A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just wanted to get a little insight on my ex's recent text. Here's a quick background: The ex and I were living/together for 6 years. He left me 4 months ago for another woman. I was/am heartbroken. I began NC about 2 months ago and have stuck to it. He has been texting me on an average of about once a week since we broke up. This has been going on for 4 months now. I have ignored ALL texts since I began NC. (You think after ignoring someone that long they would get the hint right? He knows I wont answer!) Most of the messages are just silly things like, "How are the dogs" or "Hope all is well". Anyway, a couple days ago, he stepped it up a bit and I got one that says "I really do miss you guys" (guys meaning the dogs and I). 5 minutes later he sent a picture he had taken on his phone when we were happily together of me on my bed holding my 2 dogs. I cant believe after 4 months he even still has this pic on his phone. Im sure his new lady doesnt take very kindly to it. The following day, I got a text that said "I would really like to see the dogs". Im not sure if that is code for he wants to see me or he just really wants to see the dogs. I have maintained NC and have still not responded to anything he has sent in the past 2 months. I even moved last month and didnt tell him where I went. I got a couple texts a day later asking if I had moved. (Didnt take him long to realize I moved I guess. Maybe he is keeping closer tabs on me than I think.) I have literally just disappeared. Not sure if that is why he is stepping up the texts or not.I guess my question is, do dumpers try this hard to keep someone on the backburner even when the dumpee is unresponsive? Or did the "I miss you guys" text followed by a picture he took when we were happy mean he is trying to reach out? Is it possible the grass isn't as green as he imagined it would be? Or maybe me disappearing has confused him a bit and he is stepping up his game to get me to answer?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Change your number. If you've had the no contact rule, and you've managed to avoid him so far, dont cave in now. Thats exactly what he wants you to do. This guy wants to have his fingers in too many pies.
He left you for another woman, now that he's with her, he misses "you guys"!! Oh please!!! He probably wants an ego boost with an "...I miss u too" answer. Or wants to be "friends" with u for the comfort factor. Basically he wants it all.
A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 I want to commend you on your stance thus far. I think it takes a strong woman to do what you are doing especially in the context of so many women (and men) who readily take back less than virtuous men/partners.
I think it tells me your self image and self esteem are intact and that you are wise in terms of relationships. Just don't let this guy weasel himself back to you, especially in a moment of weakness.
I mean let's deconstruct what your ex is apparently doing. So he left you for another woman only four months ago. How did this occur? Was he cheating on you with her? If so, a sign of a serious character flaw in my opinion. But even if he didn't, he only left you once he knew he had something else to jump to...so a character flaw nonetheless IMO. What does that say about him? Was he only with you to bide his time while someone else came along? Sounds like a user. Did he intentionally know this? If the relationship you had was not working, then he should have left and been single.
Not atypically, there are consequences when principles are marginalized and/or not followed. So now he left you and feels the need to keep contacting you. And as you said, what would his current partner think if he was trying to contact a former girlfriend? You see, the way he treats her is reflective of the way he likely treated you and any other woman for that matter. What does this tell you about his character, yet again? Values are values, if you have them, they don't change depending on the partner you are with. Many people unfortunately don't see this and most readily accept an ex back after similar circumstances and chain of events, believing and wanting to believe (and arguably deluding themselves) that their ex somehow holds you in higher esteem and treats you uniquely and/or different than other women. While many an accepting partner may believe this, it often is a projection onto their partner that differs significantly from the reality.
Who would want this back? While it is not certain of his intentions, why does he feel the need to keep contacting you, especially since you have not contacted him or responded in the least? Just like his nature, perhaps the grass is not proving greener on the other side and he is looking for some sign from you that you may accept him back before he jumps ship on her. He is probably not being more aggressive since he does not want to come off as completely pathetic, but frankly my initial reaction upon reading your question was exactly that and upon deconstruction I feel I have rationalized effectively exactly that original thought. He seems to be proving that he can't be honorable and decide to end a relationship before starting another one (not to mention allowing for time to reflect and collect oneself before jumping immediately into another relationship).
I'm a firm believer that things often happen for a reason, and in the absence of that belief, there is often something that can be learned from it. In your case, consider yourself fortunate in that you are seeing first hand the true character of your ex. Better it happened now and not possibly a marriage and 1.8 kids later. The costs of break up at that point are far greater than at this point in time. He has communicated that he is not worthy, not now, likely not before, and likely not some time in the future.
Stick to what you're doing and don't fall for his tactics which are not genuine IMO. Having him as a friend does not for you but lower you to accepting a less than worthy individual into your world. One concern that I have, however, is while you have maintained no contact, have you specifically indicated to him that he is not to contact you under any circumstance? Perhaps that will be more clear and direct. Now, considering that you have maintained no contact, I think being consistent in that regard may be the way to go but perhaps being more direct may be the way to go if he becomes mire aggressive in his attempts to contact you.
My only fear is that by not communicating directly, you may be subconsciously leaving an opening for you to get back with your ex...and frankly, I don't think that would be in your best interests. I think you are strong. If only most everyone behaved similarly, then cheating and similar type behaviors could become a thing of the past. Perhaps this may be an aspiration for a future generation.
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 I'd change your number by sounds of things his either realised the grass wasn't greener with the other woman or he got dumped by the current fling and is now trying to grovel back into your lap either way he lost his chance to be with you when he left for another woman so I'd definitely change numbers so he can't txt.
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 He probably doesnt like the fact that now he cant keep tabs on you. Id change your number. The txt and pic is a way to get you to remember the "good times" hopefully miss him and respond. He will continue to txt you. Changing you number and moving on is best. He
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (19 January 2011):
I would change my number. You have nothing to gain keeping in contact with him, or allowing him to stay in contact with you. You don't want to touch that hot stove twice. Good luck on the NC.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): He keeps texting b/c he know's you'll cave and give into sleeping with him. He most likely did the same thing with his ex when he was with you! These cheaters have a pattern. They always have more than one woman and when one doesn't work out it doesn't ruffle their feathers too much. It doesn't take much to text a few women every month...eventually one will give in.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (19 January 2011):
There are lots of possible reasons for his contact. He may have taken many things for granted about you and the relationship, which he is realising and wanting to have back again. He may have realised he loves you in ways he didn't realise before. Or he might be happy in his life with the woman he is seeing, and just be contacting you out of care. He might be worried about you and want to make sure you are ok. He might still have a lot of love for you and is hoping to be friends at some point. He might want to get back together with you. You don't spend 6 years with someone without building up a deep connection.The only person who can answer your questions, is him. Other people can only give you opinions, only he can tell you what is really going on. More important is to know what you want for you life from now, and to know what (if anything) you want from him. When you know what you want, then you can take action to make those things happen. Also, your ex might not understand why you have chosen to have no contact. It can be helpful to let him know that you have made a decision not to contact him, and if you like, to let him know why, and what you would prefer that he do or not do. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): Well i don't know, it's kind of hard to tell I get weird messages from my past bfs and this is really complicated. Do you want to get back with him???? My suggesstion is to ask him what he means!
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A
female
reader, cutiepiesensei +, writes (19 January 2011):
To me it seems like he misses you, his current relationship must not be going well, and he's reaching out (wants to see you). It's up to you to figure out how your previous relationship with him was and is it worth it to meet up with him again? He seems like he at the very least wants to be close friends
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