A
female
age
41-50,
*rene8280
writes:I have a question and maybe someone could answer for me. I am engaged to a wonderful man. It took us awile to get where we're at right now. I moved in with my fiance back in January. He gave me his email password to show me that I could trust him. One day he left his email account up and I was curious, so I looked at some of his emails that he had recieved. I noticed he had a couple of friends who sent him emails with pornographic content. I didn't say anything to him. A few weeks later, I was curious once again and noticed that he had more pornographic emails from his friends. This time I confronted him, but not head on. I asked if he had ever recieved porn through his emails. He was truthful and said yes to me, but he said he had never viewed the emails. So, once again, I logged onto his email account and went back trhough some emails. I noticed that all the pornographic emails had been opened and I noticed that he had sent some himself in the past. Once again, I confronted him about the emails, but this time I confronted him about them being viewed. I also confronted him about emails he had sent out that had pornographic content. He explained that he never viewed the emails, he deleted them right away. So, I pointed out to him that they had been clearly viewed. He shrugged his shoulders and told me he didn't know what to say, but that he had never viewed them. I was hinting at if there was any way for him not to recieve those emails. His answer was basically, I don't think I can. I don't understand, if he doesn't view those emails and he's very much fulfilled in our relationship, why doesn't he tell his friends that I do not approve. I wouldn't have a problem if he just deleted them automatically when they come through the mail, but I know he doesn't. He tried to explain to me that sometimes he doesn't realise what the content is until he clicks on the email. Again, if you know that those two particular individuals send you pornographic emails, why would you open them. Please, I just need someone to help me understand this. Have I violated his privacy if he gave me his password? Is this childish and foolish of me to be worring about? Am I taking away his manhood by asking him not to view that content? Please, can someone give me some advise. My fiance talks about how I need to trust him, but he needs to be truthful about looking at that content. He tells me he deletes them, but why have they been opened.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): It sounds to me like he wanted you to know about it. Why else would he give you the pass word?
A
female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 It really does depend on your values. The lying would worry me and that's not a good basis for a relationship. Also, if you have strong views against porn, then the relationship will not work long term if he continues to view it or lie about it. I had this in my relationship and at first I tried to embrace what my partner was watching but it wasn't for me. I loved my partner but I started to view him as a bit of a neanderthal and I started to look outside of our relationship by contacting old boyfriends on facebook. When I realised what was happening, I spoke to him about it and he now doesn't look at it. If he had not have stopped, then I would not be with him now and he knows it. I do not wish to be with the sort of man who views porn and thinks of his own gratification and who is unable to see the bigger picture. In fact we were watching Wimbledon last night with a friend of his who is an avid porn watcher; a young 17 year old girl sat down and covered her dignity with a towel. The friend started saying "oh, is she covering up the money shot - kerching" when my partner reminded him that she was probably covering her legs to keep warm. You see the difference between the two view points? The type of man who watches porn is not the guy for me and I am strong enough to have the courage of my convictions, have you?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): I've been looking at porn for 30 years and can guarantee I'd never cheat on my wife. Women really don't understand we can't stop wanting to look at naked women anymore than you can stop eating your favorite foods. Love him and don't make him feel like a heal for scratching natures itch. You're trying to understand this part of him is like a guy trying to understand why women love all the artsy fart'sy stuff that clutters the house.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 Yeah I have to agree with the majority vote here...let it go. For one thing,your fiance sounds like a genuinely nice guy. Not too many guys would allow their girlfriends to have this much of a say in their personal lives.
He gave you his password. That's nice of him. That also means he has nothing to hide from you. Second, he didn't try changing his password, even when he knew you were looking up his mails.He could have easily done that, AND accused you of not trusting him. Not only has he not done all that, but he has also tried to explain everything rationally to you.
Look, guys do things which we would never understand. For you and me, if we ever received a filthy mail, we would probably block the sender. But guys dont take this stuff too seriously. They have friends send them dirty mails/pics, and more often than not, they dont even look at them or bother about them. He probably opens these mails just to see if its something important, if its not, then I guess he just forgets about it.
I think you should cut him some slack here. If you try to be too overbearing, then he might not tell you anything henceforth, just to avoid a scene. Remind yourself that you're lucky to have a wonderful fiance and you have nothing to worry about.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): In answer to your questions. I don't think asking him to stop viewing porn will take away his manhood. In my opinion, taking away his manhood would be if you asked him to explain to his friends that you read his mail and you want to censor it!
His emails are opened because he opens them. There is no other explanation. They don't open on their own and forward the content to others. He is or has done that himself, no matter what he tells you. He is lying about it because he doesn't want to get into trouble with you.
No you are not invading his privacy. If he willingly gave you his password and invited you to check, there has been no invasion.
You aren't being childish or foolish to worry. If you have an issue with pornography and lying, then you have a right to feel concerned. Some might say 'get over it' or it is your own fault for looking. But the point is. At the core of any good relationship is shared values and honesty. If you don't feel you are getting those things with your partner then you have a valid cause for concern.
