A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,I am going to ask few questions which might offend some of you if they do please pardon me and try understanding my query. I have few basic questions about life which I want you to answer but before that let me give you some insight about myself. I am 28 year old moderately successful man. I hold a BS in Telecommunications and an MBA from an Ivy League University. I currently work for a Telecom Major at a respectable position. As a manager all my juniors vouch for the fact that I am a courteous and understanding person, who is willing to walk an extra mile to help others. To the best of knowledge (which I agree may not be not great) all this should qualify me as at least a decent guy.Now, I don’t call myself as great looking as Richard Gere but I cannot be termed as ugliest thing walking in world. I am a non-smoker, non-drinker and I don’t do anything that can be considered a serious flaw in my lifestyle which makes me dangerous to society. With all this information in you hand If I tell you that not even a single girl (Married, unmarried, good, bad, fat, slim, ugly all inclusive) has ever considered me worth while giving me a second glance let alone dating does it sound odd. I reemphasize that despite being 28 years old I am yet to go on a single date. I tried working hard on this front of my life, read a lot of books, joined co-activities etc however, nothing clicked. Now since past two years in-order to fill in the gaps of loneliness and physical desires I have been visiting prostitutes. In fact I lost my virginity during paid sex. Sex with escorts is neither very satisfying (as it lacks emotional intimacy) nor is vey safe (although I always use protection) but it helps you get over your physical urges. Last week one of the female employees in my office got to know that I have been using escorts to help myself stay in control of things. The lady came to me and told that I am the most savage person she has ever seen, I am responsible for exploitation of women in the world, I am devoid of any moral turpitude and people like me should be put behind the bars as we are dangerous to the society. I quietly heard her say all the nasty things to me for the choices I have made in my life but I want to ask a few question to the world as well. 1. What right society has over me to accept their social customs, when they don’t even consider me a part of it? Even animals have biological urges which they have rights to satisfy then why am I being considered mean to satisfy them. 2. How reasonable is society to expect me to stay chaste all my life and for whom when no one wants me. 3. Given the fact that my visiting escort makes me untouchable for women of dignity, why should I mend my ways now when I know that I shall never be accepted with honor no matter what I do now. 4. How is a man who pays for sex worse then wife-beaters, Serial cheaters, pathological Liars and even convicted felons who all enjoy emotional and physical intimacy with their respective partners? Why should he be put behind bars for something most of you get free while he is forced to pay?5. Am I the only man in the world who seems to be suffering from this disorder or do other people have faced this problem and were they able to change things for themselves.
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escort, liar, lost my virginity, prostitute, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Crocker  +, writes (27 October 2015):
Go ahead and enjoy yourself and fuck the begrudges.
Be nice to the girls though and even give them a tip.
I use them and could not imagine been with women as beautiful otherwise.
Life is short so enjoy yourself.
A
female
reader, Anonyma  +, writes (23 September 2014):
 1. What right society has over me to accept their social customs, when they don’t even consider me a part of it? Even animals have biological urges which they have rights to satisfy then why am I being considered mean to satisfy them.50% of society consists of women. I guess we do tend to judge men according to their behaviour.Animals don't rape or seek to advance themselves where only money will buy them sex. You obviously have two good hands and you have brains. So do what decent people do, take care of yourself when the urge comes over you, but don't buy bodies.2. How reasonable is society to expect me to stay chaste all my life and for whom when no one wants me.At 28 you can hardly say no one will want you. You've roughly 40-50 years before you yet. Lower your expectancies and you might get luckier than you think. It is my experience that men who are at best a2 or 3 still expect women to be at least an 8 or 9 and of course younger than they are for mates (or even just lovers). Seek a mate among women who look like you, and you very probably will soon find one who doesn't do it for money.3. Given the fact that my visiting escort makes me untouchable for women of dignity, why should I mend my ways now when I know that I shall never be accepted with honor no matter what I do now.Because the more often you do it, the less respect you show women as a whole, and the worse your sexual and relationship habits and expectations get. Man up, become self-sufficient, go out and do something. Don't walk around with a hang-dog expression either. Life and the world doesn't owe you a mate. That doesn't excuse abusing women.4. How is a man who pays for sex worse then wife-beaters, Serial cheaters, pathological Liars and even convicted felons who all enjoy emotional and physical intimacy with their respective partners? Why should he be put behind bars for something most of you get free while he is forced to pay?He isn't worse, he is as bad. Prostitution is abuse.5. Am I the only man in the world who seems to be suffering from this disorder or do other people have faced this problem and were they able to change things for themselves.There are lots of people around like this. Newsflash: my now partner was a virgin till he was 39. He didn't go to prostitutes. He is a sweet, respectful, shy guy, not at all bad looking, and it was the most wonderful gift to show him what love and sex are. I cherish him, and one reason I cherish him for is that he respects women too much to buy them.
