A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a serious question that I know will ruffle A LOT of feathers but I'm sorry, I really need advice,I've been seeing a married man for a while and were very close, best friends more than lovers. Recently I have been getting urges to have a baby, serious urges, I'm talking uncontrollable broodiness which I put down to several family members/friends all having babies. I am seriously jealous of my sister especially as she has just had a baby and he is so adorable, I pine for him 24/7 and wish he was mine. I only get to see him once a week and when I'm not there I miss him and feel serious pangs of jealousy that she has this little bundle of joy.My MM has told me he will get me pregnant and all I have to do is say the word. I'm seriously contemplating having this mans baby. I know it sounds daft but I know for a fact he would support me financially, he would most certianly play the part daddy-wise even if me and him were not to carry on.Do I wait and possibly give up on having a baby by risking meeting someone else or should I grab this oppurtunity with both hands? I know people will lecture me about his wife etc I know all of this. I just need personal advice whether a baby with this man would be realistic?
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female
reader, stressedandtired  +, writes (24 October 2011):
 I don't think you should do it because it would not be fair to the child. He/she deserves to have a mother and father. A married man is a liar! Please believe he will be doing this for himself, not for you. If he is giving you money now, then sure he may take care of your baby but he will not openly admit to anyone that this is his baby. He will deny it right down to the paternity test. Then when his wife finds out he will hate you and he will not want to be in this child's life. You will only have financial support through child support enforcement. The only reason he wants to give you a baby is because that's another way of owning you. It will be hard for you to see other guys while you are pregnant and believe me that will make him very happy so he can have you all to himself. Having a baby should be a happy experience but you will not be happy. You will be a single mother raising your baby alone and it will be hard, hard, hard!! I know this!! I know you want a baby but please wait until you meet the right guy but please don't get pregnant by a married man!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): Do not have a baby with this married man. My family is going through this as we speak. The divorced woman with two children decided to have her baby. She told my husband that she wouldnt get pregnant. He told her he wasnt planning on leaving his family. She is now very bitter, she is a single parent now of three children. Men are guilty as well. He should have not had an affair or at a minimum used protection. But, the problem I have is that the woman chose to bring a child into the world. If he wasnt treating her as number one, what will the child receive? The child deserves at least a fighting chance. But, she chose to have a baby with a man that couldnt be the father the child needed. Now she is bitter, expecting more. How can he give more, when she wasnt even getting more. Now she is angry, and wants the father to be a father, she now wants everyone to respect the child and uplift the child and be there for the child. He was conceived with a married man. She will not be welcomed into the family which unfortunately in the beginning will most certainly make it difficult for the child to be loved and accepted as he should have been if born into a loving healthy relationship instead of a sneak, a secret. She should have thought about all of that in the begining. To whom much is given, much is required. It is the woman who has the obligation with her body to take care and nuture the fetus until it is born. Not the male. She has 9 months to get used to the idea of the baby, to love it. It is more helpful with the male when he is in a loving relationship with the mother. through her, he learns to love and bond with the child. That will not happen when your babys daddy is married to someone else.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 September 2011):
 Here, found this question on another site which shows one of the scenarios such a child could find themselves in, from the father's point of view.
http://blogs.news.com.au/bossy/index.php/news/comments/should_i_block_my_long_lost_love_child_from_facebook/
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 September 2011):
 "Honey it's 3 a.m. and the baby's crying but I've got the flu, can you take care of him" oh that's right you are with your wife.
"Honey look, the baby just took his first step!" oh that's right you are with your wife.
"Let's just sit here and enjoy Christmas while we watch our son open his first Christmas present." oh that's right you are with your wife.
"Tell your Dad what you did at school today." oh that's right he's with his wife.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (20 September 2011):
 Let's be honest here ... there is a romance between the two of you, and what you both secretly want is for him to leave his wife and be with you and the baby. The baby would be an excuse to do this.
Examine your feelings for him.
