A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Monogamy - can it REALLY exist - or is it natural to struggle with this?I'm asking this question because it seems like everyone cheats. On a marriage, in a relationship, etc. And if they don't it's usually because they "don't want to hurt" their partner, not because they truly don't desire anyone else.I've tried to have this intellectual conversation with my boyfriend of a few years, but it makes him paranoid. Like I'm going to cheat on him. He also says he's hurt that I suggest it's the natural order of things that he will cheat, if he hasn't already.For the record, I haven't cheated, but have thought about it. I don't because of the guilt I would feel if my boyfriend found out. I'm definitely sexually attracted to other men. And I know this sounds like a "guy" line, but just because I want to have sex with other men doesn't mean I don't love my boyfriend.. Love is different than lust.Opinions?? Do I just have the guy gene? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, fairytail +, writes (2 November 2009):
 I think if there is trust in a realtionship between both of you. It is possible to have a third party involved. If everyone is ok with it its not cheating. There is such thing as a open realtionship between a man and a woman if thats what the person is in to. It has to be complete trust and no jealusy involved. If that helps any ...
A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (2 November 2009):
 Do you consider a hug cheating? You only feel like you cheated because you were sexually attracted. However all you did was hug. You resisted for the sake of your boyfriend. I personally dont think you need to tell him. It will just make him feel ackward about something you have a handle on.
HonningKanin
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): I was put in a difficult situation the other night with a guy, who is a friend of me and my partner (of 8yrs, we have 2 boys) othing happened, but in my mind I cheated. Does even that count as cheating? We hugged each other then had to push each other away, I left quickly. We both knew the chemisty it was causing.Physically it was not cheating, but my mind wandered and I was being unfaithful with another man. I have not told my partner, nor do I intend to. This is bad right?
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female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (1 November 2009):
Your questions
1) an "open marriage/relationship" (99 percent certain that my current BF won't agree to that).
Like I said. You have to figure out what works for you and what you want the most. We are highly social creatures and have the capacity to convey our thoughts through language.
Monogamy as I have stated did not just evolve because of social society, but has been re-enforced so that and other lifestyle is abhorent, which its not. Its just different. Again if you are finding yourself more aligned to a poly relationship you have to find out how your partner feels about an open relationship. He could be interested in which case, problem solved. If he is not interested in that then you have two choices.
1)You can either stay within the boundries of the relationship he has set up. Meaning you will have to sacrifice your desires to be with other people to, what I guess would be the better benefit of being with your partner.
2) Leave him. If you personally feel this is too much of a sacrifice for you, you shouldn't be wasting either his time or your time in a relationship where your needs are not compatible.
2) a don't ask, don't tell policy like he and his partner have. (which is essentially cheating and lying)
If your partner agrees with that its not overtly cheating its just a preference to not know when you are playing away with home and bringing it back with you. "Dont flaunt it infront of me" essentially because of jealousy. However telling your partner you are faithful to him and only him is cheating and violating boundries to the relationship. One would wonder why someone who is not ok with those boundries would have bothered entering the relationship in the first place.
3) be single and keep whatever lovers I want around (until I'm in my 50's and then marry).
Your choice. Its neither a bad nor a good one. Its just how you live and no one has a right to judge people. Especially when they are lone agents. However I will say anyone who does find they are more aligned to poly relationships will still have an issue with monogamy. Marriage isn't magical. It doesn't magically make you suddenly wanting to stop fucking other people.
4) find a main partner/boyfriend who is truly okay with an open relationship.
I think this would be best.
