A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What do you guys think about affairs? Esp when someone has one when only in the first few years of their relationship. Does this mean generally they are unhappy, missing something? And if so once the affair has started and even stopped, will that person ever be happy in the relationship, in which they were prepared to cheat on their partner in the first place or will it be worse? I'm talking about cheatin women here not men. What do you guys think?
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female
reader, starbucksFan  +, writes (16 September 2007):
They're all messy. If you have to have one, get out now (of the marriage). Fly straight. Go single. Do what it takes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): My wife has or is recently cheated on me, I agree she is trying to find the thing that is missing, which is freedom to do what she wants with her own life without having the routine most people work rest and play, I am a housedad like women chained to the kitchen sink, I gave her freedom to live the life she wants as she was abused, I dont want her ever to say those words "YOU ARE JUST LIKE MY DAD", I have given her everything what i get in return is her working 12 hour shifts 3 weeks a month 5 days a week, she goes out with her workmates(mixed sex) on every friday, then calls me like a taxi to take her and all her mates home, at all hours of the morn normally about 2, then she gets up for a bath about 10 sat morning has a bath a fag and goes back to bed for the rest of the day normally waking on sunday afternoon when it is time to start getting the kids ready for bed, you know the stuff T, Bath Story time and then bed. then she has another bath and falls asleep on the settee in the livingroom till about 3 on the monday morning where she gets up for work at 530. when we do see each other it is the age old argue i say black she proves it isnt. so yes She and most women having an affair, do so because the blame it on the hubby, if you were there then it wouldnt of happened.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (29 August 2007):
 And once again just for old times sake...LOVE MEANS LOYALTY. I cant imagine any sex that is worth risking even a poor relationship. Is there any sex out there that is worth crushing somebody you care for? Is there any sex that is worth wrecking a family or a marriage or a long term relationship? Ive had some great sex in my life but none worth that much.
So basically fix the relationship or get out but dont cheat.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Hi there,
I think affairs in relationships are wrong, but we are all human and liable to make mistakes....
The most important thing is that it should be a mistake that is learnt from, the problems that caused the infidelity in the first place should be addressed and the "mistake" not made again, only then can it be laid to rest and put in the past. If the problem that caused the partner to stray in the first place cannot be put right, I don't see the point in continuing with the relationship, reality should be faced no matter how painful.
To flit from one person to another when emotionally involved with someone else is, in my opinion, a selfish act which brings heartache and misery to the person who is being lied to and betrayed. No relationship is secure with a partner who is always looking elsewhere, inevitably it all goes horribly wrong in the end.
Personally I would rather be alone than played, lied to and cheated on. It would be a case of once bitten twice shy for me, I would only forgive once, life's too short!
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (28 August 2007):
 I do believe in most cases, cheating is a symptom of something that is missing in the relationship and for whatever reason, that person is afraid to simply confront that demon and move on. Sometimes there's a fear of being alone that prompts people to secure another mate before they take the plunge of divorce. It doesn't necessarily make it right, but you have been given a varied amount of responses in order to arrive at your own conclusion. Affairs usually leave people with a tremendous amount of pain and guilt that stays with them long after the affair has ended. Sometimes affairs bring people back together because it forces them to examine what's missing and see if it can be repaired. There is no cookie-cutter answer if you have experienced the pain of an affair either from your mate, or yourself. My advise is to seek counseling if both parties are willing and it will take a tremendous amount of courage and trust to rebuild the damage, if it's possible at all. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (28 August 2007):
 I think affairs are dishonest. The time you should be putting into either fixing or ending the primary relationship you instead spend escaping with an outsider.
The honest thing to do is to get out of the relationship that has something missing, after you've tried and failed to fix it.
I have never heard an "excuse" for cheating that made me think it was alright. If you're missing something, leave before you go try to find it elsewhere. Anything else is just dishonest.