If you think having a baby on your own, with his intermittent presence, is the best life for your child, then you're wrong, I'm afraid. I think you should only do this if you think he will be with you both.
I am not advocating he leave his wife, but if he wants to have a baby with you, then I'm not sure what he is doing with her at all. He is not from a culture where several wives are ok, is he?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): why do you want to have the child of a evil man? (and yes your married lover is evil if he's plotting to have a secret baby with another woman, behind his own wife's back)
if you have his baby, plan on being a single mom, and receiving NO support from your married lover. Not financial support, not emotional support. Plan on him just disappearing from your life.
what makes you think he will step up to his fatherly duties? how will he do it secretly without his wife finding out? there's just no way. He'll drop out of your lives the minute things get tough. he sill give excuses why he can't keep his promises. which will be even before the baby gets born. (don't count on him helping you with doctors appointments or being there for the birth of the kid, he'll be busy at home with his wife and their kids)
your biological clock is ticking, so if you are SO desperate to have a baby there's no time to waste - dump this married man and find a single guy that you can get married to and have a baby with. every minute you spend thinking about this married man is another minute wasted.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): No, don't be selfish and have a baby who won't have a real father, who will be their father's dirty little secret. That's so cruel!! and it's just to satisfy your need to have a baby, you're not thinking about the welfare of said baby. You're being incredibly selfish.
I'm appalled that your MM says he will happily get you pregnant. Most MMs would just about have a heart attack if their mistresses got pregnant by them because this means their married world comes crashing down. Remember, your guy is still MARRIED for a reason - he still wants to be in the marriage with his wife. He still wants her as his wife despite you being his 'best friend'. He doesn't want to let go of his wife and his marriage to her, if he did he wouldnt' still be a MM. that's why MM's don't want their mistresses to get pregnant, cos it will out the affair and jeopardize their marriages.
you need to really question what this MM's intentions are. why will he be so wiling to have a baby for you if he wont' leave his wife? what's in it for him? Does he not care that his wife will find out now that he has to pay child support to another kid? or does this mean he has no intention to support you or the kid in any way because he still needs to keep this a secret from his wife?
And no dont' have a baby with him while he's still married. that's incredibly cruel to your kid because he/she never know their father openly. they will always be dad's dirty little secret. That's no way for a kid to grow up and be treated.
and it will be much harder for you to move on from him and find a new partner if you're a single mom. Not impossible, obviously, but much harder than if you're single. so why sabotage yourself and your kid from the get go???
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Whoa, tisha.... You tell it like it is, don't you????
I hope that the woman who submitted this sees your response and understands who astute (wise and correct) it is...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 September 2011):
 I'm feeling sorry for this baby before it's even born. A broody mother with jealous feelings for the cousins. An absent father with iffy prospects. Sounds like this is more about the mother's insecurities than a proper life for a baby.
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female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (18 September 2011):
 No Mademoiselle, it would not be realistic.
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female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (18 September 2011):
 NO. Be realistic here. Think about the type of "father figure" this man would give your child. How can he be capable of devoting ANYTHING to a baby if he can't do the same for you let alone his own WIFE.
And MONEY! He may have money, lots of it and could support you IF HE WANTED TO! But since he's only keeping you as his weekend lover I doubt he'd be so willing to give you free money. Being with this man has twisted and distorted your sense of self worth.
Have some self respect and get away from him fast. You are wasting you precious fertile time with a married man! Find your own love story and start believing that you deserve that happy ending.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): All I have to say is this: Having a baby means bringing a child into the world. A child for whom you will be responsible for the next 18 years. How can you even think about bringing a child into the world knowing full well he won't ever have a real father, at least not in the sense that most other kids do.