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A
male
reader, Stijn De Bakker +, writes (15 April 2012):
I don't understand why u still give a shit about this society, i don't and i have never been so happy,
Women discriminate against men when it comes to chosing sexual partners so you should feel guilty about hating them for it. It's normal, if it wasn't gonzo porn would be the main stream porn on the internet. The most important thing in life is finding a good job everything else you can buy just visit you're family more and find a nice escort fo mate with on regular basis and you will see you're life is pretty good. A relationship also has it downs, the women gets older, she wan't kids, it's also a finacial commitment and you can loose everything when devorced i know a lot of devorced men would be jealous off the life you leading, no worry's a good carreer, sleeping with different girls etc.... you living the dream, you will see when you finnaly find someone you never had it better. !!!
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A
male
reader, Stijn De Bakker +, writes (15 April 2012):
I don't understand why u still give a shit about this society, i don't and i have never been so happy,
Women discriminate against men when it comes to chosing sexual partners so you should feel guilty about hating them for it. It's normal, if it wasn't gonzo porn would be the main stream porn on the internet. The most important thing in life is finding a good job everything else you can buy just visit you're family more and find a nice escort fo mate with on regular basis and you will see you're life is pretty good. A relationship also has it downs, the women gets older, she wan't kids, it's also a finacial commitment and you can loose everything when devorced i know a lot of devorced men would be jealous off the life you leading, no worry's a good carreer, sleeping with different girls etc.... you living the dream, you will see when you finnaly find someone you never had it better. !!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): Under the condition that it is voluntary, I don't see this as an issue of using someone or exploiting them. Everyone has a talent set that they use in life to get what they want. Do we exploit a mechanic, doctor or the guy/girl working in Macdonalds? They are using what they have to make a living. Thats all. They have chosen to use the talents they have to make a living. If a woman chooses to exploit her assets to make a living, it isn't exploitation. What it really comes down to is morality, which is an individuals opinion but not a universal truth. However, the catch is it must be the woman's choice. If not, then it truly is exploitation and violates a woman's freedom to select her own way in life.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 Wait a sec...hold the phone. You're Indian?
Im sorry your nationality is none of my business BUT if you're a good Indian boy with tons of expectations from the parents and society about finding the right girl to settle down with, maybe that is where the problem has crept in.
You have an engineering degree, an MBA, you've done everything right in the book. Are you frustrated because despite all this you haven't found anyone to call your own? Indian families have tremendous expectations from their children, society is still very judgmental and there is undue, uncalled-for pressure upon young people to be "perfect". The perfect degree, the perfect partner, the perfect wedding, the perfect marriage....This could be a major reason.
I may be completely wrong of course, so pardon me for that, but I'm just taking a wild guess here...
