A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Maybe I'm opening a can of worms here, but why are so many woman so vehemently against porn? What is there about it that makes it so evil?I read so many questions from women who are disgusted by their partner's porn use. Some consider it as bad as cheating and are thinking about ending their otherwise good relationship over it. I'm a woman and I never got that. Watching the act of sex on a screen doesn't make you complicit, does it?To clarify, by porn I mean videos, not sex-camming or anything else (sexual) that involves communication with someone of the gender you prefer other than your partner. I don't want a guy watching porn while I'm there, but if he does it while I'm away and don't know about it, I don't see the problem. I think it's a rather harmless way to satisfy one's needs. The guy isn't cheating on you, he's just using a visual stimulation. Also, if I've learned one thing in my short life, it's that guys don't like women who try to own them. (And vice versa ofcourse)So what's the big deal?* (*Addiction is ofcourse a wholly different thing, one I'm not discussing here.)
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sunshinesmile +, writes (4 April 2011):
The problem with porn is that it turns a normal loving compassionate selfless person into a selfish greedy pig who only cares to satisfy his or her needs.Believe it or not porn is extremely addicting and many people never get over their addiction. While it may seem strange to you, people who indulge in porn regularly would prefer to sit in front of a computer screen with their hand down their pants than have sex because they can, in their imagination, have as many partners as they want, in any position that they want, whenever and whereever they want. This is the worse selfishness that can creep into the human relationship.If your guy is into porn, it'll start out as him asking you to change your look a bit or to do new things to be more adventurous and as long as you oblige thats fine but when he asks you to do something he's seen on a porn video that you find objectionable (i.e. eat feces) thats where the problem comes in. Also you'll never match up to his ideal woman which causes him to either turn to more porn for comfort or try to find his ideal woman in real life.Porn is unnatural and it had destroyed many good homes and relationships. I know from personal experience. That's why people hate porn. Hope this helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): I have no problem with porn but got very hurt when I found out my boyfriend was watching it behind my back. He had always told me that he had stopped watching porn when he was 16 (he's 21 now) and even when I suggested we watch it together for a few giggles he seemed repulsed at the idea. I'm still with him and I love him but it hurt my trust a lot when I found out about it. I wish he could have just been honest.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): person12345. Many thanks for your post. It takes away all the mystery of why porn is one of the biggest industries in the world.It makes complete sense. It is all about acute arousal which is more like watching a 3D film in the 'taking part; sense.Men that enjoy porn probably wonder why they should give up this amount of pleasure and while they can carry on they will.The trouble is more and more relationships are breaking down as a result of porn and trust issues surrounding it so in summary these men then go on to become a victim of their own 3D pleasure. Sad really.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): I really wouldn't care if my boyfriend watched porn and jerked one out. Maybe he would stop pawing at me every time I walk by. Haha. To tell you the truth we watch porn together. Some women think it cheating and I just think thats absurd. Who cares it's not real. I dunno why some women think this way, but they do. Most likely insecurity.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 March 2011):
 A lot of women consider it cheating. And in reality, your brain feels as though it is physically having sex when you masturbate to porn. When your brain reacts to viewing porn as opposed to masturbating while using your imagination, it reacts extremely differently, in that it engages what are known as mirror neurons. These don't mean you imitate what you see, this means your brain cannot differentiate between what it's seeing and what's happening. So while you masturbate, even if you are consciously able to differentiate, the arousal part of your brain and other parts of your brain just can't. Your brain thinks it's in on the action. That's why people like porn. That's why people say, "I'm not looking at her, I'm looking at the action." Because their brain actually thinks it's in on the action. As well, I have heard from multiple women who have been cheated on and who have found out their partner looks at porn behind her back who feel MORE devastated by the porn use than the cheating.
