A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I have a little bit of a problem. I'm 20 years old, been out of high school for almost three years now but I still have very strong, deep feelings for my high school teacher. I first had him as my teacher during my junior year, and since then I've been unable to get over him. Every piece of his personality that he's revealed to me over these five years, I absolutely love. To me, he's one of the most attractive men I've seen. I really feel like the only way I can get over him is to tell him how I feel. Now that I'm graduated I won't risk his career and if things don't go well I won't be forced to see him everyday. But, he is married...with two children. Is it worth disturbing a seemingly happy marriage for my own closure? I keep flip-flopping on the issue, and perhaps some different perspectives might help. Thanks in advanced.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): It is not unusual for students to develop feelings towards their teachers. Trust me you are not the only one. but I feel that the best thing to do is not to tell him.
Trust me,I who have gone through a similar experience. I met my teacher in my senior, and through out the time I was in school we would talk often about multiple things. We spoke of our days, our worries , and more, but I decided to tell him my feelings after I graduated.
I went through with the plan to tell him. Though I am still am uncertain as to exactly what his feelings towards me are, if any, he did let me know that my feelings can not be acted upon. He did encourage me to tell him of my future endeavors, and keep updated with my college experience, but I just don't feel comfortable talking to him any more.
So, don't tell him. It's just the best thing for you. It will help maintain a good student-teacher relationship. Also, most likely your feelings will not be able to be acted upon.
A
female
reader, Slack=D  +, writes (15 January 2011):
I know what you're going through because I'm in a similar sitauation...
To the people that say it is selfish etc... that would only be the case if he has similar feelings for you too, because if he doesnt, he would explain that it cant happen etc and not give it another thought after.
However, if he was to like you too then you would have to give it a good think as to whether its a risk worth taking as then there could be a chance that it would affect his famiy life.
I feel like that about my teacher too and I'm leaving sixth form this year and don't know whether to tell him or not, because like you, I feel that it is the only way that I'd truly be able to let go. Even if it is rejection, I would accept that because I would never have to look back and think 'what if?' and regret not saying anything.
If you fancy a chat feel free to message me. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Until you've actually gone through limerence... you actually don't know what a person is going through. She didn't impose this feelings on her self. Also... this is a mind issue, and she is expected to deal with it in secrecy... hush hush... how can she fix this issue in secrecy? its like you want the feelings to go away... but its not going to.
@poster...Limerence is no joke... it could be a lifetime issue that you will have to deal with. But you are lucky you are not married yet. Take your time to date until you find that special person that will superceeds this teachers feels. Belief me you can do it.
1. Join a support group.. several on yahoo group where you can talk to others. You need to release it... I don't buy other ideas that just suggest that you move on... its easier said than done. This is a mind thing... release it by writing and talking.
2. Accept the fact that nothing will come out of this Limerence feelings... this will help to move on. Acceptance is very critical...it will help you to move on.
3. Life is unfair... I belief you do have a real attraction... its just not to the available person. But guess what ...even this teacher that you feel is perfect is also dealing with other things... marriage... money issues... etc. You are not alone.
4. Another thing that helps is the fact that this married man and his wife made an oath to be together forever till death .... how will u feel when you find that special person and someone comes and say ... man i think I have a more special feelings... move aside gal... am sure you'll say ho no. (I know ur minds hurting right now... but path ur self... it will be better)
5. You need to keep busy... write, or anything that keep you very occupied. AND DON'T FORGET TO DATE... DATE... DATE OTHER PEOPLE. Find a mentor to talk to...
I have you in my prayers.... i pray that u get over this sooner.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (10 January 2011):
 As a teacher myself, I can see one very important red flag in your original question.
"Is it worth disturbing a seemingly happy marriage for my own closure?"
This says it all.
He is a happily married man. Regardless of if he is a teacher, doctor, pilot, engineer, soldier.... he is a married man, with a wife, a family.
So no, it is not worth disturbing a seemingly happy marriage for your own closure.
What you have to understand, is that as a teacher, his job is to be there, care for and look after his students. If one needs help, advice, a confidant, we are there for the child. A lot of kids dont have a great upbringing and they do not have the parental support, and in many cases our pupils come to us with problems and need help, support and advice. We give them that. But it is as a teacher or a parent, not a lover.
I can quarantee 100% that this man will not have thought of you in any way other than a pupil. To him you are a child. You may well have grown up a bit now, but to him you will always be that child. The child he helped, and probably discussed with other teachers.
I have no doubt that his discussions with you were talked about with his own boss - head of dept, head of year, head teacher. We have a duty to report any kind of home or emotional problems students may face as it affects work. If it is a serious problem it is better for teachers to be aware and learn to look for possible signs in case things turn bad.
As teachers, duty of care and the wellbeing of our students is our number 1 priority.
