A
male
age
30-35,
*otF Fan
writes:Ive being going out with my girlfriend for nearly two years now and early on in the relationship i found she wasnt a virgin. This was painful for me to hear for two reasons:1-I belive that you should lose your virginity to someone you love and want to spend your life with and I wanted it to be with someone else who had waited and i have enforced it my entire life which has cost me alot2-she only admitted this after we had sexnow she lost her virginity to someone she didnt love or even wanted it with...but he pressured her into it and he was 16 while she was underage at 15 and she regrets it and hates herself for it. This has caused me alot of pain for over a year and has caused depression that i am now seeing professional help for as it has destroyed my self esteem and made me hate my life and caused suicidal thoughts as it meant alot to mePart of me feels as though i should end this relationship but im not sure as I do love her and she loves me and she shouldnt be futher punished for a mistake she regrets everyday....she deserves to be happy and I know I make her happy.I just dont know what to doI feel as though I cant handle this relationship anymore but she doesnt deserve more pain for this mistakeplease help me becuase I dont know what to do
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male
reader, PotF Fan +, writes (3 June 2012):
PotF Fan is verified as being by the original poster of the question I thought some advice was a harsh response to me.Yet saying that I'm improving Firstly my insecurities came after it happened, as an affect of the upset. Who says that someone who isn't religious can't believe that virginity is important? I have seen many posts by woman who were upset for the same reasons and yet they were treated with respect and sympathy yet when i say i cared about it I'm treated like a misogynistic idiot. Saying the way I think is ^^^^^ and that i do not care for my girlfriend or treat her with respect. I treat my girlfriend with respect. I'd understand if I was asked if it as changed the way i treat her, but to accuse me of it? Here I am, telling everyone that through a lot of time to think and effort sorting out my depression I have managed to see that this relationship is the best thing that either of us ever had and that i wish for it to never end. Is that not a good thing? and yet I felt my motivations were called into question yet again saying I've turned the tables on you and have suddenly changed my mind. If people have ever suffered from depression they would know its hard to think straight while your suffering and that anything in the world seems a better alternative to the pain. To all those who actually helped me I thank you again
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 May 2012):
 OP, now don't go turning the tables on us. You had generally been advised to leave your gf BECAUSE you said that you COULD NOT stand the torment and the pain of your gf's non-virginity, to the point you were breaking down ( see title , and text, of your question ). So, the sensible advice is, well, if you can't change your mind, and can't stand the pain, then change gf.
As a matter of fact, it turns out that you actually CAN stand the pain , and doing what ? just precisely what most of us have advised too: cut the drama, and weight on the scale pros and cons. Lack of virginity on one end, all her wonderful,endearing qualities on the other end, and see what weights more; you may find that the good wins over the "bad" tenfold, and that will make you see the excruciating supplice etc.etc-as something in fact totally bearable.
It seems it has gone precisely this way.
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reader, PotF Fan +, writes (20 May 2012):
PotF Fan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell its been over a year since i wrote this. While i admit the pain hasn't gone away or decreased i can tell you i have grown numb to it. I'd like to the thank the people who tried to help me through the pain without attacking my character, motives or generally calling me an idiot. I'd especially like to thank aresu for bringing the point of a double standard up as my research into men with a similar problem always includes someone calling them sexist for wanting virginity because they are virgins themselves. When a woman says it shes told she is brilliant for trying and they hope she succeeds. I am still with my girlfriend despite suggestions i should leave her and we are going strong so to all those who said i didn't deserve her or vice versa then put plainly you were wrong. Despite what has happened i will deal with the pain and torment for her because she is perfect for me. I'm proud i gave my virginity to someone so perfect for me but also have to deal with the fact that hers will never be given to me. Yes it hurts, yes the betrayal hurt. Thinking that what you tried for and hoped for came true then losing it is never easy. but i will endure the pain as it is i can do. there is no-one better for me and thats it.