A lot of women find it degrading and humiliating to women. Several studies have examined the violence against women in porn and all have come up with numbers in the 80% range of porn videos that show violence in some form against women. The other frightening end of that spectrum is that fewer than 5% of these videos show women responding negatively to violence, the overwhelming response by women to violence is neutrality or pleasure. There have been an interesting suite of studies at MIT (I don't even want to know how they got volunteers for this one) where they asked two groups of men to answer questions, such as whether or not they find certain acts acceptable or arousing. One group was asked while "cold" (just sitting in a room) and one was asked while "hot" (masturbating while being asked) and there were significant differences in what they found acceptable (for example, almost all said coercion was not acceptable while cold, but while masturbating said coercion was arousing). As well, when asked if they would rape someone if they knew they could get away with it, around 25% of men (this is just the number across the board from numerous studies) said they might rape someone. After viewing semi-violent (basically what's online today) porn the number jumped into the 50% range temporarily. In a study by the same person, over 60% of men said they get turned on when a woman struggles over sex. A lot of porn features pretty horrific treatment of women (gagging on his penis, forcing her to swallow, forcing her down on her knees, pulling her hair, grabbing her by the neck, etc...). What was absent from the films? Affection of any kind compliments of any kind, any discussion of consent, these sorts of positive portrayals were present in fewer than 5% of films. You just have to read the titles and how they refer to women that the vast vast majority of these videos are not about loving women (women are almost exclusively bitches, sluts, or whores, and the titles always refer to Man [does something to] [insert derogatory name for woman here], frequently playing up the non-consent aspect, such as taking advantage of drunk women.
Men sometimes feel entitled to act out what they've seen. Most videos have some form of anal sex (of which not even 30% of women in a study of over 20,000 said they can even tolerate in terms of pain, let alone enjoy) and many end in cumming on someones face, which is very different from anywhere on someone else's body, it can only be a sign of domination and to humiliate the woman, both of which I have heard from men about why they like cumming on a woman's face during interviews. There are thousands of questions on the web from women who are being pressured into performing like their partner's favorite porn, with a second close being the thousands of questions from men on how they can convince their partner to engage in acts she doesn't want to engage in, without regard to whether she will like the act or find it pleasurable. I just googled how to get girlfriend to do anal and got over 16,000,000 hits for it.
Many women feel like they can't compete with the insanely hot women in porn who are multi-orgasmic all the time and up for anything. And in reality, she can't perform to those standards. The insecurity and jealousy this creates in women is not unfounded. There are so many studies on this I can't even list them here, but they all come to exactly the same conclusion. That men and women who view pornography are significantly less satisfied with their partner's appearance, their sexual curiosity, and the frequency of sex. This has always been examined as cause and effect, not as a correlation. So the pornography did cause the change, it wasn't that unsatisfied partners turned to porn. There have even been studies that show that when men are shown photos of hot airbrushed bathing suit models, just looking at semi-clothed women is enough to make them find their own partners less attractive. So when we're already surrounded by thousands of photos of semi-naked airbrushed to perfection women everyday (which we absorb whether we to or not, everyone thinks they are immune when in reality fewer than 5% truly are) masturbating to porn in private is a real shot to her self-esteem. And as I said before, most studies don't even examine the orgasm part, just the viewing. So I'd imagine putting in that extra reward (which has a similar effect in your brain to cocaine) reinforces the behavior.
It can be addictive. It's estimated that somewhere around 8% of the total population and 15-20% (yes that high) of porn users has a compulsion that effects his or her life negatively.
Most men admit to lying about their porn use at least to some extent. More than 70% of porn users say they have lied to some degree to their partners about their porn habits (whether that is time spent on it, what they are looking at, etc...). So there is a betrayal aspect to it, since he's secretly getting his sexual fix elsewhere.
You're also in the minority. Slightly over half of women do not want their partner viewing porn, with at least a quarter of all women feeling like it's cheating. It's not just silly women being crazy insecure, some women get so depressed by a partner who won't stop looking at porn that they try to kill themselves. This is not a trivial issue for most women.
Sorry for the long answer, but you asked!
