A
male
age
41-50,
dirtball
writes:What brought you to Dear Cupid? Most likely it's because of some problem in your life or relationship. That's how most of us stumbled upon this place. You came here hoping that these anon people on the internet could offer you some insight into your situation. After all, who better than an objective third party to offer unbiased opinions? Right? It's because of this, that I often find myself laughing about people who post questions but fight every piece of advice they are given. Why did you even bother to ask the question if you didn't want an answer? It's for a couple of reasons. They think they want an answer, or they want validation.Someone thinks they want an answer, often until they receive that answer. Often the replies are dictated by the information that the original poster (OP) provides. Since we don't know you, that's all we have to go on. Then the OP gets mad because we're assuming facts, but when we're given no other choice, what can we do? People who just want validation are fun as well. You want us to side with you, and think you can get and internet army of supporters for your cause. The truth is that rarely happens. The reason is that, as objective third parties, we see through the BS shield they use to protect themselves. This often illicits angry responses from OP's who then belittle the people offering to help, despite the fact that they get no pay, little recognition, and a few headaches offering said help.If you can't take the possible answers, don't ask the question. As unique as you think your situation is, it wouldn't hurt to search the board to see if someone else posted something close. Your problem with your BF's porn use isn't as unique as you think. Neither is your affair, your underage sex questions, or even your romantic feelings toward your cousin. At a minimum though, you shouldn't lash out at the people trying to help you. They are just trying to help. You don't need to take advice that's given to you, because only you can decide how to live your life.
View related questions:
affair, cousin, porn, the internet Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
female
reader, WeCanDoIt  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 I have no idea why people lash out. I have to can understand why people repost. They may have not gotten very many replies or something like that, but you are right they might have not liked the answers they had gotten.I try to always feedback and rate the comments! You are OFFERING advice, best and most true saying ever. Truth hurts.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 February 2011):
dirtball is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks again everyone. I was thinking, on some of the other forums I'm on, we often tell people asking a question that's been asked a million times, "Search is your friend." We then leave it at that. I think we break out the kid gloves here all together too often. I'm not saying that we should be mean to people, but I'm also of the camp that people who at least attempt to help themselves first, instead of expecting everything to be handed to them, are much more worthy of quality help. Tell us why your situation is different. We want to know. That's what keeps things interesting and gives you better answers.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lollypop12 +, writes (8 February 2011):
Why do they lash out?
Becasue the truth hurts, and because they had the solution to the problem all the time, they just didnt want affirmation.
Simple
Lollypop12
...............................
A
female
reader, Lil_angel072000 +, writes (3 February 2011):
I am new to dear cupid and I am willing to take any advice or comments people are givin to me cause that's what dear Cupid is about asking a question that you don't know the answer to right? If these people that ask questions and don't wanna here the answers then they need to not ask the question!!!! I like this article it has a good point specially for me being new to this sight
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 I like your article Dirtball...well said!
It gets on my nerves when people ask for advise and then say...you dont know me so dont judge me! Or when some teenager asks a question about sex, gets the obvious responses and then has the cheek to say.."I'm asking for advise not a bunch of people telling me I'm wrong. If you can't help me then don't comment please".
Some are just not satisfied with the number of responses...there's a "I still don't know what to do. I would appreciate some more advise..." follow-up...I honestly dont know what these people want to hear!
Sometimes its just obvious...threesome gone wrong, crush on a teacher, pregnant mistress...what do the posters THINK we would reply? Oh yeah...great job...keep going with the mistress and deceiving your wife!!
Sheesh!!
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (28 January 2011):
 You know what I find astounding on DearCupid? The amount of posts on basic sex education!!! I mean, what do schools teach kids these days??? Or were these people on Mars when it was taught??? Unless some people are just really daft. I learnt alot through sex education, both as a school pupil and as a member of staff.
We could do with some basic articles on here if there are none already...might answer a few questions...
I must say dirtball, you never fail to make me smile, even when i am feeling blue, somehow i just laugh my bloody head off at some of your responses. I wish i had someone like you to chat to, i reckon you could brighten my day....any day!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 January 2011):
dirtball is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks CaringGuy, I'm the same way. When someone lashes out, it shows us their true character. I'll often poke them a bit after that too. It not only helps provide a little satisfaction, but can often provoke some truth out of an OP that they were hiding. Often people forget to censor themselves when they get really pissed. LOL
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 January 2011):
I like to call it "Yes-Men Syndrome". Some people are looking to validate their own behaviour, good or bad, and all they want is for a few people to say "yes - we agree".
Sadly, it never works like that. And the same person will then continually ask the same thing over and over.
I, like you, have had my fair share of people throwing it back. To be honest, I don't care. Neither should you, if you can help it. Or you can do what I do and write something patronising back to them :). Usually that brings out their true colours more quickly.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 January 2011):
 This is exactly the kind of post that Irish would have had some great comments for...Irish if you are checking in on us...I miss you, come back soon.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 January 2011):
dirtball is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Odds, and you bring up a very good point. Sometimes the aunts do get vicious. I know I have. Other times certain topics bring it out *cough* porn *cough*. You see people getting on their soapbox ignoring the question the OP asked to spout their piece. That's definitely not right either.
I'm of the school of thought that it is occasionally necessary to challenge someone, and in those cases I may attack them, but it's most always calculated in order to illicit a particular response from them. Still, there are some pretty spiteful aunts out there, that's for sure.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Well-put.