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reader, nyorca  +, writes (24 November 2011):
It's been a while since you asked this question, and I hope it's been resolved since. However, reading some of your subsequent posts, if it's causing you to be self-destructive as you say, then you would do well to talk to a caring professional rather than ask the internet... Your conflict is nothing to be ashamed of but I think you would get a better ear with someone who has studied the mind/emotion/attachment.
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reader, aresu  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 you know what i have realized??. there is a double standard against chaste men who want chaste partners. people dont care if chaste men have stayed without sex for all their life, and they want someone who has too i dont see why it should not be fair. i can assure you people that if he was complaining about almost any other thing, you would be much more understanding.
is not different to wanting someone with the same tastes as you, or the same moral code, or the same outlook in life.
it seems that people when they see that men want virginty, they inmediately think of a sexist jerk, and they side with the guilty party, like if her lying wasnt a big deal, for them their mentality is like "o yea she lied, that sucks, ohh but this guy values virginity, so he must be a retarded sexist caveman and doesnt matter what she did, he is the one to blame for his way of thinking".
in regards to your problem, i think you should leave her, she lied to you, she used deception as a way to get to you, and thats not fair, she stole your virginity, and it was something very valuable to you, and more importantly, she took away your choice to look for someone else, so end your relatonship, and find someone who is truethful about herself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): i belong from muslim culture. virginity is very important thing in our culture . in our religion said if you find out that your wife is not virgin then first try to forgive her if you cant then leave her sooner then later.
you knew about her virginity 2 years ago so in two years you slept with her , gave her hopes and dreams.
now after two years its hard for you to forget abour her past.
why virginity is important for you???? what is logical reason???
lot of girls do oral or porn but they always saved your virginity.....so you think these girls are pure??
to be honest you can find virgin girl but there will be not sure that she will love you...
you gave your girl friend hard time but she is still with you..
did you ever think about that why she is still with you???
because she love you......
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Her having sex with another guy before she was with you is a totally different issue from her lying to you about it.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 May 2011):
 ps. In my first answer I was not aware that she had lied to you about the virginity, which is why I answered the way I did.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (2 May 2011):
I don't think this should be about forgiving her "mistake" of having had sex before she met you. She lied to you about being a virgin, didn't she? Then that is what broke your dream, the fact that she lied to you. If she had been honest about not being a virgin you could have moved on to be with someone else who was a virgin.But then again, if you did want to only have one sex partner for your entire life, did you express this strong enough to her when you met? Did you emphasis how much she being a virgin mattered in this? Because if she knew, and still went on to have sex with you, SHE was the one who didn't love you enough, or respected you enough, or even cared enough, to be honest. Which means she was even more deceitful than whatever guy she lost her own virginity to. How you in retrospect can view her as a wonderful person is beyond me and I would have grown into disrespecting her or even resenting her for the lies she told and for tricking me. Coping with having your dream shattered is one issue, but the other issue is coping with a girlfriend who stepped on you and your dreams in such a manner. How do you deal with that, do you deal with that at all? Because either you are ignoring that she lied to you, or you are incredibly noble to be able to overcome such a betrayal from her.
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reader, adamantine  +, writes (2 May 2011):
 I just have a quick question.. if she had been raped, would you still have the same attitude? as it would have been something out of her control, something she did not want and something she would feel terrible about? I just say this because most girls do not put weight on the ACT of sex itself, it's more the emotional side behind it. sure, the act has been done, but if you ask her, she probably will tell you that sex with you, someone she loves and adores, outweighs anything from her past.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 May 2011):
I can't but reiterate my previous advice : leave her . If you love her as you say, you'll understand that she deserves marrying somebody who cherishes her exactly like she is, and that fully accepts her with all her past " mistakes " and imperfections. In a way, you are right- in fact, personally I think your way of thinking is totally fucked up, BUT, it's YOUR way of thinking and you have right to think and feel whatever you want. You have been trying for the last 2 years to change your ideas and feelings, I assume you have done your very best, ... you couldn't : then give up. You tried your best, now let it go. This may look like the perfect relationship, but it's not, because this thing is gnawing at you, so far you have been able to not take it out on her , to not let it interfere much with your relationship- good ,but I don't believe for a second you'll be able to keep this up for the next 20 or 30 years, this is gonna end up in tears and might as well to cry now before there are any children involved. Again, if you love her , you'll understand that keeping her for yourself seems loving but it is in fact selfish. She sounds like a good girl and she deserves the chance to meet a guy who will think of her as his goddess, the worthiest person on earth, and not as damaged goods .
