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female
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anonymous
writes: Never, ever felt so utterly confused in my life. At least there are no kids involved. I married my partner, Tom - not real name - (of 6 years) 2 and a half years ago. I never so much as looked at anyone and 'thought' I was happy...until someone moved to our area to work in the same type of work as him (outdoor, hard physical work). I know I had changed from a confident person to very insecure during my relationship, as my husband didn't like me going out my friends so I lost my social circle and therefore he became my 'be all and end all'. When this new guy turned up (Toby - false name), at first I didn't really pay much attention but as the summer wore on (they work from where I live), I grew increasingly attracted to him, without the slightest idea he felt the same. We all had to attend functions together and whenever we saw each other we were just very polite and chatty (he had a girlfriend).After 3 months, I bumped into him on a night out I managed to get out on, with a girlfriend of mine. Nothing happened but I knew, I was falling for him. After that whenever my husband was away, we got more friendly, and then, we kissed. I'd fallen in love.This was last year and we did end up sleeping together and I've never felt so crazy about anybody ever; he felt the same.. We started talking about the possibility of a future together, it would mean him leaving his home and job and me leaving my husband, we were in love, we'd do whatever it took, and we did.He left and got a new job and home, I split with Tom, a decision he was fine with as we'd been arguing non-stop and he'd said he thought it was over and I wasn't the woman he'd married, and couldn't be doing with me wanting to go out etc. etc and moved to mum's (Tom didn't know about Toby). I spent time over at his and also at mum's, it was fine, a bit of a juggling act all to make sure Tom didn't find out but it was ok. Then something unfortunate happened at Toby's (which I won't put into detail as it may threaten the confidentiality) which really upset me personally but Toby was great and got me through it. Or so I thought. Then Tom started contacting me again, saying he'd made a huge mistake letting me go and that he'd change and do anything to get me, the absolute love of his life back. I had started to feel insecure at this new home, I think because I'd spent time at mum's and because of the upset I'd had, and I'd managed to be strong telling Tom, it was over but he kept on and on until I started wondering whether I owed it to marriage to try again.I've moved out of Toby's and back with my mum, he's completely heartbroken but willing to give me all the time and space I need, unlike Tom who's non-stop on at me to go back. I'm completely torn. I feel in love with Toby but unhappy living there, happy at my marital home (closer to my wonderful mum) but unhappy with Tom (can't even bring myself to kiss him), but I'll always be better off financially with Tom. (I know money isn't everything but it's not just that, I feel so secure at that home and so lost and insecure at Toby's, despite our genuine love for each other.I'm so so torn, I don't know how long I should try with my husband for (Toby does'nt know I'm seeing him) or just follow my heart... Head versus heart, just don't know what to do, feels like the right thing to do to go back to my husband but I feel I might be making the biggest mistake of my life if I give up Toby and lose him forever, please help...
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (27 September 2005):
 Isnt it wonderful to have two men to choose from, both at your disposal as and when you like? I honestly think that you owe both these men an explanation, and to leave them alone!! I dont think either choosing with your heart or head will do them any justice or do you any good for that matter. I guarantee you once youve made ure mind up to go with a guy, be it Tom or Toby, you'll mess it up again in time to come by craving for the other one you didnt choose!! You need to set things right here girl!! You're breaking all the rules in a relationship!!!
A
female
reader, laurette +, writes (26 September 2005):
The only way to know what situation is right for you would be if both your heart and your head are telling you the same thing. Giving your marriage another go might be the right thing to do in some cases but if you don't love your husband it isn't fair on him or yourself to continue under false pretences.
Toby seems to be where your heart is at the moment, yet you don't feel secure living with him, you have to figure out why these insecurities are there firstly before you make any more decissions.
The best thing to do ,should be to take time out from both these men , no contact for a while until you figure out what you want in life. who you want and who you would be able to do without. Having time out from these men will help you find yourself, make decission without any of these two men clouding your judgement.
You said you feel secure at home with your husband but you don't love him as much as you love Toby but maybe you do and you're just confussed about the situation you've found yourself in and maybe the excitment of being with Toby has overpowered your marriage.
Try asking yourself a few questions about both men ,why you fell in love with your husband?, what made you love him enough to marry him? what has changed since you wed that you can't change back. Do the same with Toby, why you think you love him more than your husband?, what has he got that your husband hasn't? and is he worth breaking up your marriage for?
(love should be all about loving them no matter what including all their flaws and bad habbits.)Trust seems to be a big issue here, insecurities fall under trust and feeling insecure living with Toby makes me think that his past has made you feel somewhat uneasy and that is why you haven't made your decission to be with him and not your husband. if the love you feel for Toby is strong then why aren't you with him? maybe you know that your husband is trust worthy and you do love him but you just need the love you once had to surface again, it can if you want it to!
The only danger here is that you could loose them both if you continue seeing them during your confussion. Your husband is going on at you to get back together because maybe he realises what he had was good and he's nothing without you and sounds as if he would be more than willing to change how things have been. If you feel lost without your husband then he is the other part of you that makes you whole. You mentioned that your husband didn't like you going out but that could be because he is insecure and worried he might loose you , maybe he's feeling he's been loosing you for some time now and by keeping you close might prevent that from happening unfortunately for him it has pushed you away into another mans arms.
Ask yourself what you would do if it was your husband wanting to leave you, would you except it or would you try to get him back???
This is a difficult situation but the answer is staring you in the face , you just have to find out what it is and the best way to do that is to give yourself a break from both men. Don't use either of these men because it will come back to bite you in the butt. If you choose your husband break all ties with Toby so that you don't find yourself in this situation again. If you choose Toby, don't seperate from your husband , make it finale so you can move on without keeping your options open becasue it isn't fair on you husband and the guilt will eventually get the better of you, As i said, before you make any decissions take time out and enjoy yourself and think carefully before your final decission is made.
i do hope that you can find the answers your looking for and good luck... may the best man win....
** laurette **
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2005): I love the fact that you're cheating on the the guy you were cheating with! Man you are truly a piece of work. Confused! You are way more than confused. You need to do a ton of soul searching and be honest with yourself. Maybe the kindest thing to do would be to cut both guys free and let them see if they each can find a decent, faithful partner. You need to straighten out your priorities, that is if you have any to straighten.
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A
reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (26 September 2005):
Always follow your heart
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A
female
reader, Happygoddess +, writes (26 September 2005):
I can't help but think you are doing this sort of backwards. You are supposed to NOT be married and find yourself interested in other men! First and foremost, look inside yourself and the drama that has become your life. Are you really happy inside this mess of your own creation? That is an indicator of that something is missing in your marriage, right? Ask yourself if your marriage (not money -- the unit and committment of marriage) means enough to you to turn your back on all this other crap and focus on. If your answer is no, then take the appropriate steps to end it. THEN, as you work on yourself, in time, you may find you want another partner. I suggest you take this step by step and divide and conquor. Please don't complicate this any further. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2005): the way i see it is that if you do not love your husbond you shouldn't be with him any more. you must always follow your heart or you will be misserable for the rest of your life. i hope this helps
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A
female
reader, Delirius +, writes (26 September 2005):
If money and security is enough to compensate for living in a suffocating environment then go back to your husband. You have to decide, no-one can do it for you. But while you work on your decision, think about this. When you are dying, will you look back and regret the decision you make, or will there be a man holding your hand who loves you still just the way you are, not the way he made you be.
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