A
female
age
36-40,
*olddigger99
writes:My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and he is a deployed contractor. Everything was going fine from what I can tell, but then I read one of his emails from his phone that he left behind asking if he "hooked up w/ the chick" he was speaking to a few weeks earlier--when he was in Dubai on business. After I asked him about it, he got defensive and angry and it became a larger issue. However, this isn't the first time that this has happened. While we were dating, a similar issue came up but was never really resolved. I ended up brushing it aside because we were not married at the time. And just for the record, he denied anything happened on both occasions.After seeking the advise of some friends, I ended up hacking into his facebook account and one of his e-mail accounts to see if there was anything going on in there. I found several things that bothered me. The first thing that raised a "red" flag was the fact that he was asking a friend about how to go about a divorce, several months after we were married. When I asked him about this, he simply said that he got a bit ahead of himself during a previous argument we had--one which he could not remember.The second thing that raised a flag was a conversation he had with a fellow contractor about some "hunnies" in Dubai. That they were fine and that his buddy needed to try them out and for him not to worry because they "love American Men". That they're "worth the trip". When I asked him about this conversation, his reasoning is that he's a guy and he was just bragging to make himself look good to his single friend. The e-mail never said that he slept with them, it just implied he did. This, according to him, was OK.The third thing that raised a flag was a message sent to a friend of his saying that after his vacation state side, he was going to be in Dubai until the 2nd, when in fact, he told me he would be there until the 31st. This date change ended up leaving him in Dubai over New Years. I did know he was in Dubai until the 2nd, but unlike his friend, I found out on the 31st, when supposedly he "missed his flight." And for those of you who don't know, Dubai is one of the only Arab countries that allows drinking and clubbing, with no limit on dress wear. So if he was cheating on me, this would be the time and the place to do it. I'm not sure if he is having an affair because he has recently asked me to have his child and up until a few days ago, we were trying to do just that. I am also in charge of the finances, so it's not like there's money being spent that I don't know about either. But my gut tells me not to trust him anymore. I know they say that the first few years of marriage are the toughest, but I'm doing everything that I can to stay loyal to both him and myself. I guess my question to you is...Am I CRAZY? Is he cheating or am I just letting his male stupidness get to me? I have no definitive proof that he has cheated on me, so am I crazy to believe that he can do it? The distance strains our marriage much more than a regular relationship, but is this part of the strain? Or is this the real deal? HELP!
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affair, cheated on me, clubbing, divorce, facebook, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): as a female who has also gone into my hubs FB page and found msgs of an inappropriate nature between him and another female. i say this to you. Confront him, For Real, you may not have the concrete proof that you need but you have a suspicion and too many signs to just brush it off. your trust in him has been compromised and you are only one year into your marriage. If you dont handle your trust issue now you will be divorced bcuz that trust issue is going to spill into every aspect of your relationship with him. And you will begin to doubt everything he says. so ask him straight up if hes cheating on you. hell if your finances permit, take yourself a little trip to Dubai leave the day after he does let him get comfy then pop up on his ass during his leisure time if hes doing dirt he wont try to hide it cuz you're not supposed to be there. so you'll find out all you need to kno. But you should get it out and have a real conversation about it and don't let his anger or his rebuttals stop you from clearing up your doubts. Knowing the truth from now is the best that way you can make the proper decision for yourself, your future, and your future children's future.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 January 2011):
 So, why the lies about missing a flight when it was planned ahead of time? Can't you see why there would be a lack of trust when such lies are used?
Sorry OP, I addressed this to your husband since he posted a reply.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): 1st off people I would like to say thank you for giving my wife this advice but I did not cheat on her. Why dont you tell the whole story I gave you my passwords in trust there was no secrets in this marriage I also told you about my past. How come you didnt tell them I wanted you to live in kuwait with me and I wanted a baby before we got married and yes I did tell my buddy the girls I seen were fine but that doesn't mean I had sex with them. Plus I dont pay for sex I ain't a old lonely man that goes on sex trips but I will admit I am a drunk I love to drink. Plus I talk to you the whole time I am there.