You have taken this attention and care as romantic advances, and it is nothing of the sort. This man was caring and kind, now you want to repay him for his support by trying to break up his marriage by telling him you love him.
Do you really want to do that? What would his wife think - suddenly a 20 yr old turns up on her doorstep and declares undying love for her husband. People get the wrong impression. They may think things had been going on whilst you were at school, he could still be investigated for unprofessional conduct even in retrospect.
To be total frank this teacher does not love you. He will not break his family up for you. He probably wouldnt even recognise you if you went up to him.
You said "Now that I'm graduated I won't risk his career and if things don't go well I won't be forced to see him everyday. "
You are deluding yourself. Things WILL NOT go the way you want. He will not want to be with you.
Relationships take time to develop. They involve communication, bonding, attraction. - You may have the attraction, but have you shared a single adult conversation with this man? Do you know how he has his coffee, what size pants he wears? Do you know anything about him other than the persona he has at school?
Having suffered from depression myself, I know how it feels. You feel this is a last ditch attempt to be happy and if you cant have him you never will be happy, but this is not the case.
By telling this man how you feel, you will only succeed in making yourself feel even worse when he rejects you. What if he cant remember you? Its been 3 years... lots of things happen in 3 years, how many students has he taught and helped. how would that make you feel?
Please, please, please keep your feelings to yourself.
You are suffering from an extreme crush or obsession with this man and it is not going to end well.
I really suggest you talk this through with someone, go out get some hobbies, meet other guys.
You are a grown woman now, you need to move on.
School was a very long time ago.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/advice/factfile_az/teacher_fancying_your_teacher
Tiger x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): Don't tell him.
You can find someone else, mayse someone not exctly like him but someone as beutiful but in a different way.
Good Luck.
I am sure the people below me did not mean to be harsh but some people really feel strongly about this issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you CaringGuy and LonelyGirl for understanding. Now that I've calmed down, I do take your advice to heart. Again, I apologize for overreacting. This is a very sensitive topic for me. I'm also just a little bit neurotic so things register with me more offensive than others might take them. It's a personality trait I'm working on controlling. When people come on here saying, because of me or people in a similar situation, that they're concerned about where the world is headed, it makes me very angry. I'm not going to ruin the world if I were to tell, and just because I have feelings for my former teacher doesn't make me someone to put on a blacklist and immediately hate without knowing me. And no, Aunty BimBim, there is no full moon here. The moon is a crescent tonight. Don't imply that I'm loopy because I can't help who I fall for and I came on here seeking advice on how to take the high road. Unless you want a world where people don't take the high road.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 January 2011):
You explained a lot more about yourself in your final post, which is good, because now we can offer you more advice that will actually help in a better way.
You've been depressed, and I know how that feels because I spent my teenage years in utter misery and depression. It's pretty lonely, and it eats away at you.
But, I can tell you now that fixating on one person in the hope that they can solve your problems, or that they are the answer, simply won't work. Yes, your teacher was there for you. But he was there as a teacher, and nothing more. He had a legal obligation to ensure that you were looked after in his care. But he never fancied you, or thought of you in a romantic way. And he never will, because he is a happily married man.
I think you do need to look seriously again at therapy, because the depression you have suffered has caused you major problems. Initially, no one here went out of their way to insult you. But you did take what we said and spin it in your head to make out that we were specifically attacking you. We weren't. We were making it clear that talking to him is the worst thing you could do, because he will say no, he will cut contact and you will be in even more pain.
This man will never be the answer to what you're feeling. You need now invest time and emotion into yourself, rather than someone else. You need to spend time on your own life, meet new people elsewhere and start over. And it will take work, because there is never a quick fix to a problem like depression or its after effects.
