wont have your wife back and the pain from her cheating wont have gone away.
What you are doing is displacing the anger you feel towards your wife for cheating and destroying your marriage onto this other man who is the easy victim.
The only way to feel better and resolve some of these issues you have is to have a long talk with your wife, express your anger to her and your disappointment (obviously not in a physical way or in a threatening manner)
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (4 February 2010):
 I understand the urge to spell it all out in detail, but you may want to try a more subtle approach. If it really is a small town, gossip usually spreads in these places like the plague. I'm sure if you show up at his work, say you are looking for him, and tell just one or two people why, the word will spread. Or just go to a local grocer and tell the check-out girl, go to the pub and tell the bartender. This will be exactly as effective and less likely to get you in trouble (and less likely to make you look like you are over-reacting). Its normal and reasonable to want to vent and shame them. And I think there isn't anything wrong with doing a bit of that, but doing it in print might be too much.
Hope things get better for you soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Don't do this. I did this to my cheating husband and posted them all over Waterloo Station. I was done for harassment and a restraining order was taken out on me. My husband lost his job and so I got very little maintenance. Him and the woman laughed and danced off into the sunset with each other in sunny Guildford. Made a prat of myself and people felt I was crazy. They kind of tolerated me but I knew they were laughing at me behind my back. The best revenge is not to give a toss.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 February 2010):
You can get arrested for harassment and defamation of character. And also, hate to tell you this, but it was your wife who cheated on you, not him.
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male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (4 February 2010):
 You are already in trouble.
If this guy wants to make an issue out of the punch, and goes to the police, you are facing an assault charge.
What will follow is a possible appearance at a magistrates court, but definitely fingerprinting, DNA swabs, and a criminal record for you.
You cannot 'grab' or 'touch' anyone in anger without running this risk.
You should hope he doesn't go to the police.
If you want to carry out the naming and shaming thing, again you run the risk of arrest and fines under the latest 'harassment' laws.
For your own sake, you have to calm down and stop looking for 'revenge'.
All this energy might be better spent on rebuilding your marriage?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (4 February 2010):
 No, not a good idea, have you got kids, no matter, are you and your cheating wife going to try to save the marriage?
What do you think this will acheive, besides giving you a moment to gloat? All of us who have ever been cheated on etc etc think of wonderful ways to get our revenge, but rarely carry it through. And as you are in the UK I would think you could be breaking a law, why not phone a help line and find out?
Oh, and guess what, this other guy, he had sex with your wife, he didnt actually cheat on you, that was your wife's doing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Go ahead and do one for your wife to, after all she is the one who cheated on you.
It's clear the guy hasn't got any respect but it takes two to tango and only one to stop!
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