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writes: I've been thinking about this for a while and I think I finally have my answer. Tell me if you think I'm wrong. (or right? LOL)If a man knows that his porn viewing is hurting his girl, and he continues to do it, doesn't that mean he doesn't love her????? SERIOUSLY.It's not like she's asking him to quit eating or breathing. It's not like she's saying he can't have his x-box or fast car. She's not asking him to change his name or get rid of his 15 year old dog.... she's simply asking that he quit engaging in an activity, that, although he may find it all wonderful and full of yummy feelings, is hurting her deeply and making her feel less than a woman day in and day out... and is NOT REQUIRED. She's asking him to take her feelings and put them above PORN--why is that so difficult???? IF HE LOVES HER, then her feelings count. Regardless of the wonderful "pleasure" of all those sluts, HER FEELINGS SHOULD COME FIRST... IF HE LOVES HER.I mean this sincerely: I love pizza--I could eat pizza 7 days a week and never tire of it. I love coffee, I drink it every day and all throughout the day-it's my drink of choice and I look forward to each cup. I smoke. I wish I didn't, but I enjoy smoking (and I'm addicted).YET, if my boyfriend told me that he was traumatized by pizza and that it really hurt him when I ate pizza because it made him feel horrible because he can't bake pizza the way he knows I like it... or if he said that coffee was the one thing that totally freaked him out... or if he quit smoking and expressed to me that it was hard for him to remain abstinent because of being around my smoking...I WOULD GIVE THEM UP IN A HEARTBEAT for him.I really would, it would not hurt me. I don't require pizza or coffee or cigarettes to live; those are things I desire, I enjoy, I look forward to and think about when I'm planning for breaks, lunch or supper... but they are NOT REQUIRED. HIS FEELINGS mean more to me than my desire for those EXTRAS.BECAUSE I LOVE HIM, I would give up things I enjoy. And I would not resent him asking and I would not make him feel that I made some great sacrifice every day of his life. I would simply show him that his feelings mean more to me than "things" and that would be it.How can any man say he loves a woman and then hurt her, PURPOSELY, over and over and over and over... for something that is NOT REQUIRED?? My answer: he doesn't love her, PERIOD.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry it took so long to get back...Thank you for your replies. I even appreciate the responses of those that accused me of being manipulative. It was a great reminder to me; there are 2 kinds of people---those that assume the best and those that assume the worst. Because I was trying to be succinct, I did not detail my post and I can see where those in the latter category thought I was just trying to be a mean, bad ole girlfriend that only thinks of her own personal pain and couldn't care less about her boyfriend's happiness.IF he had not already said he did not look at porn and IF he had not already heard my story about the two others and why I would not tolerate it and IF he had not lied to me, MAYBE one could say I was selfish and manipulative. My point was that HE GAVE IT UP. When confronted, he came to the realization that, IN THIS relationship (the one with ME as his girlfriend), there could be no porn, he made a decision to stay with me and give up the porn... he did that because he loves me more than he loved porn.
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reader, maverick494  +, writes (4 May 2011):
Why don't we end this discussion on an "Agree to disagree" note. It's all very simple: if you can't convince someone by being sensible, don't bother and let opinions be opinions. I've seen several posters here (I won't name names) in other topics about porn having the same discussion and it always ends the same: undecided. So just stop doing this because the only answer to this question is that people have different opinions and if you can't compromise for both your sakes, it could be a dealbreaker in a relationship.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (3 May 2011):
 People respond extremely differently to masturbation versus masturbation with porn. It's not even so much the masturbation part that leads the brain to believe its having sex, it's the visual part. I think masturbation is normal and healthy so long as it doesn't become compulsive. For instance, many people get into habits of doing it at a certain time of day, or after a certain activity, so regardless of how much sex they are having they feel a need to masturbate, which probably isn't so healthy. But so long as it isn't a habitual or compulsive thing, why not?
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 May 2011):
 I would like to hear what the OP has to say in reference to what Battista asked her. I think that will be the telling response to this situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Whatever the rights or wrongs the OP is upset about her boyfriends behaviour. The real root of the issue is he can't and won't see her pain. The use of porn is not ok here so the issue will never be resolved.
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reader, Battista  +, writes (3 May 2011):
Can the (subconscious) brain tell the different between masturbation with no porn involved and sex? Based on what you have argued person12345 I would think not. Therefore what's your view on masturbation?
