A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was in a 1 and a half relationship and ended it last year March because my boyfriend was behaving badly He was flirting with other women. I expressed my distaste with this behavior and suspected that he was doing more than flirting with two other women overseas. While I don't have proof of sex, I dis snoop and saw love messages being exchanged between these two.I created a fake facebook page as a man and added these two women. Turned out neither one of them knew he was dating seeing me and planning to marry me. They both were longing to marry him and he told them the same reason why he is not marrying now because of where he was in his life.Armed with these facts, I approached him kindly again and asked him to stop these foolish acts of his. Although he never saw it as a problem, he did stop talking to other women but it took a long time. But did not end it with the two other women I felt like he was having an affair with. One got wind of me and ended it because I disclosed it to her through my detective work on my fake facebook but the other one who was really young continued to pursue the relationship and wouldn't let go even when she found out about me. He told me it was difficult for him to break up with someone who had not done anything to him so I should give him time as he is working on it. He pleaded with me not to worry that he is done with her but she still thinks he is not. Then one day on his weekend trip to see me, we went to a party together and he flirted with a woman but told me she was just marketing her business and he took her card. Well after he left, I went to detective mode again and found out he was flying her over. I was crushed but maintained my cool.. The day she was to arrive, I called around her arrival time and he was not answering his call. I called the hotel and he picked up so I hung up. I called him the day after and told him to have fun with the woman he was with. He was devastated and concocted some story about how he was doing his friend a favor and she was not for him. He called me that night and he was still not telling the truth so I told him goodnight. He did not call me and I did not call him. His birthday passed and still I did not call. He called on thanksgiving after a month and we started seeing again. He still did not apologize but I decided to let it go thinking he had a month to think about his actions. I guess this was my second mistake.A month after he came to see me and we talked but still nothing about what he did. Then Christmas I went to see him. I snooped again and found out he during our silence he was heavily contacting this other girl overseas and may have rekindled with her. Then he visited this girl's country for a friend's wedding and did not call me for several days, I got really upset. When he came back to the States, I gave him cold shoulder and was expecting him to be remorseful about what he is doing but he didn't really show it. So I pondered and broke it off with him.Four months later due to a serious injury he had, I contacted him to tell him to feel better. We ended up started speaking again and things were looking like he had finally got his life together and matured for a change. However he was asking me to come over. I did not like that he was not trying to come after me so I maintained my cool. He told me he has reached a breaking point and wants to settle. He told me the problem he had with me is that I act like the man wearing the pants in the relationship. I knew where he was coming from but it wasn't true. I made more money, had a house, car paid for, credit is outstanding and was very stable in my career and life. He did not have any of these things. Regardless of this I was there for him. He took money from me and did not pay it all back. I made plans for us because he wouldn't due to his circumstances. Now all of a sudden this made me look like the person in control?When I saw that he still was hesitant about committing to me and felt like I did not need need to be in a competition with this other girl, I decided to have the talk again. This time he told me we were not in a relationship and we were just friends. I could not believe my ears, why was he still calling me baby and trying to get me over to his place and telling me he wants us to work? So with this new info, I told him i could not take it anymore. He is playing with my heart and If he is not serious, I don't want to go through the heartache again. I ended the call and he did not call me back.Well, Six months after our break and a month after our last conversation he proposes to this girl. I am still so hurt. I feel like I was defeated. I knew he loved me more than her and he wanted to do right but I feel like I broke it off untimely. I have every reason to do everything I did for this relationship so I have no regrets. But a part of me feels like I should have let a lot of things alone and let him come around at his own pace. Now his facebook is decorated with their pictures together and I feel jealous and hurt.I want answers. I guess there is no closure. Did I get played by this man? And If I contact him will I get true answers or will I be setting my self up? He loves me more but I did not give him peace and this other girl took his nonsense and stuck it through. Am I a sorry quitter? Should I have waited patiently for him to change? All these is going through my head. Last question should I contact him? And if I did is there a hope that he will still want me?
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a break, affair, christmas, crush, facebook, flirt, jealous, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): Okay, not to get too psycho-babble on you but...It sounds like you are not in love with him, be the fantasy of taking a emotional unavailable man (to say the least) and have him be transformed by your love. It makes a lot of women feel that they are worthy, because their partners changes for them. A lot of times, it stems from a dysfunctional relationship with parents, particularly with a father figure since you are female.On an unconscious level, we are trying to create a similar situation that we had in childhood, and then solve it. It's pretty normal to do and take this for what you will.In any case, if you need closure and you need to contact him, do so. But just be aware that you'll probably get hurt in the process and that the closure is in you, not him.
A
female
reader, khot  +, writes (8 May 2013):
 Gal I can't believe you are defending this guy...you don't seem to get e advice you are told
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 May 2013):
 OP, again : he TOLD you it's over by his actions : getting engaged with the other girl.
Have you thought that now ,IF he is a changed man ( but too early to say, all changes need to be permannet to be true changes ) .. he has changed for this other woman, and not for you. That he might have found in her a motivation to change, which he never found in you ?
And have you thought that part of his value to him, and his attempt to keep you around while seeing other women, could have something to do with your stability / career / house / car / willingness to " lend " money that he does not have to give back ?...