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reader, PotF Fan +, writes (2 May 2011):
PotF Fan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt bothers me because it meant alot to me. Call me old fashioned but virginity was something important and special...not just something you give away. Now maybe that is the wrong way to look at it but its what i belived. Now all of a sudden its gone. This ideal that i tried so hard for, just gone. I can never acheive it or fufill it or however you want to put it. Now maybe it meant too much to me...but the fact is Im having trouble coping with it being gone. Something I would have treasured for the rest of my life (cos dont get me wrong i would love to spend my life with this women) and ive tried for 9 years when i first realised thats what i wanted to do. Well that was given to a person who does not care about it, someone who didnt even care for her, someone she didnt love and didnt even want to get that intimate to. Now I try my hardest to empathise with my girlfriends situation and I know this must be horrible for her. Regretting this mistake is all she should have to do I know (as thats what she was doing before she met me). But now she has to watch someone she loves destroy themselves over it. If i cant handle the relationship and leave she will think its her mistake causing further pain as much i would try and convince her its me. So yes I do my best to understand but you must also do the same for me.Something that meant alot to me is gone forever. I can never try for it again nor know what it feels like again (i say again because the short time between thinking it had worked and her telling the truth was perfect...it was undescribibly amazing) now i am emotionally unstable, depressed, I despise myself and tear apart my past trying to find where i went wrong, not her, so I hate that as well. My relationship is perfect...we dont fight, we never run out of thing to talk about and just seem to know each other perfectly and to sound even more weird ill say tht we both agree its like we are made for each other. this makes this pain even worse as i feel as even though im having a lot of trouble coping, for it to destroy this amazing and perfect relationship would be just so wrong and yet thats what its doing. I want to be able to just move on and get on with my life with her but no matter what Ive tried this torturous pain never goes away. thats why i came here...for help or advice on what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): The OP cares about this because it's completely normal for a guy in his shoes to care. It's completely normal for reasons that have already been addressed on this thread.
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reader, Aliceinunderland +, writes (1 May 2011):
 And I apologised in advance.
It just appears that you've come onto this site with a problem, but you yourself are unsure of what it is. Note that I said appears. I'm not judging you. But it's a fact that by making things personal it gets to people.
In a way I'm glad you're offended because it really helps. I'm not being a bitch here, not intentionally but, when you are offended you open up more. Now it's easier to see what you are saying. And I'm glad you've managed to spit out how you are really feeling.
I just don't get why you're so hung up about it. Why exactly does it bother you?
All I want to say is can you read your original question as someone other than yourself, and see any sense in what you are worrying about?
Again, I apologise for any offense. I just sympathise for your gf's past experience as I have been through it too.
Regards,
Aliceinunderland.
