A
male
age
51-59,
*adfome
writes:My wife has came to me with the idea that she wants to sleep with other men. She is madly in love with me and our sex life is incredible. She has been chatting online with other men and has lined up her first "dude" for this Friday night. She is always open with me and shares all text and emails. I feel like if I don't let her do this my marriage will be over. She insists that this is just a midlife crisis that she is going through and has an urge to sleep with other men and wants to have a 3 way with me and another man but every man she asks gets wierded out by that. She is yet to sleep with anyone. She had someone scheduled for this past Sunday night but he backed out because he had an issue with her being married. Am I wrong for letting her get this out of her system? I have tried to give her a choice between them and me and she said with tears in her eyes that she hates hurting me but she feels like she has a disease that she can't control. What do I do? I am hoping that once she does the deed she will feel extreme guilt and stop it. She hates seeing me hurt. But at the same time she gets very irrate at me when I ask her not to do it and she says I am causing too much drama. I hope that this will make our marriage stronger and she will top all of this soom. Like I said she has not done anything yet.
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female
reader, LoveGirl  +, writes (7 April 2010):
I cannot remain silent anymore.
This woman is violating her marriage and you all in the name of some sick love. When does it end? The 23rd? I don't know. What I hate more - you accepting her violation or her getting away with it. Seeking sexual gratification outside a marriage and just. Expecting her husband to accept it is a blatant disrespect and blatant betrayal. I am shocked that you have accepted your fate so easily. She is nothing more than a manipulative and cunning cheat. Please learn to be more assertive and learn to stand up for yourself. This woman is getting away with marital infidelity and you are allowing it. She needs to choose: you or a lover. She cannot have both and YOU need to understand this. This is just too creepy.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 April 2010):
 She won't do it, and if she dose, it won't be fun, she'll feel sick and she will hate herself.
Try to find something fun and dangerous for her to do alone, or something you can do together. Public sex, parchautte jump, anything that will get her heart pumping and show her that both of you are still young.
Surprise her, if you can, go out and change your image, buy a set of new clothes, go and dye your hair... Show her that you also can get bored and want to go off and find excitement. At the moment, she can play with the idea of pleasing herself, because your safe, you'll stay at home, you'll forgive her no matter what and you'll always take her back.
Shake up her little world a bit. Make her worry about you for a change, make her jealous and make her wonder if she's pushed you away with this talk of other men.
She'll respect you more and will turn to you if you break out of the safe, kind husband image. Take off and stay away for a week, tell her she needs space to do her thing, and you've booked into a hotel in vegas cause your going to paint the town red.
She's not doing this to make you jealous, she feels old and confused. Make her feel jealous, and that will give her something better to concentrate on, than other men who she probably dosen't fancy as much.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 April 2010):
 I think that what she is missing is inside her. Often a low sense of self will cause a misguided direction drawing someone into negative behavior patterns to fill this void. You're right, it's the attention.
Here's what I see. She doesn't want to hurt you?, but she is. She wants to have sex with another? But she can't. (part of her must be working correctly to place a block between desire and acting on it.) I feel she's seeking validation, which jealousy is part of as well.
I think it'd be a good idea, instead of having this drama, to find and join a marital retreat, or something of this sort which focuses on self reflection. It wouldn't take long for her to find her behavior is due to her sense of self, and what she is doing to you and your marriage by behaving in this manner.
How about you? Does this behavior cause you to feel any less to her than prior to? Such as, not feeling as if she appreciates the affection you provide, so she looks for the validation elsewhere? These retreats and camps will help you not only strengthen self, but strengthen everything you two are as a married couple.
You have so much more patience than I would in your situation. I'd simply tell her, if you sleep with him. I will take this ring off, and give it to you so you may put it on his finger. That's about as straight forward as one can get with these behaviors.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 April 2010):
 Women during their mid life crisis wants to reclaim their youths and resist the aging process. They feel the pressure to maintain their looks .
They want to know if they are still beautiful and wanted by other men.They may feel as if they are stuck in a rut and will try to break their routines.
