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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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Why did my boyfriend feel guilty after his ex left, even though she was the one who cheated?
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Odds? He didn't check in to this thread, at least not yet...
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It may help with the swallowing thing.
As for the gag reflex, there are different sprays that can help with it until you adjust... (read in full...)
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You might want to say to her something along th... (read in full...)
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A. 26 April 2011: Honestly, if his friends have said something to him too and he's dismissing them, it's a problem. I doubt he's that blind or stupid, so that means something is up between them. It may not be physical, but it's definitely more than a simple ... (read in full...)
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A. 26 April 2011: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/oral-sex-can-be-a-sharing-experience-.html
That's a good article to start with. It shows how good some women feel about oral sex and giving it to their partner. Of course, some of it would need to be built up... (read in full...)
Why did my boyfriend feel guilty after his ex left, even though she was the one who cheated?
Q. My partner said he felt guilty after he left his ex even though she was the one who cheated. He said when he found out, he left her but spent months afterwards feeling guilty and as if he had 'not acted like a man'. What does this mean? ...
A. 26 April 2011: He's regretting things he didn't do. Perhaps it's telling her off, or beating up the guy she cheated with, or maybe he's feeling like he drove her to cheat in some way. Whatever the case, it's in his head, but until he fully addresses it and comes ... (read in full...)
He wont holiday with me through fear of upsetting his kids, is this weird? What do you think?
Q. hi it's me again...well this Easter holiday my lovely bf of almost 1 year has decided to spend this holiday without me...he says manipulatively 'well hon you have plans with your family.' (which i asked him to join as he always does)he also states ...
A. 26 April 2011: I think you put your needs first, and that's what you needed to do. It is understandable that he wants to keep things as happy as possible with his kids, but there comes a point where they can be manipulating him too.
The truth is, he's separate... (read in full...)
This married woman is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend! Please help!
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A. 26 April 2011: We usually develop a pretty good sense of these things over time. If your gut is telling you something isn't right, then it's probably right. If your BF doesn't see it, but his friends are making comments to you, then you need to tell them to make ... (read in full...)
Should I tell him he needs to decide whether he wants me or not? Or should I let him have more time?
Q. I started seeing this guy about 18 months ago. We met at work, he asked me out and was very keen for us to become serious. During the first six months he broke up with me twice, both times he asked me to get back together with him about three ...
A. 26 April 2011: What do YOU want? There comes a point where you have to decide if what you're doing is best for you. There's being accomodating to the people we love, and then there's getting walked all over by them. I don't think it's out of line for him to ... (read in full...)
Should I tell my cousin how I feel?
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A. 26 April 2011: I would suggest NOT acting on this. Think about how it will affect your family as well as what it would do to your relationship with him if he doesn't feel the same way.
... (read in full...)
I got felt up by the boyfriend of a girl I know. What should I do?
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A. 26 April 2011: Why did he act like that? Because he's attracted to you and doesn't care about his girlfriend. He thought maybe he could get laid so he was going for it.
You did the right thing pulling away and stopping him. Be proud of yourself for not lett... (read in full...)
I'm pretty upset and I feel used. How do I get over this?
Q. This guy (i'll call him "B") and me quit talking for six months and the other night he showed up saying sorry for it all amd wanted for to forgive him. Well, i did. He said never meant to stay out of my life that long and the whole entire time he ...
A. 26 April 2011: Learn from your mistake and don't repeat it with others. If a guy is all over you out of the blue, you know he's only after one thing. Don't give it to him or believe a word he says. Some guys will say or do anything to get laid. He's one of ... (read in full...)
How should my friend go about having a relationship with a younger man?
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A. 26 April 2011: Really, she needs to talk to him about what she wants. If she doesn't want to be a booty call, then she shouldn't let herself be one. Right now, it doesn't sound like he's in this for much more than sex.
She needs to decide what she wants ou... (read in full...)
My ex has a new guy and it makes me feel inferior. Why do I feel like a failure?
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A. 26 April 2011: Oh man, I know exactly what you're feeling. Being single is always easier when that last person you were dating is single too. Having them move on can be painful even if you don't want to be with them anymore. That happened to me when my ex ... (read in full...)
I have this sense of guilt like I cheated! Have I done something wrong?
Q. Early in my relationship, my girlfriend and I just were very honest about our past sexual history. Probably for most, too honest. Through all this, I admitted to her having slept with a friend of mine, at a time when we were both single and it ...
A. 26 April 2011: To me, this is the key statement: "because I had met my girlfriend and actually ended going on our first date the following day." While you'd met your (soon to be) girlfriend, you were not dating just yet. You didn't do anything wrong, and it's ... (read in full...)