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reader, PotF Fan +, writes (1 May 2011):
PotF Fan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay I came on here for help...help overcoming this and deciding what i should doand instead in alot of cases i have been offended and insulted in whats been said and many of you point out whats wrong with me which i already know...when i need to know what to do now i admit some of these comments are due to lack of information on my part so YouWish i have never had sexual interaction with anyone else....hugging and kissing was as far as it went because i cared about them but i also knew i did not love them so did not go any furtherChigirl I am not contridicting myself as i do want to spend my life with her as I adore her but the pain this is causing me is making me doubt that I can handle this relationship not my desire to be in itI have never imposed this on anyone else and i do not blame, hurt or attack my girlfriend...i do know it is my problem and i try my best to hide the pain it is causing me as i do not want to hurt herAliceinunderland your first post helped...even though i do try see this from her perspective and i do not think only of my situationyour second post however offended and insulted me. You said that i am disregarding peoples advice when all i have done is clarify parts of my problem to help people understand about the situation and how i feel. I have come here asking for help overcoming this and you have said Im wasting peoples time. You have called me a control freak when the only person i have enforced this on is myself. you have twisted my words saying that i think everyone is like me when all I was saying was tht I am not demanding my gf to be a virgin when i am not one myself as that is very wrong.thank you moinonplus,girlfriend000,Jen1689,nyorca and chigirl what you have said has helped.
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reader, Aliceinunderland +, writes (1 May 2011):
Okay. What I'm about to tell you is exactly what you need telling. You asked for help on here. Thats what we're trying to do. You're insecure. You're a control freak "I enforced it..."You have a view of the world wrong. "I wouldn't ask this of someone if I couldn't do it myself. "Do you not think that everyone has a life of their own? Do you think that everyone is as physically, mentally or emotionally strong as the next person? Because no-one is the same. You have your views, I have mine. I suggest you let go of the past, before you dig a bigger hole. If you love her you will let go. If you don't it just proves that you are half the man you claim to be. Sorry for any offense caused but you contradict yourself and you clearly are not listening to any of the agony aunts on here who are offering very good advice. We're wasting our time on you. There are people out there who have had their hearts broken by their loved ones. By cheaters, compulsive liars, by abusive partners. By death. And here you are, all hooked up about one girl not being a virgin. It wasn't her fault! She didn't love him. She loves you!!! Get that into that head of yours!!!!!
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reader, YouWish +, writes (1 May 2011):
 First of all, I understand that you were upset that she lied to you. No one should lie about their sexual history especially about their virginity. In my opinion, having prior experience isn't something to be ashamed about, but you're right, it's a compatibility issue.
Having said that, are you sure you don't have more sexual history and experience than your girlfriend? Didn't you say that you had had "many girlfriends"?
Maybe you didn't have intercourse with them, but did you have oral sex, mutual masturbation, heavy petting, dry humping, anything that caused you to ejaculate with any of them? Have you seen any of your former girlfriends in any stage of nakedness? If so, have you touched said nakedness? If the answer is yes, I would be guessing that your sexual history has more to it than hers. That's something you might not have factored in.
Also, as others have pointed out, you had sex early with this girl. I'm thinking that with your earlier partners, you sorta "warmed up" sexually, though you withheld the actual penetration? I can't imagine that you only shook their hands on your dates! heh
Bottom line is...you do not have to be insecure and jealous. I'm thinking you've had more history than she has. Not to sound crude, but you do not have to be upset about a young boy who knew how to "stick it in", so to speak. Obviously, the guy was crap, and her being with you for two years shows that she loves you with all of her heart. You are on equal footing. In fact, it could easily have been her writing your post on here about your past with girls, because girls don't put this massive importance on the "sticking it in" part like guys do. That's why emotional affairs have such an impact on us.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (30 April 2011):
Why are you contradicting yourself? You believe you should only have sex with one person and the one who you love and want to be with for the rest of your life. By that standard you can not leave her, as you are to love her and spend the rest of your life with her.
So what if you leave her and meet someone else who wants the exact same, but doesn't want you because you are no longer a virgin and you have also proved that just because you have had sex, that is no guarantee that you will stay with them forever?
Did your girlfriend lie to you and told you she was a virgin? And then after you had sex she told you she was not? Unless this is what happened, why, if it is so important to you, did you not ASK her about this BEFORE you had sex?
