A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,This is my first post so please be gentle with me!My husband and I got married 6 months ago after 6 years of being together. I didn't have any doubts at all before the wedding. However, only 2 weeks after we got back from our honeymoon I met a man at work who knocked me sideways. I had an almost instant overwhelming sexual attraction and it was my only ever experience of love/lust at first sight. I got to know him a little better over the 5 weeks that followed and, although we never discussed anything, I think the attraction was mutual. He is everything I could ever have desired in a man. He's kind, gentle, very intelligent, warm, full of empathy, etc. My studies took me to another place of work but now I am back and am desperate to bump into him and to rekindle our spark. He has a girlfriend and I think they are engaged. They've been together for many years as well and he is about 6-7 years younger than me. My husband and I are having psychosexual counselling for premature ejaculation and to increase intimacy between us. He is lovely but I dont find him that physically attractive any more, although he is probably more conventionally attractive than my crush. I am stressed because we're planning on trying to start a family soon. Is it normal to have crushes when you're married? Is this just a phase? Will I be able to forget my crush? Please help! :0)
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female
reader, bernergirl  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 I think you are normal. I would just accept that you will be attracted to other men in your lifetime. Sounds very normal to me. However, this is where those pesky vows come into play. You fell in love with your husband and at one point it was filled with sexual desire and energy. The key is to try and transfer that lust to your husband again. Its not easy but the right thing never is, I would just try to put yourself in your husbands shoes, how would you feel if the situation was reversed. Good luck, keep us updated.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): I had a few crushes during my marriage. I remember being concerned enough to read up about it, and got told not to worry about them. However, you would be smart to take this crush as a red flag (as well as the very-real feeling that you no longer find your husband sexually attractive) and pursue this in counselling. Please, don't try to conceive before you straighten this out on whether you still want to be married or not-- it would only complicate matters further. I wish you luck! (remember too-- all those crushes fade into oblivion in time. If you do permit yourself to fantasize, at least promise yourself not to ever act on it!) :)
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (9 February 2011):
 During this time, which is just after getting married and in the midst of counseling for sex/intimacy issues, the absolute worst thing you could do is foster a crush or even have an affair.
As long as you continue to entertain such thoughts you will sabotage any possible benefits from counseling. It will simply make it impossible to make any progress on the relationship you share with your husband.
I have a friend that is married, and she is involved in an affair with a married man. That man and his wife have been in counseling for years, and they have real problems with intimacy and sex (they have sex once every few months). Over the past year my friend has been torn up over her involvement with the married man, because she knows that any time that man and his wife make the least bit of improvement in their situation it is destroyed by a single rendezvous with her. It just never gets better.
When you think of this guy at your work, try to picture the end result of an affair or cheating, as opposed to the brief moments of pleasure that you fantasize about right now. The end result is extreme heartbreak, bitterness, unforgivable acts, and permanent damage. Just on the other side of a hook-up is deep confusion, doubt, disappointment, and a brand new group of people that hate you!
It just isn't worth it, I promise.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Yes, just because you're married doesn't mean you won't find other men attractive......BUT SO soon after you got married?
You have to put this man out of your mind, knowing that you ARE married and your first loyalty should be to your husband, and secondly, the man you have a crush on has a girlfriend and they're probably going to get married.
