A
female
age
41-50,
*wydion
writes:I'm 35 and friends with a 53 yr old guy who's married. We're really good friends, we completely trust and confide in each other, on the same wavelength etc. but we're strictly friends. Or were. Now I feel there's a slight tension between us. I will admit to a slight attraction but nothing that cannot be put on a backburner for the sake of this friendship. However I feel he's also starting to develop an attraction.Is it possible for us to just carry on as before and pretend nothing is happening? I don't think bringing this up in conversation would be a smart move, since i don't know if he feels that the dynamics has changed as well or would even want to discuss it. I think it best not to confront this situation as somethings are truly better left unsaid. And it's not as though a relationship is possible. And I don't want to hurt him unintentionally either. He's been an absolute brick in supporting me when I moved to his country.I've never been in such a situation and would welcome any help! Thanks!(The only odd thing is he never talks about his wife much to me, though i have asked several times. I never had a chance to meet her but I do know she runs the household. I've often said to him he's a lucky guy but he just makes some noncommittal reply.) Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, No watered down advice here!  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 I feel people go MUST in certain situations “Pretend as if nothing is happening” in order for nothing to happen! We know when that “Tension” is there and what it means, and it can be very uncomfortable. Nevertheless, the circumstances surrounding the tension are more important if things are better left “UNSAID” some things speak for themselves. #RES IPSA LOQUITUR! Latin for “The thing speaks for itself!!! The heart, never LIE! I always search within my heart for my answers and that “Tension”, that’s keeping the two of you from talking about something that in a normal situation is saying MORE than words, can ever say! Have you ever asked yourself why he never introduced his wife to you, even after you suggested that he do so? Well, because; why would he, when he had an attraction for you all alone! Leave well enough alone. He's already "SPOKEN FOR" ijs!
A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (15 January 2011):
Ahhh...the old "platonic relationship" dilemma. How do men and women get close without getting close? My view on the subject, having some experience in the area, is that it is nigh impossible and people get hurt when that reality comes home to roost. Men and women are attracted to each other, plain and simple. One or the other (or both) involved in the opposite sex "friendship" are getting involved emotionally (usually without even realizing it's happening). That is why it's risky for married individuals to get too close to members of the opposite sex. Based upon your description, your friend is most likely crushing on you. What now? I wouldn't vocalize your concerns at this point. I would, however, try to minimize any "alone time" with him. If you do see him, do so when others are around. Avoid like the plague exclusive lunch dates etc. That sort of interaction will only add fuel to the fire. Remember, he is married. To that end, he would be better served by reducing his time with you and increasing it with his wife -- who really should be his best friend. It's tough because he will sense your "pull away" and he may be hurt. But, that's not so much on you as it is on him for allowing himself to get emotionally involved with you while in a committed relationship. Your friend obviously has issues with his marriage that need attending. Don't wind up being his excuse for not doing so. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mio  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 hi Gwydion, hello Abella
well, its very hard for us to remain cool or control over one man if we do trust and have faith in that person. well, i think u could just try to cool down that infatuation by having less chat (for ex: u now chat once a day then reduce it to once per 2 days and try to prolong the time until u feel ur heart safe with that feelings)
and ofcourse always remind urself why u shoudldnt have a forward step with the relationship by listing reason into a stick-note and glue it on ur comp or table near the place u chat, it help u recall ur logic over emotion. :)
dont try to hide or pretend, the more u do it the more u get urself deep into trouble.and take Abelle advice too, i think she does have a good way :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 January 2011):
 it's very good that he's been helpful. But you know that all you have will be ruined if this relationship changes to something more than friendship.
It is you who will have to have the strength to desist any escalation of the frisson of sexual tension and emotion.
You are no doubt his calm harbor, his happy diversion, from everything in his life.
In the end he will admire your strength, for being the lady, willing to be his friend and listen to him, or ask his advice. Share talking time. But if a touch or a look borders on more than friendship, politely
choose to not accept the offer. And remind him how important the friendship is to you as a friend, not more.
If you are skillful at developing friendship he will talk to you about all manner of things, as good friends do, without disrupting the friendship.
Remain as respectful as possible, and treat every meeting as if his wife was present and part of the conversation.
Not by mentioning her, but as a means to reminding you that any friendship that edges closer towards an illicit relationship invariably ends in tears, once it steps over the mark.
You have a very good friend, best keep it that way.
...............................
|