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reader, person12345 +, writes (3 May 2011):
It's not about knowing the difference. Of course you consciously know the difference. But physically and subconsciously your brain cannot tell the difference. Maybe it knows something's missing, but even without the feeling of the masturbation just looking at porn causes your brain to think it's physically having sex. That's why you get an erection or a woman gets wet before she even thinks about anything or even if you're looking at something that repulses you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): In all fairness, I think you've gone to a level of transcendence now. You've transcended the physical act itself and turned it into an intellectual event, like reading a book about porn and reading a book about sex. A neuro-scientific study. "Oh baby, that's it, harder, my mirror neurons are firing!" (Sorry hehe)
Trust me, my brain can tell the difference whether that is my hand around my penis or a warm, moist vagina. My brain can tell the difference between no smell and the pungent aroma of the various juices mixing together in the midst of a sexual act. My brain can tell the difference between noises coming out of a speaker and the soft gasps of my partners breath. My brain knows that I'm having sex, by my girls hands stroking my face, it knows from the feeling of her body pressed against mine. My ears know my partners sounds, my body knows her touch, my eyes know it's her, my nose too and I can taste her. I could go on and on but I think you get my point. All 5 of my senses tell me I'm having sex with a real person, are you seriously trying to tell me that my brain thinks that porn is the same thing?
Quote all the neuroscience you want. I know my brain and it definitely knows the difference between the two.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (3 May 2011):
The subconscious part of your brain, you know, the part you have no control over. It cannot tell the difference. There are a lot of studies about why we like porn, and that's basically why. There are many anecdotes and surveys as well to back it up. A lot of people think we are aroused by porn because it puts an idea into our heads and we are aroused by that idea. If that were true when people masturbate with a fantasy and with porn our brains would look exactly the same when we masturbate to each. But when people are aroused by porn a completely different part of the brain lights up, the one that houses mirror neurons. Mirror neurons have several functions, but the relevant one here is that it allows a person to believe what he or she is seeing is happening to him or her personally.
I have the majority of the psychology to back up my claim, other than the fact that you claim porn has no effect on you (which it clearly does based on your extremely over-emotional highly sarcastic hateful responses and the fact that you claim women in porn aren't human, are interchangeable body parts, and you honestly don't care about the woman in it at all) do you have any evidence to back your claim that your brain is somehow different from every other human brain on the planet?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): "Our brains cannot tell the difference between masturbating to porn and having sex with another person."
Oh my god, are you serious? Did you really just say that?
Okay I could give you a million reasons why that is wrong, you're basically saying your brain can't tell the difference between masturbation with porn and real sex. Really? Mine can.
Mine definitely can.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (3 May 2011):
Actually for many couples it doesn't come up until one person discovers it. Usually if it's dicussed it's a quick sort of, "hey let's not watch porn." "OK." There is really no difference between that and "Hey let's start dating exclusively/not see other people/however people say it." It's asking the same thing.
Our brains cannot tell the difference between masturbating to porn and having sex with another person. The fact that they are on the other side of a screen is just splitting hairs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): Nothing will change his behaviour I guarantee it. Forget the porn this is more about his attitude towards your feelings. I see a lot of pain in your future if you decide to stay with him.