She feels alive when men want her but her inhibitions are too strong and that's why she felt it was wrong at the last moment.
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A
male
reader, Sadfome +, writes (7 April 2010):
Sadfome is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is now April 7. My wife still has not had sex with another man. She has actually gone 3 times to try and meet someone but each time she has called me within 10 minutes crying saying that she cannot go through with it. Her love for me has strengthened greatly. She is very compassionate with me and the sex is great and we are madly in love with each other. However, she is still registered on the sex sites(anyone want to volunteer to mess with her head and have some fun on there let me know..lol). She has emailed other guys nude pics of herself and they have sent them to her. I tell her that I don't like this behavior and she tells me that she doesnt want to hurt me and that she is going to sleep with someone else. Whats strange is that she has given herself a target date of May 23rd(our anniversary) to stop this behavior. She insists that if I let her have "fun" until then she will renew our vows and never do this again(yeah right). My take on this is she enjoys other men telling her how sexy she is and actually getting their approval and getting someone else to want sex from her BUT in the end she can't do it and she loves me and thinks of me. Could this be the case? Is she simply trying to make me jealous?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): mr, i have had the same experience with my wife,chances are there were signs that you chose to ignore about her promiscuous behavior,. it can be a real addiction. my
own wife was promiscuous before we met and marrage will not stop the addict . My own wife tried to get me to bring woman to our home so she would not feel guilt.You are in serious trouble with her .read out of the shadows by
Patrick Carnes.My wife put me in jail then bed evry man who wanted her, we been seperated over a year know,do not lose youre integrity and violate youre boundries.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 March 2010):
Isn't this what you need to find out? If you're not looking for a swinger relationship, tell her that's not what you desire. Compromise in a marriage does not include agreeing for your wife to become unfaithful.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (19 March 2010):
 There are things, earn good wealth if traded. And, there is this thing, "SEX" causes loss if traded. Your dealing is 'trading', to save marriage, or to have something new in sex...Sex in couple is magical, You both miss to check the real magic of sex. If you both have seen and felt that magic, there will be no point in 'trading'.
I suggest you [both], to check the erotic sex in google search, and learn,because your learning will save relationship. Do not deal with sex blindly. Love is blind but sex is light, which may please be remember.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (18 March 2010):
Fair is fair eyes, there should be equality in relationships. She screws around, then so should you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 March 2010):
 After you last follow up I think you should tell her that if she sleeps with another man, you are going to sleep with another woman. Maybe THAT will make her think twice.
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A
male
reader, Sadfome +, writes (18 March 2010):
Sadfome is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe freaks out at the thought of me even talking to another woman...not that I desire to do so. I am hoping that she is all talk....
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (17 March 2010):
 Dude!! Have some self-respect and man up! If you let her do this, she's actually going to respect you LESS. You NEED to take a stand, this is NOT something that she should feel she's entitled to! She is being incredibly selfish, please don't delude yourself into believing that once she sleeps with other men that it'll fix everything. Please, please, PLEASE don't let her walk over you on this issue, it'll just open an ugly can of worms. Also ask yourself, would she be prepared to give you the same option of sleeping with other women when you decide that you're having a crisis? I doubt she would.Best of luck
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (17 March 2010):
She could just be daydreaming and speaking it out aloud.Fantasizing about all those sexual orgy's amidst her imaginary mid life crisis..
Maybe she is only testing your reactions.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 March 2010):
No it won't. Don't let her do it. If you do, it will ruin your marriage. Tell her if she wants to sleep with other men, she can divorce you first. This is just about her being selfish.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 March 2010):
"mid-life crisis" my butt. It's just a convenient excuse. Tell the drama queen to grow up or get out.
