A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with a married man who is 20 years older to me. We met at work.He got transferred to our office from another branch. Initially we never really spoke much to each other, probably just say a good morning when we would pass by each other. He is in a senior position. One day, we ended up having lunch at the same time and he invited me to join him and I did.In the beginning we started off as friends. I knew he was married, he showed me pictures of his children. As the days went by, he started telling me that he and his wife were separated and that they were planning to divorce. He told me he was planning to leave his job and the city and start a new life. I was just out of a bad relationship. My ex had cheated on me and I dumped him. I was still getting over the breakup and I shared my feelings with this man. We gradually got closer and one day he told me that he has fallen for me and would like to be a part of my life. I asked him if his marriage is really over, and he assured me that it is and his wife probably has a boyfriend. After listening to this, I agreed to get into a relationship with him.Months went by and we grew closer to each other. We went out a lot, for movies, lunches, dinners. We would share a lot of things with each other. He helped me whenever I had a problem at work. When I moved house, he helped me in moving, in setting up the furniture. When he noticed I was stressed out at work, he would make me coffee and get me something to eat. He was attentive and a great support. I felt really safe and comfortable with him.And then things got ugly. I discovered a lot of text messages on his phone from a number of women and I had a nasty confrontation with him. He came clean and told me that he did cheat on me with 3 other women! I was shocked and disgusted. But he explained everything to me. He told me that he was in a relationship with these women (they were all in a different country) long before he met me and that he was waiting for the right time to break up with them. I told him to break up with them right away in front of me and he did. He called them all and broke up with them. Of course they kept calling, texting and mailing him over the next few weeks but he did not pick their calls or text them back.We had several long conversations. He admitted that he has been cheating on his wife ever since they got married! He said that he always justified his actions but he realized that justifications are not going to hide the fact that he is a horrible person. He thanked me for helping him realize everything. He even began going to church and told me that he wants to change himself. He said that he knows he has a problem and he is going to stop it all. I loved this man so much that I decided to forgive him and give him a last chance. Months went by. We started getting closer to each other and even talked about the possibility of having a future together. But, a couple of weeks ago, while we were at my place, he told me that he decided to work things out with his wife! He told me that his elder brother was having an affair (he had mentioned this to me before) and it was discovered over the holidays. There were a lot of drama with the children of his brother getting to know everything and he said that when the children got involved, it was very painful for all of them. His elder brother's wife forgave him and they decided to give their marriage another chance.After this incident, he told me that he and his wife have been talking a lot over the past few months and they decided to give their marriage another chance, for the sake of their children. He told me that he realized that he wasted 20 years of their marriage cheating on her (but he did not tell her that he has cheated on her for 20 years) and that he wants to be a good husband and that I made him realize this.He told me that he is ready to remain friends with me as no one else has ever understood him and loved him as much as I did. I cried a lot coz I was so upset, and then he told me that he is ready to be in a relationship with me as long as I wanted to but told me that he cannot promise me a future with him. He told me that if I want, he will not even be intimate with me. He said that he loves me so much and he just wants me to be happy and he feels that he will not be able to give me 100% of himself and he wouldn't want me just being 2nd best coz I deserve something much more than that. I know that its a good thing that he is trying to give his marriage another chance but I somehow feel as though, he lied to me about having problems in his marriage. He probably never had any at all, and now that he realized that I was getting serious about him, he told me that he is trying to work on his marriage.I am so upset about everything that has happened. The only reason I went out with him was because he told me that he and wife decided to separate. He cheated on me with other women and despite all the pain I went through I forgave him and accepted him back into my life only for him to tell me that he wants to go back to his marriage.We did not break up. I am still in a relationship with him. We still hang out, we celebrated our anniversary the other day. He tells me he loves me and I tell him that too. He tells me that he will be there for me as long as I want him to be.I am really not sure about how I am feeling right now. I love him so much. When my ex cheated on me, I dumped him immediately. Yet I loved this man so much that I took him back even though he cheated on me. I did so much for me, things I haven't done for anyone else before. I am so hurt right now but I also feel disgusted with myself coz I am still in a relationship with him, though I know that he is not separated anymore, but married.But the thing is, I really don't know the truth. If he and his wife really had problems and decided to separate, and if they now realized that they should work on their marriage, I will be happy to let them be together and leave them alone even if that kills me.But, what if he lied to me? What if they never had problems at all and he was just fooling around with me, and now that he realized we were getting too close, he decided to tell me that his wife and he are working on their marriage? That means he never loved me and just used me.I really want to talk to his wife and know the truth. I am so confused and messed up. I just want to know if he told me the truth. If he did, I will walk away from him and let them work on their marriage. If he didn't and they weren't separated when we met, well then at least his wife will know what an asshole he is, just like I will find out. He told me that she doesn't know that he has been cheating on her since the first year of their marriage. Maybe I should tell her that too? And no, I wouldn't want him back in my life. I just want him to feel the pain of all the women he cheated.What do I do? Should I talk to his wife? Or just break with him? I'm going crazy out here, and am hurting like hell. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I spend all my time thinking about this. I feel trapped by these thoughts, I feel cheated. I feel like a cheap whore. I feel ashamed of myself for being in a relationship with a married man. Please help me.