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reader, smiliek  +, writes (2 May 2011):
 The difference with cheating and watching porn though person is not many people when they go into a relationship will ask that the other person not cheat on them. I'm sure there are some ppl who would in fact think cheating is normal. And if they were to enter a relationship with someone who knew they would cheat on them, and that person asked that they not, the serial cheater would either think they're being controlled and leave, or lie about it and hide it. Same as so many guys do with porn. To them not being allowed to sleep with someone else while in a relationship would be very controlling. To most people, when you enter a relationship you do so with the knowledge that its exclusive (unless they've talked about some other agreement) I may be different to some women, but to me cheating is vastly different to porn use. They cant even be compared. The topic of whether my hubby would think its ok to cheat has never come up really. I know he wouldn't. He's told me plenty of times that he'd never do anything to hurt me, i'm his life etc. When the topic of porn came up, it was actually his lying/hiding it that was the issue (this was when we were dating) He admitted he only lied as a previous partner who was extremely controlling basically had told him he couldn't look at any other women. Period. He wasn't even allowed to talk to his female friends that he'd known for years and years. He did still look at porn and talk to his friends and just copped hell for it. He did hide some things he did from her just to get a break. Ironically it was her that cheated on him. Perhaps her being a control freak was to cover up the fact that it was her with the issues not him. Hubby has told me that if i ever asked him to give up porn entirely he would. But considering he rarely uses it (once a wk if not less) and the fact that i do not see it as something i wish to control, i never would. Sure if it started to become a problem (him choosing it over me or something) i would bring it up with him. But as something he does for half an hour or less in 168hours (or more) i really dont view that as a problem. And once he realised i wouldn't be controlling like his ex he hasn't lied to me about it. Or anything else. If i couldn't handle his occaisonal porn use, i wouldn't be with him. I'd have moved on and found someone who doesnt use it. I wouldn't expect that i could control or change that part of him as i personally would refuse to change any part of myself for someone else. Compromise sure. But i will not bow down and become someone i'm not to keep someone else happy. Tried it once and never ever again
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reader, person12345 +, writes (2 May 2011):
Yes, asking a partner to stop watching porn is controlling. It's not even a TINY smidgen more controlling than asking that a partner not be sexual with other people (which actually is exactly what porn is except the people are behind glass). Asking your partner not to have kiss other people or have sex with other people is extremely controlling. In the most cynical depressing way and probably not the way anyone should word this ever because it sounds horrible, basically a relationship is all about sexual control. Companionship in exchange for sexual control. The only reason to not have sex with another person is because it makes someone feel bad. The only reason to not kiss another person is because it makes someone feel bad. The only reason to not look at porn is because it makes someone feel bad. All sexual things, all things that make one person feel bad, all but one widely considered cheating. It's all control, but it's all equivalent. There's nothing about porn that makes it different or exempt from any other form of cheating other than men say it is.
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reader, Battista +, writes (2 May 2011):
OP this is a very interesting debate and I can see the arguments on each side.
I just want to ask a question; would you have a problem with your bf masturbating to pictures which weren't pornographic, or just by imagining whatever fantasies he might have.
What I mean is, is it the pornographic material you object to, or your bf's behaviour when viewing it. And if your bf were to masturbate just as much, but not using porn as a stimulus per se, would you find that problematic?
I am just interested in finding out what your motivations are for your dislike of porn; do you feel hurt if your man masturbates independently of you, or only if he masturbates over porn?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): "NEITHER OF THEM ARE REQUIRED TO LIVE" Neither are relationships with someone who tries to force you to live by their standards. I'm a porn user, I'm a smoker, I fart in bed, I have lots of other things you may deem bad habits but if you think something may be a deal breaking problem then you better tell me from the start because there is no way in hell I should nor would change anything just about myself just for you. I would never demand that a girl I was dating change anything about herself to suit me because if I thought something was going to be an issue then I'd say it from the start. I'm not going to try and change a person I'm with, to mold them into the person I think they should be, that's controlling and it doesn't stop there. I have and will again dump any woman that makes such ultimatums and is not willing to compromise, porn is your problem not mine and you better believe I'm not going to give up something I like, have no problem with for a person who isn't willing to meet me half way. I could just do what most other guys do though and say that I will give it up, pretend I have and just hide it better. That's not hard to do and that way I retain some of my control, the girl gets her mind put at ease and everything is fine. I just use an incognito window on my browser and neither the history nor the cache is saved and the girl will never know. I like most men have become exceptionally good at hiding our porn use from the time we did it living with our parents.
You see porn and pizza aren't the issue, it's a simple matter of a domination and control. The women (and men) that demand their partner stop using porn (or anything) just want complete and total control over their partners sexuality. "You're only going to have sexual pleasure in the way that I want you to have have it" I find that it's mainly men that use it and a small amount of women that want those guys to stop. The women always say the same thing, "You don't need it so you will stop if you love me" see? Control and domination, there is no compromise there only demands and ultimatums. "I don't like porn and there's no way in hell I'm even willing to compromise, so you're going to have bow to my demands and my emotional blackmail, because I control you and I own your cock, you're going to do what I allow you to do with it and nothing else."
You see to me a woman that demands that a guy stop using porn is the exact same as a guy that demands a woman stop talking to other men. Yet you'll find very few men or women who think asking a person to stop having friends and contact with people of the opposite gender is not unfair and unreasonable because it is. The exact same reasons can be quoted for this too "You don't need other guys in your life so you'll stop talking to them" "If you loved me you wouldn't be talking to other guys" Everything about it is the same, the reasons the guy wants her to stop talking to men are the same insecure reasons that a woman asks a guy to stop using porn.
