A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on an age old question. To tell or not to tell.I cheated on my wife one time. After 1 year of marriage. I felt horrible and vowed to never do it again. Promised myself I'd make up for it by being an amazing husband. And I have been. She has said herself how wonderful I have always been, etc. which makes me feel worse.About 6 months later, I left on a 6 week business trip to a large city. It was a team effort, and my coworkers were a mix of single and married men. We would go out every weekend to have a few drinks. And since we were in a group, a group of females would often come join our company. Long story short, after so many drinks I ended up sleeping with 5 different women over the 6 weeks I was there. This would always happen after drinking, and it's not an excuse but a fact. I've had women come on to me sober that I have flatly turned down. Very attractive women I have said no, I'm married. I grew up in a small town, church, never lived in a big city or went to a large college. Never partied or drank beer. So, when I would go out with these guys it was like the youth I never had. To this day, I feel like an ass. Never told her, its been 2 years since that happened. Haven't cheated since, had opportunities but I have just not let myself drink so much. As soon as I feel a buzz I stop. Have had plenty of offers, but haven't done it. It's eating away at me though. I feel so dishonest toward her, but I know if I am honest; she is such an independent women she would leave me at the drop of a hat. Way back while we were living together she met up with an ex boyfriend for lunch and I was out of contact with her for about 3 hours and always suspected her of cheating. Story full of holes, and this ex was actually an ex fiancé. That might have been a factor in my subconscious mind.So, to tell or not to tell? I know I'm a jerk for cheating, I'm not looking for condemnation. I know I'm an ass. Just want to know if I should tell her or not? Thanks...
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): My advice is to cover all of your tracks, and take it to the grave. Pray for forgiveness and never do it again.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 June 2012):
Very simple answer to this question -
If she did the same exact thing - would you feel you had the right to know?
Proceed accordingly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012): I think you should tell her because you broke your vows and the marriage is a sham. That is why you feel so bad. At least if you were honest with her, there is the chance to work on things, renew your vows and start over. Better that than live as you do, hoodwinking someone who loves you into thinking you are a top guy when you know the truth but she doesnt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012): Tell her, and without the lame excuses.
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (18 June 2012):
 Your cheating isn't excused by the fact that you think she may have cheated. Why you brought that up in the first place is beyond me.
Anyway, yes you should tell her. She has a right to know, and the right to decide whether or not you're the kind of person she'd like to be with. My guess is not, but you never know.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (18 June 2012):
 You don't want to hear words of condemnation so I'm biting my tongue.
If you tell her then it will be a weight off your mind. You can stop feeling guilty every day (if she forgives you - big if). She will feel like shit and as you say she will probably leave you, to create a new life which will probably include a man who is more worthy of her than you are. You will be free and single, and available to sleep with all these women who are hitting on you.
If you don't tell her, you will continue to feel guilty. You will always feel like an ass. You will probably always wonder what will happen if you have just that little bit too much alcohol in the future. You might (and should) feel worried that one of your coworkers tells your wife....
I am not condemning you (at least, not out loud), but really, you've made your bed. There is no easy way out of it and no magic answer. And if you do tell her, please don't make it worse by using excuses ("you met your ex fiance for three hours", "I had too much to drink", etc etc) - and stop making excuses for yourself while you're at it. Take some responsibility.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 June 2012):
 You totally know that the whole "Way back while we were living together, my wife..." excuse is crap. If you had truly suspected that she was cheating, you wouldn't have married her.
You didn't cheat once. You're a serial cheater, and by my count, you've cheated at least 6 different times on your wife. That's just gross. Did you get yourself checked for STD's since this happened?
Two years is nothing. You've been married for 3 years then? Nobody put a gun to your head and told you to get married. No one took your youth away. You made the choices you did.
It isn't enough simply to avoid the alcohol. You will cheat again, since this is no one thing. Does your wife deserve to give the best of herself to you knowing that you've been sleeping around so easily with others? How would you feel if she were going out and slept with 5 different guys? What place would put you on a 6 week business trip without the opportunity to go back home at least for a visit?
You should tell her, as this wasn't just a one-time drunken one night stand. You're a serial cheater who will cheat again, and your lifestyle endangers your wife. Every day of your marriage is a lie.
Your answer is the same as the answer to this question:
If your wife had slept with 6 different guys, would you want her to tell you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2012): If you value and respect your wife, you'll tell her. Man up, accept the responsibility and consequences of what you've done. Hopefully, this will be a learning experience for you, and you won't make the same mistakes again.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (17 June 2012):
It depends. Firstly, is she likely to find out? How likely is it that she’ll find out from some-one what happened. If it is likely, you should tell her first. If not, why tell her? You’ll only hurt her. If you have identified the reason for you past misdeeds and have found away to deal with them, then you’ve put right the wrong that you did. IF you honestly believe that you only cheated because you were drunk, and there were no problems in your marriage or deep psychological issues that were causing you to cheat, and you are now fully able to control yourself, there seems no point telling her, just concentrate on the future and building a strong marriage. Doubtless some would see you not telling as not truly making up for what you did, but this is about what’s best for your wife, and not about getting away with it. Sometimes one of the worst punishments for being unfaithful is being unable to come clean about your guilt because that will hurt the person you love more. It sounds like you’ve punished yourself enough. If you want to stay in this marriage, you should find a way to forgive yourself and look forward, not back. If you can offer your wife love and commitment, why destroy that when it won’t undo the past anyway?
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, Discovery +, writes (17 June 2012):
Your marriage is long over. Either you will feel forever guilty, eventually start to resent her for being *perfect*, and leave her. Or she will find out and leave you.
Yes, you should tell her. You don't need to go into all the details about how many women you couldn't resist, but she deserves to know and move on.
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A
female
reader, Sammia +, writes (17 June 2012):
There is one question you need to ask yourself do you want to hurt this woman? You cheated on her with other women which is a terrible thing to do and you should be riddled with guilt. She serves better but honestly why hurt her. I am not judging you, but have been the same position as your wife. I knew nothing and after being seperated for 1 year he told me about the other woman. There was really no need for him to hurt me like that. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. Don't hurt her to ease your own conscious.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (17 June 2012):
 Tell her.
Also.
"Long story short, after so many drinks I ended up sleeping with 5 different women over the 6 weeks I was there."
Sorry to tell you, but you didn't cheat on her 'just once.' Cheating on someone just once is sleeping with ONE person, JUST once. You cheated on her several times, with several different women.
If you really felt so awful, you probably would have stopped drinking after the first time.
Tell her, yes your marriage is probably over, but that's your fault. No one wants a marriage built on lies.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (17 June 2012):
 Honestly, I have never done anything drunk that I did not want to do sober. Drinking just makes what you want to do easier. It may be a fact because you were more relaxed and decided to do what felt good. In other words, you were drinking and had no self-control. If I was your wife, and I was a happy wife, I am not sure I would want to know. Knowing you slept with not just 1 but 5 women would break heart, my trust in you, and honestly, our marriage would be over. One women might be tolerable as it could be seen as a "mistake", but 5 on the same trip? You should have been calling your wife and talking dirty with her on the phone instead of dropping your pants for other women. I would not tell her and continue to be the "fantastic" husband you have been. But, if you are one of those people who just absolutely have to tell the truth, be prepared for the consequences of your actions.
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