Honestly, you're selfish for even considering it and for that reason too I don't think you're close to mature enough to have anyone's child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): I agree with all the previous answers. It's not worth it. A man who cheats is not a man you can trust, even if you say you are best friends. Maybe his wife also thinks that they are best friends and that she can trust him. I think you think you want a child because your sister has one. It's not a good enough reason. A child should be born out of love. I know that the reality is, a lot of children are not, but why add to the problem when you have a choice not to? You and your child will always come second to his real family. Do you want your child to ask you every Christmas and birthday why his or her father doesn't want to celebrate with him/her? Also, one day you would have to tell that child how he/she came to be. Do you want your child to a) judge you on your questionable morals (sorry but you know it's true) and/or b) think that it's OK to have an affair with a married person and possibly do the same thing. Please don't do it. If you absolutely have to have a baby, get a sperm donor or adopt. You say you wish your sister's baby was yours so are not one of those people who has to have their "own" biological child at all costs.
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male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (18 September 2011):
 No.
He isn't offering you anything. Just using you for ego by having a secret baby. If you really want a baby you can use a sperm bank.
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female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (18 September 2011):
Hi no this is not an ideal situation at all what would happen if you got pregnant by this married man and his wife found out would he still want you and the baby if I were you I would wait until you meet someone then have a baby together when the time is right that way the baby will have both parents around full time
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (18 September 2011):
 No, I do not think you should have a baby with your married lover. I'm going to resist to urge to voice moral objections and simply focus on the logistical issues.Most of us are fortunate enough to be a welcome surprise to our parents. Your child would be a dirty little secret at least to the father.There is more to fatherhood than paying the mother hush money and clandestine visits at HER home. And don't forget about family portraits, Christmas dinners, family outings, reunions, parent teacher interviews and extra curricular activities. Will your married lover be participating in these things openly or will your child take a back seat to his other obligations? Will you expect your lover to rush out in the middle of the night to pick up medication or rush a sick child to the ER?Then there is inheritance. He may not be a wealthy man, but he is presumably a man of some means if he thinks he can support two families. Do you want you son or daughter to be involved in bitter legal battles over their father's estate? And can you be certain he hasn't sired other children elsewhere? Or that he never will?Raising a child is hard work with two actively involved parents. Doing it alone or with someone who has to compartmentalize his other family is even harder. A good mother wants her children to have every advantage she can give them. What advantages can you offer under these circumstances?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): In short, no.......
I can see why you want a baby but this man isn't the answer, he's married to somebody else so could never be a father to the child - there at xmas birthdays etc
What would you tell the child when it asks at say 16 to meet his dad,grandparents,cousins etc.......
Bad idea all round. Find yourself a good,loyal single man
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (18 September 2011):
 Hi,It's your life, so you can live the way you wantI was just wondering though? As you know this man is married? I guess since he hasn't left the wife for you, he has no plans of having a future together, nor being a committed relationship with you. Bringing a child to this world cost a lot of money, it takes a lot of time, even married couple (2 people), with the support of family members, baby sitters, etc have difficulty raising a child, do you think you can alone? Can you give this child (if you decide to have), a happy, loving, supportive, provide everything a child needs until the age of 18 years old?If you have all that, money, time, support, energy, then go ahead!!!! A child is not a dog, you just have because you feel like, then neglect, like many stupid parents in the world do, because they get horny, cannot control themselves, keep zipper up, close their legs. Because, irresponsible parents that get horny, have children. These kids grow up lost, become lost adults.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 September 2011):
I don't plan on giving you a lecture, but a simple reminder of what you're considering here. It sounds lovely and all, having a baby with a man who will be there as a father, support you financially. Apart from him being married! And, while his marriage status hasn't been much of a problem until this point, bringing a child into it is selfish.
Think of your kid. Do you know how much the wife will hate not only you, but also the innocent kid for just being alive? Or do you think the wife will never find out, so while the kid grows older he'll have to know as well that his father is a cheater and that he must be kept a SECRET from the rest of his family? Grandparents, siblings he'll never meet.... Not to mention family holidays. No family holidays... And what does he tell his friends when he grows up, about why his dad and mom aren't together?
