A
female
age
51-59,
*ooty70
writes:My husband has cheated on me with at least 2 other women during a 5 year period. I found out about his secret double life about 2 years ago. I recently told his parents the details of what he had been doing one day when I got extremely upset and was looking for support.His father's response was that I am not the only woman to be hurt and then he proceeded to tear strips off me and tried to find fault with my family and saying that my siblings were at loggerheads with each other on my wedding day. My siblings were not at loggerheads, everyone was happy and pleasant and that was 12 years ago anyway. He told me to respect HIS son in front of HIS grandchildren and told ME to respect his wife.When fatherinlaw was tearing me down my husband joined in and I had the 2 of them bullying me. I was so angry and upset that my husband did not tell his father to stop and joined in. This was the same reaction I got from my husband when I discovered his cheating, he threw a barrage of insults at me and I was so shocked that I had no idea that he thought this way about me.Anyway I eventually apologised to father-inlaw because I was in a place where I couldnt leave and had to stay with them for the next 2 weeks.I now am of the belief that my FIL cheated on his wife too. My husband did tell me his mother had cheated but he never revealed that his father was also a cheater. So I unwittingly married into a family where infidelity occurred between my in-laws.My FIL now seems to be very family orientated like we must spend every christmas having a family lunch and they always see the grandchildren on their birthdays and easter, No other time mind you, just the dates they think show that they are a united family. Oh yes, he also accused me of not spending mothers'day with my MIL. Does he forget that I am also a mother and have a mother as well.My dilemma is this: It is the in-laws 50th wedding anniversary and they are going to a restaurant for lunch to celebrate. Due to him verbally abusing me about his cheating son, and he and his wife showing me no empathy over their son's despicable behaviour,I do not want to go to their anniversary lunch. Should I go just for the sake of keeping the peace or would not going create a bad situation. I know I would look like the bad guy for not going and they would think that I have the problem. Should I say I dont want to go or just pretend to me sick? Any ideas appreciated.
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anniversary, cheated on me, christmas, infidelity, period, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (24 August 2011):
 You have a lot of years ahead of you my dear. My heart goes out to you as I know how hard it is to walk from a long marriage (I was married for 19 years). It can be done, and now I have a happy new life.
Nobody should villify you for trying to hold onto your marriage but unless your husband makes some effort to love you and care for you again, it's a little like flogging a dead horse. I wonder how old your children are? If they are late teens or young adults, they are going to be severly damaged by watching their mother shrink further and further into a shadow like status. They may even carry the same behaviours into their own marriages or relationships.
I know you are scared, I know you fear reprisals, but can't your own family give you some help and support?
You need to read the law of your country and find out exactly what the custody rights are. You will not lose your children because he has cheated and your in laws have no power at all to have a say in what happens.
I feel very very sorry for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): 'I just wish I could find the strength to leave but I fear the repercussions and the laying blame at my door for breaking up my family and anything they might do to ensure I dont get custody of my children. I guess really I am staying in this marriage out of fear. "
if you leave your husband, you will not be the one who broke up the family. HE is the one who broke up the family, by betraying the marriage. In court, that will be in your favor as far as getting custody of your kids (at least in america it would be).
it's time to take a stand that you will no longer play along with your husband and his family. They are all a bunch of fakes - cheating on their spouses yet pretending they are the perfect happy family. And if they would blame you for breaking up the family because you have the integrity to not accept betrayal, that's even more reason to leave your husband and his family behind!!
i'm guessing it's your FIL who's the one controlling everyone. Usually in a family it's one person who is the controllign one, and who has everyone else under their thumb.
when you start to stand up to him, he will be enraged and probably so will your husband. Relish this! watch their childish tantrums or retaliations. You are creating a lot of anxiety in them when you stop playing their game. This is what they deserve.
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A
female
reader, Sooty70 +, writes (23 August 2011):
Sooty70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for you answer anonymous on 23 August. You have captured the situation exactly, something which I have been unable to put into words or explain to anyone. Your insight and explanation is spot on about my inlaws. Very controlling and being obsessed about needing to appear like a perfect happy family because of their secrets.
I thank you so very much for your reply. I just wish I could find the strength to leave but I fear the repercussions and the laying blame at my door for breaking up my family and anything they might do to ensure I dont get custody of my children. I guess really I am staying in this marriage out of fear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): Since you chose to stay married to your husband despite his cheating, that means you also chose to accept the trappings of this marriage meaning, his family.however, you don't HAVE to do anything. You can certainly not go to the lunch. what are they gonna do - show up at your home and drag you to the restaurant? Talk nasty things about you behind your back? being such toxic people they probably already do that anyway. when inlaws (or other family) expect you to attend their events - when they issue a summons rather than an invitation - that's a sign of being controlling. I'm guessing that since your inlaws are a family of cheaters, that to them keeping up appearances of a 'normal happy family' is of the utmost importance. When people know they don't have the real thing and feel ashamed of it, pretending that they do becomes an obsession. maybe that's why your in-laws insist on creating these fake happy family events and that you attend them. It's to cater to THEIR insecurities.if you give in to placate them, you are rewarding their behavior and they will just continue to do this. If you stand up for yourself, they may well retaliate against you. But if you continue to not give in, eventually they may tire of it and just write you off but leave you alone. ask yourself what you would feel easier to live with in the long run (not just in the short term like on that day or week). giving in to buy some peace? being a fake at the dinner table?