All of this implies that this isn't about the sex, or her actions, or some ideology. This is about you being insecure, not certain of where you are going in life, and so in lack of better structure you cling on to some ideas you have created. Such as it being a problem that she wasn't a virgin. That is a problem you have created for yourself, that damages yourself probably way more than it damages her. The reason you are now struggling is not because she had sex before she met you. It is because you don't know what you want in life, you are unsure, and you need to blame it on something. You blame it on her. While in truth, your insecurity, your problem with this, all stems from yourself.
You are the one who can not handle being in a relationship because you let imperfections bother you to the stage where you need professional help. If it wasn't the virginity thing, I am willing to bet that it would be something else bothering you. Such as "she was in love with someone else before me", or something else that goes against your "ideal" woman or relationship. Perhaps "she has indecent fantasies that I can not live with".
The virginity issue is important to you not because it in itself is important. It is important because you MAKE IT important. You alone are the one who decide how much emphasis you should put on this particular topic.
If you go on to think like you do you will effectively trap yourself inside of your own web of "rules" for a relationship, rules like you can only be with one person ever, or you must love that person forever, or stay with them forever, or the like. If you follow those rules it becomes unbearable that she didn't follow the same rules (even though you and her NEVER agreed on the rules at any stage... you are imposing your personal rules on her). And then, if you leave her, it becomes unbearable to enter another relationship and have a normal relationship, because you would be breaking your own rules.
The only thing left to do is to set yourself free from this prison you have created for yourself. Drop the rules. It is important to you, fine, but do not make it a rule. You would have liked it more if she was a virgin when you first had sex, but in life you can not always have everything perfect and ideal. Accepting that is the first step. Also accept that it is OK even if things aren't perfected to match your dream. Things will NEVER match your dream now as you are no longer a virgin. You must accept that, with or without your girlfriend.
If you love her and she makes you happy, isn't she worth staying with, seeing as you have a great relationship? Why throw that away? Isn't it better to be happy in an imperfect reality, than miserable and striving to reach an impossible dream?
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reader, PotF Fan +, writes (30 April 2011):
PotF Fan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for helping me...even if some of the posts made me feel even worse...i appreicate itlook ill clarify a few thingsI have never blamed her for this....im angry at her ex for pressuring her into this even more so that she was underageshe blames herself for this and i do my best to convince her its not...i know its meit just meant alot to me....i tried for this, I gave up alot to make it right and now its gonei understand why she lied to me and i can forgive her for doing that as she is ashamed at what happened even without what its doing to methe suicidal part may seem like a bit much...but this has destroyed my self esteem....i pick apart my own past trying to find something that could have changed this....not hersi know it is based on insecurities but i dont know where from but it may seem silly but one of the things that hurts the most is that even though im not one to normally believe in that sorta thing, id call her my soulmate as it feels so rightand to think that i waited for her to make it special...yet my soulmate couldnt wait for me....well it sounds silly but it hurts....aloti can also understand why many of you think im just being selfish or controlling but please believe me im noti dont have rules or anything...i do my best to make sure she doesnt have to pay when we are out and i treat her with respectits just this meant alot to me...maybe to much...and now its gone....and im finding it hard to deal with it
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reader, nyorca +, writes (30 April 2011):
I think the situation is more about you and not your girlfriend.I think the only thing that will get you through this is to forgive her. It meant a lot to you and you are stuck between feelings of total disintegration and also love for this girl. I've been there so I know what that feels like. Forgive her, forgive yourself, there is redemption in that (I know that sounds Christian of me but I am not in fact!) We all have hopes and dreams that get built up,in the end, all we have is our selves..Take heart in your self- you are great and these ideas of virginity/non-virginity are getting in your way of truly experiencing your life -they are holding you back. It was a wonderful dream and a commendable wait, but now you are in the world and good things can still happen, you just have to realize that it's not as cookie cutter as you wanted. But it can still be deep, meaningful and powerful
