A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Know that i am a teenager in high school. So I like the way I dress. I basically wear jeans and a baggy shirt because they are comfortable. I enjoy this, but my mom is now FORCING me to wear dresses and skirts. She says that I walk like a man. Now my whole life has been in her control. I do everything she wants me to do, and I mean everything. For instance when my aunt was getting married and my mom was supposed to set it up and stuff. Guess who had to do everything? My brother is completely lazy so I have to take care of my five siblings by myself while my mom and dad work. I am working hard and school and have to sacrifice a social life to help out at home. So all I want is to be able to dress the way that I want. Is that so wrong? When I try to explain that she isn't allowing me to be myself and that she is lowering my self esteem she just yells at me and the says that the conversation is over. Now it may not seem like a big deal to you But my dressing style is all I have that is mine. How do I get her to back off without getting into an argument and her understanding how I feel or is that even possible?
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female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (1 May 2011):
 When you do find a quiet moment to talk to your mom about how you feel about this, try and find out what the real issue is with her. Because it sounds like you used to be able to wear what you wanted to and now all of a sudden it's a problem.
Maybe someone made a comment to her they shouldn't have that set her off. Like, what's with your daughter she dresses like a lesbian all the time. Not true of course.
But her sudden interest in your wardobe had to come from somewhere and I think it would help you deal with her better if you knew where it was coming from.
The fact that you are becoming a young woman may have something to do with it as well. Maybe she is just worried that you will have a hard time getting a date if you dress like "a boy" all the time. Mother can be old fashioned with their crazy notions sometimes.
I am not saying any of the above ideas are true or right, I am just saying that you should find out exactly what your mothers issue is, if you want to change it.
Good luck! And please write back if nothing works.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (1 May 2011):
 This is the worst. I had this problem around your age too, I had a couple of punk type items (basically, a studded bracelet my elementary school aged sister gave me from a birthday party) and she kept calling me a dominatrix and how I was really into S&M, it was completely inappropriate and uncalled for. She never 'made' me change my outfits, but her disapproval did mess with my self-esteem and self-expression.
You can try one more time to get her at a moment where she's completely not preoccupied with anything, and perhaps more willing to listen and be sympathetic to what you're saying, but otherwise, as hard as it is, you might have to ignore her requests. you are becoming an adult, and you are allowed to make adult decisions like what to wear.
The main stereotype of teenagers is that it's an awkward time, they like to push boundaries, etc., but honestly, I think it happens both ways. Parents get confused where the line is anymore, how they can treat their 'children' and so there are these points where arbitrary exercises of authority and parental power are foisted on you out of the blue. I think it has to do with seeing how really grown up you're becoming that they kind of freak out and try to keep you as their baby, you know what I mean? It's a scary time for them. This doesn't excuse but might explain the behavior to you, and if you know this, then maybe you'll be able to feel more comfortable beating to your own drum instead of someone trying to assert control where it no longer really belongs. As much as she's driving you crazy, try not to throw a hissy fit. Remaining calm and confident about what you want to wear as the outfit represents fundamentally who you are and there's no changing it, will ultimately show your mother that she's being the unreasonable childish one. she'll realize she's hitting her head against a brick wall and probably channel her energies elsewhere. hope that helps!
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (1 May 2011):
 You are not going to change her, or the way she is.Suggestion: pack what clothes YOU want to wear into your school bag, wear what SHE wants you to wear to school and change into yours at school.Don't forget to change back before you go home!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): How exactly is she forcing you, and what happens if you don't listen to her? It doesn't sound like she will easily understand how you feel, because she's probably overwhelmed with her own issues (6 kids... that's tough!) Tell her you'll wear skirts when the occasion calls for it but on normal days you are much more comfortable in jeans and baggy shirts especially if you have to do stuff around the house (which it sounds like, if you're taking care of 5 siblings--hard work for you!) and to please respect that. Perhaps next time she brings it up again tell her gently but firmly that you don't want to discuss that issue right now. (I never actually tried that at your age so I don't know how well that will work.)It's ok to want and have things for yourself. You shouldn't have to become like a second mother in the house, which it sounds like your mother is expecting you to be. You probably have to continue your obligations for a few more years, but please remember that you are an individual with your own identity and preferences and that's how it should be--don't let your mother "guilt" you into anything or lower your self-esteem. Just because she lacks empathy for her daughter does not mean you are anything less than a wonderful, whole person. Don't try to change her, either, as trying will only bring more frustration and disappointment.Do you have any more sympathetic relatives or trusted older friends you can talk to? It helps to have support from outside your immediate family. Don't feel guilty about telling them how you really feel.
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A
female
reader, Cutter  +, writes (1 May 2011):
Sounds a bit like my mum back in the day. Ignore her, she can't physically make you wear anything. She'll get over it in a few years, she has to learn the hard way that she is not your boss.
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