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A
female
reader, lonelygirl11 +, writes (8 January 2011):
i know how you feel and how much it hurts im 25 and fell in love with a teacher i had when i was 11(i fell for him even before i was in his class so am 15 years feeling like this) ive not seen him sinceschool ended that year as he left the school and moved down country. ive dreamed of finding him and telling him but i know i cant and that nothing CAN or WILL ever happen between us and he happily married with kids. so please dont tell your teacher as you will only end up hurting urself, him, his wife and children.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off, let me take a deep breath and try to calm down. I understand where you guys are coming from, and I did ask for opinions which you all willingly gave. I do appreciate that. Reading through the responses irritated me. I don't appreciate being called ego-centric, I'm not a self-centered person. However, I do realize now that wanting to tell him is ,on my part, selfish. There is a difference between doing a selfish act and being a selfish person. Calling me a selfish person is not accurate. The reason I haven't told him in the time I've known him is because I don't want to hurt him or risk his marriage. I've been getting conflicting advice on the topic from different friends, one told me to tell and the other warned against it. I came on here to solidify the reasons why I won't tell him. Perhaps I should have given more background about the situation. When I first had him as a teacher, I had just moved an hour from my school and where I grew up. My best friend at the time had also moved about an hour from the school. We tried to remain friends, until I got a text from her essentially telling me we couldn't be friends. I'm a loner type, I don't make friends easily. He was there, I was lonely. I'm not sure if I'm helping to make you understand that I'm not throwing a tantrum, or if I'm only digging a deeper hole that lowers your opinions of me even further. He was also there for me during a time of great depression on my part. He was the only person that listened when I told him I needed help. My own parents disregarded my asking to see a therapist. From my perspective, I have a lot emotionally invested in him so getting over him hasn't been easy, obviously. I'm not sure if any of you out there have been in a similar situation, but if you have you know how much it hurts. I apologize if I came off like a spoiled brat, but as I said being called self-centered doesn't sit well with me. I don't need to be yelled at with capital letters and explanation points. I'm an adult, you don't need to "raise your voice" so to speak. I can talk calmly when not bombarded with insults to my character. I'm sorry I asked advice in the first place.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): From a man's view: woman I hadn't seen in years, never tied one on with or taken anywhere, telling me her feelings isn't attractive, its stalkerish..save the crazy for future role playing with your man, untaken would be advisable.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 ?? What name calling ??
I just read all the thread, nobody says "crazy" or "whiny baby ". Caring Guy says "homewrecker " in a context, he says : stop now UNLESS you want to become a homewrecker(therefore, you are not a homewrecker right now ).
You were searching for opinions, and you got them.
Telling you that your quest for closure is selfish , this IS an opinion. Even if it's not the opinion you wanted to hear.
If you just wanted encouragement for going ahead with your misguided ( in our OPINION ) plan, you should have mentioned it at once.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): you asked for some 'different perspectives' and that is exactly what you received= some views that are different to your own. Sometimes people feel very strongly about an issue. Especially if they believe that a particular action will cause pain to others. And when the requested advice is so divergent from what was expected, in the circumstances, I imagine that can hurt.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 January 2011):
I just read through the responses. No one called you anything. No one said you were a 'whiny' baby, and no one said you were a homewrecker. If you look at my response, it suggests that you will become a homewrecker if you say anything.
But, seemingly how you threw you toys out the pram at the advice you were given, I'm pretty sure you're well into your own little world.
So, MY OPINION, is that you should say nothing. and if you don't like it, thank God I don't have to meet someone as closed minded as you, who takes what people have said and spins it in her own mind. Some professional help might do you good.
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A
female
reader, swordandredrose +, writes (8 January 2011):
I really think it's a BAD idea to tell him because you could ruin his marriage. It would be so selfish of you telling him. Don't do it please.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): Do nothing is the best answer here. You have a crush and you must let it pass, and given effort and a bit of time it will. You only know your teacher in his working environment so your attraction is based on only a fragment of this life. At home he may be quite different to what you imagine. You are in love with a fantasy. Your ex teacher is married with children, so is an affair with him what you are after? You risk making a fool of yourself which might take a while to get over. So forget it please.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJesus people. I simply asked for opinions, not to be called names. I'm not crazy, I'm not a homewrecker, and I didn't join this site to be called a whiny baby whose only concerned about myself. You think I'm a concern for the future, why don't you all look in the mirror. I was simply searching for opinions and the name calling is completely uncalled for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): you don't need closure, you need to develop some empathy and move on from your ego-centric position.
His, to you, 'seemingly happy' marriage is possibly a strong secure and very happy marriage. This man already has a wife and two children.
The best 'closure' for you would be to get on with your life, by helping others. Instead of trying to disrupt their lives.
Accept that your 'closure' exercise is disturbing and selfish in the extreme.
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A
male
reader, Boy Blue +, writes (8 January 2011):
Would confessing to him REALLY bring you that sense of moving on? When he's gained this knowledge of your love, will you really be able to move on? If it was a realistic relationship I would be able to say yes but given the circumstances, I think not. It's been three years after all. Your constant digging into the past about him seems a little over board.
You have to remember that when someone come up against a highly one-sided affection, it becomes a heavy burden on the other, and there are times when it may hurt them. I say this because it's been 3 years since you left high school.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 January 2011):
No. He's married - happily. That's as far as it goes for you, without being a homewrecker or something.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 January 2011):
No. He is married- leave him alone regardless. Plus, if he is happily married, with your love declaration you woulkd only embarass him -and yourself.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 Is there a full moon where you are at the moment/
what a selfish question me me me "is it worth disturbing a seeming happy marriage for my closure"?
NO IT IS NOT! What do you think this is going to achieve? Oi, you might live in fairy land but I firmly beleive this man, his wife his two children, and his extended family and friends and work colleagues all live in the real world.
Honestly, I hate to sound harsh but when I read things like this I wonder where the heck our world is heading!
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