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age
30-35,
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writes: Why do men/women cheat on their husband/wife?Is it just because they can't resist a beautiful person? Is it because they aren't fully committed? Well then, why did they get married in the first place? Is it because their spouse changes?I love my husband, he's amazing. I just want to know, that as long as I stay myself and keep loving him like I always have, and keeping putting forth the effort of the relationship, and don't reject sex, that I am safe from being cheated on. I don't think he would even if I did do all those things. He's too good a man. But then again, cheating happens to good people and bad. I mean, we can't help the way we feel, right? We can only help how we act on those feelings but emotional affairs hurt just the same if not more, as/than physical cheating. How high is the probabililty of this happening to me if I do not stray or change in any way? I don't want to be pointlessly afraid of this, let alone ruin the time we have together by being afraid. What do you guys think?
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male
reader, cheated  +, writes (18 February 2010):
well you can't ever stop someone from cheating. i had given my wife the world and she cheated on me. when i say i had given her the world, i mean she always had love, her own time, help etc. i have been told by a couple of very close female friends that she was so lucky to have someone like me. well where did that get me??? cheated on.to answer some questions that you have, yes you can make it work after happening (we are) but the person who cheated needs to be open with everything that happened. secondly you shouldnt be doing things for your partner that you dont want to just to keep him happy. if your not in the mood for sex then dont do it. dont ponder about him ever cheating as it will only work you up more and more. trust me because thatwhat i had done and i blame myself in someways for here doing it. its kind of like i pushed her to do it.
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male
reader, feniksi  +, writes (17 February 2010):
I cheated on my first girlfriend. I loved her and we stayed together for 7 years (starting from high school - near the end of college).
At first when we were in the same city I did not cheat although I had options. I kind of thought how would it be with another girl (were were both virgins when we met) but did not act on my curiosity.
Then we went to college and I got tired of the long-distance relationship. It was a mixture of missing sex and knowing that I was not ready to commit. I did regret cheating on her, the first time I just felt so bad. The other times it was just so-so sex that is better than masturbating.
After breaking up with my first girlfriend, few months and few girls after I met my next girlfriend that became my wife 3 years later. As soon as we moved together she started controlling me and discovered that sex was something that would really upset me. I stayed faithful throughout our dating and ~also during our short marriage. But things got really bad. I never had trouble attracting girls and I had options to cheat but I did not because I think it is wrong and I did not want to hurt her. But using sex to control me really pissed me off.
I wrote some emails, (did not do anything because I did not really want to) but I thought about cheating with another married woman, just to get laid and I decided to file for divorce.
She found out about the emails and we talked and I thought we could work it out but deep down she never forgave me. SHE cheated on me with at least 3 different people and gave me a common STD. She wanted to swap with other couple but I am not into that although I am VERY sexually active. I think she lied to me and possibly cheated before getting married as well.
Moral of the story? For me cheating was because of a physical need and for her it was because she was that kind of a person.
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (15 August 2009):
 Oh I agree we all function differently. Thats why I posted about each of us having their own threshold. And yours appears to be very high. Just hope for the best, and prepare for the worst.I don't think you insecure at all. Your high threshold proves that. I just hate to see anyone on Earth agonize over these type of things. I would'nt wish a cheater on my worse enemy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI seem inscure? Well, maybe I am, but really i'm just trying to be proactive. Fix a problem to the best of my abilities before it rises.
Thanks your all your inputs.
I'm beginning to realize how important a sex life is. I haven't gotten any in QUITE some time (he's away) so I can see that it would be rather frustrating to be without a sexual relationship but I would never go elsewhere for it.
Devestated2008, I love what you had to say. You sound like you've said it many times before, but it's something i've never heard before. Something to take into consideration.