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reader, Aliceinunderland +, writes (30 April 2011):
Do you know what? That girl deserves the best guy she can get. I went through exactly the same as her at fourteen years old. And two years on I can't face guys my age. It really messed my life up. I honestly think that you are being selfish. Have you talked to her about how you feel? Have you considered her feelings?She couldn't help not being a virgin. And she trusted you enough to tell you about her experience. That is the hardest part. Trusting. And she did it. Seriously, if you are going to end it then tell the truth. But to warn you, I doubt she'll want to know you. I wouldn't really appreciate a guy dumping me because he is really hooked up about the fact I wasn't a virgin when we met. Then again I wouldn't stay with such an insecure guy with problems to do with me. It makes no sense. I know I sound like I'm knocking you, but I'm trying to make you see what this looks like to me. You need to assess the situation from her point of view. Really, how many virgins do you run into in my generation? A handful. It's nothing to be so hooked up about, especially if she couldn't help it. Don't grieve for her she doesn't want to grieve. She wants to move on. And you should do this with her. Hold her hand as you walk into the future. Kiss her on the lips and tell her it's all okay. Or... Walk away alone. Missing out on possibly the best girl you've ever met.
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reader, Jen1689 +, writes (30 April 2011):
 I think the previous posters make a LOT of good points. Your issue with your girlfriend's virginity is not about her "lying" to you about it (if she even did). Your issue is not the fact that she did it before she was married (you two weren't married or even engaged when you first did it). It can't be that it was something completely sacred to you (honestly, you have those kinds of talks BEFORE doing anything like that. If she was indeed the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, HOW could you not know when she lost her virginity?). It's simply about you insecurities and jealousy on your part.I'm thinking the only reason she "hates" herself for the act is because she sees that it's causing you pain. She might regret losing it so early, or with someone that she didn't want to lose it to, but I guarantee you that if she indeed hated herself for it, she wouldn't have had sex with you. She'd be traumatized.If you're seriously thinking about ending you life over this relationship, you need to end it and get some help for yourself. I was a virgin when I met my fiance, but he had already slept with two other women. Does it hurt to think about? Sure. Do I compare myself to them? Sometimes. Do I punish him and make him HATE himself for it? I could never do that to someone I love. You don't love this girl if you're honestly thinking about harming or killing yourself over her actions that happened long before she met you. You have other major issues with YOURSELF that you need to get sorted out before you even consider entering another relationship. Because if you leave this girl, I guarantee you won't be able to find another virgin that you're honestly compatible with.And I hope that if you do end this, that you lighten your expectations about sex. Because according to you, you're SUPPOSED to be with this girl for the rest of your life because you lost your virginity to her. And according to you, no one else would want you because you've already lost your virginity to someone else that's not them. That's not the way the world works, and that's not how people think. Even if you leave her, someone else will want her for who she is NOW, and will not hold the past against her. On that same token, someone will want you as well.If you want to stay with her, you MUST let this go and seek help for your insecurities or other issues, because if you don't, I promise you it will manifest itself into something else. If you simply can't let it go, then I highly suggest you leave her and continue getting help. This won't just "go away", I know, but you have to begin reminding yourself that you have a great girl who loves you, and despite the fact that she wasn't a virgin when you had sex with her, she still makes you happy, and some people can't even find that in life. Good luck.
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reader, PotF Fan +, writes (30 April 2011):
PotF Fan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYouWish I can see where u are coming from and i will answer I was a virgin...thats what i meant when i said i have enforced...I enforced it on myself as well
I wouldnt ask this of someone if I couldnt do it myself
the reason it was early on is becauses I have had many girlfriends and i didnt feel as though i loved them so did not have sex with them
but with her it felt...right and I knew I loved her
She said she hadnt had sex before hand as she was ashamed of it....the fact she let herself get pressured into it when she didnt want it is why she hates herself for it...know that I dont blame her for this.