This problem can either be a deal breaker...you make threats and fuss, so he tells his friends that HE doesn't want them to send anymore porn and he stops opening suspicious emails. Or you accept that this goes on sometimes and he can't resist taking a peek and you stop making an issue out of it. The choice is yours but one of you has to do something or this will become blown out of all proportion.
You aren't being foolish, you are just trying to protect your heart against deception. I hope you can sort things out to your joint satisfaction.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): Not to be mean or anything but maybe you guys shouldn't be engaged if there are some trust issues occuring? I understand where you're coming from. He's telling you that you need to trust him, but how can you trust someone that can't even tell the truth? You've seen it with your own eyes that the email has been viewed and he is trying to deny that he hasn't viewed it. What else do you think he is lying about? This is how it starts off with little lies and then eventually the lies grow. Goodluck with whatever you choose to do!
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (21 June 2011):
 I agree with your fiance. LET THIS GO.
First, you do not NEED to understand everything that goes on in your fiance's head. He is entitled to however he chooses to view his email. I believe it is entirely possible to not know entirely what a buddy is sending.
Second, porn is FANTASY. It is quite normal for most men to view it. I think most healthy men see Porn as sexual fast food, while a loved mate is a gourmet meal. You are the main course dear! As long as it does not interfere with your own sex life.
He gave you that email account access and you are purposely looking for something to incriminate him. He did not go and sanitize it first, thinking..."Gee, will this piss her off?"
Sorry, but you are being TOO picky on him. GIve the guy a break.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): Oh please. What's the big deal?
If you're upset that he lied to you, just tell him. But if that's your real complaint, then you should at least recognize that you put him into a situation where the socially upstanding response was also a lie.
And no, he isn't looking at pornography because you aren't satisfying him sexually. He's looking at pornography because he's male. Other males aren't different, I promise.
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male
reader, freeme +, writes (21 June 2011):
 I would not worry about what his friends send him through e-mail. He may open it, and then just delete it. He may get a laugh from it.
"I am engaged to a wonderful man. "
Take that statement to heart. Stop worrying about what he is looking at, and worry more about how he is treating you.
It sounds to me like he treats you well. He must have a reason for that. You think it's love? I bet it is.
Good Luck to you.
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male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 So what,he gave you his password,he felt he could be open with you about such matters,he felt that whatever content he has there is no big deal to it,but clearly he was wrong as you are now making a mole out of a mountain hill or whatever it is...stop creating drama n focus on his actions,theyre speaking loud n clear!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): I hate to say it - but I think 99% of men look at porn online or seek it out. If he's getting the emails - I'm sure he's also looking but the real question here is WHY does it bother you? It's a fantasy. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. Why are you threatened?
I also know from personal experience that boyfriends lie about this sort of stuff. My ex of 3 years swore he'd never look again after I caught him watching pissing porn. What did I find 3 months later!? A stash of 50 DVDs stashed in a gym bag and he had moved all his porn to subfolders labeled as work. The lying REALLY upset me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): If his friends send him porn, so what? It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean your not attractive it just means he's human! If your friends sent you some kind of weekly male topless hottie, would you not open it? Would you ask them not to??
If I were you I would probably grow up a bit and leave him alone before he gets tired of it. Hate to sound harsh but nothing more unattractive than a jealous, Insecure and demanding partner. It just gets tiring after a while.
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female
reader, SillyB +, writes (21 June 2011):
 okay seriously girl, let the guy be a red blooded male! Its just pictures! He's not emailing women to send him photos...its just CHAIN emails with pornographic jokes/pictures. Let him be his own human being. You are not the prettiest woman he has ever seen, you are not the only naked girl he's ever seen, yes he likes looking at naked pictures of other women(its a part of a mans biology to want to look at other women)and NO its not harming your relationship or how he views you. Let the poor guy be, tighten that leash any more and he'll begin to wonder why he even bothers being in a relationship with you.
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reader, AnalyzeTHIS +, writes (21 June 2011):
Lots of people exchange sexually explicit emails because they are funny. Sometimes the shock value of opening such an email makes them even funnier! My advice is to examine your priorities. Is this really a deal breaker? Sometimes when we have a lot going for us in a relationship, it's possible to dwell on the little things. In my opinion, this is not the end of the world. I would say that if you checked his email and found out a female friend had sent some pornographic pictures of herself then that would be cause for alarm! I suggest that you take him at his word, and let him know you trust him - After all, you are engaged to the guy! However, continue to monitor his email from time to time. The truth always reveals itself in time. You don't want to come across as a nag or scold him like his mother. Save the ball-busting for the deal-breaker issues!
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female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 Well if someone gives me the keys to their car, chances are I'll drive it. If they tell me to never look in the trunk chances are I'll look. Chances of finding a dead cat in the trunk unlikely but you never know until you venture there.
So is it a problem of nothing ventured nothing gained or curiosity killed the cat.
He gave you the keys, you opened the trunk and voila it was a naked woman.. he denies it, you worry, he ignores, you worry, so who's gaining here? It's all hearsay and denial. Bill Clinton got away with it so survey says, your bf will too.
However, who's got more power Bill or Secretary of the State Hillary?
Give him back his car keys and drive your own wheels. Power is the best aphrodisiac and well, the best revenge to those of you who require the ultimate climax and a sunset finish.
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