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affair, anniversary, at work, broke up, cheap, cheated on me, divorce, has a boyfriend, married man, my ex, text, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lilyflower  +, writes (31 May 2012):
 What a disgusting man. I wouldn't even think of trying to understand why he did all this to the people around him!!! I wouldn't even consider telling his wife. He is responsible for his own actions, and I believe that sooner or later everything will be out for her. Wanting to inform her now would only be acting with a revenge towards someone who is his long time victim..his wife!
Just forget him, and move on with your life. He's not worth all the hassle you been through!!
A
female
reader, cinc71  +, writes (24 May 2012):
 You should move on. Get another job and cuts all ties with him. he's no good it's obvious. You need to work on yourself and give yourself time to heal. Raise your bar, you deserve much better man. Therapy would be great to help you figure things out. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, jinxx +, writes (23 May 2012):
 You were used by this man, just as those other 3 women were used by him, and the next women will be used by him. His wife probably has her suspicions, but otherwise is in the dark. He's not going to leave her, and I highly doubt they were ever really broken up in the first place.
Why do you want to tell his wife now, but not before? Is it because you're hurt and want revenge? Don't forget the revenge you seek will play out in his children's lives as well.
Yes, you should break up with him. I can't begin to imagine why you have stayed with him all this time. You have been gullible, and provided him with what he wanted with a blatant disregard for your own security and happiness. Please, find someone who is SINGLE, and who will provide you with what you need.
Let him go, and let him ruin his own life. I'm sure he'll have no trouble doing that on his own. Eventually, most people get caught, and you'd be better off not getting involved when that time comes. Cut ties, and continue on with your life. I sure hope your career isn't in jeopardy now because of this affair. If I were you, I'd make sure it's not. That should be your priority now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2012): Call his wife please . Trust me. Also, shame on you. You knew he was married you both deserve each other. I know young and naive but not stupid. I'm not trying 2 b mean you'll b 20 yrs older too.Wondering
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2012): Hi this guy was a louse to you that's for sure, yeh hell it's time for this guy to own up to who he is and for his wife to find out about this cheating loser, he has made you feel cheap and probably all the other woman too hun,as Irish49 says he is a serial cheater.
This story reminds me so much of the post by Mae5 "My Paramour Used Me For Sex" check her out, she has helped others on here in the past and reading your post she may be able to give you advice on how she dealt with feeling the same way.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 May 2012):
 "He told me that he is ready to remain friends with me as no one else has ever understood him and loved him as much as I did."
This is a line. It is a lie. Translated, it means: "No one else has been this gullible, stuck around for as long and is willing to continue the same ol', same ol', cheating-on-my-wife thing. I will tell you whatever you need to hear to keep you around and giving me some nice sexual favors."
I could go through your post, line by line and give you the translation into real, practical English, which points out that this guy has been playing you, is STILL playing you and my guess is that he's had a LOT of practice on this.
You're involved with cheating player. His wife may or may not know his 'truth' but I can guarantee that you will not learn it from her. You are one in a string. A link in a chain. You just happen to be one of the more gullible ones, but you are just one of many.
Sorry. This won't be easy or fun or nice for you to hear or accept, I know. But the sooner you wise up, the sooner you can get yourself rid of him.
If you work with this guy, you had better make sure that there is not ONE scrap of evidence in your work environment that you have had an affair with this guy. He's older, has done this for a while and probably knows what he can and cannot do. He's not the one who will wind up looking for work. You are going to be the one let go if there's an issue.