They want complete and utter control over that person based on their insecurity.
Now the women that hate porn are going to respond by saying, it's not the same thing and give me loads of different reasons but that then is just another sign of their need for control. "I'm right, you're wrong and because I hate porn then my view is the right one and I won't even consider your position on the subject." That at the end of the day is the attitude of an anti-porn woman, no compromise, ever. Do not for one second consider the mans feelings on the subject at all, because he can't possibly have any good points to make at all, because "I don't like porn and every defence of porn is just completely wrong and not even worth considering, so screw you man, you're going to give it up for me or I'm going to make your life a living hell of emotional blackmail bordering on emotional abuse." "I hate porn and I don't give a shit about any guys feelings on it at all, I'm not even going to consider them, because my feelings on the subject are far more important than theirs." That's what gets to a guy who likes and uses it, porn isn't important to us, but that kind of 'no-compromise, my feelings are more important than yours' attitude makes porn important to us. It makes porn a symbol of a loss of control over our own sexuality based on the demands of a woman, it makes porn an important aspect of our self control. The fact that the woman won't compromise on it makes for a worrying trend, if we give in to that then that woman knows she can use that very same tactic to control other parts of our life, because we ceded to a demand without getting anything in return at all. What do we get in return for stopping? Nothing because at the end of the day, the insecurity and comparison with other women doesn't stop, it won't stop, if we look at another woman for too long then, we're mentally undressing her, if we meet up with a girl friend for lunch and she happens to be more attractive that our partner then that will grow into a problem. Once you give in to a demand by another person, once you give up something like that without any sort of compromise, without any incentive, without any kind of reward at all for doing so, then that's just the start. We then know we are in a relationship with a woman who is very capable of making unreasonable demands any time she likes, on any issue and she can whenever she like refuse to compromise. If that woman can do such a thing, can demand something without caring for that guys feelings on the subject, then that's a bad sign for the rest of the relationship and one I personally am not willing to entertain.
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reader, HappyPlace +, writes (2 May 2011):
 I hate porn and my bf has stopped for me. You see, we both love each other and we want our relationship to work. I made it very clear at the start of our relationship that I hated it with a vengence and he chose not to tell me so I have no qualms about him giving it up now. And that's part of the problem why incompatiable people are getting together it's because the men lie about their porn use! If he had told me up front, then I would not be with him now because I find it repulsive and the whole industry is seedy and not something I want to associate myself with. It's my gut feeling that tells me how unpleasant this stuff is and ladies we have always been told to trust our gut instinct! I have been mentally tortured by the images my partner wanked over and several years later it is still a problem. We had a conversation yesterday where I said what he had done was still a problem for me. I was questioning my love for him and our relationship was suffering. I told him I was going onto this website to try and understand my feelings and that this whole thing was really a problem for me. He's really upset that I am still troubled and assured me that he can't even remember the last time he looked. In fact, we got a virus on our old pc and lost a lot of very sentimental photographs etc so the history on our current pc is not removed and is there for everyone to see; no sneaking around and deleting stuff. We went to a car boot sale yesterday and there was a jokey remote control for controlling men, which he was going to buy me. I said I was not trying to control him and he said "I know you're not, but if it helps your troubled mind then great"!! I don't want to be a control freak, I want us to have the best loving relationship we can possibly have with true intimacy. I do not see where him wanking over other women can possibly help that intimacy. Does he imagine friends of mine naked - quite possibly. I don't claim to know the male mind and how it works. Plus we have a friend that comes round quite often who always wears a low cut top so he gets ample chance to see someone else's goodies. I think what I am trying to say is that I want a love that is pure and gives me the security I need. If porn is involved then I really don't have that. Finally, my initial memories of porn are not good. I recall my brother and his friends looking at a porn magazine nearly 30 years ago when I was just a young girl. Despite me being pre-pubescent, my brother's friends wanted to touch my breasts and I let them, too young to understand why or to stop them. Perhaps that is why I have a hatred of it!!!!!