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A
female
reader, Sooty70 +, writes (23 August 2011):
Sooty70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your really insightful supportive advice. I am glad to be able to ask this of others because obviously my husband and in-laws are not the type of people to give a non-judgemental opinion. Yes they are very selfish and manipulative people and the father-in-law is very secretive and still keeps secrets to this day from his wife, as she has complained to me about it recently. I see that my husband is emulating his father.
They are a fake family and yes they got angry because I found out about their "family secret" of infidelity. Now I have the same secret, although I didnt keep it a secret.
I am still with husband because of financial reasons and also the thought of him getting a new woman if I leave and that woman having interaction with my children, I might find that more difficult to deal with than staying put.
Also every time I think of leaving there is always something like someone's birthday, or fathers' day etc that stops me.
Anyway, I really appreciate all of your answers, it is good to get outsiders opinions of this family because I always thought there was something disfunctional but had no-one to ask, and it starts to make you think there is something wrong with you. My family have noticed that the in-laws are only interested in themselves and that they have no interest in me.
I think I will have to go to this anniversary lunch but I will feel such a hypocrite having to say "congratulations" to them. Maybe I just wont say that and ignore them. I really am at the stage where I dont have any interest in them and I dont want or have any need for them to be in my life anymore. They only cause me mental anguish even though they dont do anything because it's not like they interfere in anyway, its the non-interest they show that angers me yet I am expected to do the right thing by them on these family events.
Maybe having dis-interested in-laws is better than having interferring ones.
Thank you all so very much again for your wonderful responses.
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (22 August 2011):
 The fact that you stayed with your husband after what he did means that you have in some way accepted the fact that he led the double life. And if you "accept" it then you need to continue playing the game... it will be better to go to the anniversary lunch.
Had you left him and told him that cheating was unacceptable and you were invited - then you can decide what you really want to do and your decision would not affect your day-to-day life after... Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle  +, writes (22 August 2011):
 What jerks! Screw them! Don't go!
Also, I think it might be time to leave that ungrateful husband of yours. You deserve better!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): Hi,
I am sorry that your husband is a serial liar and cheater and have no empathy for you. Actually cheating is one of the most devastating situation one have to deal besides death. I know exactly how you feel and it's disgusting that your husband and your in laws behave this way. I cant understand your husband and his family?? Really??? What kind of morals, integrity do these people have???
I am assuming that you are still with your husband due to your children and financial matters. I understand, must be so difficult, heartbreaking having to live with these people.
As per your question, unfortunately for now you have to do as they please. You have to go to this lunch anniversary because if you don't they will blame you, hate you for the rest of your life. These people are selfish and ignorant, they will never forgive you or understand you.
Advice, you get to live life once and you should do what's best for you and your happiness. It's never late for changes and I know that you can do better..... Find a job if in case you don't work, ask friends and family to support you mentally. You deserve better than this, try to improve your self esteem, confidence, be strong, positive and go for what your heart desire.
I just want to let you know that you have the right to feel angry, disappointed and hurt. You did the right thing trying to approach your in laws and husband about the cheating. You have the right to ask and deserve answers and a proper apology. I just want you to understand that, because your husband and his family are very manipulative people and I don't want them to brain wash you and make you think what has happened is right.
I hope you make the right choices in your life, hope you feel better and wish you the best and happiness.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (22 August 2011):
Your in laws and your husband sound like a complete nightmare. They are controlling you and manipulating you. It seems that all their bad behaviour can be explained away by twisting it to look like your fault.
You are completely hiding out in your marriage. Do you have any happiness with your husband? Do you feel loved and supported? Is your husband kind and caring?
Or are you just staying because you have nowhere else to go, don't want to lose face or are scared of upsetting other people?
You need to weigh up the pros and cons of your marriage and decide if it is really worth tolerating for the rest of your life.
If you find you cannot tolerate it then you need to make arrangements to leave and file for divorce.
If you think you can tolerate it, you should probably have a serious talk with your husband, let him know that you arnt happy and that he and his family can no longer push you around.
From an outsiders view and going on what you have written, I think you need to consider ending things and starting life afresh. Ducking and diving, being a doormat and allowing people to verbally abuse you and gang up on you is just WRONG and if you do nothing to change it, you really have no cause to complain.
My advice: either stand up to them and fight back or walk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): Why are you still with your husband? Clearly he and his family have no respect for you.
Dont just stay out of duty like your mother in law. She set a president to these men, that no matter what, the good wife will forgive because thats what they do. In all honesty one affair maybe you can put it behind you , but multiple ones! No i would not if i were you.
Tough if they dont like it because thats what happens if you dont respect your wedding vows and the woman you promised to foresake all others for.
They are angry because you found out and that there is a twinge of guilt and worry in case you break up this fake loving family.
Get out now and break the cycle, and if you have sons hopefully it will show them what dad has done is wrong.
Have you confided to your own mother the state of your marraige, if not do so. You will need love and support from people who are close to you.
Make sure you have a plan of action of what you want to do.
If you stay are you able to cope with him being unfaithful again?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 August 2011):
I have to ask a question - why are you still with your husband?
Because my advice is to not go to that lunch, but to also leave your poor excuse for a husband and build a better life elsewhere.
I think you need to make a run from this whole family to be honest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): Why are you even still married to this pathetic waster and involved with such a fake 'family'?
My first gut instinct is to leave because you will just end upp miserable surrounded by such domineering bullys.
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