As for whether the cheater can someday feel happy in the relationship, sure. If they work on fixing what they thought they were missing, and if everyone involved forgives, then yeah, I think it's possible. It would take a lot of work, though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): One thing it for sure - it will never be the same. You two may grow together and overcome, you may constantly wonder if she is into you and wants to truly be with you, she may wonder about the "what ifs" of the other guy, you may drift apart...It's really hard to put a judgement on this one because every scenario is different, every person has their own uniqe experiences, genetic and emotional make-up. We humans are very quick to judge, label, and chasten each other.You've really got to do what you are comfortable with, especially if you are not sure how to feel/deal with this yet. At the end of the day your most important relationship is with yourself, as this determines how you treat all others you come into contact with. BTW - Have any dudes weighed in on this one yet?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): I cheated on my b.f. of 5 yrs. b/c I was unhappy. He was hitting me & emotionally abusing me as well. He was a loser that couldn't hold a job, & he was a big lair. Why did I cheat & not just leave? Because my car was in his name which he sought that I do that (i assume now it was to trap me) And I had no family or friends that would help me out. I also couldn't afford a place by myself, but as soon as I found a way out I took it. I moved in with a friend as soon as her other room mate left, and I ended up cheating on my b.f. with a guy we were both friends with & I got pregnant with his baby & we are now expecting our 2nd. I now am happy. I don't regret cheating on him 1 bit b/c the only reason I did it is b/c he changed into an abusive psycho. I did try leaving him as soon as I moved out, but he would stop by & call all the time & threaten to take my car away, so I had to keep on good terms with him until he agreed to sign my car over to me, which I had to pay him several hundred dollars to do, when he wasn't working & living off of his parents. He was blackmailing me for things over the car. He would say if I didn't give him this or that he would take my car away..so yes, I think it's possible to cheat b/c you're not happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Now, now, we are all to assist the person with the question, not bicker amongst yourselves. Please, address the inquiry.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (28 August 2007):
 If its not a rewarding relationship and talking has got you nowhere, then leave the relationship, then there's no need for cheating!
I think this is what people are meaning.
I personally think a lot of the time people just like the thrill of living dangerously. How boring to just want a normal life!
Hmmmm that was sarcasm by the way hehe
C xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Having sex for his benefit/pleasure for the last year was not a "self-involved" act. I have voiced my needs and nothing changed - I have attempted, on numerous occasions, to mix it up and "forge" a deeper bond, to no avail.But the lack of response on his end only turned me off even futher. This obviously has more to do with having needs met in the bedroom only. To quote a previous poster "women need to feel beautiful and desirable" - this was not happening with my situation.To reiterate: Cheating is selfish. Cheating is also stupid. Man up and do what needs to be done before you get to that point if you are self aware enough to recognize it.It seems like a few of you dont believe that the person who was cheated on could have possibly not listened to and honored their partners needs and wishes once they were expressed. It's as if I were were reaching out and trying to enrich something that had become a problem in the relationship and it was falling on deaf ears. Do not mistake this for an excuse - but let me tell you this: had this been a mutually rewarding relationship I wouldn't have cheated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Well, in my opinion there is absolutely no excuse for cheating. Male or female. If you are not happy or satisfied with the bed that you are lying in then you should get out of it. As a married person there have been times that I have felt neglected by my husband, or we just got too caught up with everyday life. An affair would have probably have been fun, but I respect my marriage too much to go through with cheating. I love my husband. When I say LOVE. I mean Love. We have been through so much that if I loose him I will lose more than I will ever be willing to sacrifice for an affair.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 August 2007):
 I had a boyfriend in college who two-timed me but we weren't all that serious. However, I have been married to my wonderful husband for 32 years and neither one of us would dream of cheating. The thought of losing my husband's respect is just as bad as the horrible thought of doing something that would hurt him. Cheating is just NOT something someone does to another person. It's a selfish, viscous act.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Everyone in life has temptations. Everyone has moments in relationships where they percieve, things aren't going in the way it should, for them and only them. These temptations and moments are simply little suggestions; they are not commands telling you to go out and have an affair. So many feel entitled to their own self-involved happiness without the process of developing, creating and 'loving' a person they deem as their loved one-their best friend-the person they adore. Jusding fromthe below posting, where the poster has this out of control libido...all I have to say is ---I am amazed at the efforts and excuses people give themselves to step out and have an affair. When a problem arises in a relationship, why not forge something deep and strong with the person you claim to love? People who do this might just find they can create more depth and character within themself, instead of cheating on a loved one just to achieve momentary self-gratification and momentary thrills. And when one builds charcter, they build a satsifaction and contentment within themselves. There is a new, very disturbing trend out there that deeply bothers me. It's people who think they need personal growth, so let's just have an affair to satisfy their 'me-me' needs and discard a loved one away like they are a piece of lint. To me personal growth with someone is a mutual circumstance...like a good bottle of wine..you let your relationship age wonderfully and gain value.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Well, as a previous poster here (see relationships/friendships below), I agree that monogamy is a sweet fruit that few ever have a steady diet of during their lifetime (whether they ever know it or not).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Yes, it is likely that I've yet to meet the love of my life. Very likely. As far as puddling goes, what I've done was very selfish - cheating is a selfish act. Period. It absolutley is not honorable and it leaves a very messy and confusing situation. I was cheated on by the first person I finally opened up to and dated after my mother died. It hurt very, very much - especially when I was so vulnerable. I sat down with his ex (whom he had been cheating with) and we talked about the scenario. I was very young and naive, and it hurt like hell, but as I walked away from his house that afternoon and knew he wasn't the guy for me. And I am thankful today that I didn't waste any more time on his ass. Have you been cheated on, eyeswideopen?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): no respect for cheaters, they disrespect, lie, and hurt people who actually love them.cheating = selfish nd immature imo.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 August 2007):
The previous poster has yet to meet the love of her life. And her excuses for hurting her boyfriend have just left a puddle on the floor.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): PS. I also don't really believe it is reasonable to expect a single monogamous relationship to fulfill all of a persons needs for a lifetime after marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): People cheat for a multitude of reasons, not one can be reasonably applied to all people or scenarios. We like to apply sweeping generalizations to better understand and to fit very human problems into neat little boxes. I have recently cheated and it opened my eyes to what I had been subconsciously grappling with for some time - I am not sexually attracted to my boyfriend. We have talked about improvements, about making adjusments, about kama sutra, about involving other partners (ME as I want to get freaky) and little has ever changed. I am ready for passion again. I am ready to be with someone who can make me cum without having to fantasize really hard about something else, and yes to have it last for longer than 5 minutes. In my case - I am pretty much done with the relationship. I am walking away because I know that I tried and this has not been remedied. I love my boyfriend very much - he truly is my best friend, and am totally wrecked about this (as well I should be, it hurts me very much to hurt him, and we've barely begun the process of dealing before we can be healing.)So, I guess my neat little box is labeled "was missing something" - it's called my very healthy libido that I haven't seen for around 1 year. Comments????