Oral Sex Can Be A Sharing Experience - Swallowing IS Equal...
Q. I am in my early fifties and my man is as well. We've only recently become intimate and I was not involved with anyone for a few years prior. So, I had a long time to think about sexuality and what I would do when back into it. My thoughts are tha...
A. 25 April 2011: A fan of my poem?!? That made my day!... (read in full...)
B/f says he loves me and then runs back to his spouse!
Q. I am in a gay relationship and love the guy I am dating. The problem is he tells me that he loves me and cares for me and wants to spend the rest of his life with he, then he runs back to his cheating ,thefting husband. I love him with all my heart ...
A. 25 April 2011: Leave him. He's saying what he knows you want to hear, but the person he goes back to is the one who he's actually with. You're being used. Sorry.... (read in full...)
My man spends all his money on his daughter!
Q. i feel very depress the reason why is my partner of 4 years have a 34 year daughter and shes married with a baby and my man spends all of his $$$ on his daughter ...
A. 25 April 2011: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/his-daughter-is-ruining-our-relationship.html
Asking again so soon instead of following up in the other thread? Bad form OP!... (read in full...)
It seems like my boyfriend could try a little harder to be with me!
Q. ok so me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 5 months now. when we first started dating he was all about me and hanging out with me, we spent so much time together and he would stay at my house almost every night, and when he didnt he told ...
A. 25 April 2011: Don't overreact. My phone has been pissing me off a lot lately too, missing calls and texts. It's weird, but it happens. The other day I had a voicemail but my phone never even rang. No missed call in the call log either... It is odd that he w... (read in full...)
Solciting memorable date ideas
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years. I'm moving away for uni in September (although we'll still see each other at least once a week) and I'm looking for date ideas to make the time between now and then (we both finish for Summer ...
A. 25 April 2011: I'm a fan of camping trips, or other small trips together. An overnight trip can be a lot of fun and good for bonding. Taking something like a couple's massage class could be a lot of fun. A picnic in a quiet park... Really, it all depend... (read in full...)
I cant stop thinking about my family friend
Q. ok there is this guy i can't stop thinking about. He is a family friend. We were out at a bar friday night with my family and ended up at a mutual friends house after, someone we didn't know asked if i was his wife and i said no, as he was saying ...
A. 25 April 2011: He didn't know how to respond, because something like that does NOT belong in a text. It's hard to say if you ruined your chances or not, but if he likes you, then you didn't. Things will likely be a bit awkward the next time you see him though.... (read in full...)
Should I play hard to get or just be myself?
Q. okay so iv been texting this guy for a couple of weeks now, he works with a couple of my friends and iv seen him before, a couple of times, but i have never actually spoke to him face to face. Im worried that if i text too much or come across as ...
A. 25 April 2011: Just be yourself. If you pretend to be something you're not, you'll always wonder if he likes you for the real you should things work out.
Texting for a couple of weeks is a good sign, I would suggest subtle hints toward a meet up and see if h... (read in full...)
If I kiss him befor he moves will it make it harder on us??
Q. My boyfriend is moving to south carilonia thursday 4-28-11 :( i want to know if i kiss him will it make it even harder for me and him when he moves? And also does long distance relationships last long.. Thanks...
A. 25 April 2011: No, most long distance relationships do not work, especially at your age. The reason is that it's very difficult to see each other. Really, you want a BF who can be there when you need him, and sometimes the phone, or skype just isn't enough. ... (read in full...)
He only wants to kiss or cuddle when he wants sex
Q. i have been with my boyfriend for only 5 months and the only time he wants to kiss or cuddle me is if when he wants sex. each time i say no he plays the guilt trip and says you would if you loved me, i just don't know whats best to do, end the ...
A. 25 April 2011: I think discussion should always be the first step. The "if you loved me" is emotional blackmail, and is pretty low down and dirty if you ask me. Explain how you feel and why. If he respects you and loves you, he'll adjust his behavior. If not, ... (read in full...)
Did he just say those things because we were having sex?
Q. my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 months. We are both grown adults. We have discussed love and we both feel that we love eachother, but neither of us ever say "i love you" to eachother (because we are both afraid of heartbreak) last night ...
A. 25 April 2011: The timing is a little odd for the "I'm all yours" thing, but that other stuff is more about making love than having sex. I think he's ready to make things more official, or finally let those things he's been feeling come to the surface. He just ... (read in full...)
What do use for lubricant?
Q. Ok so me and my Gf wanna try anal sex,but we dont have lubricant. She does have vaseline, and Bio Oil (vitamin E skincare tissue oil). Could we use any one of these?...
