A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am the full time carer for my Mother. I have brother's but they refuse to do anything for her. I am in love with a man in another country and I really want to be with him, he feels the same way as me, but circumstances won't allow him to immigrate to my country. We have been in love with each other for 5 years and we both believe that we are soul mate's.I feel selfish for wanting to move to be with him, when my Mum needs me, but I want a future of my own and I am conflicted between duty and the love of my life. Does anyone have any advice?Thanks
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female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 I'm so glad that you and your mom worked everything out (I'm sorry that your brothers aren't there for you or your mom, that's gotta be really irritating.) I'm so happy that you are going to be with the man you have loved. Love is so rare. Congrats and good luck. Pray your mom gets well.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou to everyone who responded. I had a talk to my Mum and she told me to go where my heart leads, she would hate to think that i miss out on the love of my life because of the fact my brothers haven't been there for her. We are looking into getting me to move over to him, and my Mum possibly following me after I settle in. I appreciate everyone who took the time to write a response it all helped. once again thankyou and much love to you all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): have you looked at respite care? While i looked after a relative for 4 years - 7 days a week, i had only agreed to it if i got a 2 week respite break from caring ever 3 months. And outside professional carers to assist me when i was not there, so she was not left alone for extended periods. As a carer you need breaks, and you need to know your Mom is happy in the Respite care option you all decide on.
I know that not all families can care for elderly relatives at home. And i know that some elderly people may prefer a nursing home to staying at home.
Being a carer is very tiring.
Carers need lots of care too.
When i researched on the internet things to make my relative's life better i noticed care options available in other countries.
I notice you are in Australia or New Zealand (not sure of flag). Have you checked out the great 'in your own home' based aged care they have in Australia? The Extended Aged Care (EACH program) in the Home that the Australian government there gives out there? Because most elderly people want to remain in their own homes. I read that the Australian government do help elderly to stay at home instead of going into a nursing home there Because: it is cheaper for the family than a nursing home. And cheaper for the government than a nursing home. So they give out lots support so that you can have government paid carers come into the home up to 7 days a week to help lighten the load at very little cost because most of it is paid by your government. But like all countries the Nursing Homes have problems. When i was researching issues to help with my relative i found this amazing Australian site called 'Aged Care Crisis Forum'. After reading it i dont think anyone would want to put a relative into a nursing home. I cared for a close relative at home, with additional paid carers to help me, for the last 4 years of her life. I could not have done it alone. My relative had outlived her own children who had all died. And she did have grandsons, but she did not want them caring for her as she thought that too embarassing if they had to shower her and help dress her. But she was adamant that she wanted to stay in her own home. Yes it took a bit of organising to get it all set up. I got lots of advice and got a nurse friend come in and help advise me. One of the things we concentrated on was very good skin care as elderly people have more sensitive skin. Even one ambulance man commented later that she had the best skin he'd ever seen in a woman her age. And the Doctor and my nurse friend gave me great advice on how to set things up at home, and ongoing advice in who/what to get in. I arranged for a podiatrist and a physiotherapist and a hairdresser to visit regularly at home. Because of her strokes the physiotherapist devised an exercise program the carers could deliver twice daily, and that helped her to walk again after her first stroke. After one of her later strokes i brought in a speech pathologist to give the carers training as a group on issues to keep an eye on to prevent aspiration pneumonia (which she never got, thankfully). And at the outset i spoke to her Doctor and we arranged that he would home visit her for her regular appointments. And i spent time on the internet finding out more about things that would support her, so she could get good care. It was emotionally draining and rewarding at the same time. Two days before she died she took a turn for the worse and had to go to hospital, where they were wonderful. The night before she died we all knew the end was coming. And we had a wonderful talk, and it was clear she was peaceful with the inevitable that was coming. . On the morning she died, in hospital, I was able to hold her hand, reassure her about what a wonderful Great Aunt, Aunt, Mom, Grandma, wife, she had been. And i suggested she had probably been a wonderful niece, cousin, sister, daughter and grand daughter as well. She had grown weaker after so many strokes and yet still had the strength to thank me for her care. All her paid carers loved her too, and they all came to her funeral, demonstrating what a loveable dear person she was. I would have hated to see her die alone in a souless nursing home with no family present. Nursing homes in most cases disgust me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): Could you make arrangements to move and then see if your mum could move to be with you? This might work for all of you - you keep your relationship and have peace of mind you can be there for her. Can you explore other caring options in your own country? Are there any other ways to see how your boyfriend could live with you? (de facto visa?) If you married your boyfriend is it possible for him to move to be with you? I think unless you have turned over every stone I don't think you will be happy staying or leaving.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (18 November 2010):
How ill is your mother? Do your brother's live where your mom is? Locally?
Perhaps you leaving to be with the man you love (true love is so rare) will give them the kick in the ass they need to start helping your mother. It's not fair to you that they aren't helping and it's ridiculous. Have you talked to them about your plans?
I don't think you are being selfish, children don't owe their parents for raising them. You are a wonderful and caring person for being there for you mother in her time of need. It is very rare these days for people to care for their parents that way. I took care of my mother for sometime before she passed away.
Although moving away while your mother is ill, if something happens to her while you are away, are you going to be ok with that?
I would talk to your brothers about your plans. Maybe they will work something out, where they can take turns taking care of your mother? Obviously they don't feel selfish in not helping you take care of her.
I hope that this helps. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 We must sacrifice our wants sometimes in order to take responsibility. That is the harsh truth of life.
It is no reason to lose hope though. The title says your mother is ill, what is she ill with? If it is something debilitating, I would think about a nursing home because, they know how to take care of people and they are prepared. But then it becomes a question of finances. Are you financially stable? If not, I suggest you save up in any way you can for your mother and then, when the time comes, you will be free to live your own life.
If it is not an illness, then what else could it be? If it is also a matter of finances, the same suggestion I imposed still applies. Save up for your mother.
You have to remember that this woman gave you life and raised you to become the woman you are today. You owe it to her to take care of her so yes, in a way you are being selfish but it is understandable, I know that it is frustrating to have your dreams pulled so far out of reach. Do not lose hope, everyone can win here.
I hope that helps.
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