A
female
age
30-35,
*m9hi
writes:My friend told me yesterday that she had been raped two weeks ago, i was in complete shock and didnt really know what to say, i promised her i wouldnt say anything to anyone, but she says she crys her self to sleep every night since then, in worry incase she is pregnant, her boyfriend is in jail the now, and she is to scared to tell him incase he thinks that she had been cheating on him. Any advice, should i tell someone, or just stand by her ?Thankss :)
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (19 July 2009):
 I have been asked to comment on this question from one of the aunts so here is what I advise... This poor girl has been through a horrific ordeal which, if not acted on, will affect her and any future relationships for the rest of her life. She will be going through so many different emotions just now. She'll be feeling it must have been her fault, she must have led him on, what will people think about her, what if she's pregnant? What if she gets an STD? What will her family think of her? What if no one believes her? What if he comes after her (or her family) for telling? What if her boyfriend finishes with her and thinks she asked for it? She will be hurting mentally AND physically from her ordeal. Her confidence will be so low and her self esteem at zero. All she wants to do is curl up into a ball in the hope that it all goes away... IT WON'T!
You as her friend must be just that... her friend! First and foremost you need to tell her IT WAS NOT HER FAULT! I repeat THIS WAS NOT HER FAULT! Yes, someone needs to be told so that justice can be done so this animal can be stopped in future and of course so that she can begin to heal emotionally. You need to continue to talk to her and let her see that telling someone IS the right thing to do (she won't see it that way... at first) but explain to her that nothing that has happened is in any way her doing. IT WAS NOT HER FAULT! Let her know that she was brutally set upon against her will and that by her going to the police (they have PC's who specialise in this very subject) she will not have the finger pointed at her or be made to feel the victim.
You can also call up a Rape Crisis Centre anonymously for help on what to do. Their phone number is usually on the front pages of the local phone book.
You can also suggest to her that it might be a good idea that she keeps a journal and writes down flashbacks of what happened to her and even what she wants to say to the rapist. This all helps with the healing process. She doesn't need to show anyone these words and can even burn them afterwards if she prefers. Getting her anger out is another thing she needs to do. Rape victims can keep pent up anger inside for years and years. Joining a gym and beating and kicking the hell out of a punch bag will release a lot of tension. Imagining she's kicking the shit out of HIM will make her feel a hundred times better.
A final word: remember the police are there to help her, they're on HER side! Your friend and the detective assigned to her case will build up a mutual trust. They are her friend and she should never be afraid to let them know if she feels uncomfortable or wants to take a break from any questions she will be asked. She trusts YOU TOO so let her see that you totally believe her and that she has your trust but that it is in her best interests that she tells the police what happened. (If you go ahead and tell the police when she's asked you not to, then her trust in YOU is gone for ever...)
It takes years to recover from being raped. She might also in the future want to join a support group and see that the feelings she went through are "normal". She can even build up her self esteem again by helping and advising others who have went through the same ordeal.
~Eve~
A
female
reader, mossy  +, writes (19 July 2009):
heyah
just to let ye know that everything will be ok!!
but if ye hear nething bout courses bout defence its worth doing! i have never regreted it... plus you can kick ass after it too....
mossy!
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A
female
reader, lm9hi +, writes (19 July 2009):
lm9hi is verified as being by the original poster of the question I just want to say a big thanks to everyone, i have been reading about the websites you's advised me to go on, iv told my friend about some of them,and she has been on reading them, i hope she realises this is a big deal and people have to know about it, thanks again for everything you's have been really helpful :) xx
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A
female
reader, mossy +, writes (19 July 2009):
hiyahtell her parents is the first thing you should do even if she wont talk to you for a long time!she needs to get professional help otherwise she wont get better then she can be.. i know that this memory wont go away but others around her need to know!i went to a rape defence course last week and he said the first you need to do is tel somebody and you should tell her parents and inform the gardai so this may be prevented to others also....as you said its mixed responses but in my opinion she will need all the support and understanding!hope this might help you bit... get in contact with me if any further questions, would be happy to help!!....mossy
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A
male
reader, Jason32477  +, writes (19 July 2009):
 This issue has been on my mind sense I first read it.And with the mixed answers given I did what I should have done from the beginning.I researched, and discovered that I was wrong.I apologize for my mistake.I hope the sites I found will help you as well.I think that the course you have decided to take is the best one.Be there for your friend and encourage her to get help.Don`t force her and don`t push the issue.And defiantly don`t tell anyone.And again I`m sorry for my misguided answers.