All I got to say is that I love you and I did not cheat on you. Believe me or not but I told you the truth but I do like you post keep making me the bad guy I like being the bad guy.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (17 January 2011):
I agree with the all of the posters who replied. Just one more piece of advice -- be very careful about "hacking" into your spouse's email account. I believe it is a violation of federal law. And, it is illegal in some states. Just make sure you don't find yourself on the opposite side of the law on this. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, golddigger99 +, writes (15 January 2011):
golddigger99 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you to all who have replied to my question. I am a mess of sorts at this moment, trying to hold on to both my marriage and my reality. Unfortunately with no definitive proof, I don't think that I would be able to leave him and live with the "what if". I'm not sure what action I will take at this moment, but you guys have given me the strength that I need to reevaluate my relationship. Thank you once again for your advise and I will keep you posted.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (15 January 2011):
 You have a problem. At the very least he is flirting, checking out, talking to, wanting to have sex with other women.
However, it sounds like he's already had sex with a prostitute or two. No big deal to him as he doesn't have feelings for them or what not.
It also sounds like he's got a good ability to manipulate you so you do brush things aside as you don't have 100% evidence.
I personally would be walking away even at the suspicion that something happened. I couldn't be in a relationship where I couldn't trust him. Don't make a baby with him, he wants his cake and eat it too. The baby will keep you busy and off his tail.
If you are choosing to stay, you need to keep quiet about having his passwords and keep looking. Eventually you will find something out. In the mean time wear condoms and tell him you don't want to get pregnant.
hugs!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Dear Poster.
First thing is first. Though perfectly understandable you were wrong to hack into your husbands facebook. ( I am a male too by the way but don't hold that against me). The white elephant in the room so to speak and the question you should be asking yourself is this. Without concrete evidence do you consider this kind of behaviour a big enough violation of your trust to warrent a divorce because let's face it these are not traits exhibited by a devoted spouse and no man is silly enough to incur the wrath of his significant other to impress his friends.
Now the early divorce comment written in his facebook should really raise some alarm bells for you because it would take for any man who took his marrige seriously something much bigger than an argument he can't remember to warrent going to those lenghts, if an argument is all it takes for him to consider divorce then pardon me for saying but he has little respect for you and your marrige.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (15 January 2011):
 From the sounds of it, this guy is not on the up and up. While you didn't catch him red-handed, it sounds like he's been having a good time at your expensive with other women around the world.
From your past history and the way things are going, I'd be extremely leery about having his child. In doing so, you may unwittingly become a single mom in short order.
In short, I think you have some serious trust issues to work out. It sort of sounds like you married a frat boy, rather than a man looking to settle down. At this point, I'd proceed cautiously and keep an eye on him.
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A
male
reader, BigSambo +, writes (15 January 2011):
Have you been to Dubai yourself?
I fly to Dubai once every 6 months or so and I can tell you that it is easy to get a girl there, they come to hotel lobbies and sit, flirt and wait until they get picked up. There are too many beautiful Russian, European, Arab and Oriental girls that go there to make money by selling their bodies. they charge alot of money but it is an easy and profitable way to get laid and make money.
I personally know people who are married and go there to look for girls. So I am not sure that your husband is cheating but if I were you I would get a test done and make sure that you do not have an STD.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 It always amazes me, these men with high flying jobs, they always find time for some other activities in their lives. If only their managers realized that this can destroy marriages. It's obvious to me that yes, he is cheating, playing the field, and has friends in tow (possibly single), all encouraging each other. He may want you to have a baby now to hold you back and keep you off his whilst he pursues his other interests. You did right to Hack in to the FB. You shouldnt have had to do that if he wasnt hiding something, he would have not minded sharing the p/words. Marriage is no secrets, sharing and responsibility for your spouse's wellbeing. All these things that you are been cheated of. The only thing you will probably get off him at this rate will be an STD. He is not worthy of you, don't give him his baby at this point unless you think y ou can sort him out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Oh this must be terrible, you sort of have proof but not enough to know for sure. You need to STOP trying for a baby. You need to keep spying on him, if he is/has cheated then he will slip up and you will find something.
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 You have every right to not trust this fool when he is being lulled into women whose only interest is the money in his wallet from those countries the lying and deceitful behaviour should be signs not to give this tool a child when he can't even stay faithful in a marriage.
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