HonningKanin
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst, thank you all for your thought out comments . It gives me a lot to ponder.Second, I did not mean to insult anyone with the "guy gene" comment. It's just in my experience, my male friends are much more honest/in touch with their sex drive - desires, etc. Especially my gay male friends - so in my mind I naturally assume men have/would like to have more than one sexual partner at a time. (It's also more socially acceptable. Women that do it are called sluts, men are called studs)Third, I can honestly say I do not go looking for other men, but they seem to find me. I live in NYC, have a good social life, and am attractive and friendly.Most men that approach me do nothing for me (and I cut the conversation short), but within the last year there have been 2 that just sparked my interest. Chemistry immediately. I guess I like the outside attention, and am intrigued by the thought of being with someone new (even though nothing physical has happened - it could at any moment if I let it). Both of these men know I have a boyfriend of two and a half years. One told me he believed in fidelity and wouldn't tempt me, but we remained friends - and we met for drinks, etc. He now has a girlfriend and I've stopped texting him because he told me he wants it to work out with her and I'm not going to ruin that for him by tempting him.As soon as I cut the flirting off with the first guy, the second guy introduced himself to me at a party and I've seen him several times since. We enjoy the same music and just end up going to listen to bands. (again nothing physical has happened - but he makes it clear he enjoys women and we talk openly and honestly about his intentions) I have no illusions that he wants a relationship. I know he just wants sex. He knows I'm not willing to go there yet, but tells me I "exude sex". (the first time I've ever been told that)So, this is my conflict. I love my boyfriend and we have a "normal" life. But then there's all this... When you think about it - no one has just one friend and expects that person to fulfill all their needs - so why does society expect us to have just one lover/spouse??My one gay friend suggested a few options: 1) an "open marriage/relationship" (99 percent certain that my current BF won't agree to that). 2) a don't ask, don't tell policy like he and his partner have. (which is essentially cheating and lying) 3) be single and keep whatever lovers I want around (until I'm in my 50's and then marry). 4) find a main partner/boyfriend who is truly okay with an open relationship.Thoughts?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 I like that phrase, Uncle: "pudding stirrer".
I think I will open a bakery :-).
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Holy hot buttons!!
Well we are really getting the party started on this one eh? I think it would be great to have a completely anonymous accounting of those that cheated and why. Obviously in a different post. The faithful people always mention it but the unfaithful for obvious reasons dont lay it all out on the table. This is not about judgment, I think that everybody can be happy if they simply choose to be with people like themselves.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): (Warning: this post is a pretty lengthy one) Tough one, and I don't know if your question has a black-and-white answer. Even defining monogamy in precise terms is difficult. 'Being unfaithful' can manifest in a variety of ways. You could find yourself fighting a sexual attraction to your next-door neighbour or your wife's sister, to the point where you occasionally think impure thoughts about them while you whack off in the shower, but you know you'd NEVER act on your attraction - is that being unfaithful? What I would say is: in a healthy loving relationship, both parties are entirely certain that no temptation on Earth could possibly entice them to cheat. Whether that's sustainable over 5, 20 or 50 years depends on a multitude of factors. I tend to take the pessimistic view, but I suspect that's influenced by personal experience. I recently emerged from a five-year relationship. To say that my ex was jealous and possessive would be a colossal understatement. I would be grilled over the most harmless exchanges - if a checkout girl at the supermarket so much as smiled at me, I was in for a Spanish Inquisition. I practically had to turn the channel if a sexy female appeared on TV. I had no intention of ever cheating, and I'm practically certain that I would have gone through my life without ever doing so. My ex would expound at length about how unspeakably evil, selfish and cruel it was for anyone to cheat on their Significant Other. I never felt it would be a good idea to point out the contradiction: that we'd actually gotten together while she was married to someone else. At age 25, three years into the marriage, she had already cheated on the husband on numerous occasions (while she wouldn't divulge the exact figure, I'm aware of at least four separate encounters). But anyway, we had moved in together within three months of our first meeting and two weeks of our first sexual liaison. 