A. 25 April 2011: It would be best to use a water based lubricant such as KY jelly or something similar. Vaseline is not approved for internal use, neither are most lotions.... (read in full...)
Oral Sex Can Be A Sharing Experience - Swallowing IS Equal...
Q. I am in my early fifties and my man is as well. We've only recently become intimate and I was not involved with anyone for a few years prior. So, I had a long time to think about sexuality and what I would do when back into it. My thoughts are tha...
A. 25 April 2011: Cheers! Great post. I couldn't agree more.... (read in full...)
I'm really bad at being on top during sex
Q. When I am on top having sex I some how keep managing to 'bend' his penis. Not sure exactly what I do to it, it is not a serious injury but it hurts him for a couple of minutes and then he seems okay again. I love being on top usually and he l...
A. 25 April 2011: Yeah, it hurts. My guess is that your hips are getting too far forward. This happens pretty often. That's also one way that it slips out during sex. Ampersand's advice is good. I would also suggest you focus on what you're feeling a bit more. ... (read in full...)
His daughter is ruining our relationship!
Q. I been in a relationship for 4 years he's 59 and I'm 41. I have no kids, he has 2 boys and one of his girls is 35 years old and the other 32. The one girl is a pain; she's married to an army guy and has a daughter. Her boyfriend pays her electric ...
A. 25 April 2011: I think you're right about her being borderline abusive with him, but it's more of a manipulation than anything. It's definitely not right, but there's also not much you can do because he seems dead set on bowing to her every whim.
Decid... (read in full...)
Why does she want to speak to me, after rejecting me?
Q. Hi! I'm in love with a girl she is my collage mate. I proposed to her but she rejected me but she spoke to me for two months. This new year she suddenly stopped speaking to me, I asked her the reason but she said "no I don't want to speak to you". I ...
A. 25 April 2011: If she doesn't love you back, there's not much you can do. If you think you can TRULY be her friend, then that's an option she seems open to. If not, then it's best you cut her out of your life.... (read in full...)
I discovered my husband watches porn...I am threatening divorce
Q. Hi, I have been reading various questions and answers recently and have a question of my own to ask you all: About 5 years ago I discovered husband had been watching porn, I came across this quite innocently while looking through our music librar...
A. 25 April 2011: "If I never trust anyone again I will protect myself from any hurt they may inflict on me"
True, however you will also not be open to the happiness that can come from it either.
When we are hurt, the natural instinct is to shut down and close o... (read in full...)
I cant stop thinking about my family friend
Q. ok there is this guy i can't stop thinking about. He is a family friend. We were out at a bar friday night with my family and ended up at a mutual friends house after, someone we didn't know asked if i was his wife and i said no, as he was saying ...
A. 23 April 2011: *sigh*
That's not something you text the first time you tell someone. You TELL them...... (read in full...)
I cant stop thinking about my family friend
Q. ok there is this guy i can't stop thinking about. He is a family friend. We were out at a bar friday night with my family and ended up at a mutual friends house after, someone we didn't know asked if i was his wife and i said no, as he was saying ...
A. 21 April 2011: That implies he wants you to meet her, which is a good sign.... (read in full...)
I cant stop thinking about my family friend
Q. ok there is this guy i can't stop thinking about. He is a family friend. We were out at a bar friday night with my family and ended up at a mutual friends house after, someone we didn't know asked if i was his wife and i said no, as he was saying ...
A. 21 April 2011: I was referring to the suggestions I gave for asking him about his feelings for you. One was an indirect method: dropping hints and making a joke about the wife comment. The other was direct: asking him out on a date.
Since you say you're s... (read in full...)
I discovered my husband watches porn...I am threatening divorce
Q. Hi, I have been reading various questions and answers recently and have a question of my own to ask you all: About 5 years ago I discovered husband had been watching porn, I came across this quite innocently while looking through our music librar...
A. 20 April 2011: To add a male perspective, pretty much all of us lie about it unless you convince us you're ok with porn. It's not right, but it's a learned behavior. Even a guy who swears up and down he doesn't watch it likely does. Just a warning about what ... (read in full...)
I cant stop thinking about my family friend
Q. ok there is this guy i can't stop thinking about. He is a family friend. We were out at a bar friday night with my family and ended up at a mutual friends house after, someone we didn't know asked if i was his wife and i said no, as he was saying ...
A. 19 April 2011: You know how when you want something, you read into every little thing about it instead of doing what you should? You're there. If you really like him, it seems like he's interested too. Drop him a hint about wanting to get together in a pr... (read in full...)
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