You don't want to wreck your and your husband's lives; or this other man and his gf. You'd be doing a very bad thing to act on it.......cheating on a spouse is always very ugly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Well, FloridaCatGirl gave you very good advice already, but I'll add a bit more for you to ponder.I think your huby's premature ejaculation issue is conflicted against your fantasy-of-lovemaking-with-the work-guy.Also...."Is this all there is?......Is this my FOREVER?" is probably settling in now.There will ALWAYS be a greener pasture / cuter man around the corner. ALWAYS. Is your husband the kind of man who would still make you feel like he's a lucky man.........if you were paralyzed in a car accident tomorrow? Would he lovingly care for you if you were diagnosed with breast cancer next week and lost all your hair? Or would he trade you in for the thick-haired girl new girl at work? Is it okay with you for HIM to be chasing and fantasizing about woman at work? Even if your husband turns into a big, fat, lazy slob later in life...there will always be women who would happily take him off your hands. Why not take the energy that you are using to chase/dream/fantasize about another man AND POUR IT ONTO THE MAN WHO VOWED HIS LIFE TO YOU??Dress like that for your husband. Try to arrange accidently running into your husband. Flirt with your husband. Otherwise some random woman will be writing about the sexy, energetic, handsome married man she is chasing at work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Beware of this temptation and do everything in your power to stay well clear of it and concentrate on your marriage. Otherwise you will do stuff you will regret....You will always find someone else attractive, but you had 6 years to make your choice and you did...Give your marriage a chance to succeed..It isnt easy..Don't let your current problems cause you to seek solutions outside of it..Be strong and pray constantly..When you wake up always pray 'Father please lead me not into temptation'....You have only just started and this road has a long way still...Why did you marry a man you do not find attractive??? Or is it that at the moment this distraction is making your husband look less attractive to you??? Why did you marry him???.... Be honest with yourself..An affair will bring untold misery and not to mention guilt even if you are not found out...I soo do not recommend it..Trust me on this...Lust is a powerful emotion. You have to start schooling yourself to see this man as a no no...Even close friendship can be dangerous as you know you already feel this way. It is more than just an initial attraction from what I read...Yes you can be attracted to someone else even when you are married, but you have to guard you heart....I get the feeling your 'disappointment' from the honeymoon may have triggered a lot of problems (Am I right?)..And don't start a family until you have sorted yourself..you don't want a child getting involved in this fiasco....you have to make sure you are ready and fit to commit to your vows and sustain your marriage..At least you knew beforehand..If you bring a child into this, it would be selfish...You and your husband need a firm sounding board to build a strong family...Remember, be strong, You are married.
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A
female
reader, Worried64 +, writes (9 February 2011):
I went through the same thing a few years back I think its alright to lust over someone but not to act because the fact of the matter is you fell in love with ur husband for some extremely good reasons so this is what you should remind yourself of those reasons are special and dare to you and another thing I always tell myself is that the grass is not always greener so stink with what you know and forget about this crush cause it truly isn't worth it!!! Good Luck
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Just because you are married does not mean you will never experience crushes on other men. But, you have committed yourself to your husband, so stop obsessing about this co-worker. Think of it this way... your husband will meet women he finds attractive as well. How would you feel if he gave into his feelings of lust and started an affair with another woman? I imagine you wouldn't be too thrilled about it.
Every relationship goes through different phases. The first year is full of lust and passion, which turns into love. Over time, the initial spark will subside a bit, but it will lead to a deeper more genuine love. I cannot remember all stages, but I recommend you look up "stages of love" on the internet.
Many people fall victim to "love addiction" because they are always seeking the initial "high" one receives at the beginning of a relationship. Oftentimes, this is what causes people to seek relationships outside the marriage. The problem with this is that all relationships run the same course, so the cheater soon moves on from one lover to the next... always seeking that next high.
My advice is to step back and take a reality check. This co-worker is off limits and should remain a fantasy, at most. Do not obsess on these feelings that are brought upon by hormones.
Please keep us updated. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, $izZle  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 hi, I'm not married... but I have some knowledge about lust yet a strong believer in love. after reading your post I came to understand that you have a sudden outburst of lust and its not love... you find him sexually attractive and thats about it that I came to understand .... 5 weeks is a short time to understand a person and you are talking about some1 that you work with .... so his perspective of you was professional that's how I see it.To be honest you can't come to a conclusion that what you have is mutual .... when there is sexual tension between you and your partner it is obvious that you got attracted to some1 else .... I feel that the problem here is sexual monotony :S whatever you had with the other guy whatever you did don't tell your husband it will crush him trust me .... what you wish to do is your choice but if you do decide to stay with the man you married I suggest you start working on spicing up your love life .... try new things out do things that make you happy :) whatever you choose to do here on.... I wish you good luck...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Crushes in all walks of life are natural.
But it is VITAL that you understand when you can and cannot act on them.
This one of those times when you simply cannot, EVER, act on it.
So enjoy a little light flirting here and there (it makes the work day flow easier), but keep it at that. Save your true feelings for the man who trully deserves them... your husband, who is currently doing everything he can to make you happy.
I'm sorry, if this upsets you, but it's just the way things are. And if your little crush is bothering this much, then try and avoid contact with the workmate at all costs.
Flynn 24
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