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reader, smiliek +, writes (2 May 2011):
it could also be put that a woman who demands her bf to give up porn doesnt true love him. After all if she did, she wouldn't want to change him. You fall in love with someone for exactly who they are. Whats to say you'll love that person if they change for you? Telling someone to give up something just because your ideals are different is controlling. No relationship should be about who's in control. It should be based on compromise and respect. If you tell someone to stop doing something just because you don't like It, you're telling that person that you don't accept them. Which means you don't like who they are, and you expect them to change for you. My question would be why you're with that person in the first place? Noone should have to change for someone else. Thats my opinion on anything, unless it is an addiction. Simply put, i won't be with anyone with an addiction. I'm married now so it doesnt matter, but i once dated a man who was a smoker and as i later found out addicted to sleeping pills and anti depressants. When i first found out about the drugs i tried to help him stop but he wouldn't. He also wouldn't stop smoking (although he said he wanted to) He was heavily addicted to both. I left him as not only did i not agree with his choices, he was controlling and to an extent abusive. Once i realised it was pointless trying to change him i realised i was only hurting myself by staying in that relationship i left. It was the best thing i ever did. If you can't accept your partner for who they are (minus addiction problems) then perhaps they simply aren't the right person for you.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 May 2011):
 I want to add one more thing. I see it as very likely that a guy who loves his woman would stop watching porn for her sake. Because when a man loves a woman....
When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothing else
He'll trade the world
For the good thing he's found
If she's bad he can't see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he put her down
When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Tryin' to hold on to what he needs
He'd give up all his comfort
Sleep out in the rain
If she said that's the way it ought to be
I thought I'd copy and paste those lyrics as they describe this all too well. Yes a man who loves his woman I imagine, surely, will give up porn for her, and all his friends, abandon his family even if she asked him to.
But is it the right thing for the woman to ask these things? No. It is abuse of the trust the man has in you. And if you abuse his trust, and abuse his faith in you, you will loose the relationship. Don't push your fortune, if the man loves you, do not test him to see how far you can stretch it. It will make him miserable and in the end he will resent you.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (2 May 2011):
Im with CindyCares all the way in this question. The "if you love me you would" game is not only childish, it is also manipulative and destructive, and if you play that game you are bound to loose your relationship.
The dealbreaker process needs to be determined before a relationship is formed. I don't like cigarettes, I wouldn't want to date a smoker. Simple as pie. You don't like men with blond hair? Don't go out with one only to try and make him dye it!
Should a man give up porn to satisfy his woman? Should a woman give up porn to satisfy her man? Absolutely not, not unless there is a darn good reason behind it, and well argued, that BOTH parties agree on. Or else it is just another thing added to the "yes dear" submissive state. Men aren't dogs, your partner is not your submissive, He is your equal, and by that you should respect him, his body, his wishes, as much as he respects yours. A relationship is not a battle of "who gets most hurt and gets their way".
If porn damages you, find a man who agrees and doesn't watch it. Or work on your self esteem. May I ask what do you think of when you masturbate? Nothing at all? Because whatever it is that you think of.. is in effect.. your sexual stimuli. Just like porn is a sexual stimuli.
There's a thing called compromise thought that few seem to remember. That means if he watches so much porn it damages you, and you weren't aware of this effect it would have on you as you entered the relationship, compromise. Maybe he can watch less, or he can watch it only when he is alone at home and you are not nearby.
I think that only if he is unwilling to compromise should this be a topic of concern.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should have clarified this up front:I confronted him (over a year ago) about his porn use and he has not looked at it since. He DOES love me and he doesn't want to hurt me. His relationship with me means more to him than his fascination with porn. He wants me to be the best I can be; he wants me to feel like a beautiful, sensuous and desirable woman. He doesn't want me feeling less-than. He doesn't want me always wondering if I am enough for him. HE LOVES ME.He was not an addict. I am grateful for that because, had he been, I believe we would not be together right now. I know addiction is another whole situation entirely. I love him enough that I would have tried to stay in the relationship and I would have tried to be strong in myself while he struggled, but, eventually, I know that I would not have lasted had he kept lying and going back to it. Just as he would not have lasted had I lied to him about something and kept lying and lying.And, I stand by my original thought that pizza and porn can be compared because NEITHER OF THEM ARE REQUIRED TO LIVE. Neither of them are worth hurting someone over. Neither of them are more important than the feelings of someone you love.