Do you not think it'd be a tad with shameful, and make the kid a perfect target for bullying? You might as well give birth and call the child "Apple" or another stupid name.
It'd actually be a far easier burden to carry if you just went out, had a one night stand to a stranger, and got knocked up. It'd be easier for the child to carry that burden. Like it or not, but if you have a child with this man you'd need to keep that child a secret from his father's side of the family, and potential siblings, because that child WILL get the heat of it.
Pick a father that is suitable, the best father you can for your future child. And that father is not this married man. Because no matter how much he wants to spend time with the child, the child will always belong to "the mistress", be an outsider, and be full of shame. And the child will know this, kids aren't stupid. While you CHOSE to be the side dish, a future child doesn't get that choice. I think your future child deserves a full time dad, and not be a "kid on the side". That's the least you can do, that's the least amount of respect you can show your future child. Let it be born with pride and joy, and not... something to be hidden away and purely for you to enjoy in privacy.
Will your family not also want to get to know the father of your child? Will your family not want to meet him? Will your family not start to wonder? People TALK. Your family, while having him over for visits, or your sisters kid, will more than likely talk about you and your relationship with the dad, and the kid will hear it. Try to pick a father the kid can be PROUD of, not ashamed of. Maybe you feel ok with the social stigma, the plotting and secrecy and the hiding away, but is it fair to force that social stigma on to a child?
Realistically, yes, you can have a child with this man. But realistically you can have a child with any other man who is willing to sleep with you. Doesn't mean just about anyone is suitable. And I don't think a married lover qualifies as suitable.
If I were in your shoes... I'd keep my eyes open for someone who can openly admit to being the father of your child, without that causing social stigma, even if you and the father are not in a relationship. But someone you can bring to school with the kid, and leave the kid alone with to bring to his family and vacations, someone the child can connect to on a one-on-one level. Someone who can publicly announce he is the father, someone who will not make the child have to answer difficult questions about why mom isn't married, but daddy is... A father you wouldn't have to hide!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): Hes married and like the other answerer said, how will the child feel being born out of an affair? Save up and go to a sperm bank or adopt. And stop seeing this man. How would you feel if you found out your mother or father was involved with a married man/woman. You can do so much better, and do you really think he'll always be there for the child? Nine months from now, he'll be pacing across the hospital floor wondering how he'll explain this to his wife. Then he'll see the door and walk right out of it. Chances are he won't want anything to do with this child. You can make a better life for yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): what stood out for me is when you said "I know for a fact". Well, you dont know how he will feel in the next 9 months.. hell you dont even know what will happen tomorrow. Point is: you can never be sure about people..there is never guarantees with anyone... particularly men. People change their minds all the time. and right now ...he might promise you heaven and earth.... and you may also know without a shadow of a doubt that he will be supportive etc.... but when a child gets here... there's lots of variables in play. right now.... he thinks he'll be supportive and maybe he really wants to... but he really cannot know for sure until the child gets here and then he's forced to to evaluate everything and... most times, he will chose his family first. So bottom line is this: if you desperately need a child, have the child... but do it only because YOU want to and YOU can support that child both financially and emotionally without his help. have no expectations of what he will be when the child comes along and prepare emotionally for that. If you feel okay with the decision to still have a child regardless of his support then go right ahead. Otherwise dont do it because the heartache you will experience could well have been avoided. my best friend is right now experiencing the effects of having a child with a non-supportive boyfriend. Before she got pregnant, the man promised the world... and infact was insisting he really wanted a child etc. when she was 5 months in, he just changed, cut off all communication and basically went awol on her. then when she finally got to talk to him [8months pregnant].. he was like " i dont even think that is my baby" [my friend was a virgin who get pregnant her first time having sex.. they'd been dating for 6 years and had pledged to celibacy till marriage until it became unbearable]. Two months ago she had her baby and he didnt even show up to the hospital to see his son. He has not even visited at home. this is someone she would have gone to the grave for defending his loyalty and good naturedness. Now, he's a totally different person. Point is: feelings are fickle, people will change their minds [ and sometimes wont even give you notice so you can prepare for the impending catastrophe], people will dissapoint . so whatever you do, do for you and dont depend on anyone else.