Get really really cold and calculating. Start to think of your future and your career. Get smart. While I said that there shouldn't be any evidence of your messages to him at work, be sure you have documented everything he has sent you. Copy text messages and phone messages and emails and everything, so that if push comes to shove and you are facing dismissal, you have SOMETHING you can take to HR and a lawyer so that you don't lose your job because you fell victim to a player.
Oh, in case you didn't figure it out by now, break up with him. Do your best to document that too.
Sweetie, you've been played and it's horrendous and awful but it's time you got smart and channeled your hurt and anger into ensuring your career is safe and your employment prospects aren't ruined by this idiot. Okay?
Start to think like an attorney, not a teenage girl, okay? Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 May 2012):
 I find it interesting that you cannot see - crystal clearly - that this guy is a user.... YOU are someone he has used... and you have not a shred of a chance that you could be "somebody" in his life. Moreover,... WHY would you WANT to be "somebody" in his life. He's no good.. he's a player. He cheated on his wife.... on the several other women who you found out about... on YOU!!!!!!
Cripes.... put the miles between you and him, and chalk it up to your youthful misunderstanding..... and LEARN from this sordid occasion.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 May 2012):
 Don't talk to the wife, how come all of a sudden you are so concerned about her dignity and well being etc., and you don't want her to be with a cheater ? has she become a good friend of yours ? .. because you weren't that friendly concerned about her happiness while you were screwing her husband.
I think you can safely assume that yes, you have been played. Life is seldom all white or all black, so he must , in his own selfish way, have liked you and have had some sort of feelings for you- but, as shown by his behaviour, only as long as it was convenient, low maintenance fun and did not rock the marital boat. You can bet he must have lied to you- he has been lieing to his wife for the last 20 years ( and to other 3 women, that you know of )- why would he not have lied to you ? Of course he told you he had problems and his marriage was unhappy and blah blah blah, how else a married man can keep a single girl to himself as his bit on the side ? Surely not telling her right off the bat " I am wasting your time and making a fool out of you, and I want to use you as long as my wife, whom I'll never leave , does not freak out ".
But, at the end of the day, what does it matter if he lied a whole lot, or lied a little, or did not lie at all ?.
He is married. He is not leaving his wife. He is not free. He can't give you , or does not want to give you, the relationship that you want.
Move on, accept that you made a mistake, learn from it- stay away from married men in the future.
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A
female
reader, Irish49 +, writes (19 May 2012):
 Superb advice from the Aunts below. Wow! I will reiterate and ear with me because I am going to be straight-up with you. You ask..."what do I do?" You need walk away. And as "aunt honesty states...Do NOT talk to his wife. You will cause so much pain to this woman and her children and just upend their lives. Leave them alone. Red flags were a wavin' to you all along, but you ignored them.It's time to accept responsibility here. To me, you were vulnerable from your past relationship and I am thinking you're in love with the emotional stroking this married man has always gave you and likely continues to.
Now you said:
"He admitted that he has been cheating on his wife ever since they got married!"
"He came clean and told me that he did cheat on me, with 3 other women!"
This man is a serial cheater and has a problem. Nothing will change until he gets to a point where he has 'devastated some lives' of the one's he really loves, (like his wife and children) before he gets it. You are already devastated...hurt. But seriously...does he care? No he doesn't. While I feel sorry for what you are going through, I have to be blunt with you, because you are still seeing him. . Three questions to you are: 1) Why do you want a steady diet of this? 2) Why do you keep going back for more? 3) What more does he have to do before you get the message that all you're in for is long term pain? You have put up with this because you really love him. What's there to love? Really, if he's blatantly cheating and lying to you..what's there to love? Where's the foundation of trust, here?
Whether you realize it or not, going back to his wife...he's really doing you a favor because he is giving you a taste of what to expect in the long run. You are now being forced to wake up and look at reality and it's heart breaking. This is where your hurt is coming from. So at what point will you give up? That depends on how much pain you have to go through before you decide to learn the lesson.
Now, it's time to work on you. You need to learn how to discriminate and discern a man who would be good for your life. This takes a lot of confidence and high self-esteem. Women who have affairs with married men seem to not understand that marriage is much more than a sexual relationship. People may not be necessarily happy in their marriage but the connections of marriage run deeper than love itself, and for most people, the emotional bonds of wife and family, are always, always, always more important than the relationship with the other woman on the side.