'Whirlwind romance' doesn't even begin to cover how intense the affair was. We would f**k at least five times a day, and connected on every level - art, music, films, literature, politics, history, and of course romantic love. I didn't initially expect her to be monogamous, given her astounding looks, phenomenal sexual appetite and self-confessed nymphomania, but to my delight she pledged complete exclusive devotion. While being very open and honest about her past struggles with sex addiction, she testified that there was no way she could ever want anyone else other than me ('what would be the point?') and I felt the exact same way. And it worked, blissfully (for a while). We had three kids pretty quickly (starting with twins), and settled into a pretty considerate, passionate love affair. Even after the initial 'wow!' thing had subsided a little (after maybe about a year) we remained very much in love and really close companions. I PROMISE I'm about to cut to the chase! This is where your question starts to intrigue me...at some point, the passion fades. That's a fact. It may not apply to all relationships, but I think it certainly afflicts the vast majority of them. Keeping the fire alive is hard work. I never was tempted to cheat on her (it was highly unlikely to happen anyway, since my movements were always accounted for and she tended to ring my phone every ten minutes when I was out of her sight.) As you've probably guessed, we're dealing with a very insecure person, bipolar and utterly convinced that HER point of view on any given subject was the only valid point of view. I had been slowly isolated from my friends and family (any contact at all with the outside world really, apart from work, was discouraged) and now realise I was a bit depressed about it. Childbirth, and lack of exercise, had altered her appearance from that of a red-hot head-turner into something of an overweight frump, and if I'm honest, sex became less frequent and was something usually initiated by her. I loved her, in capital letters. Was I still wildly sexually attracted to her? Not really. Did she realise this? I suppose so. Had I started to sometimes fantasise about other women? Yes. Would I have ever cheated? No way. Anyway, when the kids entered playschool and she was able to resume her career, she returned to engaging with the outside world, started on Prozac, lost weight in world-record time, had makeovers, looked fantastic again, dressed sexily, and started spending increasing amounts of time out of the house. These are often cited as 'warning signs' of female infidelity. However, while the possibility that something was amiss crossed my mind once or twice, I dismissed it as extremey remote. Her stated hard-line on The Evil Of Infidelity made me 99% certain there was nothing to worry about, but her behaviour became increasingly suspicious and I eventually discovered graphic sexual messages on her phone (I thought I was entitled to check, since she'd always checked mine) to and from two other men. When confronted, her reaction took me aback. I assumed she would realise she morally didn't have a leg to stand on, or at the very least, she'd realise the phenomenal hypocrisy involved. Instead, she loudly announced (screaming in my face) that she 'was going to f*** whoever I want' and continued to do so for a few horrible months until the rows became too much and I moved out. Two years on, we're barely on speaking terms, but I still go round to see the kids. Sorry, this response is very long, but I think every detail is pertinent. My point is: the more abrasively possessive someone's behaviour, the greater the chance that they actually don't trust themselves. I could have been more attentive during the 'doldrums' period, and I think she needed to prove she still 'had it'. But otherwise, I feel pretty blameless. I think I'm entitled to be a mite miffed at the fact that I'd just spent years subjected to a pretty draconian, hard-line regime which included almost-total severance from my friends and parents (whom I now realise she had identified at an early stage as a 'threat' because they didn't warm to her). The notion of confiding even the tiniest detail about our domestic life to anyone outside the relationship was stricly taboo, my movements had to be accounted for at all times (ie the phone would ring every 15-20 minutes without fail), and even LOOKING at any other female was a castratable offence - so for her to rip up her own rulebook, turn around and elect to keep her phone switched off and fuck other guys while I was at home being run ragged by three kids - yes, I think I'd every right to be outraged at the situation. Do I regret being monogamous all that time? Well, regrets are a waste of time, and I was kept on such a tight leash that no opportunity to 'cheat' ever arose anyway. Obviously in hindsight, if I'd had ANY idea what was going to happen, I'd have kept my options open (or looked for an exit strategy from the relationship though not the kids). And it could be argued that I 'deserved' it as karmic payback for my starring role in breaking up someone else's marriage in the first place. And I suppose I'm 'free' now, but I haven't even come close to getting laid in the two years since. There doesn't seem to be much demand for a separated 35-year-old dad-of-three whose every spare cent is spent on maintenence, and my confidence (not to mention my willingness to trust women) is completely shot. But as the song goes: 'But just knowing that I was right Has helped me through night after night.' To answer the question: YES it's normal to see other people as attractive, NO it's not normal to want to act on it. If you do, the relationship needs plenty of hard work or it won't sustain. But I'm more confused about human nature and desire than I was beforehand, so I don't have any real answers. I apologise for the life story. Felt good getting it off my chest, though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Of course monogamy exists! The only problem is that there's sometimes a time limit on it. We won't mention marriage #1, but in marriage #2 I was 100% faithful from 1985 until 1999, and although I've not married again I've been 100% faithful to my current partner since 2001 inasmuch as I haven't plunged my pudding stirrer anywhere I shouldn't have. I won't say I haven't thought about it, but I haven't actually done it, so to my mind that's being monogamous. One woman at a time.
