A
female
age
51-59,
*adyOlivia
writes:Hi,I have been dating my fiance for 1 year and we have just got engaged. He is a very kind, caring and thoughtful guy and would do almost anything for me. I have never been out with anyone who has so wanted to take care of me and thinks of me. However, I do not love him. I like him a lot as a person, but have not fallen in love with him. He is always telling me how much he loves me, and finds it strange that I don't tell him. I have a few times lied and said I did just to avoid the question. I am trying to figure out why I don't love him and if I will in the future? And if I don't feel deep attraction is it still ok to marry him? I am in my mid-30s now and feel that if I don't get married soon I may miss the chance of having children. I know this is not a good reason to marry but it is a very real thought that I have. Some things that I think may be related to my doubts are:(1) My previous boyfriend cheated on me and so trust was an issue for a while. (Though I think I am over this and trust him.)(2) I went out with one ex for 8 years who I loved very much, and it took me 3 years to get over that relationship. (Again this was quite a while ago so I don't think this is so important)(3) My fiance has a child from a previous relationship - and I am not sure if I want to take care of him (2 days a week). (4) My finance jokes around a lot and thinks he is very funny when sometimes his jokes are so silly and annoying and not funny at all. (5)He is ok looks-wise though I am not particularly attracted to him and usually go for someone quite different looking. (this is superficial I know but it does impact on the attraction I feel for him, to a degree)It is ok to marry him still? Or am I making a big mistake and hurting him and me more, than if I walked away?F
View related questions:
cheated on me, engaged, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PIXIELF72 +, writes (6 August 2010):
HI LADYOLIVIA,
I am finding myself in almost the same situation. I too am curious, did you end up marrying him or not?
There are lots of cultures that have arranged marriages, I know many older asians who didnt marry for love but grew to love each other respectfully in time.
I am hoping that this mindset will kick in eventually with me. I am suffering at the moment, I am giving myself time to let my emotions settle down from the recent emotional shocks of losing a few loved ones in the past year which happened around the same time I was proposed to.
I have also just moved countries to be closer to my fiance, I've changed jobs by giving up a long standing role to be here, lost more loved ones through illness and old age and left loved ones behind in another country, so I am feeling I have lost a lot already.
To give up on my surname in the future is starting to have an effect on me. I have read a lot of fiancees have felt loss and anger at giving up so much.
I have been honest from day one of our relationship that I wasn't convinced, he asked me what he could do to make it better, i told him, he agreed to make an effort. I wont go in to details of why I didn't feel compatible but he said he would make an effort to stop drinking so much and to exercise more.
GOd, I feel like a totally shallow cow, but I cant cope phyiscally. Otherwise we re the best of friends and we have the same interests and we love hanging out and doing things together.
My father said that when you grow old, your physical side goes, what remains is friendship. i am getting on, my window of opportunity is slipping tohave my own child. I would love my own child but I also think its also very ok to adopt and foster.
Please let me know what happened to you? I want to know.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): Sweetheart, i think you've answered your own question in asking it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): I know this post was a while ago, I'm curious what you ended up doing and what decision you made? How are you feeling now?
...............................
A
female
reader, hemé'oono +, writes (2 June 2009):
 DON'T DO IT!! It's better to be alone than be with someone that you don't love. As someone said, marriage is hard enough when you are totally insanely in love with someone. But if you just aren't into it...when he leaves the toilet seat up or his underwear on the floor...things that a smitten girl will find cute (for about 3 months) will annoy you right from the start.
WAIT it out...you will find someone that sweeps you off of your feet. It may be a long wait but it will be worth it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Stefanie R  +, writes (2 June 2009):
Hello Lady Olivia,
This is truly from experience if you don't love him and you are unattracted to him it will not work. Why put yourself through the heartache and pain because you will question this everyday there is no attraction not only are you cheating yourself but you are cheating him because there is someone out there that would truly love him and there is someone out there that will treat you like a Queen never settle for second best especially if your heart is not excepting. I wish the best for both of you but save yourself the agony and hurt in the long run you will end up disappointing yourself and stuck in a situation that you should have been honest in from the beginning. God Bless...
...............................