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 Again, get out and about where the girls are, and you do not have to elaborate about your past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your great responses. It seems writing is on the wall women hate men who visit escorts. I kind of understand their emotions. However, they should also realize no man would pay for this if he could get physical intimacy otherwise. Sad part is no matter how much money I spend I can never get love and emotional intimacy ever in my life. No matter how hard you try you can’t make someone fall for you. You know you are the biggest failure in the town when you know there is no reason to go back home after a hard days work.Regards,Vineet
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A
male
reader, elkabong +, writes (17 March 2011):
I was in a bad relationship and I ended seeing prostitutes to feel better. Its totally understandable, everybody has needs and your not a sinner because you satisfied those needs, your just human. The real problem is, you need a woman who appreciates you for you. That said, I would HIGHLY suggest you visit another country, like Mexico, Colombia, Peru, Venezuela. Meets some girls on the net and go visit them. Alot of these girls want a man for money,and alot of them just want love. Latin men cheat and they know this. All the women on this site act as if its YOUR fault these girls sell their bodies, well its NOT. PREPARE for your future mate (workout, learn to dance, whatever), when you feel you are ready seek her out!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Talk about exploitation, I totaly agree. I went to Amsterdam a short while ago with my nephews and a few of their friends, they all tasted the fruits of the prostitutes, and after adding up the money they had spent I toataly agree there is exploitation. I wish I earned a third of what the prostitues earned that day, and they didn't look that unhappy!!!!!!!SHADOW
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Once again .....you are been told you should feel bad. COMPASSION!TO (anon agony aunt) who say's this man has no human compassion and is not decent and should blah blah ...........You were not very 'compassionate' yourself towards this man and have stuck the same boot in as his co-worker.when he is obviously quite upset by his co-workers SAVAGE JUDGEMENT ON HIM ALREADY. I am sure this man is a decent man and has no reason to feel ashamed. Repressing natural instinct is not good and quite alot of files have not been released on those that live their life REPRESSING sexual instinct, say no more. Not all prostitutes are exploited and some could be said to be doing the exploiting themselves, quite willingly and fully aware and some women ACTUALLY LIKE LOTS OF SEX,and choose to make a living out of it. If two ADULTS BOTH CONSENT legally and exchange cash for sex that is their choice, and is not for us to throw stones. The other thing is, this man hopefully WILL find a loving relationship one day with a special person who is loving and non judgmental and only feels his spirit....maybe even a virgin......it's attitudes like his co-worker etc that probably make him feel like an outcast. You are not bad or evil and the sooner you stop listening to comments like this and feeling guilty the lighter you will become. I bet many many of those that don't visit prostitutes because it;s discusting....do visit them in fantasy but that's hidden. Live your life as you see fit...love thy neighbour.spunky monkey
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): It is naive of you to assume that women who work as prostitutes are happy with their lives and situations. Most women don't aspire to be prostitutes. Commonly, women who work as prostitutes do it as a last resort if they are in a dire financial situation. Many of them are drug users or have had bad upbringings with limited choices. There are charities that help prostitutes with emotional and psychological issues because generally, people don't react well emotionally to being prostitues. This is the reason why the women at your workplace reacted that way. It's unfortunate that you can't find a date or a woman to have sex with you without being paid for it. You might be sexually frustrated ,but really, that's no reason to exploit vulnerable people in bad situations. Just consider your sister or mother, or even if you had a daughter, having no choice but to work as a prostitute with strange men lunging on her night after night. I'm sure you are repulsed by the idea and would feel enraged towards the men that took advantage of her.You will either have to masturbate to "control yourself" or else work on getting a girlfriend. But, at this stage, exploiting prostitutes shows such a lack of human compassion and decency that I doubt you will find a girlfriend. Most women and indeed many men are disgusted at the idea of vulnerbale women being exploited like this.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (14 March 2011):
Well, I think that you could be as successful as most any other man in finding and maintaining a relationship with a female companion who would appreciate you as much as you would enjoy her friendship and pleasures. It is impossible for me to assess what may be deterring your ability to develop a relationship, but in my life, the number one thing is to "expose" yourself to possibilities.
In other words, do not expect women to be knocking on your door if you are being a recluse. Go out and see what happens, repeatedly, even when it seems unproductive much of the time. You may eventually score by smiling at young women about your age - at a bar, in class, at work or even in a grocery store.