Anyway, this is in the past. Letr the sleeping dogs lie and move on with your life to better relationships.
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A
female
reader, finalmailings +, writes (7 May 2013):
 You said this:But I have facts now to believe he has changed and turned a new leaf. He is acting like the serious responsible man I've always wanted him to be. Maybe he did sure need more time and I did not give it to him.Why should I have worked so hard and not reap the benefits. You call it games but I did it for a reason. I was trying to make us work and thought maybe if I went deep down in the situation and understood why it was happening I will be able to give the relationship a shot.I just want closure. Why her and not me?=====================================================What benefits? A guy who doesn't care about your feelings, doesn't pay you back, lies, flirts, cheats...What are the benefits here? What do you feel you are missing out on? Also, you could have done NOTHING to make him want you. He either does or he doesn't. What this waiting out? So you think you should have just let him walk all over you so you can get the grand prize of being treated with no lover or respect. What's your background? What happened to you as a kid? I don't mean to sound ruthless, and I am not being condescending, but you need therapy (I did too and have been for the last 10 years). The closure here for you is to figure out WHY? it is you want this type of guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): No girl, no no no..RUN. You need to seriously work on yourself. This man is NO GOOD, and you are asking the WRONG questions. Try something like: Why am I allowing myself to be treated like crap?
This is not about this guy..this is about you. And he doesn't love you or her more, it's all about him. Your lucky to get out, but your luck won't last because unless you do something to change the kind of man we bring into our lives, you are doomed to repeated the past.
There are too many great men out there, for you to get stuck with this loser. A man who really loves you, would never do any of this to you. Time for you to realize this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to add that I did see his conversation with this girl when he was telling her that they are just friends. She was getting played as well so he only went back to her when he could not work hard to get me back.
Do I believe that he did not love me. No he did but he sure did love himself more. But from what I've heard he is a changed man and very responsible now. It makes me feel bad that I did not stick it through for I saw his good side.
It's tough to move on the way it ended. I feel like I need to hear him say it's over. I walked away twice and it hurts that I did. Everything just hurts.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 May 2013):
 Yes you got played. Live and learn. NO MORE thinking of him, no contact with him. no wondering what MIGHT have been.
it's over and done.
You want closure. You have it. It’s over between you and him, he just never was that into you. “Why her and not me?” you ask.
Because YOU were not the one he loves and wants. She is. You can’t control that and nothing you can do will change it.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (6 May 2013):
Should you contact him?
NO, NO, and NO.
This man has played you for a fool. You ought not to even WANT to get back with him - your commonsense should have told you that a long time ago.
Sorry.
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A
male
reader, Grym +, writes (6 May 2013):
Food for thought: The fact that he changed when he was with her and not with you simply means that the two of you were never meant to be.
It's easy to look back and say you should have done this or that differently but in the end, it all comes down to the fact that you two weren't compatible.
Move on for good.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 May 2013):
Third vote for move on. Untimely ? You feel as if you broke it off untimely ?! It was just about time, instead. You knew he was a cheater. You knew he was a liar . And you knew he was a moocher( the loan he did not finish paying back ). In short, yes, you got played . It happens to the best of us. Don't feel bitter about it, but do not waste any more time on this. You HAD your closure, and more than once . The last, when he proposed to the girl who, according to his version, was just delusional and "thought" she was in a relationship with him.
What more closure would you want ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): Yes you got played by him. No you will not get the answer you want if you contact him. He's a manipulator, if you contact him he will continue to manipulate you, probably even try to sweet talk you into keeping you hanging on as a back up for when he gets in a spat with his current girl, he can run to you, only to mistreat you and use you again.
None of this is your fault. Thats what sociopaths/manipulators do, try to make you feel responsible for their wrong doings. They do not have a conscience nor feel any remorse. They wreak havoc and hurt people and never own up to it and instead put blame on others.
And no he did not love you. This man doesnt love anybody but himself. And NO, do not contact him. This man is bad news.
From what you describe of him (a player, feels no remorse, has nothing to show for himself eg, car, house, is a user), and from what you describe of how you feel, Im pretty positive he's a sociopath. He fits the criteria to a tee. And these people are very emotionally damaging, as you see.
I suggest you see a therapist. You werent dealing with a normal person and a therapist can help you better understand what you've been through and how to cope with it. You'll never get that answer from him, his head is messed up.
Guys like him are some of the hardest to get over, I dont know why. But be strong, do not let him ruin you completely, stay far far away from him. And please see a therapist. It is important that you uncover and make yourself aware of what you've just been through. Thats where you'll find your closure.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (6 May 2013):
 I agree with IAmHereToHelpYou. You need to move on. If you go back with him, he will continue to cheat on you, knowing that you will always take him back no matter what. You're setting very low standards for yourself if you take him back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut I have facts now to believe he has changed and turned a new leaf. He is acting like the serious responsible man I've always wanted him to be. Maybe he did sure need more time and I did not give it to him.
Why should I have worked so hard and not reap the benefits. You call it games but I did it for a reason. I was trying to make us work and thought maybe if I went deep down in the situation and understood why it was happening I will be able to give the relationship a shot.
I just want closure. Why her and not me?
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