A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone ,well i ve been wit my boyfriend 5 yers now , things were going well up untill his ex wife caught cancer . now it feels like he s more interested in her an wants to help her out an is running up an down to hospitals , he also has two kids . she was a very abusive ex wife an treated him an the kids wit no respect , she is also an alcoholic an since she became sick he seems to have dropped everything to do things for her . it seems like i;m second an i dont like this one bit , i know she has cancer an i dont think i m selfish it just feels like we re going backwards instead of forward , i need some advice on where to draw a line here cos it s a bit much to handle , also he says he s making the effort for the kids , pls help
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (1 July 2011):
 It is HIS decision. Let him make it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshould he go back to china or stay here for his kids who are not willing to help either as they were abused by their mother or should he go back an be there for them from abroad helpfuls answers only please
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (30 June 2011):
He should should do what ever he thinks is best for his kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshould he go back to china or stay here for his kids who are not willing to help either as they were abused by their mother or should he go back an be there for them from abroad helpfuls answers only please
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell , we are supposed to go back to china , as of now i am not sure that will be happening wit the state of the situtaion , as of now the daughter is moving away for work purposes an will only be at home for weekends an the son will be there al during the week , i still dont see the point in having him there an having to put his whole life on hold for his kids when they aren t even going to be der themselves , plus the ex wife has said she doesn t want him doing anything for her an she doesnt want him helping , but still an all the kids especially the daughter is just swanging off to work miles away an doesn t seem to care , an this point i think he should nt be there an should respect the ex wife decision . also i cant see why we should have to put our lives on hold for someone who does not want help an i think the daughter is only using him to stay there so she doesnt have too . its very unfair of her an she has always being very unfair to him an hold herself ransom to him when she doesnt get her own way , she also wants him to stop seeing me an go back to his wife even tho he doesnt want to an also the wife doesnt want him either , i think this is all wrong an its not fair , she is his ex for a reason . because there finished . people should really build a bridge an get over it 5 years later an she is still ruining our lives , i beginging to think who is the parent here him or the daughter she is very selfish an deserves a good slap in the face . he deserves to be happy an she should be happy for him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): is he spending more time helping her than he would if it was any other family member in the same situation, like one of his siblings or an uncle for example?
well just look at it this way. Let's say it was his mother who had cancer, he would be running around spending a huge amount of time at hospitals in that situation too. But you wouldn't feel jealous in that situation, right? so just think of his ex-wife as some distant family member.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 June 2011):
If he didn't have kids with her, then you'd have more of a case.
But, this isn't just some woman. This is the mother of his children, and I am sure he'd doing this for their sake. Unfortunately for you, this is one of those situations where you have to accept that he will be doing this. What you don't want is to say something, come across as selfish and wind up with him being angry because he's concerned about his children, and in turn his kids will turn against both you and him.
Sorry, but this is something that you'll have to accept. He's told you he's doing this for his kids, which is the right thing to do.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (21 June 2011):
I think you would handle the situation better IF you had some compassion towards her illness.
Your BF and she have two kids together? Well, then that is the Mother of his children.
You may not have forgiven her for what she did in the past, but if he is helping her..it looks like HE has and that is HIS choice.
While you do not THINK you are selfish, you are acting that way. You feel like you not in first place.
The children probably do not want to lose their Mother and if he says he is making the effort for the kids wellbeing. Then believe him.
If she does not recover, the situation can be far worse with the grieving...have a heart and see that he is showing kindness. That is actually really beautiful.
This is TEMPORARY.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): My partners ex is a very abusive woman to him and me, despite the fact i didn't even know either of them when they broke up. And she is not an alcoholic, so she doesn't have that challenge! They have 4 children and i have already sorted it out in my mind, what would happen if she became ill. I would look after the children, support my partner any way i could and even look after his ex wife if the situation demanded. I would do it for him and the children. Because parental illness is something you HAVE to bare in mind and plan for when you choose a partner that is also a parent.
Nothing lasts forever and neither will her illness. Hopefully she will make a full recovery. How you react now could have far reaching effects on your relationship. If you put your shoulder to the yoke with your partner now, when he needs your support and understanding. He will come out the other end of this, thinking you are the most wonderful person alive. It will strengthen his love for you. If you nag and sulk it will leave him wondering what he is doing with someone who makes a bad situation far worse when the poop hits the fan.
I'm sure he is very worried about the children and is helping as much for them as anything else. So try and imagine how they all must feel and do your best to help him out for the time being. He is responsible for the children. It is only right and proper that he helps out given the situation.
Hopefully his ex wife will recover well and once that has happened if you feel she is taking advantage of him, THEN you can say something. But for now i would do all you can to help him out.
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