And I think that you are all right. I would forgive as long as he was remorseful. I would be hurt to no end, but I love him and there are many things I love about him. I know you hate to hear it Grimm, but I guess we all function differently. But then again, from what i've heard of your story, it seems unforgiveable. Guess i'll just have to hope for the best and if the worst comes along, see where it takes us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): some people cheat no matter what their partner does. their partner may be beautiful, loving, sexually stimulating, loyal, their best friend, the list oges on. they cheat because they want to and because they can. so no matter what the other ones does, how much hurt they cause, devastation in their wake, its all about them and their justification for their affair. they cheat because they are selfish, morally corrupt, insecure, devoid of emotions. it is all about them and their belief that they are entitled to it. it is no rocket science. people cheat because they can and because they want to. simple.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): Yes, SY, if you consider emotional cheating as falling in love with the other person instead of just the physical enjoyment, then I agree that it would be worse than just having sex for some reason. If a partner is having sex because it is missing in their relationship then that can likely be resolved. If the marriage is so bad that they need both the physical and emotional part elsewhere then there is likely much more wrong with the marriage. Both of those parts of an affair are cheating.
Some people probably cheat because it gives them the confidence that they lack. However, others cheat because their partner does not give them what everyone needs, that being mainly love and affection and to a somewhat lesser extent, sex. All 3 of those are necessary for a happy marriage. By sex, I don't just mean screwing, but also all the affection and caring for the partner that goes with good sex.
Everyone needs to feel wanted and loved. If those feelings are not present in a marriage then it will result in a person having low confidence. It might be their own fault or it might be the fault of a non-caring and non-loving partner. When it is the fault of the partner then it should not be a surprise if that person seeks it elsewhere. If it is a surprise, then the partner is out of touch with the needs of people. Relationships are not a simple matter. They are complex. People who try to treat them as simple are probably doomed to failure in relationships.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): stop worrying, just do your best to be a good wife and a good friend to your husband. the passion might fade but the friendship,respect and love will hold you together....but if at the end of the day, he still cheat, at least you did your best and maybe its meant to be.... its fate.
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male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (15 August 2009):
 It is very hard to tell which men will cheat and which will not. Maybe 20-25% of men are genuinely good men (or have low sex drives) and wouldn't cheat under any circumstances and then at the other end you have the obvious players / womanizers etc. but in the middle you a big group, the majority, who will cheat if the opportunity presents itself and the risk is perceived to be low. One might divide cheating by a husband into 2 categories: where there is a problem or unhappiness in the marriage and where there appears to be none. I have no experience of the first category and can only write about the second. You are likely pretty safe during the early days of a marriage. Very few men are going to cheat during that early stage, even if they have the opportunity but 5, 6, 7+ years in you need to start to watch out especially if there are young children in the family and he ceases to be the absolute centre of your attention. Practically speaking if you want to reduce the risk of being cheated on then you have to reduce the opportunities that he has. In my experience the following all substantially increase the risk that a husband who genuinely loves you will cheat on you:- business travel / especially international travel - this is a big one as the real and perceived risks of being caught reduce dramatically as distance from home increases. If you live in a small or medium sized town then the risks to him of being caught are very high if he has an affair with someone local. If however he is regularly taking business trips to Asia of South America then the perceived risk of cheating is very low. - being his own boss - cheating / having an affair takes time. If your husband has the ability to disappear for 3 or 4 hours without anyone needing to know where he is then that creates an opportunity. If your husband is tied to a desk in an office or has to account to an employer for all his time then he isn't going to have so much opportunity to cheat.- money - having affairs generally costs money. From the beginning of your marriage structure your financial affairs so that everything is shared and you have full visibility to what is going on. - being a drinker, even a modest about of drink lowers inhibitionsbaddog
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (15 August 2009):
 There are several reasons. Lets presume that he isn't just an immoral prick.
Then sometimes people stray simply because they have started to take things for granted. The partner is no longer someone special but something that comes with the house. Oh sure, if he/she was gone you would miss her/him terribly but he/she ain't. So you don't.
And if you take something for granted, it is easy to ignore it. To forget about it. And if we ourselves feel taken for granted, well then we might react to someone who doesn't.
But really, you say that cheating happens to both good and bad people. No, it doesn't.
A good person wouldn't need to either be constantly re-assured they still got it or take their partner for granted.
Cheating ain't something that just happens. People who claim that just don't want to take responsibility for their own actions. It is an easy excuse but only works if you don't think people have free will.
Don't let all the bad news get you down. As the first poster said, we don't hear much about people with normal happy lives. Reading this site you might think every relationship has to be a disaster but that just ain't the truth.