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reader, Orbiter +, writes (1 May 2011):
It depends on the people involved so there is no right or wrong answer to this sort of issue. Some women have no problem with and enjoy porn, on the other end of the scale there are women like you to whom it is very hurtful. I can't tell you your feelings are invalid or wrong, no one can, even if they don't understand why it bothers you so much. If you have told your partner how much this bothers you and he still won't give it up then you only have 2 options - leave him or put up with it.Although I will add it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you. It could be that he doesn't understand the extent to which it bothers you or he is trying to have his cake and eat it too - e.g he knows you don't like it but doesn't think you're going to leave him over it so he gets both things he wants.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): My answer: he doesn't love her, PERIODSooo...why are you still there? If he's betraying your values, it's up to you to change, not him. Either leave or accept him because what you see is what you get with a man. Then live with your decision. Selecting men who you require to "change" in order to feel loved is a recipe for failure. He's not asking you to give up anything because he accepts you as you are and doesn't need you to change to prove your love or bolster his worth. You speak of love in terms of what you give up for the other person, not respect and acceptance. Your man looks at porn and doesn't intend to change so stop trying to guilt trip and strong arm him into change..it never works. What you see is what you get so stop trying to live in "what could be" in your relationship because that relationship does not exist nor will it. If you cannot live out a future this man for who he is NOW and all his flaws, then do something about it and get out. If you decide you can live out a future with a man who uses porn, then that is a flaw of his that comes with the package and you'll have to stop complaining about not feeling loved based on his flaws. He is what he is.
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reader, MyButtHurts +, writes (1 May 2011):
What's wrong with porn? Why does his viewing it bother you. I think you are overreacting.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (1 May 2011):
Porn and pizza really aren't comparable (nor are mushrooms and porn). Most people have their first sexual experience with it. People also release bonding chemicals when they use it. Some people actually fall in love with porn. Any regular user who thinks he or she doesn't have some emotional attachment to porn is kidding himself. He may even want to give it up for you, but it's a very strong habit. I bet he's been doing it since he was a teen. He's emotionally attached to it, it's a very long-standing habit for him, and he probably can't fathom the idea of stopping now.I'm as anti-pornography as they come. I think it's harmful to just about everyone and am dumbfounded as to how people can still insist women need to get over it because it's harmless when it is a major factor in over 50% of all divorces now. However, I don't kid myself for a second to think it's easy for a guy to give it up. Even the men who aren't clinically addicted display a lot of the traits of an addict.Rage when confronted, inability to consider the idea that it's bad, preference to continue to use porn despite watching his personal relationships crumble, again serious anger when told their habit could be harmful.But men are taught that porn is their right, it's normal, and all men do it and they should never have to give it up for a woman. So they don't. Counseling is always a good way to go for this, a lot of couples counselors now say this is their main subject. If that's not an option for you, I like to recommend The Porn Trap. It's pretty much the closest you can get to counseling in a book for this. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): There will be no compromise here I guarantee it. He wants to masturbate to porn and he won't stop for anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): The same can be said the other way around OP, if you loved him you wouldn't deprive him of something that makes him happy and enriches his life. Why should he put your feelings above his in this issue, if you're not willing to do the same thing. Compromise OP, it's either compromise or leave.
You can't quote pizza and coffee, he doesn't hate them pretty much no one has as passionate a hatred of those things as they do porn, so they don't compare.
I hate mushrooms, I think they should banned because they're vile disgusting things, but my girlfriend loves them. I'm not going to force her to stop, or emotionally blackmail her about it because she ate mushrooms before she met me, she likes them, she wants to eat them then it's up to me to get over that and let her have that. I actually feel physically ill when I see her eat them, what does she do? She slowly raises the mushroom to her mouth, smiles at me, likes it all over says "mmmmmmh, sexy mushrooms" and we both get a laugh about that.
You see the counter argument to yours is that woman couldn't possibly love that guy, if she wants him to change so much, if she wants to control him, how can you love someone if you want to deprive them of something they like and you're not willing to compromise? She doesn't like something he does, she's not willing to even try and change her view about it, he either has to stop or he doesn't "love" her. Do you really think that kind of illogical emotional blackmail is the kind of thing that works on guys?
No, it makes guys like that want to do it even more. Female anon hit the nail right on the head. It is down to the kind of person you are, she met her boyfriend, she told him how hurt porn use made her feel and he agreed to stop. He's that kind of guy, she made it clear to him early and he decided on his own to stop. There was no argument, no hassle he just did because he's that kind of guy. If he didn't she wouldn't be with him and she'd probably have moved on to another that either doesn't use it or will stop. Now if female anon didn't make that clear to him from the start or if she did and he said he wasn't going to stop and she stayed with anyway, the who's fault would that be? It would be her own fault for staying with a guy who does something which she hates.