Smile more! Just increase your odds!
To answer your question, more or less, I think that your past can remain your personal info. You are still plenty young enough to put a past behind. Many folks do. Think about the escorts, they (or she) can also move on in life if desired. Keep in mind - nobody is perfect.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (14 March 2011):
Your colleagues response was totally out of line. Take it from a lady.
First of all, what you or anyone else does, is not of anyone's concern, IF it does not affect them/society in a negative way. But this moral policing was totally uncalled for.
Here's why. For starters, prostitution in Australia is governed by state and territory laws, so it is legal. You are not toying with the laws in any way.
I do have a problem though with the way that you've almost accepted that society doesn't consider you as a part of it. Where did that come from?? Just because you've never had any female attention in your life or because your colleague made a completely out-of-line comment? If its the former, then you should know that u are not the only one out there. Many of our other posters have reiterated the fact. If its the latter, then it goes to show that your self esteem has hit rock bottom. By accepting that you are a social outcast, u are in fact, proving your colleague right. Which means somewhere in your subconscious you feel that whatever you're doing is wrong. (again, very subjective)
Which brings us right back to Shawncaff's answer about a moral element.
Dont go by the standards of society. Who determines what is right anyway? Visiting escorts is not wrong per se, it just brings with it a gamut of latent manifestations. You have already given up on yourself, because somewhere deep down you yourself feel you might be wrong. If not, you would never have posted this question. This is further eroding away your sense of self worth and in your "i give up" attitude, you are jeopardizing possible future relationships.
Please dont give up on life. You are not a bad person. Hope you have a great life ahead!!
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A
female
reader, missy_musk +, writes (14 March 2011):
 Ok first off i am going to start off by telling you that if females choose to sell their bodies for sex then that is their choice. But the female employee that said those things to you in work is entitled to her opinion. On the other hand, if someone offered her a million pounds to sleep with someone i bet you anything she would-hell i would! so ignore her and her comments. but on a serious note, you seeing prostitutes and escorts will totally mess up your chances of meeting a woman, what happens if you meet the woman of your dreams and she somehow discovers you have used escorts? she wouldnt like it and it could terminate a relationship. so i think you need to stop seeing them and start seeing yourself as a decent, hardworking and i suspect passionate man. You need to show the ladies what you have to offer and i think you need to start gaining some confidence within yourself. You will find love, it takes time but when you do you will know it was worth the wait!! please feel free to mail me if you wanna ask me anything!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Hi - I hope you don't mind having a woman respond to your question?
Can I first say that "shawncaff's" answer to your question is excellent. Apart from his being male and being able to relate to you on a level I cannot, he has a very balanced outlook you would do well to take notice of.
I think your female co-worker was totally out of order in what she said to you. For a start it is absolutely none of her business and she had no right to approach you about it at all. How did she find out anyway?
I have always thought that people (male and female) who work within the sex industry should have the protection of the law. If they must (and remember for a great many this is not a career choice, but something they have been forced into because of a drug habit, or by people who have influence over them. Many people who work in the sex industry have also been victims of child sex abuse and/or sexual violence...) earn money this way, society should protect them.
Shawncaff is absolutely right in what he says, there is a moral question of whether or not it is right to use another human being in this way. That is something for your own conscience to deal with. Would you be happy to have any member of your family work in the sex industry? Probably not.
Why on earth would you consider yourself to be some kind of outcast and "outwith" the bounds of normal society? You are obviously a very intelligent young man, your qualifications and career are impressive - do your achievements in life not bring you some sense of pleasure or pride? They should.
How have women you have approached rejected you? Have you asked many women out? If so, how do you approach them?
Please don't believe, as "Odds" would suggest, that all women only like the "bad boys" or want to be dominated - it's simply not true. Yes, some women go through life being attracted to the wrong kind of men, this doesn't make these women bad or unworthy of respect, it simply identifies them as bad judges of character - for which they suffer, much worse than you are suffering now.
