A
female
age
36-40,
*eccamega
writes:I'm 23 and still living at home. I envy my cousins who are in their twenties and have children with their partners out of wedlock. My parents are really conservative and I'm not. They think that you have to be married just to leave home! I completely disagree with them. I find this backward and old fashioned. This just makes me desperate. I'll just want to marry anyone for independance. I tried talking to them about this, but they never give me any answers. All they do is is get angry and yell or scream at me. I find this incredibly frustrating. I'm a mature adult, I'm the eldest child in my family. I've never been pregnant or taken drugs. I really envy people that have children and leave home early, as they don't have to deal with this.
View related questions:
cousin, drugs, living at home Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DenimandLace44  +, writes (5 June 2011):
 I understand because I was brought up the same way. And I've seen this played out over and over and over. Someone has to break the mold. I don't say you are backwards...just that marriage is not the best way out IF you aren't sure about it. If you are of age...and have the finical indepence they cannot stop you from going. Get a small place close and stay connected and it will work. It will take a bit but they will come around. You feel trapped...and you will have to be strong but it can be done. In my circle it wasn't done either. But finally a few have gotten strong enough to do it. And when their parents saw that they didn't go crazy, and wild...they adjusted. Good luck honey.
A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (5 June 2011):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou call me backward for believing that getting married is the only way out. But this is how my parents have actually brought me up. Its the only way they'd let me leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (18 November 2010):
Then leave the house. You're an adult altogether, there isn't anything they can really do other than yell at you and take away financial support. So as long as you can support yourself, you can leave and start your own life and get your independence. They're your parents and they will still love you. They will probably be very very upset if you do just leave, but over time they will adapt. I did that, my parents are very conservative and I had a bad relationship with them, so I left. And there was crying and screaming, but now we are back to a new normal, and I get more respect as they finally view me as an adult and responsible for my own life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothea  +, writes (18 November 2010):
I totally understand how you are feeling because my parents did exactly the same thing to me. Because of the way they treated me I really felt helpless and like I had no options at all, I just was not wise in the ways of the world and would not have known how to survive on my own.I know its not simply a case of just moving out, like people on here are saying. The way I did it I got into a far away university at the age of 26. My parents were desperate and tried to find a way for me to do a degree in my home town. There were no such options thank goodness! At university I learned life skills that I had missed out on then I got a job in that same town. I am now back in my home town but my parents have lost their grip on me as I am now independant and more street savvy. Try applying to University I think maybe you could do the same as me. I hope this helped.
...............................
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (18 November 2010):
They treat you like a child because you still act like their baby. You want to be respected and treated mature...but you are willing to let them support you in every way. Independence comes with a price. To be independent you must be exactly that. Like the others said, get a job, support yourself. Then and only then will you truly be independent.
Marriage is NOT the answer. You will only be trading one set of rules for another. Marriage should only be entered into when two people willingly submit to giving up a lot of their independence to cohabitate. It takes a lot of give and take, a lot of compromise. It is hard work and definitely not an out for a situation like yours.
Marriage is not what is portrayed in fairy tales or in the movies. It is a wonderful thing, but not to be entered into until you find that special someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Someone who at times you will have to submit to, whether you are the husband or the wife. It is beautiful moments, and dirty socks. It is giving up your night out with the girls to make him soup because he is sick. Think about these things...they are a very real part of married life.
I understand the need for freedom. You need to make a plan to get out on your own!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (18 November 2010):
 You are 23 years old. Do you have a job? Save money, enough to move out and do it. Your parents aren't going to change, so it's completely up to you to take charge of the situation you are in.
No, you don't have to be married to move out. You have one life, live it how you believe you should. Yeah, your parents will be pissed off that you are disobeying them, but they will get over it. You are their daughter. They love you. They can't stay mad at you forever.
As for having children to get out of the house, bad idea. Then as a fulltime mother yourself you will start to resent your children because you will be stuck at home all of the time and won't have the independance that you want.
Move out. You're a big girl. This is up to you to make this happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 As you are from Australia, it should not be a cultural barrier to live on your own as a grown up female!