Cindycares i dont know if its spiritual or not...I just needed that because of who I am as a person....what i belived in
maybe I am just being controlling or just a prat..I dont know....it just meant alot to me. i shouldnt have wasted your time with this..im sorry
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reader, doublejack +, writes (30 April 2011):
For a moment let's forget the specifics about your girlfriend. The fact is, every girl you meet is going to have some history. People have sex. It is enjoyable and natural, and we all gain sexual experience in our own way. Sometimes people come to regret parts of their history, but regardless of how they feel afterward nothing can be taken back. Our experiences make us who we are.So say you did break things off with your gf because her history is too much for you to handle... what then? You fall in love with a different girl, perhaps? She'll have her own history. There's no guarantee her first time will have a different story than your current gf's. Young boys chase after young girls for sex, that's how we're wired (and the difference between 16 and 15 is nothing, nothing at all. It is a moot issue that the boy was a little older than her). There are many, many women out there who share the same story. They felt pressured to have sex when they did it for the first time, unsure if they were ready or not. It is not too different than a child afraid to jump into a swimming pool for the first time. They really want to do it, but are just scared... sometimes they just need a little push.Here's another way to view it... you didn't have to pressure your gf for sex, did you? Maybe that is only because she DID have experience with it. If she didn't, if she were a virgin, maybe she would have resisted the idea of sleeping with you. Would you be OK with yourself if you had felt you coerced her into sex?Maybe you'll tell yourself that will break things off and you just won't ask from now on. You'll find a new gf and won't pressure her for details of her past. But what if some time down the road your new gf's history comes out? It could happen during a night of drinking, when a conversation just turns to sex. Avoidance isn't a fix.Hopefully you're starting to see that the core issue here isn't your gf's sexual history, but rather you not coming to terms with the fact that she has one. The professional you're getting help from should be working with you to accept your gf as she is, for who she is. She wants to be with you now, that means something. If you continue to obsess on her history it will eventually drive her away. Do you really want that?I wish you the best as you try to work your way through this. It sounds like your gf truly loves you and is sticking by your side. Don't throw that away!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): Let's look at the facts and how this has played out so far:
The girl lied to the guy about something that he felt strongly about. She secretly exposed him to STD risks than he didn't know about in the process. She also demonstrated that she will keep sexual secrets from him, which would throw the entire paternity of his children into question if this was back in primitive times. All this stuff strikes DEEP into the emotions of a normal healthy male, for obvious reasons.
But when the guy comes on Dearcupid and says he has a problem with her actions, he gets told that he must have some kind of "mental anxiety problem" and he probably needs therapy.
(sigh)
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (30 April 2011):
My advice to you would really echo what has already been said.Definitely continue with the therapy; I do find it hard to believe that this issue alone has led to you having suicidal thoughts, and that there are not other factors. Secondly, I think it is best that you end the relationship as your reaction to your gf's past must surely be impacting upon her very badly. If she knows why you are depressed then she is probably feeling guilty and responsible which, in my opinion, she should not be. I do feel that your reaction is highly disproportionate to the matter in hand. You are not married with children, for example. If you want to walk away you are free to do so.Lastly, I really have to ask WHY, if the question if virginity is such an important issue or you, you did not wait until after marriage to have sex. In this sense, as you are simply bf and gf, I do not see the difference between you gf having sex with her ex, or having sex with you. You are not engaged, or married. Why are you any different or more special? I really think you need to seriously explore your attitude towards sex and virginity. It seems to me that you want almost to have your cake and eat it, so to speak. You cannot guarantee you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone until you are married or at least engaged. If this is so important to you then why would you have sex before marriage? Your reasoning is rather confusing.If you made clear to your gf that you only wanted to sleep with her if she was a virgin and she deliberately misled you, then I understand that you have a right to feel aggrieved, however, in this case you need to end the relationship and move on. You cannot change what has happened. But stick with the counselling, I think it will be helpful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): It sounds like your rational mind knows that you should forgive her and not give her any more pain for what she did when she was 15, especially since her attitude is that she regrets it. However, jealousy and all the pain that comes with that are irrational and no amount of "convincing" yourself has worked so far. There are a lot of good discussions on this site about retroactive jealousy, and I hope your therapy is helping too.It sounds like you acknowledge that these are YOUR issues. Since you didn't break up with her soon after she first told you, and she trusted you enough to have sex with you, and you love her, you should stay and work on yourself to get over this. Part of her probably wants this relationship to help heal her from her regret and possibly distrust of guys as well.If she did not have sex between that time when she was 15 and when she was with you, that speaks volumes. It implies she shares your values even though she made a mistake when she was very young.Don't give up.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 April 2011):
I am going to comment something that has already been very well commented by You Wish, - and I am insisting on it to show you why most people would have trouble to "feel your pain ".