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male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (19 July 2009):
http://www.smith.edu/sao/sexualassaultresources/whenafriend.php
http://www.ucsd.edu/current-students/student-life/health-safety/campus-safety/personal/if-your-friend-is-raped.html
http://www.turningpointservices.org/If%20she%20is%20raped%20-%20what%20you%20should%20do.htm
http://www.zachariascenter.org/pubHowCanIHelp.htm
http://subicrapecase.wordpress.com/rape-is-a-crime/what-to-do-if-someone-you-know-has-been-raped/
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A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (19 July 2009):
Try googling "counselor's right to protect law"
and that includes her friend saying something.
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A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (19 July 2009):
I would bet canadian laws are pretty similar. You can look it up if you want, prove it, and then put the site on here. But it doesn't matter. You won't find it. It doesn't work that way. The friend has made her decision anyway. She is taking the in between stance, to encourage her to tell. If she encourages her to go to a counselor, they will tell. No matter what, if she has been raped, and has been crying at night for 2 weeks, she will eventually be walking into the counseling center, so it's going to happen anyway. The sooner the better though, because this guy should not be allowed to hurt someone else, or have her look back and feel like she is worth nothing because she was raped and nobody did anything about it. Nobody cared enough to take her to get help.
It seems like she has a friend who is willing to give it her best try. I sure hope it works. Eventually though, this is going to be too much for her, especially when the bf comes home from jail. So, why wait, why not get it now when she still has a chance of the guy getting the punishment he deserves. I don't want to see someone doing that to her and getting away with it, she is worth more than that. Good Luck to the friend, I hope she listens, also, try to make sure she isn't afraid that her boyfiend will learn he was cheated on, so she is calling it rape. I DO work in this field, and occasionally (although not usually) that happens too. But truthfully, I don't believe that the case.
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (19 July 2009):
 holmar, the rape reporting laws vary from country to country and even from state to state in the US. Cerberus very well may have worked in a center where counselors were NOT required to report. In addition, depending on the age of the friend, a counselor may not be required to report at all. I am not certain of the UK laws (and Google is not helping me) so I can't say for sure.
lm9hi, you can take a poke around http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/index.php and see if any of that information is helpful for you and your friend.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (19 July 2009):
If she goes to see a counselor about this, then this will be off of you. It won't be your fault. A counselor will have to turn it in, it's the law. Then you don't have to have your friend mad at you.
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A
male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (19 July 2009):
Ok Cerberus.I admit to knowing nothing of the victim.My knowledge on this comes from the other end of the spectrum after spending six years and some change in prison.So yes telling may and probably will ruin the friendship.That is why talking is important.Try to make this poor girl understand what is in the best interests.After suffering such a traumatic event how can she be thinking right?Rape is not about sex.It is about dominance and power.This guy has a taste for it and needs to be stopped.How many more would you let suffer this girls fate?I`d think if you worked in a crises center you would have more to offer for getting this girl help.Everyone you worked with was getting help,how can you think to deny that help to another?For heavens sake this poor girl is crying herself to sleep at night.How can doing nothing be an option?There are times when we have to make hard choices in life and this is one of them.If you best friend told you she was suicidal would you keep that quiet?And who`s to say this girl is not after suffering such an ordeal?As you said this poor girl is shutting down.She needs help.If nothing else counseling.She is in bad spirits and poor health.There is nothing her friend can do but get her the help she needs.How can you stand by and do nothing.She needs help and shes not getting it.This guy is still out there and he WILL do this again.I understand that there may may be negative reprocutions to betraying this girls trust.But I don`t see an alternative.There is so much more at stake then you seam to realize.What if this guys next victim is someone you know?What if this girl never recovers from her ordeal?There is not a chance in hell I could sit by and do nothing.If someone is a true friend they would give up anything for your best interests.Including the friendship.
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female
reader, lm9hi +, writes (19 July 2009):
lm9hi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank you all for your advice, because of the mixed reaction, i think i will just try and advice her into going to see someone, or telling the police. I dont want to lose her as a friend so i think it would be better if i didnt take it into my own hands but leave it up to her to decide, if she see's how much i care for her wellfare i believe she would do the right thing, thanks again for taking your time to help me, im really thankful :) xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): One other thing, I don't like to say this, because the worst thing a person can do to someone who is raped is question it. So, I apologize ahead of time. I am sorry. But, she said she is worried about her boyfriend getting out of jail and thinking that she cheated on him. She also doesn't want to tell the police, even though her boyfriend is more likely to believe she cheated if she DOESN"T tell the police. BEFORE you talk to the police, please make sure that she is not saying that she was raped so that her boyfriend will not break up with her. Just in the small instance that this is the case, because then someone innocent could get into some trouble, or even have a bad mark like that, and that would be very unfortunate. I do believe she was raped and that she needs to turn it in and get professional help, but somehow, make sure that she is not saying that so he wont break up. It does sound a little suspicious when she won't turn it in, but she thinks her boyfriend wont believe her. Those two things are contradictory. But thats a hard thing to do, I don't know how to go about it, does anyone else have any ideas?