I'd bet some people come here looking for internet drama, actually. Seeking both validation for what they've done, and people to oppose them so they can argue. Relationship sites are ripe for that sort of thing, since one can argue from emotions more readily than for, say, political sites.
For those that aren't seeking drama, and just aren't clear on whether it's validation or solutions they seek, Person12345 said it perfectly.
Still, sometimes I see answers that attack an OP for something they know was wrong, which they want to fix (full disclosure: I've done it myself). As opposed to knowing it was wrong and seeking a way to avoid the consequences, for which I have little sympathy.
It's unfortunate most people won't see this before posting a question, but hey, good place for regular answerers to vent. Good post.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (26 January 2011):
dirtball is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again everyone who's contributing here.
angelDlite, I think it's natural to get defensive for the person you love when others are attacking them, even if you know what they are saying is true. Right or wrong, it's part of human nature. Especially when the bad stuff is about a person you've devoted months or years to. That's part of the reason why the WHOLE story is important. Without it, we have to fill in our own blanks. When you tell us everything that's wrong about them, it's hard not to think the worst. Of course, none of us are in the relationship, so without details, our hands are tied.
person12345, I agree that people who ask a question and tell us what they don't want to hear are the worst. I tend to tell them exactly what they don't want to hear because that's usually the truth. Asking for advice and putting qualifiers on it just doesn't work. Either you take it all or don't ask. Just because it's offered, that doesn't mean they need to listen.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (26 January 2011):
 hi dirtball
i'm getting a bit disheartened with this site at the moment, so for the past few days i have just been catching up with follow ups, not getting involved with new questions.
"sometimes, the best medicine is the one that doesn't taste so nice!!" - angelDlite 2011
i think i can be caring towards the ones that need it, but 'not so caring' to the ones who write in coz they have been "sh!tting all over their partner, and are now whining coz its blown up in their face. but then you get the 'nice' brigade, saying 'steady on - we all make mistakes'. yeah of course we do but there's mistakes and there's
M I S T A K E S !
for any one who hasn't liked my honest advice and thinks i'm a b!tch, then i would say, 'give me the opportunity to redeem myself and prove i am not the devil; get your partner to write to me with the problem that YOU have caused and you will see how compassionate i am!'
most of the time i *think* i am able to show people (not just on DC) how to put their self in their partners/friends/parents/childs/etc shoes, just the odd one, makes me lose my patience! coz i hate to see anyone crapped all over.
i found this site because i had a little problem of my own at the time, but i stayed coz i really like it here!
a strange habit people have (have seen this before, and done it myself!) they ask a question about their no-good partner, you answer it honestly and sympathetically and then they start defending that person's character and talking their self into staying in the relationship that they said was torturing them. the only time people will leave a bad relationship is when THEY ARE READY, doesn't matter if 1,000 people tell them they are with a no-hoper. one day the 'light bulb just switches on!' in their head, and that's that, with no way back
i'm glad you have posted this question dirtball, its nice to all have a little moan together! :)
xx
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Good article! I agree it's very annoying when people qualify with a "don't judge" "don't tell me [blank]" since we assume they came here for honest advice. If you don't want the honest truth, don't ask! Sort of like when someone asks if they look fat in something and their partner tells the truth of "yes."
I once heard on TV someone said, "did that look stupid?"
Response: "Real honest or friend honest?"
Maybe we should start asking questions like that! I want friend honest instead of real honest sort of thing.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): Well, some OPs are overly sensitive and feel like we are ganging up on them and get defensive.
Others just don't like hearing the truth or are in denial.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 January 2011):
Then my advice must be right on the money each time since my ratings have ALWAYS indicated pissed off posters. From day one.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (26 January 2011):
dirtball is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Had a bad day honeypie..."
Not at all Mia. Nobody in particular sparked this, I just felt it needed to be said. I've seen more and more OP's lashing out lately and it got me thinking, that's all.
Thanks for the kind words everyone. Any other ideas why some of these people lash back at the people offering help?
...............................
A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Spot on. The people that fight the advice are looking for someone to side with them, often because they know they are in the wrong, they know they're the one who has caused the problem in their relationship/family/friendship and so they seek some reassurance that nobody else will give them.
I feel that they often know the advice offered makes perfect sense and so they lash out because they didn't really want anyone to confirm the niggling thought in the back of their minds that told them the very same thing as what they are now reading in front of them. Truth hurts.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Had a bad day honeypie.... Of course my answers are always perfect, (for me) I got the scores to prove it...lol
Reposting... reminds me of one Christmas...Tisha managed to track down about 20posts from the same person before she gave up.
Sometimes people are confused about the delay and so repost again. They don't think their post uploaded properly. Sometimes they are very damaged and use the board as a personal diary. In those cases, it doesn't matter what we say, because they sure aint listening.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): That's another thing that's really irritating. People who post a question and don't like the advice given so they re post it again just written slightly differently.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 January 2011):
 A well said piece.
Do keep in mind that you come on this site, seeking advice from people who put in the time, effort to read your question and give you a well thought out answer. Be prepared to get advice from every angle..it's your choice as to what to do with it.
Also if you get enough advice, then there's no need to repost it. You're going to get the same answers, and I'm willing to bet they will be the same as last time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): I'm so glad somebody wrote an article about this. It's one of my pet peeves, actually.
You come to this site for advice and when you get a response but it's not something you wanted to hear you decide to start insulting the people who have taken the time to answer you.
I also can't stand it when a post starts with "you don't know me so don't judge". Yeah, because you are so unique and special that nobody has even been in your situation. Please...
...............................
|
