A
female
age
30-35,
*unflowerpower
writes: So I met this guy (We'll call him Mike) in September. It took us a while to finally get together, but in January we went on our first date. In February, Mike and I went on two dates (the second of which, we kissed for the first time and ultimately made out for a while on his couch), and we just had our fourth this last Sunday. On our last date, things got really heavy and I ended up giving him oral sex, but told him I wasn't ready for the whole shebang. Mike just smiled, and kissed me and said it was okay. I think I will be ready to sleep with him on our next date, but is the fifth date too soon? I really like this guy and want things to last, but I also want to have sex with him and I know he wants to do the same with me. I am just worried that if I move too soon that he will think I'm easy and skanky and that if I move too slow that he will think I am a prude (which I am not) What do you think I should do?
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (17 March 2010):
 Firstly, in response to the original question posed by "sunflowerpower" of the U.S.A., I must agree with several others that there is no set guideline to go by when deciding when intercourse has become appropriate. We are all different, not only by gender and upbringing, but also by so many things like personal desires, attraction, religion (if applicable) and so much more.
A young woman today, as at any other time, must decide what she wants, expects and is likely to experience in a sexual relationship using her innate perception (women's famed intuition) which can also be influenced by desire and need for gratification. But women also seem to universally seek continuance, which I'll admit that most men, especially when young adults, can take or leave. Personally, once pleased, I have tended to want more from the same woman (with an expanding repertoire of activities), but other men can be all over the spectrum. Some just want one conquering shag (lay), but that has always seemed totally stupid in my mind.
As indicated by my earlier response and question to "quiet-echo," I obviously consider "sex" to include oral pleasuring either way. So in my mind, you and your relatively new boyfriend have had sex, but I'm of a different generation. It would seem the young adults of today, in many countries, consider oral sexual activities to be just foreplay. In my opinion, when a man ejaculates within a woman's vagina or her mouth, intimate sex has occurred. But perceptions do change with generations, as I realize.
Any to add some thought to the response by "quiet-echo," I think that several reasons why young women have become so willing to provide oral pleasure for their boyfriends (or acquaintances) must include: no fear of pregnancy, the extremely erotic nature of it (many reportedly experience at least mild orgasms by doing it), the growing popularity and acceptance about oral since the early 1970s, potential healthy aspects (based on studies) and the influence of widespread pornography. Just some opinion.
A
male
reader, Kenneth +, writes (17 March 2010):
The number of dates does not matter, as long as you both are compatible & ready for a long term commitment that could lead to marriage. I had sex with my wife on a first date & we have been married for 30 years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): I've had sex on the first date that resulted in years-long relationships (and in one case a marriage proposal) and sex on the first date that stayed just that--a one-night stand. I've also had relationships where I waited to sleep with the guy and we ended up not being sexually compatible after weeks or months spent "dating" chastely. Kind of a waste IMO ;)
I know some would call this behavior slutty and that's your prerogative; I don't mind. Fire away. I've had my reasons for every choice I made and I regret none of it. Just sharing my own experience to try and illustrate that it's not always black and white. It has been my experience that a man's impression of you is not based solely off how long you make him wait to have sex... it's how you act and carry yourself the rest of the time as well. The pop culture expression "lady in the streets, freak in the sheets" comes to mind. I have yet to meet a guy who wants a serious relationship with a girl who comes across as easy/trashy/slutty in public, but quite a few of them seem to value girls who have their lives together, who can go home, meet their parents, and be polite and modest... until the two of you are alone behind closed doors, that is, and then it's game on ;) If on the other hand you are that girl who is out in skimpy clothes getting wasted in a dive bar every night and going home with whoever... yeah, I don't think you'll find many guys who want that in the long term. And I'm not saying that you are; again, just trying to illustrate my point.
I really think the key here is to move at a pace that YOU are comfortable with, and not let anyone, including him, convince you otherwise (be that moving faster or slower.) Just because you had oral sex with him doesn't mean you're obligated to sleep with him the next time around, or even to blow him the next time around, unless YOU want to. Keep that in mind, and best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (17 March 2010):
 There are no set rules for this.
Sex should happen naturally, when you both feel it's right. If the 5th date feels right, then do it.
But don't make the date JUST to have sex. See how it goes at the end of the date. And don't talk about it too much with him. See how it plays out.
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A
female
reader, Appelle +, writes (17 March 2010):
You need to think about the possibility that the relationship will end. Will you regret your actions? You should wait until you know there is mutual love between you two.
As to fellatio, I think it is very special but I think that the one performing should enjoy the act as well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): That is completely up to you, but I am a guy and usually have sex on around the 4th or 5th date. Some people have sex on the first date so do not think you are being a whore because you are having sex on the 5th date, if that is why you are asking. Sex is something that should not be done before both people are ready, but if you wait to long he might lose interest. Anyway in my opinion ask him if he is ready (he seems to be) believe me it will make you feel better. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (17 March 2010):
"I agree, DoubleM. I think there are a number of reasons for this."
What are the reasons?
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (17 March 2010):
In my opinion, "quiet-echo" makes a lot of sense. Admitted, I'm a much older man, but well remember my youth when oral sex was really considered a more personal experience saved for those very special lovers or those truly loved. I'm very permissive in my opinions about sexuality, but must admit that I'm rather astounded by the willingness of young women to so quickly perform oral favors for young men they hardly know. In my day, that kind of pleasure was considered the ultimate kind of sexual intimacy, and I think it still should be that special.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 March 2010):
It's true, I've known some men to consider oral sex more "intimate" than actually having sex. I think you should have sex with him when you're ready. It's said that you should wait at least a month or longer until you can't anymore. I think you should whenever you're comfortable. Everyone is different, and I don't really believe that there's any set "rule" as to how each and every guy is going to feel about how soon you sleep with him. You're usually doomed if you sleep with him on the first night, but not always. If you think it's better to get to know him better before you sleep with him, then do that. If you're ready, then do it. In the end, if he really does like you and respects you, whether you sleep with him or not won't matter.
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A
female
reader, sincerelovee +, writes (17 March 2010):
 well, you should wait untill YOUR ready if your under 18 but if your older you should go for it!
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