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A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
One other thing, I don't like to say this, because the worst thing a person can do to someone who is raped is question it. So, I apologize ahead of time. I am sorry. But, she said she is worried about her boyfriend getting out of jail and thinking that she cheated on him. She also doesn't want to tell the police, even though her boyfriend is more likely to believe she cheated if she DOESN"T tell the police. BEFORE you talk to the police, please make sure that she is not saying that she was raped so that her boyfriend will not break up with her. Just in the small instance that this is the case, because then someone innocent could get into some trouble, or even have a bad mark like that, and that would be very unfortunate. I do believe she was raped and that she needs to turn it in and get professional help, but somehow, make sure that she is not saying that so he wont break up. It does sound a little suspicious when she won't turn it in, but she thinks her boyfriend wont believe her. Those two things are contradictory. But thats a hard thing to do, I don't know how to go about it, does anyone else have any ideas?
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female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
Also, the victim does NOT have to consent to her friend going to the cops.
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A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
Is someone who was a victim of rape, is crying herself to sleep at night truly capable at the moment of making a good decision in her state of mind? Also, I am sorry about what happened to anonymous as a child, your parent's should have stood up for you. A lot of families try to sweep that stuff under the rug. But is it really your friend's fault or your parent's fault? Who are you really angry with? Your parents are there to protect you. And they didn't. That's a hard row to hoe. I hope you can see past that. We can't choose our parents. It's hard when they aren't what we wanted or what they should have been. You may wait for an apology that will never come. But there was a saying once, "you can't turn a pit bull into a poodle, no matter how much you want them to be a poodle or how much you try, they are still a pit bull"-nothing against pit bulls, i didn't make up the saying, but it means you can't change some people. They do evil things but you can change your attitude towards them and realize they did what they were capable of, and that YOU are not going to be a victim of them, you are going to conquer and not let them ruin your life. So, sorry about your situation too anonymous. As for the other, she isn't thinking her best right now, and if she is worried about her boyfriend, truly, I would hope that he would understand, but if he's kind of a jerk, he is more likely to believe her if she tells then if she says nothing, and she can't get professional help if she doesn't tell, because a professional HAS TO or get their license taken away, and the longer you wait, the less chance this jerk will have of getting caught, the more likely he will do it again, and the more problems she is going to have. know your her friend, but she is going to have more problems from this then you are going to know what to do with. Ok, I am done writing now.
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A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
And Cerbres, she probably shut down because she is blaming herself. How can you have worked in a rape crisis center when you don't know the first thing about telling the authorities. This will be detrmimental to her self worth. Jason is right. Go do some serious research. I have been in counseling for 6 years, worked with dmestic violence perpetrators, victims, as well as did my volunteer training at the women's support shelter. Now I work at the hospital as a counselor on the psychiatric unit, so don't tell me Jason doesn't know what he is talking about. He does, and I would love to know where you worked, because if that's your attitude and that's what you told people, I could see why you aren't working there now. She needs her friend to stand up, help her recognize she didn't deserve that, one way is that he is punished, then she needs further counseling, which, if nobody tells, she will never get. AND if she goes to see a counselor and says anything about it THEY ARE REQUIRED TO TELL, so WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOUR KNOWLEDGE. IF YOU WORKED THERE, YOU WOULD KNOW. YOU ARE REQUIRED TO TELL. If you don't know that, then you didn't work there.