So take a job, earn your own money and move to a little flat. Best would be, move to an other city or village - or on the other end of the city, so that you are not close to your parents. If you don't want to live on your own, look for a flat-sharing community (best would be a female one, because there you can live without the pressure of flirting all the time!). You are old enough to take your life in your own hands. You don't have to ask your parents about that. And once you earn your own money, you can do with it, what YOU want. You are grown up, your parents are not in the right to tell you what to do (except if you are in dept with them, than of course you would have to pay back the money).
What is hindering you about that? I guess it is not your parents, but yourself! So look for your own flat or flat-sharing, pack your staff and move completely out of your parents home as soon as possible!
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Their house, their rules... don't like it? Move out. I'm struggling to see how its any more complicated than that.
...............................
A
female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Firstly, why are you living at home? You said that your parents don't want you to leave because apparently you have to be married to leave home, but why not just take the control of the situation and leave?
Are you employed? Do you have a university education? Are you making any money? Do you have any friends?
It seems you have adopted your parents outlook on life, even though you dislike what they say. You want to get married to have freedom? Huh?!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): So why not get your stuff one day, move out! Seriously they might be mad but just because they believe something doesn't mean they have a right to use it to control you. If like you say they never listen to you then you will be like this for a very very long time!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 You don't have to be married to leave home, at least not in Australia .
The advice is a classic one - get a job if you don't have one, start saving, become financially self sufficient ( even if this should mean living on a tight budget and downsize your lifestyle ), move out, go share an apartment with roommates. Your parents will be upset at first ... until eventually they'll get over it.
I know that in the current economy all this is easier said than done- but this should at least be your objective. Working toward it will curb your temptation to marry any guy you can convince to marry you, just to be able to leave home.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Well let me ask you this - why dont you want to take responsiblity and grow up yourself?
I cannot understand how a young woman, in the year 2010, thinks the only way to be happy in life and to mature is to get married and have children. I am actually shocked, disappointed and saddended that this mentality still exists. Now I am in no way whatsoever a feminist, and I personally would love to be a housewife one day and have children and put all my time and effort into that.
But I am aged 23, a similar age to you, I work full time, earn great money and have my own lovely apartment. I left the family home aged 18 to go to University and I have never moved back, with the exception of a month when I was temporarily unemployed.
You really contradict yourself in your post - you say that you think your parents are backward and old fashioned yet here you are saying you will marry anyone just to get independence! That is the most backward view of them all!
Stop waiting for a knight in shining armour to come rescue you, it will never happen so lose that idea, fast. And stop thinking that by getting married you will be "independent". Being in a marriage means no independence, it just means co-dependence on someone else. You will go from one form of control with your parents, to another form of control with a husband.
If you really want to be independent - then get a job, save some money and move out on your OWN. That is true independence, when you can function happily on your own without the help of a man or your family. So if you really want to 'grow up' - then take it upon yourself to sort the situation out instead of waiting for a man to rescue you and take you away. If you have your own money you have everything you need in life - you can afford your own rent, bills, car, clothes, entertainment, food, holidays....you name it, you can have it if you earn your own money. This is true independence, and it can only be acheived by having your own money. If you are relying on a man to fund your life, then that is just another form of control, he will give you an allowance and you can only spend/do things with his approval.
Whereas if you just realised that you can have a life of your own, without a man or family dictating what to do, you will be so much happier! This is the modern world, women work now and have careers, they are independent and can do what they like. This is not the 1800's where you sit around waiting to get married before you can start a life.
So it is YOU that is holding yourself back, if you want a life then go ahead and get out there into the world and make a life of your own. Your family is not stopping you grow up, you are stopping yourself with your old-fashioned thinking. No man, marriage or children can give you any independence, only you can do this for yourself.
Just do whatever it takes to get your own independence, if you need to get some qualifications then go to college or night school. If you need a career - then think about what it is you enjoy doing and find a job that relates to that. Once you have your career, start saving some money each month and put it in a savings account so you can save up for a deposit on your own flat/house.
This is YOUR life, take control of it and dont wait for anyone to make it better. Only you can make your life better, it is your responsiblity to make yourself happy.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