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (31 March 2011):
 1.)It’s a natural instinct to be fiercely loved, wanted and protected by one’s mate. Most women in a relationship hate it when their men view porn, because not only does that mean he’s looking at another woman, but he’s also looking at her naked and looking at her having sex with someone. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he’s going to masturbate to it, which implies he’s turned on by what he’s been watching. It’s like a double or triple whammy. 2.)It makes the woman feel like she's not good enough or she can't really please her guy. The most common question is, “Why does he have to resort to porn when he has me”? 3.)Women feel insecure about other attractive women. They might see a good-looking woman in the video and think, "I can never compete with her”4.)There is an element of jealousy involved because women feel they partners are sharing intimate moments with other women.5.)Most porn is made to target the male audience and the people in the films create unrealistic expectations. It could be about physical images or doing things that many women would not be comfortable doing or cannot do. 6.)There is a moral baggage associated with pornography. Many people view it as a “bad” thing and they feel ashamed that their partners expose themselves to such filth.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Excellent answer , DB - I guess it covers it all. Except perhaps my personal objection to porn. Let me clarify right away, though, that I don't HATE porn . I don't personally like it that much, same way I dislike horror movies , soccer and low-rise pants.But I would not feel sad or mad if my man wants to watch horror movies, play soccer or wear low-rise pants , and I would not tell him he has to stop . Same with porn. My problem with porn is that it creates or contributes to the existence of too many bad lovers that ,because of porn, have no clue about how to please a woman and what to do in bed. They learned it all wrong from porn, or they got it right then they unlearned it watching porn. And then, they have to be retrained ,to be of any use. So you'll have guys who'll believe a woman MUST come from intercourse every single time and as fast and noisily as in porn; men that are surprised or disappointed if you don't scream like a banshee or don't adore anal sex ; men that will thrust too fast and furious to make you feel anything , other than annoyance; men that will jump from an awkward position to the next like a drunken acrobat, -men who will skip anything slow, sensual,romantic, tantalizing, titillating, - in favour of a crude, basic genitality , which , as far as I know, does absolutely nothing for a great number of women. And,do we want to talk about the insecurities it creates in MEN ? Maybe if there were less porn around.... we'd have much less " penis questions " on DC ! :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): It's a type of insecure jealousy OP, similar to retrograde jealousy just a different form of the same insecurity.
Most people hate the idea of their partner thinking about anyone else but them. That's a given for most people. Add to that the personal view of a person that porn is morally wrong and you have a person who will hate porn use in their partner. Porn haters become acutely jealous of these women in the porn videos because they want to be the only object of desire in their partners lives, they don't see that the women in those videos aren't objects of desire merely flesh puppets that stimulate our visual senses for a few minutes to make our release quicker much like a vibrator does for them. A lot also compare themselves to the women in porn and don't think they can compete, that doesn't matter to us guys because we never compare because porn stars aren't real, they're actresses in a movie.
They get this idea that they somehow aren't enough for him, or why should a man need to use porn when he has a beautiful girlfriend who is more than willing to satisfy his sexual needs. They just don't get that it's not about sex, it's about release. Masturbation doesn't compare to sex for us guys, I consider masturbation about as sexual as taking a pee. It relieves stress and feels good for a few minutes and that's it.
There's nothing wrong with not liking porn or not being comfortable with your partner using it. Life can be a lot less complicated if you can accept it but it's not a necessity. I guess at the end of the OP people can't help how they feel about it and if they hate it then their reasons are valid and should be accepted. It's not easy to be that insecure and like any other kind of jealousy it can ruin a relationship that is otherwise perfect.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): Yes those reasons are entirely true. I fit into category 2. I think it's totally natural whereas most of my friends think it is disgusting and say how can he masturbate when i give him sex everyday and clearly don't understand that it's not about that.
I try to interact with my bf and find out what he likes about it so i can get involved we have even watched it together.He gets uptight and lies about when why and how though and doesn't like to share when i totally understand and like that he does.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Yeah, this is a can of worms.