As Rod Stewart has said, rather than get married again I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her my house.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): faithfulness is a choice. I have had the opportunity for unfaithfulness to present itself and i knew that no one would ever know. When i looked at my marriage and my life and my husband, there really wasnt even a choice to make. I admit i notice attractive men...but i dont fantasize about 'nooky' with them. I am content and fulfilled and I know my man is too. We have worked to keep the passion alive and the communication open. He has never in our 30 year relationship given me reason to not trust him...so yes i believe monogamy is not only possible but attainable. ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): When i was growing up both my parents equally cheated,if one wasn't doing it the other one was.They got together when they were 21.What i'm getting at is the older we are the more experience of life we have,so the need to look else where lessens.You don't say how long you have been together or children involved,however if you are looking for that extra spice and really wanting you are in trouble.I don't believe all men cheateven after my experincesbut if you think he will and keep pressurising him about it,he may just to it.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (29 October 2009):
Your post suggests that there is something genetic in the fact that many men cheat. In my opinion, you're wrong not only in believing that every man will cheat, but also in believing that no cheater is to blame for that. He, or she, as you think your own case proves, is not to blame because he (or she) was born that way.Being in a committed relationship does not mean that your eyes cease to function. Of course people notice other people, and feel an attraction and perhaps an intense desire to be with them. But not everyone cheats.That is why committed relationships are called that way. You make a commitment, knowing that you will have to work to keep it.I would also like to point out that your marriage is in trouble. You say you haven't cheated out of the guilt you would feel if you were found out. If I were your husband, I would want you not to cheat out of love and respect for me, and out of not wanting to hurt me that deeply. If it is the fear of getting caught that keeps you, then you are in trouble.I think I wouldn't want to stay married to you if I knew this to be the case.I am of the opinion that you need to do a lot of soul searching and thinking, before you cheat.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (29 October 2009):
"Guy gene"?? Ouch!! That one smarts a bit, but after reading up on it a bit you do have a point. From what I learned men do cheat more than women based on the statistics (and we all know that statistics never lie right?) Take a look at one link I found.
http://www.authorsden.com/categories/article_top.asp?catid=57&id=28879
I have always been bothered by the assumption about men being the most likely to cheat. My observation has been that women are just as prone to being unfaithful, but I am willing to concede that one to get on with the point at hand.
What I have seen of infidelity in women is that it is not about sex at all. It is about a need for attention and affection or in some cases sex was used as a tool to get what they wanted. I can think of one woman I know who successfully divorced and remarried to her neighbor whom she had been having an affair with. In her case, she used infidelity to help her change partners. The other incidents that I know of were mostly about seeking attention and affection when they were vulnerable and needy. I cant think of a case right now that I have heard of where it was "ohhh he is just so hot and I gotta have him". Of course that is just what I have observed so take it for what its worth.
The male cases of infidelity that I know of were almost all situations where they were not getting they're sexual needs met at home. This is not to place the blame on they're wives at all, a couple guys were being total a-holes and probably deserved to get cut off from the nookie. I can think of two divorces off the top of my head on that one.
So in my opinion infidelity is a tool or coping mechanism more often than it is about pure sexual desire. I believe that the majority of couples would never consider straying as long as the relationship is healthy. There is the case of open marriages and if everybody is happy then more power to them (ohh that brings to mind another divorce I know of).
Anyways, that is just one guys opinion.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 October 2009):
 I agree with quiet-echo. For me, monogamy is not a struggle. Do I find other men attractive? Yes. Would I cheat on my husband? No. Why? Because I committed to him and I couldn't live with myself if I did. It's not that I fear being found out. I would hate myself for doing something like that to my marriage.
Does my husband find other women attractive? I'm sure he does. Will he cheat on me? I truly believe that he will not. Do I live in fear that he will? No. We have trust between us. It doesn't hurt that I picked a man with a strong sense of right and wrong, a great personal moral code and a family with virtually zero divorces. (One cousin did get a divorce from an abusive husband.)
So in my personal experience, monogamy can most definitely exist without struggling.
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A
male
reader, manaja  +, writes (29 October 2009):
I was with my ex wife for 10 years and never cheated, I looked at other women, but it never went any further, my ex wife cheated on me 9 years ago next month and we divorced, I initially felt I wish I had cheated on her , because I was angry at the time, now im glad I didnt, she used to say "you would of done the same if you had the chance", I had plenty of chances,I was a taxi driver for 8years of the marriage, I just never bothered, even when things were not right.
