A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'll keep this as short as possible. My neighbors are wonderful people. He is very ill and wheelchair bound from MS and another debilitating disease. Last night his wife came onto me, she wants me because as she put it, she feels safe with me. I am single and dating. She said she's not leaving him but can't stand not having any kind of sex at all now that he's so depleted. She's been a friend and good neighbor for many years. I'd like to help her out and said that to her. It brought a few questions to me I could use some help with. Is it justifiable for a spouse to get sex outside the marriage when the other is so ill they can't do it? Should this woman tell her husband she's in need of what he can no longer provide and wants a sex buddy? Should nothing be said and we just help each other out very discretely? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): If you do, then you should understand two things.
First, the husband should in no way ever know, no accidents, nothing, he should go to his grave not having any hints. Can you do that?
Really, it is much harder than it seems to prevent that hint that something is going on.
If I was in such a way, I would tell my wife she has my blessing. But, it will still be painful for both parties.
Secondly, these things have a way of coming unraveled and causing a lot of pain to people who can't do much for themselves.
Read about this some more, this is not that uncommon.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Don't get into this mess. Your situation would get more and more complicated.
If she needs sexual pleasure, I am sure she would get that from anywhere(what are vibrators for?). The reason she is asking you is she is definitely into you. She wants it to begin with giving what all men want and then she would seek to be attached emotionally as well.
Better to stay away from her if you don't like her. Do not take any steps that you would regret later.
If you like her too, its time to enjoy. But make sure her husband doesn't find about all this. That would be very hurting for him! Also, decide beforehand what are you looking forward to once her husband is healthy again.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (14 March 2011):
I agree with C.Grant's post and have something to add to it.
My mom has MS and we have nurses that take care of her so he can work. I remember them talking about the same issue, difference being that my dad under no circumstances wanted to be with another woman than her. I know my mom would be hurt if he did it, even though at the same time she would tolerate it for his sake.
The thing is, even if the ill husband would say yes, what he probably means is no. The only reason he would accept is because he feels guilty for not being able to give what she wants. Like others have said, this is a minefield and a very unforgiving place to be in. I would probably not accept it. But in the end it's up to you and your moral code.
...............................
A
male
reader, Weeks  +, writes (13 March 2011):
 This reminds me of the lady chatterley's lover situation. That was fiction and you seem to be in a dilema. I don't think sex can be charity. There have to be feelings. And if they are there, it turns into a messy situation. If you "date" is a steady one, then the sitation involves 4 people, not 3. So tread carefully. A temptation which could lead to complications. I dont think it is a good idea.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Great question here pal. I feel ur temptation. This is definitely very difficult I could only imagine. It comes down to one thing: Ethics. Do you have a duty to provide? Or a duty to honor a relationship youre not part of? If you get with this woman, she needs to divorce her spouse and leave him in family and friends hands for support of his illness. I feel bad for the guy as I once knew someone like that :(... last thing you wanna do is sleep with her pal while theyre together. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (13 March 2011):
 I'll agree that this is much like a mine field, into which you may step and find yourself very poorly regarded. Only once, that I can recall and it was recent, did I venture a similar situation, and I ended up losing the woman anyway. Well, I did get the sex for a couple of weeks, which was all she obviously wanted, but all my life I have usually and successfully tried to avoid such temptations.
The affair was discovered by the totally incapacitated husband (email evidence), and the shit thereafter hit the fan. But please know that the woman involved tricked me into believing that they were long separated with a divorce pending. Such was apparently not quite the case, though in incapacitation was true. Just know that things can get messy. I'll also admit that I regret some of my denials over the years, usually due to my devotion to women who ultimately proved undeserving.
...............................
A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (13 March 2011):
This is why God invented vibrators. Don't do this. It's just wrong on so many levels as others have already pointed out.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (13 March 2011):
 There are so many facets to this situation. I can only imagine how difficult her situation is, caring for someone in her husband’s situation. While when we marry we might understand, intellectually, that we one day might find ourselves transforming from lovers to caregivers, I doubt any of us can really appreciate beforehand all of what that entails.
Frankly her husband is my first concern in this. What does he say about her proposition? If it’s “hell no, you said ‘for better or for worse, in sickness and in health’”, then I wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole. Even if he’s feeling guilty about her having to do without and gives tepid assent, I would be very, very wary of adding to his burden. Does someone suffering from MS really need another source of stress in his life?
If he had proposed it, I might feel differently. If he was confident of their love, and motivated by that love wanted her to have something that was no longer his to give? Knowing that it wouldn’t take anything away from their relationship? That’s the only circumstance I would consider it. In other words, without sincere encouragement from *him*, I wouldn’t do it. Helping her *could* be an act of compassion, and hence justified, but not if it’s going to cause him anguish.
...............................
A
male
reader, uncle bob +, writes (13 March 2011):
 Let's play "Tiptoe Through the Mine Field", shall we?Your single and dating. So it's clear your interested in women, other than the neighbour's wife.But your a nice guy, you may want to mow your neighbour'slawn once in a while, just to help him out, but to plough his field...What happens if she forms an emotional attachment to you, and starts to get real clingy?How jealous is she going to become when she sees you with other women? Could we be talking about something like the movie "Fatal Attraction"? I think you know how well that went!What do you say to that woman you met just last month, when she calls and asks you out for coffee?Sorry, I'd really love to, but I'm supposed to go next door tonight and "do" the neighbour's wife! How well would that be received?What about any prospective girlfriends you might have?Do you think any one of then would tolerate such a situation?And what about your neighbour's husband? Is he OK with this? Did the three of you get together and discuss this at length?This reminds me of a "Family Guy" episode.Peter, (main character) is in bed with Bonnie,(crippled neighbour, Joe's wife).Peter says to Bonnie "I really don't feel right about this"From the shadows you hear Joe's voice say,"It's all right Peter... it's all right"Just how well do you think you can perform under such conditions?This situation is so full of pit falls that no matter how you look at it, it's ALL BAD!Do the right thing and decline.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 March 2011):
This is a very bad idea - imagine for one second that this man finds out his wife has done the dirty on him? Worse, with the man from next door. That would probably do for him. Or he'd agree to her seeing you, and be massively hurt and totally unable to do anything about it. She's no doubt in a bad place, but you've got to question where her head is at really. She could potentially this already ill man's world and screw it up just a little bit more. Not sure I'd want that on my conscience - neither should you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2011): I think you should discuss with her if she feels she has that kind of relationship with her husband so that she can do that then see where it goes
...............................
|