You don't like porn, that's fine OP, there's nothing wrong with that, there's nothing wrong with feeling hurt about porn use either. But you have to ensure you don't get with a guy like that then, it's as simple as that. Where the problem lies is when a woman doesn't make that clear or she tolerates it hoping he'll stop and then starts making demands. How does that make sense?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): I think it boils down to the type of person you are. My boyfriend was shocked at how much porn hurt me with my ex and gave it up happily. I would give something up if it hurt him. We are talking reasonable requests here. For some men that's not reasonable. If something hurts you are not wring or unreasonable to feel that way. Some women enjoy porn and others tolerate it. I am not one of those women and it sounds like you are similar. Pleaded don't feel bad about this if that you are being unreasonable. Try and sit down and talk this through and hopefully he will understand how much his actions hurt. Let ta know how it goes.
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reader, PM  +, writes (1 May 2011):
 Love and compromise are not the same thing.
For some people, love means a willingness to change some small parts of themselves (and in some extreme situations, many large parts of themselves) for the happiness of the other person.
For others, love has no such meaning.
Just because he's not willing to change himself to be with you, doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just doesn't mean that he thinks changing parts of who he is is part of the act of loving you. You may think it is, but that doesn't mean he does. He can love you and also not want to change. It's not a matter of not loving you enough, it's a matter of not having the same definition of what love is.
For many people, while a relationship exists, they see no reason to change. The old adage of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" sums up that attitude pretty readily. They see the relationship as being fine because it's still there and seemingly working. If you want to get your point across, you need to tell him just how he's "breaking" the relationship with his porn viewing. Is he hurting you enough for you to leave him? For you to want to spend much less time with him? Whatever it is, let him know. If he doesn't clue in at that point, then the two of you may simply not be compatible.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2011):
 Uhm. This is a difficult one. Because instinctively I am inclined to say, sure you are right. He does not NEED porn, he can live a happy ,healthy , fun life even without it- you don't like it, it hurts you, it grosses you out , so of course, he should stop watching it, and if he can't do this sacrifice for you, then he does not love you.
But... is love really about sacrifices ? Or is it about respecting your partner's choices. Yours it's a slippery slope , and the " if you loved me , you do'd do x, y and z for me " is a dangerous game, where do you draw the line ?
I, for instance, am capable of love and devotion as the woman next door- and maybe a tad more. But, differently from you, would not give up pizza or coffee or cigarettes ( when I smoked )to show devotion to my partner. Because
I would question first of all both his need and his right to ask me for proofs of devotion based on my personal tastes and preferences. If he met me as an openly pizza eating, coffee drinking and cigarette smoking woman, and I was good enough regardless, why now he wants to change me ? My line of thinking is : if coffee or pizza or whatnot is really a dealbreaker , then don't even go near me, I am not the right person for you. If it's not a total dealbreaker, and you can ,even just barely, tolerate it- then tolerate it ! Nobody is perfect, and the guy is not God that has to make me to his own image and resemblance .
For instance, I had a boyfriend who hated make up and liked the " girl next door " look. The problem is, I am NOT the girl next door. I wear ( very tasteful ) make up everywhere since when I was 13, I gave up wearing jeans when I finished high school, I only wear sneakers at the gym, I applied my nail polish even while I was in labour.
A rather "polished " look, you may dislike it, but it's my look, what I like, what I chose, what I want.
I must say that he gave up soon his attempts to turn me into a scrub faced girl next door because he was an intelligent guy and he got my point : the selection, and the assessment of dealbreakers, must happen BEFORE the choice of mate. When the choice is done, the best proof of love is to live and let live. Don't try to turn a meat eater into a vegetarian, a smoker into a non smoker, a shy ,reclusive type into a social butterfly etc. etc.
Now , actually the examples we have used are not very fitting, because my make up was not really HURTING my bf, same as your hypotetical pizza eating would not be hurting a pizza hating boyfriend.
Instead, your partner use of porn really bothers you , in fact HURTS you.
Now, we have another question here : is this hurt warranted ? Do you have grounds to really feel hurt , SHOULD you feel hurt ?....
But that's all another story, I suspect the jury is still very out and very divided about that.
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