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female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
If this person was raped, and it is not reported, in the long run she will feel rightly or not, that she was worth nothing, because she told someone and they didn't care to do anything about it. I have been in this situation. It took me two days before I could tell someone. They encouraged me to "call the police", which I did. I hope as a friend you encourage her to call the police, or do it yourself. Tell her you really care about her and about what happened and that there is "no way" that you would allow someone to do that to your friend and get away with it. Tell her "you are worth way more than that to me" and he "Cannot be allowed to hurt you that way". You can ask her to do it, offer to be her support system when she goes to talk to the police, or you will do it yourself, but you are not going to just "allow" this to happen to your friend because "she is worth so much more" then "letting someone get away with doing that to her". Yes, I believe someone needs to call the police. In addition, if he did it to her, as Jason says "he has to be stopped before someone else gets hurt too". You are not only helping your friend, you are helping others, in the future, and possibly the past. She may feel that she should have done something to stop it, so she is embarrassed and that in some way it was her fault. Please reassure her that there is "nothing, not a single thing, that she did that would make something like this her fault" and that she is more valuable then to let someone do this to her. If you don't say anything, it will lower her self worth about herself, and she may feel like she "really wasn't worth it after all" and not important enough that someone would stand in and stick up for her". IF you don't tell, it will reak havoc on her self esteem. She needs to know that she is more important than some guy who would do this to her and that you "as her friend" care more about her "than you do about his protection". She may in some ways think she should have done something different, like I said before, but please reassure her she did nothing wrong.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): I have to put my two cents in on this....do not tell anyone!!! Give her support and an ear she can borrow, but it is imperative that she feels trust in someone at this time...that someone is you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): Jason you know nothing about what you're talking about, you obviously have absolutely no experience dealing with rape victims. I volunteerd in a rape crisis centre for two years when I was in college.
The victim has already begun to shut down and you wan't her friend and the only one she has told to betray her too?
What happens if she goes to cops and when they arrive she denies it? It's quite a common reaction for the victim to think it's their fault that it happened. Where does that leave the victim?
THE VICTIM HAS TO CONSENT to her friend going to the cops, the victim needs to be able to regain some of the sense of the control she lost, you can't force something like bringing the cops on her too.
I've met women that had that happen (friends telling people) and they suffered for years alone because their trust was not only shattered by the rape but by the fact that they felt their friends also couldn't be trusted.
She needs her friend now more than ever, so OP cannot risk alienating her, she needs to help her friend to find the strength to do this herself.
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male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (18 July 2009):
To reiterate.The police NEED to be notified.This doesn`t mean that anyone she knows has to know.You should talk to her and explain what has to be done and why.Try to convince her to do the right thing.I know I would.I would do every thing in my power to convince her to call.And if that failed I would tell her if you wont I will.The police should be able to get her all the help she needs from psychiatric to physical examinations.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): Don't tell anyone it will hurt her even more, I was raped 13 years ago by my brother. it lasted for alittle over 5 years I told a really good friend of mine after 3 years of it happening she told my parents they didn't believe her or me when they talked to me about it, they talked to my brother he denided it. After that it got a lot worse for the next two years and I hated my friend for it never talked to her again didn't want anything to do with her. Just talk to your friend tell her she needs to get help do what you can for her without telling anyone else. I'm sure u don't want to lose a good friend by tring to help her.
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male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (18 July 2009):
I don`t see how anyone can not think to tell someone.I understand that it would be another betrayal to your friend.But it`s for the greater good and serves two purposes.First this guy is still out there.Rape is not an accidental thing.It is a sickness and this guy has got it.He needs to be stopped before others get hurt.This is like knowing about a murder and keeping it silent.How can you?Odds are she is not his first victim,and I can guarantee if this guy is not stopped he will strike again. Second your friend may need more help than you can give her.Rape is a very traumatic even and can have serious psychological reproductions.She needs help weather she is willing to admit it or not.Do what IS right for her.Not what she thinks she wants.If your friend was gonna commit suicide would you still hold your tongue?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): All good answers, except don't tell anyone!!!! The last thing she needs is you betraying her trust.
Do a bit of research on the topic, look up local support groups, the rape crisis centre etc. Try and show her she has options, because she does need to tell someone about this, she will need help to get through this but she must find the courage to do that herself.
Don't push her or pressure her, but you really should do your best to advise her to seek help, I know she has a good friend in you, she must understand that it was in no way her fault but she will only get closure once that bastard gets what he deserves.
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (18 July 2009):
I agree with Danielepew, stand by her and support her. She needs your friendship now more than anything else. Telling anyone is her decision to make. I know it's hard to watch her keep this awful secret and not call the police up, but please respect her wishes and just be a friend right now.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 Just stand by her. Telling others about rape is HER EXCLUSIVE BUSINESS. She trusted you big time; don't betray her.
Why would other people need to know?
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female
reader, jumpsuit01  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 You should tell someone. If she's really your friend she will understand and forgive you. Rape is no joke and you need to tell someone or convince her to tell someone. Maybe this guy has done it before and you and your friend could help catch him, so he doesn't continue on with others. Please, tell someone. It could be you next. Or it could have been you in her shoes easily Please. TEll.
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