1) Some consider it cheating. Like visiting a virtual prostitute. It focuses your sexual energy on someone other than your partner, even if it's only till orgasm.
2) There are usually lots of lies around it. Men lie to cover it up, and that drives women nuts. Especially women who accept it, because they don't understand why there is a need to lie about it anymore. There are many reasons men lie about porn, but that doesn't make any of them right.
3) They are insecure about their own bodies and think that their men don't find them attractive enough. They compare themselves to the plastic women in porn and feel they can't live up to that standard. What they fail to realize is that many men don't care, and love them just the way they are.
4) It interferes with their sex life. Some men do develop addiction problems with porn, and will turn to it instead of their ready and willing partner. Perhaps a bad experience with this in the past or present has caused someone who may have been ok with porn to change their views.
5) They object morally. Some porn is very crude and male focused. It can objectify women and devalue them. Some men who gravitate toward that form of porn will carry over that preference into their sex life. This can make their partner feel like they are nothing but a cum recepticle.
These are a few reasons off the top of my head...
...............................
A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Emotions are often not rational or logical; most people at some point in their lives will find they have no rational explanation for feeling the way they feel; they just feel. Many women feel deeply and inexplicably threatened or hurt when they discover their partner has been watching porn, and because they can't fully explain to themselves why it hurts them so much, they will try to justify it with arguments that come across as flimsy and hypocritical. This is where the miscommunication happens; because the woman is arguing against porn on a 'logical' level, the man will attempt to refute her arguments on a logical level, (understandably) thinking he can 'reason' her feelings into changing. Of course nothing is solved this way, because the issue is not logical, it's emotional. By arguing on a logical level, the real issue of the woman's feelings is totally ignored. My point here? When you're in a relationship, you will sometimes have to compromise, and you won't like it. Who should compromise, the man or the woman? Let's look at the following scenario: You're a man, and your girlfriend or wife expresses to you that your porn-watching habits cause her genuine emotional pain. She doesn't know why, they just do. They make her feel inadequate and cheated on, and when she finds out you've watched porn it ruins her whole day. This is a common complaint from women once they express their issues with porn in terms of emotions. The common argument from men is that porn should not be an issue, because they only watch it out of 'boredom' or as a visual stimulant while masturbating. It means nothing to them. Now, the man and woman here are in a committed relationship and like to claim that they love each other. Who should make the compromise here? The individual who suffers emotional pain and paranoia, or the individual who performs a habit out of boredom? If two people really love each other, this isn't even a question. If you really love someone you will not find it such a big deal to compromise on issues that cause your lover pain. But that's the real issue, isn't it? Love is about actions, not words, and a lot of people who say they love each other don't, not really. I'd say 9 out of 10 complaints we get here from women on their men using porn are from women who clearly shouldn't be with their man anyway, because there is certainly no love in their relationship. So my major point is the following: in a truly loving relationship, porn is not an issue. Either the woman doesn't care or the man doesn't use it, period. For anyone who says that's too black and white, you haven't witnessed or been in a truly loving relationship or marriage, that's all I can say. Sorry for the babble. ;)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): I agree with you, but can see that some women might not like porn, some reasons might include:-it objectifies women, makes us seen as little more than objects to be used for sex-it perpetuates the idea that it is ok for men to view women in this way, and to evaluate us in that way-some of the women in the industry get exploited and coerced into doing stuff they would rather not-there are often scenarios that involve women being treated badly/denigrated-it adds to the general pressure in society on women to look a certain way-it can make women feel less attractive to their partner and more insecure about how their partner feels about their bodies, upsetting the woman and adding unnecessary strain to a relationship
...............................
A
male
reader, Heisenberg +, writes (31 March 2011):
Usually it's because of the objectification of woman that most porn espouses. And, then, of course, there's the absurd idea that one person is all that is needed to fulfill ones needs, which isn't really the case, most times; especially in your age bracket. And that isn't even touching the whole self esteem aspect of it.
...............................
|