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 August 2007):
There is NEVER a valid reason for cheating, ever. We hear all kinds of excuses but not nary a one holds any water. What it boils down to is lack of honor and integrity and sheer disregard for another's feelings, pure and simple. that goes for males as well as females.
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A
female
reader, tobme +, writes (28 August 2007):
 I was married a long time. I had an affair with an ex after being with my husband for 9 years. I was looking for attention, something my husband didn't give me at all. Our marriage was falling apart and I was so unhappy. I tried to do things with my husband and tell him I was unhappy and how we could make things better. He didnt see there was something wrong and my affair started months later. I was caught up in having 2 lives and that was TORTURE! I had an ex who would "spoil" me emotionally and my husband who treated me like a sexual object only. Needless to say, I had the worst and best of two men. In the end I ended up with neither of them and now divorced. I don't regret what I did but I am not proud of it either! In my case it was a lot of what I was missing had nothing to do with me wanting to hurt my husband and I did anyways being selfish. My ex husband has said that this is why we are now divorced and I have accepted that but I changed and I would never cheat again nor settle for someone that doesn't give me all of what I learned I want. All the affair taught me was what I did deserve and I deserve soo much better treatment!!Yes, I believe women cheat to find something they are missing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): No i don't think it has to do with being unhappy. Missing something? Maybe. But I wouldn't take that personally. I think that people prone to cheating probably always are looking outside of their relationship for a hook up, in any relationship that they are in. I think it has more to do with a person's values than anything else. Certainly in some cases it happens out of unhappiness (like people who have been married for years and years and are going through difficulty). But someone who cheats soon after the start of a relationship just has poor values. Perhaps they had a dysfunctional family growing up and learned certain behaviors from observing their surroundings at a young age. They probably grew up learning that cheating is an acceptable taboo. That is why to some extent they know it is wrong (that's why they lie) but to another extent they do it anyways. You can't change a person's view on life but you can change your partner. There are plenty of people who are not cheaters. Don't settle for that. She is not going to change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): It is perfectly possible to have an affair in the early stages of a realtionship and to move on from this. You might be surprised at just how many people do have affairs, yet their partners never find out about them. The formative years are all about getting to know each other and learning to compromise on things, but there does come a time when a couple can get into a rut and women (especially) need to feel beautiful and desirable. Usually, this is the main reason for people to have affairs. We all love to feel wanted, and if we are not receiving this at home, sometimes this can lead us into the arms of another. The only way the relationship can really recover is for the underlying problems to be addressed by the couple (are they doing enough together, spoiling each other, sharing their feelings with each other).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Well, I am quite a bit older, and have had several relationships. I have had an affair. My partner never new, and it didn't mean I loved him any less. My thoughts on affairs is that it is a symptom that there is something wrong with the relationship, but not a reason by and of itself, to end the relationship. It is the ultimate betrayal, but betrayal, although hurtful, is not a reason to terminate a friendship, at least not in my opinion. Remember, that a relationship is a friendship, just a very close one, and that we are all human, and we all make mistakes, and we must learn to forgive and love, otherwise we all end up friendless in the end.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (28 August 2007):
 I think all affairs are wrong. If you loved and respected the partner you are with and everything in that relationship was "great" then why would you need to look elsewhere.
I think that once the couple know that there is something "wrong" or "missing" or whatever in their relationship and the affair has stopped that things can be worked through and the relationship be a happy one.
My partner cheated on me pretty early in our relationship and I was devastated. But then we realised that living so far apart we weren't connecting with each other as much as we should of been, and my partner felt alone and not sure about us. It was no excuse for him to do what he did, but if things had been right between us then he wouldn't of needed to go off.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
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