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*irtball agony aunt

*irtball

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*irtball's profile:

Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.

Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.

ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!

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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.

_____________________________________________

I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)

DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)

Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.

Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.

Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.

People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.

Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?

People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.

You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.

When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.

When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.

Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.

I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.

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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html

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Dirtball Rants:

1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.

2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.

____________________________________________

Abreviations.

I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.

OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.

BF - Boyfriend

GF - Girlfriend

SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.

BTW - By the way

FWIW - For what it's worth

TBH - To be honest

IDC - I Don't Care

IDK - I Don't Know

IMHO - In My Humble Opinion

IMO - In My Opinion

IOW - In Other Words

THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples)

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I cant stop thinking about my family friend

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Experiences in dating foreign women?

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His penis hurts after we have sex and he pulls out. Is this normal?

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What shape type do men like best on a woman?

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What would you guys do?

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A.   20 April 2011: I suggest cutting contact with her so that you can actually move on. It's not so much the cheating, but the fact that she continued it after she said it was over. Those kind of lies create wounds in your trust that can almost never be recovered ... (read in full...)

I realized too late how much I love her but now she wants space!

Q.   I had dated a girl for about 8 and half years. I am now 27 and we met our senior year in high school. She was my first love and best friend. Our relationship has always been fantastic. We get along so well its amazing. We both went to different ...

A.   20 April 2011: You need to back off for now. If it's meant to be, it will happen. Give her the time she needs to decide. It won't be easy, but if you really love her like you say, you will want her to be happy. She needs this space in order to be happy.... (read in full...)

How can I figure out what kind of a relationship she wants?

Q.   Hi I have one of my best friend, who is really sexy and horny virgin girl and never had any boy friend even close relationship with any guy. She loves to be intimate but keep boundary. Also as per I know she is crazy about sex, love to browse X...

A.   20 April 2011: It is possible to have a close relationship and sex all rolled into one. Those are the best relationships in my book. Do you think she wants this relationship with you? If you do, then perhaps you should ask. It seems that you really like her... (read in full...)

I wonder what he means by a close relationship.

Q.   There is this guy that i like in school and we're friends. So he told one of my girlfriends that he liked another girl because they knew each other for 10 years and they are really close plus he is not sure that she likes him. but then he also said ...

A.   20 April 2011: This is a guy without the courage to ask girls out on dates. He hopes that by getting close to them they will see all his good qualities and want to be with him. While that may happen, unless he finds the courage to speak up, he'll be doomed to be ... (read in full...)

When he heard I had a thing for him, I got nervous and denied it. But I really do. What should I do?

Q.   I know this might sound like in jumping to conclusion and all that usual stuff but I'm really confused. I've known this guy for ages and we are friends, it was always a thing of will they won't they and it looked promising until a couple of months ...

A.   20 April 2011: Now that conflicting messages are out there, it's best if you just confront this with the person it matters to, the boy you like. You're going to have to talk to him. Tell him you know about the things people are saying, and you wanted to make ... (read in full...)

Why does she want to marry me when she doesn't want to be with my physically?

Q.   hi guys and galls. I was just hoping for some views on my situation. I an due to be married next year after 5 years in this relationship. Over the part 8 months me and my future wife have had sex 5 times. This is not normal for any relationship ...

A.   20 April 2011: From once a week to less than once a month. Has it slowly been decreasing or was there a drastic change at some point?... (read in full...)

Why does she want to marry me when she doesn't want to be with my physically?

Q.   hi guys and galls. I was just hoping for some views on my situation. I an due to be married next year after 5 years in this relationship. Over the part 8 months me and my future wife have had sex 5 times. This is not normal for any relationship ...

A.   20 April 2011: I'm less concerned about the sex and more concerned about the lack of communication. Not a good sign. Has she always been this way with sex, or did her drive drop off more recently?... (read in full...)

I cant stop thinking about my family friend

Q.   ok there is this guy i can't stop thinking about. He is a family friend. We were out at a bar friday night with my family and ended up at a mutual friends house after, someone we didn't know asked if i was his wife and i said no, as he was saying ...

A.   19 April 2011: You know how when you want something, you read into every little thing about it instead of doing what you should? You're there. If you really like him, it seems like he's interested too. Drop him a hint about wanting to get together in a pr... (read in full...)

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