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reader, serenity80 +, writes (18 September 2011):
"Do I wait and possibly give up on having a baby by risking meeting someone else"This is the core of the issue, you, like all mistresses, have the same core fundamental issue within yourself. You do not feel that you are worthy of being in a marriage with a "good" man yourself: so you settle for second best. You need to forget this dreadful way of thinking regarding the baby, and instead see your affair for what it is. You are his bit on the side - nothing more, nothing less. I'm sure he has told you all sorts of exaggerations for your importance in his life, but it is not true. If he felt the same way as you do about him, you would be the person he would come home to and wake up with every day. You can either do this the easy way: don't face the realities of your life, and continue down the path you are going down, or second: take a stand, want more from your life, and change your life decisions based on this. This is the only way you will end up "happily ever after" and I think you know this to be true, don't you?
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (18 September 2011):
 I completely agree with maverick.One thing I'd like to add is that taking care of children involves a lot of hard work and co-parenting. While you may really want a child, you need to remind yourself that this man will be a part-time father (if that) for your child and you. Chances are you will grow to resent him and your situation when you're the only one waking up at night for feeding, when he is not there for the kid's first steps, first words, or other moments that put a smile on your face, or scare you. He will not be there when the child is sick or in tears asking when his daddy will be home.Our lives are filled with small events throughout the day and you would not be able to share those moments with this man. You will not receive the emotional support that you need, nor will you have the simple option of having him home every day and seeing him with your child. You're focusing too much on your desire to have a child, instead of the basic logistics. Be reasonable and think of your unborn child. He deserves a father who is going to be there for him every day. Hell, you deserve someone who will be there to support you and your child every day.
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female
reader, Nime +, writes (18 September 2011):
 I totally agree with maverick494. Sadly, it does not sound like you have your potential child's welfare or best interests in mind at all. Would you really want your child to be the product of such a scandal, to grow up reminded of it every day, as he most certainly would be? Don't you think you can do better for your child? It sounds as though you're not thinking past the stage of infant 'adorable bundle of joy' that you can parade around in a pram, but babies grow up very quickly and then you've got a real problem! Even a young child can sense when there is scandal and shame surrounding his origins and once he discovers the nature of it it will affect his self-esteem and future relationships for the rest of his life. We don't even have to talk about your MM's wife and their own children (but we really should). What you are proposing here is pure single-minded selfishness and it is alarming that you do not mention or consider your potential child's welfare at all in your post; rather you seem to think of him as an object or accessory that will satisfy YOUR needs. Reread your question here and ask yourself if you can really disagree.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 September 2011):
The real question you have to ask yourself is this: would you want a child that grows up knowing he/she was born in an affair and that his/her dad is actually committed to another person that is not his mom? He/she is going to be the bastard child, second best to his father. He/she won't be made out of love and be born into a loving family, but to satisfy an urge.
It's not just about being able to play the daddy part. Your future child deserves a father that is there for him/her in the most important moments of his/her life, not just some cash cow who meets up in secret to keep the role playing game going.
Sure, lots of people get divorced and many kids grow up with their parents seperated, but you are specifically choosing to conceive a child in questionable circumstances. Affairs are frowned upon and condemned by many people, maybe even the child's once he/she has been able to develop his/her moral compass.
This is not just about you having mommy urges. Put yourself in your future child's shoes and be honest with yourself if you would like to grow uo in these circumstances with this history. To me you are being selfish and giving into hormones. Imagine if the wife would ever find out that her husband had a child with some other woman. She might force him to leave you and you'll be a single mother in the true sense of the word, even if he continues to pay up.
I do not think having a baby with this man is realistic. I also think it's terribly selfish and unfair for the child.
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