A
male
age
41-50,
*oofing
writes:Help, my wife has left me! We have hurt each other very much and now she has left. I love her very much and I know she loves me, but the pain is to big at this point. We have children and I also don't want them to hurt. I am feeling depressed and I wish for nothing more but to work things out. While we're apart what could I do? We have been together for over seven years and married for almost four. She has been gone for four days and it seems like an much longer than that. I heard time heals but right now it is hurting me more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): In the meantime you can do something very good for you and your wife. Get help! Usually those souples who hurt each other a lot and then suffer a great deal with separation are couples who came from dysfunctional families and now are building their own 'little hell' (no offense) with what they learned watching their parents. Stop blaming her and stop blaming yourself I can assure you most of your problems come from the hurt you've received as a child. You need to heal your inner child to start seeing things differently and (most important) to start acting differently. Right now you don't need to go to a therapist necessarily if you don't want to. I suggest trying self help methods. This is a good time to go to the library and buy books and reading them. If you really want things to change don't expect people to change, change yourself first. People will notice and then they are going to start to treat you differently. Do it also for your children. Suggested books: "Healing the Child Within" by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. & "The Emotionally Unavailable Man" by Pat Henry, M. Ed. and any book you like on the "codependent" or 'codependency' subject. Tip: Can be ususally found on Border's in the psychology section. Blessings.
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (22 January 2008):
 It sounds to me that a lot of healing is needed by both of you. First, both of you need to forgive, you cannot forget, but you can put it behind you and time will heal the wounds. You both must talk to each other, not at each other. If you want to get back together, you need to court her again, and take it slow, invite her out to a neutral quiet place and tell her you want to listen to her, because you want to make the relationship work. Let her talk and really listen. The first meeting should be all about her, ask her what she wants and needs from you and be sincere, if she does not ask you what you want from her, don't press, let it be all about her. The next time you get together, ease your issues in, just a lttle bit, not everything all at once. Then you have to make a verbal pact to be receptive to each other, it may take a good while, but if the relationship is important to both of you, you both can make it work. One last thing, you both should have sessions together, away from the house, when you two get back together, where you talk about things that have distrubed you, about the relationship, before they build up. Slow but sure. Good luck to you both.
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (22 January 2008):
 What did you guys do to hurt each other? Yes, you love her very much. Yes you still want to be with her.
But...What does she feel? What does she want?
Yes, you are concerned about the kids but sometimes, even though the parents do the 'right' thing, it makes the kids even more miserable. Kids, no matter how old or young, get scared when they see their parents fight. They will see the problem between you guys and then think that somehow it's their fault.
You need to ask for her forgiveness and ask her to come back. Give her time to think about it. Time does heal but time also clears the mind for decisions to be made, even if they aren't to your liking.
I hope that your problem will be resolved one way or another.
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A
female
reader, speedcat +, writes (22 January 2008):
You dont share many details on why she left, so advise is hard to give.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (22 January 2008):
 Go to her with a bouquet of flowers and tell her you love her and ask her to come back and you will allow her to do what she wants.Whatever differences, you need to give way to her if you want her back.
Let her be the queen of the house.She may reconsider if you climb down from your high portal.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 January 2008):
 First of all, you need to look at and grasp a hold of why you chose her to marry. This is your motivation to create change. Change is difficult, but it's well worth it. You said you both hurt eachother very much. With your change, you can't look at the parts she played. You have to focus strictly on you and your behavior.
Looking at yourself and the problems you took part in causing is painful. It's a deep process of finding out who you really are. Now ask yourself. How do you view your marriage up to this point? During the good and the bad times, what changed? When you argue, are you taking time to really see how she views the issue, or do you argue to win? In any relationship, arguments are views. It's OK for both of you to have different views, it doesn't mean you're right or wrong, and same with her. There only how you see the situation.
Understand this as well. You're married to her. You are not married to your children (not devaluing their importantce), you're not married to your work, or the monthly bills, etc. Marriage is not an activity that goes on autopilot because of all the other obligations that need done. So often we see marriage as just a state of being, that takes care of itsself while we focus on everything else. You need to focus on your marriage. That needs to take a front piority to many other things. The only thing I'd say trump that are yourself and your health, and making sure your kids are safe.
When looking at making personal changes, I want you to look at it in this way. You are #1 in your life. If you're not spiritually fit, emotionally fit, physically fit, and mentally fit, then your ability to have a healthy marriage, raise your children in a healthy environment, be a good employee or employer. All of those will be compromised if you allow yourself to stay in a rutt.
I hope I gave you enough to get you started. A good book to buy would be "The Eigth Habbit", by Steven Covey. It's a great book on building yourself, and gives a great direction in changing behaviors.
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A
male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (21 January 2008):
 If you really do love her you could be at the point i experienced resently. Well you could be that you are so afraid of being hurt again that you dont want to give her another chance but part of you still wants to try to hold things together for the kids sakes,and so your life continues the norm.
And yes time heals but you will have moments when all hope seems lost and you have to have her. And everything good and negative floods your mind making you very upset and miss her and make you feel like you need her. If you can endure this time will heal this, but a lot of people give up to soon and get involved again and get hurt over and over again knowing its coming because they wont let go.
Theres never to much pain between to people so that it can not be healed but the more there is the harder it is to heal the relationship. If you truly want to be with her because you still love her and things can still work out for the better then go for it, but if you are just doing it for the kids you are better of letting go because seeing you and her fighting and breaking up isnt going to make a positive example for the kids will it.And it may effect them in relationships for life.
Its your decision and you have to deal with yourself each morning so do what you think is right long term or everyone involved.
Goodluck.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, eyesramazing +, writes (21 January 2008):
I don't know what has caused the trouble in your marriage... cheating, lying, abuse, money... but, regardless of the situation, let her know that you love her and are willing to work things out with her. Do not put yourself in a position where your loyalty to her or to your children could be left to question. Example, a night out with the boys to get your mind off of things is not a "good" idea. Keep the lines of communication open and give her some time, but do NOT give up on each other until you know for certain that there is no "putting it back together." If you need to apologize... DO IT! If she needs to apologize... ACCEPT IT. Leave the past alone and try to move forward. It has been my personal experience that couples can get through most anything if they put their minds and hears into it. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 I think its difficult to give you our opinion without knowing more about the reasons she's left.
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