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male
reader, JSBach  +, writes (15 August 2009):
It takes two to tango. As long as you remain loving, kind and don't deny him sex, you certainly will reduce the chances of him cheating. The rest is up to him.
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (15 August 2009):
Once again, as I have stated before, everyone has their threshold of how much BS they will take from their partner. some will take a huge amount and stay with their partner because the devil they know is better than the devil they dont.
Many people find themselves in that position. And if that works for them, and they can stay happy knowing that, then I guess it;s their affair entirely.
Some people really do it because the person they cheart with of course fills a void for them. And the excitement. But those who do it for some excitement reason or even the void reason are usually disappointed at the end result. The person that we cheat with are all fine and good as long as we keep the perception of the pleasure we derive from it.
But when the reality sets in(for instance if someone leaves a husband or wife for the lover)the excitement they got is short lived. Life with the lover on a daily basis is way different than with the lover we leave to go home to our spouses with.
Just my opinion, but I am sure the last thing on a cheater's mind is that thought. That is why sometimes the guilt is real. Because cheaters usually realise way too late that the green grass they sought on the other side is usually more faded and old as the grass they just left.
my two cents on the emotional cheating...I think in a lot of ways emotional cheating is 10 times as injurious. Just having so little confidence in a partner to the point of seeking out compliments from strangers, co-workers, somebody who smiled at you, etc. is beyond me
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female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (15 August 2009):
 If you treasure your relationship with your husband don't ever take it for granted. Learn not to criticize and how to keep yourself happy. Don't not change... change and growth is necessary and healthy just don't grow apart. And don't ever let him take you for granted either... giving unconditionally is not always healthy... he needs to always feel like you need him and that requires him to be giving. You are right not to want to be fearful but there is such a thing as healthy jealousy and that is what you need to protect what is yours. You don't leave your house, car or valuables unlocked and unprotected... well your husband is your most valuable "possession" don't leave him vulnerable either.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (15 August 2009):
 You seem insecure. The answer to your question can generally be grouped into a few areas:
1. Marital bordeom. Some spouses once they have settled into the marital grand ennui, tend to forget all the qualities and little things that attracted them to each other. The routine takes over and kills what was once the great romance. The key to solving that mystery is to grow together and constantly explore new experiences both in and out of the bedroom. People who marry and have healthy, loving relationships thrive when they work together on different and new things. New experiences create new fantasies and realities that work their way into their intimacy.
2. Lack of communication. Spouses grow apart as careers, children and other things get in the way of a once thriving relationship. Rather than make an effort to bring back the spark, they go separate ways and seek out others.
3. One spouse changes or never was that way. When people date and go out with one another, they are on their best behavior. So that cute guy or girl that you just wanted to know seems so attractive. But once the vows are exchanged the darker half comes out and you've married a monster. Some people try and stick it out, hoping to change the non-cheating spouse and ultimately rather than divorce, seek out the company of persons who will satisfy their needs without destroying the marriage. In this case the marriage is an illusion, a fraud, or in some cases a shrieking fraud.
4. One spouse is a serial philanderer. There is plenty of love and desire in the marriage, sparks are flying, but the cheater just has to have extramarital relations to spice up the marriage. These goonies and goblins scarf up sexual and emotional tricks from their unsuspecting victims, and then incorporate them into their own marriage to strengthen it. The victims are used and discarded like toys or props.
5. One spouse loves the other, and is committed to support him or her, but is no longer in love with the non-cheating spouse. The thought of divorce or separation and harming the non-cheating spouse is not very palatable, and so they go through the motions domestically and have a hot steamy meal outside the marriage.
6. Disability or severe handicap. One spouse is severely disabled or institutionalized, or otherwise incapable of being a loving and supportive spouse. Being human, the cheating spouse seeks out relationships out of basic human need.
7. Being taken for granted or simply ignored. One spouse is being ignored or taken for granted by the other. And despite repeated demands, pleas, begging, and downright groveling, the neglectful spouse eventually drives the cheating spouse to find another person to meet his or her basic relationship needs.
I can think of other reasons but these are the biggies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEh, I accidently pushed enter.
I would like to know how the relationships you mentioned, Gina have gotten better after cheating has occured, I find that interesting.
