A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My issue is the love-hate relationship I have with my dad. As good a man as he is and as much as he helps me and I love him, there is a side of me that doesn't trust him and that makes me "hate" him. My dad has a major chip on his shoulder about his life. He married a latin woman (my mom, they are divorced now) but my dad is American. My whole life he has made negative comments about my mom and about latins, in general. He knows I am half latin so why would he say stuff like that in my presence? Ever since he has divorced my mom he has had a few girlfriends and even remarried once. He showed himself to be kind of a ruthless big mouth. He has always divulged really personal stuff and reflected his mean opinions about my family/heritage and about myself to his new girlfriends. Its so irritating. There are some things about your family you shouldn't talk about and opinions you shouldn't express, especially not to these transient women who come and go and who have been NOTHING to me. I wish he would feel proud of his life and know when to shut up. Its not like me and my sister come from a long line of low lives. In fact my mom is more sophisticated than any of these women he has dated and for him to think any less of that part of my life bothers me cause its so inaccurate. All of the women my dad dates are straight up philistines. My mom on the other hand was very keen on culture, society, art and a super educated, interesting woman (photographer in nyc, art collector, accepted at Harvard, anthropologist, independent, matriarchal). She has taught me invaluable lessons about life, society, culture and my matriarchal role as a woman (to NEVER live for a man), just stuff that none of the American girls my dad has dated even has a clue about. I am SO happy she was my mom and not these other women he has dated. I have great admiration for her. She's a cool cat. The point is that if he talks about half of my heritage the way he does right in front of me, I can't imagine how many condescending things he has said about me and my life to his girlfriends. And just for the mere fact that we are latin? What about everything that we are not? That is so insanely close minded. He is just very "dumb" about the things he says and feels and who he says them too. The problem is that I love my dad and he is ALWAYS there for me and always helps me and wants to see me get ahead. In that sense he is a GREAT father. But I often find myself being standoffish and not telling him stuff and even being mean to him cause deep down I know he has a big mouth and his lack of tact in what he says is part of his character, and I can't change that. I want to get over this and be nice to my dad cause for everything else he is a GREAT guy. The truth is that he is never going to change. So I just want to get over it and be a good daughter and friend to him. So knowing that's just how he is and he is not going to change, how do I get over this part of me that "hates" him?
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female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (21 January 2008):
 It sounds like he still feels for your mom. Its like he's angry at your mom for succeeding without him. If he's supposed to be your friend, then you can talk to him like a friend. When a friend talks about you, you tell them how you feel. So tell your dad how you feel about him talking about you and your latin heritage. Be the woman your mom is teaching you to be. You can't just 'get over' this. You are latin and he should be proud of you no matter what you are.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): I think your Dad is not 'over' his marriage to your Mother and for this reason, if he belittles your heritage, he is probably desperately trying to kid himself his past was bad - to somehow justify not being with your Mum any more. I think it is wonderful that you are so clear about how your Mother has given you so many good qualities / has them herself. It is a great thing to learn many positives from parents. Write a list of the good things about your Dad. Draw on these feelings when he lets you down by being undermining. You must tell him to his face, on his own, precisely how much this is upsetting you. Tell him what he says - specifically - that hurts you so much. Tell him also what you love about him and why this makes it hurt all the more. You must not hold back. You must then give him some space and I mean space. It is time that he sees you as a woman and not speak to you like a little child that he thinks cannot hear. Perhaps you remind him of your Mother? Ask him this... I am not saying it is a bad thing but it may be why he cannot speak good things. This issue must be tackled head on. It appears he is not a sensitive man on the outside so tackle him bluntly and directly. It is time for you to stand up for yourself as an adult (daughter or not). Do not accept these criticisms any more. Your ultimate aim I can tell from what you write is to have peace, harmony and respect from your Dad and I hope you can achieve this in the long term - even if getting there may be a bumpy ride.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 Just tell yourself that no one is perfect .We are not perfect and we have many faults and defects.Look at his bright and positive side. See the positive things and you will find love. Look at the negative things and you will get hate.
Do you want to be an optimist or a pessimist?
If you are an optimist, you will think your dad will one day turn around .Nothing is permanent.People can change in time. Hope for the best.
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