A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am seeing this guy I really like. But his ex gf used to be one of my best friends a until a few years ago. They broke up around 2 months ago. She put him through hell. She'd become very paranoid and jealous. She once snogged a guy who had eyes for her, in front of her bf, just because a girl jokingly told her to get the guy to stop flirting with her. Anyway, so we have had sex a few days ago and we've kept it very quiet. His ex is a psycho. She bit into a girl's finger and damaged her nerve, in retaliation for girl talking to him for too long at a party, after they split up. So who knows what she'll do when she finds out about me and him. So, they were kind of in love and he says he doesn't feel anything for her after what has happened, but sometimes I don't feel too convinced. I don't want to feel paranoid as we haven't even set ground rules about exclusivity. But what do you think I should do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 The ex gf sounds like a very nasty piece of work. You'd need the police Emergency number on speed dial with her around.
If he's a good guy he will step in an intervene if she causes any problems. If he has not the courage to do that then walk away. Do not allow her to become your problem. She is a problem to him by virtue of his former relationship with him.
As far as his ex-gf?
She's someone to avoid, I agree.
Don't reply to, engage with, nor communicate with this destructive minx.
But if he wants to be a part of your life and you a part of his life then you should not have to keep your relationship a secret, all because of her.
Before you get too worked up about his ex, ask him:
'Do you want a long term relationship with me, or am I just a fling?'
I bet he does not know the answer yet. But not asking that question early on weeds out guys whose intentions are out of sync with our own intentions/motivations/wishes/hopes.
And then if he does want a long term relationship with you, then set the ground rules.
Ground rules that include mutually
agreed goals on exclusivity,
him standing up for you, re her,
loyalty, respect, how you will
resolve issues etc
Believe me, he will know he is dealing with a different girl to his ex once he's been asked to lay it on the line, and stand up for you, or lose you.
If a guy is not willing to reveal his intentions and stand up for his girl, and treat her right, and abide by mutually agreed ground rules, then what do you have?
Nothing but heart break ahead.
So few girls ask at the start about intentions and fail to set some ground rules, and then wonder why the guy follows no ground rules.
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