If you choose to use prostitutes, that is a matter for you and your conscience, but I believe if that is the only kind of contact you have with women you will negatively affect any possiblity of sustaining a relationship in the future.
Don't give up on finding a girlfriend. Go back to clubs, social activities and just talk to them. I presume you have no problem striking up a conversation, so just talk. Don't always be focussed on "getting a girlfriend".
Do you have friends (male and female) with whom you socialise? Go out with them and just have fun.
I imagine if you explore the other areas of "dearcupid" you may find hints on how to approach women.
We (women) are not the enemy, we much prefer the nice, normal guys, and, just like you, are worthy of respect and love.
I wish you a happy, healthy and peaceful life. Don't give up!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): HiI think the worst situation you have here, is the judgmental and 'SAVAGE' gossip monger who has done a very dirty deed by saying cruel words to you and even blaming you, she talks complete rubbish . We all view prostitution in differently, once upon a time they were held in high esteem,but that is a different area of debate and a different time. You have nothing to be ashamed about and nobody to answer to. You are worthy of a loving relationship and yes this is always the best. DIGNITY? I sopose your co-worker who said these things to you BELIEVES she is a woman of DIGNITY, not a chance... Spunky Monkey :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your co-worker. One of the unfortunate parts of our society now is that many people have become hyper-judgemental, for fear of being judged themselves. Although there might be some moral issues about visiting prostitutes, as shawncaff has talked about, often people don't think about what drives someone to do something that society sees as 'wrong'. It could be that your coworker is very feminist, but the biggest mistake people make when they pass judgements is not to look at the other side of the coin. Should we assume that people who visit prostitutes are sexist pigs, or should we be more realistic and take into account that many people (such as yourself), do it from lonelieness and a desire to feel a connection with someone?
Rejection is hard to take. From your description, you sound like a nice person, who just needs a little confidence boost. There will be someone out there who will understand your use of escorts if you explain your reasons behind it. Something to think about though, is what kind of effect the sex is having on you. You don't want to end up in a position where you associate sex with emotional detatchment.
Also, you won't be the only 28 year old who isn't dating all the time. When you develop the confidence to love yourself, the right person will come along, and being with her will mean more than the strings of dates that people seem to have been on.
Chin up, and best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, lush2010 +, writes (13 March 2011):
I guess you have to be a woman to understand colleagues response fully. So although i can see you've had some feed back from other males on here, the point is that as a woman , we feel more protective of other women. We know that sex for us is very different experience , than it is for men. Our bodies are more sensitive, we are used to be used by men, we are often lied to by men who are interested in getting sex, we are physically weaker then men. And i honestly believe its so so sad to see that women see a market in having to selling themselves - not because they want to , but for whatever financial hardship theyre experiencing in their lives - they feel they have no other options than to sell sex. The point is , whether you pay these women because youre lonely and have sexual needs is besides the point - you need to get out of your own head for a minute and see that its not just about you , when you exploit a girl for sex. You are taking advantage of her need for money , and allowing her to do nothing positive to help her self by using her for sex. You play a much bigger and important part in these girls than you can imagine - so forget about your needs for a moment and realise, that what youre doing is immoral and it is disgusting. I feel so even more strongly because i am a woman and i cannot imagine how truly awful these girls lives must be, and i cannot understand why you would want to help play a part in that .
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (13 March 2011):
 "If I tell you that not even a single girl... has ever considered me worth while giving me a second glance let alone dating does it sound odd."
Nope. Sounds normal. You have acquired all the traditional markers of a good, decent, and honorable man, but unfortunately, those don't get you chicks in this day and age. Lots of guys make that mistake. Sad truth is, the only thing that matters romantically is your ability to attract women, not to benefit the world.
"The lady came to me and told that I am the most savage person she has ever seen..."