Let's take for granted that dismissing you with a : Aw come on, just get over it, would be simplistic and scarcely sensitive. Because there ARE people who give a powerful spiritual value to virginity and being the first , and when this is not the case, it's not just a let down, it's a whole moral world who gets turned asunder. Ok, but... what about you , was this really your case ? I doubt it.
You believe that virginity should only be lost with someone whom you love and want to spend your life with. Then why did you have sex with her before she become your wife ? Or at least your fiancee'.
You found out she was not a virgin "early in the relationship " -after you had sex. So why were you having sex ( and supposedly taking her virginity ) EARLY in the relationship ?. How early ? Few months, few weeks ? If it was so early, - how could you be sure she was the right person to spend your life with ? If virginity is such a serious issue for you, - one would expect you'd take your time and become absolutely , totally certain about the "foreverness" of your relationship. But, you did not.
Interesting- so, it's not about the break of an ethical code. It's rather unpleasantly about control - or maybe about the projection onto her of your anxieties and insecurities which got very little to do with her past sexual life. ( Meaning, if it weren't the virginity issue, you'd probably find something else to obsess about- maybe her first kiss ).
I think that , if you care about this girl, you should leave her . Eventually it will be for the best. I don't know why, but I am afraid you won't be able to put this thing to rest, and you may make her really miserable and ashamed of herself for something she does not need to be.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 April 2011):
Really? You want to kill yourself because SHE wasn't a virgin? You didn't mention whether or not you were a virgin when you had sex with her.
Also, you found out early on that she wasn't a virgin? Why not save yourself lots of therapy by breaking up with her then instead of dragging it out for a couple years?
Didn't you think that by having sex with her, you would have been de-flowering her? Also, if you'd wanted to wait to have sex with the person you are going to spend your life with, why didn't you wait until she was your wife? Fiance? Seems contradictory to have that principle but have sex before you enact it.
You also failed to mention whether or not she lied to you or simply if you didn't ask her and she told you later.
As far as whether or not she should or shouldn't be "punished", the answer is an emphatic NO. So she had sex. Big deal! Her only punishment is your attitude towards it. If you can't handle it, end the relationship. There are so many men out there who wouldn't throw away an obviously loving girl simply because they couldn't handle that she had had sex once before.
It breaks my heart that she hates herself for it. Regret, sure. Most of us made relationship decisions we now regret in hindsight. But hate? That's heartbreaking. She shouldn't hate herself. She's human, as are so many other people who have sex before marriage, yourself included.
Bottom line, if you stay with her, you have to put this thing to rest. If you can't, you shouldn't waste your time and hers. But you'll be pretty lonely if you're that picky about sexual history. I can understand guys who find out that their girlfriends had a sex life measuring into the hundreds (not that that is wrong either!) getting a bit freaked out, but one sexual encounter? That is a bit obsessive.
I think you should stay in therapy, because I think you have a mental anxiety thing going that has nothing to do with your girlfriend's sexual history.
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