Some people will argue , she did right to move on instead of being in a lame marriage, maybe their right, someone had to move on, was she the stronger one ? no I dont believe so, we could of split mutually , amicably and honestly , but how many couples do this ?
Lots of friends were pulling her down after , including myself, but looking back, my ex wife was never a person that liked to be on her own, so its no surprise she did what she did.
Going back to you question, yes people can be monogamous , but we are all human and are tempted, its very hard not to be attracted to someone when things are not going too well with the person you are with , no matter how much you crave them physically.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (29 October 2009):
Well, my husband and I have pretty much had this conversation as well. Not that I have strayed and I have full trust he hasn't. I have no proof he hasn't, so thats what the trust is there for and I am not going to worry about it unless there is pertinence.
We were watching a lecture on biology and behaviour by Robert Sapolsky a professor of Neurobiology at Standford. His lectures are available to download and the one in particular is 10.-11. "The Evolution of Behaviour." Its an indepth examination of why monogamy exists not just in humans, but other animals.
Its more common to find Polygamy(1 male goat for many females) and Polyandry(one female mole with several males) or Adelphic Polyandry(2 male lions for female lions) and when you look at the biology of these multi partner animals you will find a number of characteristics. Body distortion one of them(Body Dimorphism). Males and Females will look differently because they are competing for sex. Queens of colonies are HUGE and elephant males are massively bigger than the females not to mention have tusks which they use for tournaments.
You will notice animals who pair bond(100% monogamous) physically they are about the same size as a female and pretty much difficult to tell just by sight which one is male and which on is female. Swans for example. Try and pick out which on of them is them is the male just by looking. You cant really. Monogamy is an evolutionary adaption to try and guarantee successful offspring. If its both parents spending equal amounts of energy rearing their young, there is no competition for sex and so body triats wont be selected for. Behaviour will be the decided0 factor in partnering and that can be dictated by hormones. If you are more cooperative and passive that kind of thing.
There are pros and cons to both and both these types have imprinted genes which can be identified.
So knowing this are humans able to be monogamous? Yes and no. Humans have traits that are both Poly and Mono. Some humans have more lining with Mono and some are more poly. Example, Males are larger than the females, like in poly species, yet there are males who are cooperative and social skills and we also have imprinted genes of both. We are unfortunately a confused species somewhere in between the two.
So what was our conclusion with this information? Well you need to recognise which one of them you are more aligned to and what you want. We have highly developed social skills and you should be able to convay your desires. If you are someone who is more suited to a poly lifestyle you should not waste your time with someone who is looking for a monogamous lifestyle.
HonningKanin
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (29 October 2009):
 I was in my first relationship (of two serious ones) for seven months. I did not cheat, but she found time to cheat with four other men.
I was in my more recent relationship for three years and we were engaged before she left me. I never cheated, never even considered it, but she dumped me for the other guy she was with.
So I have never even contemplated cheating. I could never, would never cheat. Not sex, not a kiss, nothing. But I've yet to find a girl that doesn't cheat in my limited experience.
Monogamy exists, but it's possibly rare for the reason that maturity and integrity are rare.
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female
reader, AnOldSoul +, writes (29 October 2009):
Hm... My relationship is not perfect (in fact I do have a lot of problems at the moment), however, I have not been attracted to any other man. Ever. Used to work in a restaurant where I was the only female, and the guys used to openly admire other girls and even me. They had girlfriends. Now to me it was something appalling. To them it was normal as breathing and none of them believed that I genuinly was not attracted to anyone else and that I did not like looking and nice bodies. I did look, but all I did was compare them to my love. It disgusts me to even think of another man touching me. Maybe it is some kind of obsession, or maybe it is an actual love. Anyway I am happy with things the way they are.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): When you're 'in love' lust and love go hand in hand. Believe it or not there are couples out there that still want each other even after years of marriage, so much so that they may look at another person and think , hmm, he/she is attractive, but they couldn't be bothered entertaining any real thoughts about cheating because they're happy with who they have. It may not be too common, but it does happen.....
:)
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female
reader, menni +, writes (29 October 2009):
I dont think you have the "guy gene". I jst think that everyone goes through phases like these. I am not a bad person and i would never cheat, but i have felt the same. Try to stop thinking about it and maybe your feelings will go away.
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