A
female
reader, Little Lisa +, writes (2 January 2009):
I'm going to be contravertial and disagree with all the answers here. You're in your mid thirties you want children, no offence, but the clocks ticking. There comes a point in your life when you need to except life's not perfect and 'Mr Right' isn't going to just come round the corner. A point in your life when you need to just deside to settle for what you can have, as you said he's kind, caring and thoughtfull and would do almost anything for you, sounds to me you could do a lot worse. Why waist your life on a dream, that probally will never happen. Marry him, enjoy life, you never know in time your feelings may grow for him and if not you'll have a good husband and a good father for your children. If you're not convinced, take a look at this website: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
Whatever you decide, I hope you find happiness,
Good luck
Lisa
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): Hi,I know exactly what it feels like to be on the other side, as I am involved in it right now! Ive been dating my fiance for about 1 year now, and its kinda obvious she doesnt love me at all, although ill do anything for her. Im still in thie relationship, just waiting for her to open and tell me in a nice way that she doesnt feel for me, rather than me having to guess all the time. You have noooooo idea how painful it is to be on the other side, these 'games' are very dangerous. That stuff about being nice to girls is utter non-sense, i dont think love exists at all, treating girls badly, and then getting respect from them seems the norm.If he cares for you that much, you will really regret it after you loose him, but dont play with him, he doesnt deserve this.Best of luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): I am sort of in the same situation.. i just have a gut feeling I'm going to be depressed if I stay with my fiance... The step-children thing is really hard to do.. even if you don't have them that much. It is going to be so hard to do the walking away... but I believe if you get yourself really into God..then he will guide you to what is right..just take some time away and heal yourself..you've had a lot to go through.. heal my friend and good question!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, DIE-romantic. +, writes (16 August 2007):
 Its not really fair to you or him if you go through with this marriage because you dont feel the same as him. So you should break it to him gently as you think alot of him as a person and then he can find someone who will fall in love with him and you can find the right one for you. Still remain good friends and make sure there are no hard feelings.
Take care and good luck.
xxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, LadyOlivia +, writes (16 August 2007):
LadyOlivia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All,Thank you very much for your responses - the comments you made make complete sense. I know if someone else wrote my letter I would say the same to them. It won't be easy but when its done and some time has passed I will start to feel better!Thank you again,Felic
...............................
A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (16 August 2007):
Never get married because you think "it is time." This just leads to problems. You don't exactly sound like you're a good match, even if he is a great guy and all. Of course you sound like you've been through a hell of an emotional ride. Maybe you have trust issues or never really healed or took time to breathe. Perhaps you need some counseling or therapy to sort things out.
...............................
A
female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (16 August 2007):
 You are not obligated to marry ANYONE you dont love. You go where you have peace. Not marrying seems more the direction you are pulling him to. Better to say no to the marriage now than to be married and stuck with someone you wouldnt truly give your all to spiritually, mentally and emotionally.
...............................
A
female
reader, skye +, writes (15 August 2007):
 I agree with all the other "aunts" on this one. You need to tell your fiancee how you feel. It would be unfair to both of you to marry him when you dont love him. Break things off as soon as you can. It wont be easy, but you have to do it.
Im truely sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. Speak with your fiancee and sort this out now. Im sure you dont want to hurt him any more than you have to.
Take care,
Skye
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 August 2007):
 Very simple: if you don't love him, don't marry him.
Also, give him the chance to find someone who will love him. Tell him how you feel as soon as possible.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 August 2007):
 Of course you shouldn't marry the guy. You both will be miserable in short order and full of regret. Have a chat with him, he deserves to know how you feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (15 August 2007):
 Marriage is hard enough work when you DO have everything going for you. I can't see this marriage working out for you, for exactly the BIG reason that you have stated - Your heart isn't in it. You are also throwing away the chance of meeting the man that you are meant to be with.
...............................
A
male
reader, Karlos Omnis +, writes (15 August 2007):
 How would you feel if you were wed to someone who didn't love you or wasn't attracted to you?
I think it would hit you pretty hard, you may think you're doing him a favour, but noone wants to spend their life with someone who doesn't love them.
What happens when you do find the person you love? Have an affair? Break your husband's heart?
I think you need to seriously think about this, what made you say yes if you don't love him?
...............................
|