He claimed to love you but he went back to his family and we know, he isn’t going anywhere. He knew this all along. All I can say to any single woman who messes with married men.. It's time for you to begin building a new life, one with a solid future. The only way you can do this is dump him, no contact whatsoever, then you grieve, cry...and recover. But do what it takes to wash this man out of your hair, and to get your self-respect back. After that is over, go out and renew yourself and your life. ...without him. Remember there are wonderful single men available out there...and possibly one who can make you the happiest you ever will be. But this married man..isn't the one!
Good luck and I only wish you the best...take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2012): Firstly, I am sorry but your his mistress, it's not a relationship at all. You will gain nothing out of telling his wife, in fact your simply the other woman, and will open yourself to possible abuse. How do you think she will react to finding out that you willingly entered a "relationship" with her husband? I understand you want revenge because your hurting, but it isn't going to help at all. If you tell her, she probably won't believe you anyway, he has probably already told her that your obsessed with him, and won't leave him alone, and she will believe him over you. He is a practiced liar, take care of yourself and just walk away and leave him alone. Revenge will not help at all.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (19 May 2012):
 Hi
You celebrated your anniversary? Now I have heard it all.
He is nothing but a user, he lies,cheats fills your head with empty promises and sweet words. He probably says lovely things to his wife too.
Stay away from him, his wife and any of his family or friends. Thats his life and his problem if they find out. I am sure his wife already knows he is not perfect, he has been busy their whole marriage stringing other women along,if she doesnt yet she will one day and hopefully take him to the cleaners.
Just cut all contact, leave your job if possible, you need to get over this man.Your only concern is yourself and your life.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 May 2012):
 A person who has cheated since the first year of marriage only thinks for themselves and use people as tools. Some therapists refuse to treat narcissists and psychopaths who are thought of as incorrigible. He only said he is a horrible person to gain your sympathy, to make you hope that you are The woman to make him a better man. His wife knows of his cheating because he is not discreet and he doesn't care to cover his tracks. She is only staying for financial benefits and the kids. Never talk to him again.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 May 2012):
 This man uses women all the time, and am afraid it sounds like you are just another one on his long list of affairs and 'relationships'. My bet is that he never split with his wife, he just said this to you. Tell me this, when you got together was he still living with his wife? the entire time you where together when he said they where split up did he ever take you to his house? Introduce you to his 'ex' wife? Or his children? No he never I bet, because he was never really separated. I bet you where kept a secret right? Did you never question that? As to why people shouldn't know about your relationship? He is a complete liar and he is good at what he does. You are right he probably realised you where getting really serious so he decided to tell you the wife was back in the picture, but oh off course he loves you now as well and he will be there for you such and such and not be intimate, he gave the big speech right? My guess is though that you both have been intimate? Am I wrong? His words mean nothing he just want to keep you sweet.
The moment you found out about his other 'girlfriends' you should have kicked his lying ass to the curb. How dare he treat you, his wife and his other girlfriends like this? Surely at this point no matter how much you loved him you must have saw what a rat he was. This man is playing one big game, and he knows how to manipulate you and play it well. He does not love you, yes he might do nice things for you and say nice things to keep you sweet. But if he truly loved you he would have divorced his wife, he wouldn't have got with anybody else and he would commit to you. Him using his children as a reason to work on there marriage is complete crap. Am sorry but you where a fool to forgive him, excuse my harshness but really you where, you allowed him to walk all over you.
My advice to you now would be to get him the hell out of your life. He is never going to be yours, he has a family, you will always be the bit on the side, second best. His family will always come before you. He will continue to sleep with other women and fill your head with crap. He will continue to fill your head with lies. He has manipulated you so badly. You need to get him out off your life, you need to tell him never to contact you again, you deserve better than this, so show yourself more respect and do the right thing for yourself. Get out now, yes it will be hard, but you will eventually get over him if you keep to no contact and get on with your life.
As for telling his wife, no don't do this, this is not your place and it will only open a whole other can off worms. She probably wouldn't even believe you over her beloved husband anyway, he probably has her manipulated enough as well to make her believe you have fabricated the whole 'relationship' in your head. Do you really need to talk to her to know the truth? No you don't because deep down you know all he does is use people including you for his own satisfaction. Stay away from him, and his wife and get on with your own life. Maybe some therapy might help you as well in this case because you are in so deep. So make an appointment and maybe a professional can help you realise the truth and help you get your life back on track again. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, adamskidude +, writes (19 May 2012):
 He's using you. Leave him now and make sure everyone at work knows, maybe even file a complaint. Also tell his wife and ruin his marriage, he deserves it. And she deserves to know.
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