What would ya'll do if your partner cheated? i do wonder how many people cheat and stay married, and actually become happy. I couldn't see myself divorcing my husband for any reason. I used to think I would if he ever cheated, but lately i've been thinking, not even then.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I'm really not too worried about it, I just want to make sure that I am doing my part to keep this relationship in tact. I've heard people blame themselves for their cheater's behaviour (denying sex, being mean). That's not to say the cheater is justified I mean, if they're unhappy, they should tell their partner before telling the rest of the world by getting ni bed with someone else.
And when I say emotional cheating, I don't mean flirting, etc. if you don't consider those particular things cheating. I mean it relevant to each relationship. If I were to fall in love with someone else and be thinking of them all the time instead of my husband, then I would consider myself emotionally cheating.
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (15 August 2009):
We cheat because we care for no one but ourselves.
Simple as that
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female
reader, r0ckah0l1c +, writes (15 August 2009):
I used to worry constantly about this, and reading questions on dearcupid didn't help with my worries. But I realized, at the end of the day you just have to look at your partner and who they are, evaluate your relationship, and be confident in yourself unless proven otherwise. Its not worth the hassle to worry constantly and it will strain your relationship. Just make sure you maintain good communication, compromise, and never take one another for granted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): Neither my wife nor I have ever cheated, either on each other or on our first spouses. We have been together for over 30 years and married for more than 23 years. We have had some problems, but we have always worked hard to solve them instead of running away from them. In my mind, that is the secret to a good relationship. If a couple do this then the chances of wither cheating are greatly reduced.
I believe that people cheat because something is missing from their marriage. It might be sex, affection, understanding or anything like that. I think that it is most often the lack of affection, as sex usually goes along with affection. When one partner does not show any affection and continually rejects the others needs then that person is more likely to cheat. I'm sure that some do it just for the excitement or for wanting to do what they missed out on before getting married, but I think those are less common than cheating because of lack of a loving relationship. Perhaps I am wrong, as I have not really studied cheating thoroughly. I just base it on what I read here and on other boards.
As you stated, there is emotional cheating and physical cheating. If you have read some of my answers on emotional cheating or flirting, you will know that my wife and I don't really consider that cheating, as long as there is no physical involvement. If it is just for emotional support when that is lacking at home then we don't consider it cheating. When one partner just flirts with someone and uses the other person as a shoulder to cry on and to discuss their mutual problems then we don't consider it cheating. It is a sign that there is something wrong with the marriage that the 2 partners can't work out themselves, or have been unwilling to try. Non-sexual affairs are more like using that other person as a close friend, sort of like your amateur psychologist. It might start as just someone to discuss a problem with. If both have a problem in their marriages, then something closer than a friendship could evolve. I'm betting that this happens more than we know and never progresses to physical cheating. A lot of people do that here on the board with members of the opposite sex. I'm sure that some harmless flirting happens here too. As we are all distant and somewhat anonymous, it is nearly impossible to carry this farther. The danger of a relationship with a person who is available is that it could become physical.
I think that if both partners work to discuss their problems and solve them and show each other love and affection then the chances of cheating are low. The chance is never impossible, but an open and loving relationship greatly lowers the chances of it happening. I can't assign a probability to this, as I have not read studies on cheating. I would bet that some psychologists have studied it and published a paper with the statistics though.
SY, you worry too much about this. It is fine to be aware of it and to make sure that you work to keep your marriage happy and stable. However, trying to think of everything that could happen will only make you worry unnecessarily about things that will never happen. You will eventually be unhappy over that which never happens instead of being happy over what you have that is good.
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female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (15 August 2009):
 When people cheat it is often for selfish reasons. Its like having an extra sweet from the jar. They dont need it but have it because of the buzz of it. Thats the basis for cheating.
Please do not get yourself wrapped up in suppose it happens. Enjoy your relationship. Keep it alive. However, dont be the one making all the effort...he needs to as well.
Many relationships have survived cheating. Its not a nice thing to go through but if you love each other and communicate well you will over come it. It is often a sign of a weak man or woman. They love their wife/husband but found it hard to resist. Communication is the key.
Best wishes.
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