Ignore her. In fact, ignore any girl who tells you how you "should" act but doesn't actually date or sleep with guys who act that way. Women who sleep with thugs and assholes are far more dangerous to society than guys who go to escorts (since they rduce the aggreaget amle incentive to be good people). Just don't sleep with one who's too drug-addled to know what she's doing.
1) Consider society and legality as seperate entities. now, you're benefiting from the protection of the law, so you should follow the law in turn (I don't know if prostitution is legal in New Zealand). However, if society is not going to benefit you, there is no reason for you to mingle with society. Go your own way.
2) It is completely unreasonable.
3) Define "woman of dignity." It certainly isn't your co-worker, who's first response was to excoriate you rather than ask why you would make such a decision.
4) The assholes you describe have the dominant, narcissistic, sociopathic, risk-taking, and manipulative behaviors that are most efficient at turning women on. It's possible to have those traits in moderation, under your command, and attract women while being a good man, but difficult. Google "Dark Triad traits." People in general will forgive the worst sins in men they respect or are attracted to, and condemn less dominant men for even the smallest failing.
5) Plenty of guys face this problem. For a long time, I didn't have much success, either.
Now, don't hate women for their choices. Modern life does not penalize them for following their instinctual desire for a dominant, alpha-male type; for most of history, choosing a dependable provider-type male was the only way for them to survive. The safety of modern society has that drawback, which I would not mind if someone bothered to tell young men that being dependable and honorable no longer gets you laid.
Overcoming the issue is a long, difficult process of learning to be dominant, confident, and masculine. You'll have to face repeated rejection while you calibrate your bheavior and personality to walk the fine line of real confidence - the kind people want to listen to and follow, without being told to. You have to learn not to care what other people think or say - by completely ignoring it, rather than by acting contrary. Make women earn your attention and affection - show some hint that them you're worthwhile, then silently refuse to actually do anything nice for them until they've worked for it. Stop listening to what women say and start observing what they respond to. And never, ever apologize for anything.
I wish I could offer you some lines or routines or something, but they don't work. It's all attitude. Once you master that, it's all just taking every chance you get to meet women until you find one who you can respect - then when you're with her, you continue acting the way you did when you first attracted her, rather than regressing back to the guy you were before. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (13 March 2011):
 Hi,
First, I think your co-worker was way out of proportion in what she says. Visiting prostitutes may be immoral (see below) but it is far from a savage act compared to many others in society (murder, rape, robbery, etc.).
But then there are the other parts of your question: you claim that since society has shunned you, it has no rights over you. I would first like challenge the idea that society "does not consider you part of it." You have a good and respectable job and you are recognized for your skills. As for women, I challenge you when you say no one has ever given you the time of day.
Have you ALWAYS been rejected by EVERY woman you asked out? Every single one? Usually when I hear that, there is always a caveat ("Well, there were a few girls, but they were too fat or they were not smart, etc.") Dating is not easy but I think every person has both rejected and has been rejected.
Now, as for visiting prostitutes, yeah, there is a morally problematic element to it. The problem is that you are using another person. Of course, the person accedes to be used. But that still does not make it any less morally troubling. Many may take issue with this, saying that if the person agrees to be used, then what is wrong with that? We can debate this further, but ultimately I believe using another person in such an intimate way is robbing that person of human dignity. I think the hollow feeling you describe afterwards is evidence of that.
I knew a very pretty girl who did escort work. It had a deep effect on her, isolating her from people (because she could never tell them what she did) and causing her to have a low opinion of men, and also making her suppress her emotions so they would end up coming out in other inappropriate ways. Does a man who uses her bear some responsibility for messing her up? I think yes to some degree, even though she chose that lifestyle.
Also, very significantly, seeing prostitutes may impact on your drive to meet a mate. If you are satisfying your urges in this way, your drive may diminish, and you will feel less motivated to have a real relationship.
So, in summary, no, you are not evil nor an outcast. But you are engaging in a behavior that is destructive to the girls you see and just as importantly to yourself and your future with women.
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