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A
male
reader, Dr. Reality Check +, writes (17 March 2010):
 No. It won't help at all. It will put alot more confusion, tension and heartache into your relationship. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (17 March 2010):
 You worry that your marriage will be over if you don't agree to this, but it's very likely it will be over if you do. Please read this post from a man who "allowed" his wife to engage in sex with other men; you don't want to end up in a situation like this:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-have-no-respect-for-my-wife-and.html
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 March 2010):
This is extremely selfish behavior. She said it's like having a disease, then she needs to set a doctors appointment with a counselor, instead of doing what will have a high probability of being the end of your marriage. It's nice she told you about having affairs before actually doing it. I'd ask her if she wished to remain married. If you're not comfortable with this, it will be the destroyer of your marriage. Can you be with her, knowing she had sex with someone else? Personally, with how I believe in cheating. I'd tell her that you'd honor her wishes in doing what she wants, but she'd have to honor yours as well and sign divorce papers before her actions can be considered adultery.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (17 March 2010):
 She hates hurting you? That says you're not 100% onside. Which is supported by: "I am hoping that once she does the deed she will feel extreme guilt and stop it."
I've heard of instances where a couple who are incredibly secure with each other but seeking new experiences can introduce a new partner and have things work out well. That is so far from what you describe as to be scarcely worth mentioning.
You are causing drama? I don't think so. You might have her review the wedding vows you both made. There is something very seriously wrong in your relationship, and I cannot imagine how her sleeping with someone else is going to help. Given your description of her attitude, the answer is serious professional couples counselling. It sure as hell isn't letting her scratch her itch.
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A
female
reader, Hard_decision +, writes (17 March 2010):
She is selfish - No one who is in a loving healthy relationship with a great sex life would dream about sleeping with someone else. Your wife has issues, instead of allowing her to sleep with other men I suggest you take her to couples councelling as she needs it badly!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): You are causing too much drama!?! Why are you putting up with this? Kick her to the curb. She does not seem to mind seeing you hurt!
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (17 March 2010):
 I don't find it healthy and i can only see this making your marraige worse. I would not reccomend it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): I understand that your wife is going through a difficult time, and you're really understanding about her whole situation. However, bringing another complication into the relationship (like her sleeping with someone else) could potentially hurt your marriage. Even if she does feel this "extreme guilt" and want to stop, you being hurt by her actions and her feeling guilty could be a harmful combination to any marriage.
Some couples are okay with having an open marriage, but since you both know that her sleeping with someone else would hurt you, I don't think you necessarily fit into that situation. Some people can't be okay with it no matter how much they love each other/how hard they try, and that desire for monogamy is perfectly fine.
Obviously, you both love each other very much, or this wouldn't be an issue. The best advice that I can give you is to talk to someone before either of you make a rash decision that could affect the other. Maybe if you are both united, open, and honest with a marriage counselor, you can get to the root of the problem and fix it without doing more harm to your relationship. Counseling may not be easy, but it may provide some clarity since you are both pretty unsure of where to go next in your marriage.
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A
female
reader, ElectricSheep +, writes (17 March 2010):
 Not every urge is to be satisfied. If people went around doing whatever they felt like doing, the world would be in chaos.
To me this doesn't sound like a "midlife crisis" she's going through, it simply sounds like she wants to try a threesome. She does seem to love you, but she's painting this as a midlife crisis just so it doesn't sound bad. She CAN control her thoughts; this is not like a "disease" that is incurable.
If you are totally against her doing this, then let her know that. You two are in this marriage together and each have a say in how you want your relationship to go. If she's treating the threesome thing as something she needs to do, she's wrong about that. There's nothing you can't control about yourself.
Be aware that maybe she won't stop after trying just this, so keep that in mind.
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A
male
reader, Mkiniry9600 +, writes (17 March 2010):
I would not do it it can go very bad for you. I mean when you try something new and like it. You dont just stop doing it. She might say ok to stop but it will never leave her mind and she will think about it over and over again. Then one day will want to do it again. IF she truly loves you and you guys have a great sex life then why does she need someone else ask your self that and ask her that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): You're not okay with this are you? I read out of your message that you are not okay with it. Don't let her emotionally blackmail you to be okay with this. Grow a pair of nuts and tell her flat out no, or at least discuss it properly. This is only okay if it's okay with YOU.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): Whoaa. I'm no expert here but I think that sounds kind of crazy. BY all means, if you're not a jelaous person, than great for you, because I wouldn't want my husband sleeping with other woman.
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