A
male
age
26-29,
*ushua
writes:Dear fellow readers, I have found myself stuck in a very fragile situation and I am in need of some serious, thought out advice. I am 16 and have been with my girlfriend for about a year now, and I have hit a brick wall. A few weeks ago I ask her to shave for me because I think it looks sexyier and would be alot nicer to be confronted with silky soft skin next time I give oral. But sue refused, I knew she was against it before we got together, but it feels like she won't do it to make things more sexy for me. I tried to convince her to, but I am not going to force her. I do so so much for her, giving her everything I have got, and she does appreciate it but it feels now like she doesnt appreciate it enough. I just want her to do it because she wants to make herself more attractive to me, not because she feels forced into it. I darent ask again, and I know sex isn't everything in our relationship, just this one thing is getting to me. I am currently not having sex or any kind of foreplay because shortly after discussing this with her she told me not to finger her because she doesn't feel comfortable with her body ATM, I can understand why, but It felt like I was the one been punished, and told her the next time we do sexual things is when I think she deserves it. I just need to know what to do, and how to take it from here.I don't have much life experience and your help with be massively appreciated. Regards Josh
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 May 2011):
 This question is now closed. If the original poster (OP)would care to make a followup to the aunts who answered, please PM me. Otherwise, thank you all for your answers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Damn Mishmash brilliant answer!
Look Josh we're not having a go at you so there's not need to be defensive, we're having a go at your attitude and your behaviour because all you're doing is pushing her away and making her feel horrible and worthless. Do you really think that kind of thing is going to work, or has it made her even more closed off, it's having the exact opposite effect isn't it?
We're telling you this, in this way so you'll listen.
Dude the people answering your question range from 18 to mid 40's and we're all telling you the exact same thing. Are we all wrong just because you don't like what you hear?
If you want to gain some valuable life experience you have to learn to accept the things you don't like hearing because it's those things that are generally the things you should listen to most and do something about.
Instead you're acting like a child who's mommy won't buy him ice cream so you throw a tantrum, start shouting at her that she hates you and refuse to eat your dinner to try and blackmail her into buying you that ice cream, grabbing onto the chair and screaming loudly to get what you want, just like in supernanny. What would be the best way to get that ice cream Josh? What would you tell a child who wanted that ice cream? You'd tell him to behave, to be nice and to earn it by doing good things and being a good boy for his mommy and make her feel so good that she will buy you that ice cream happily.
The same principle works here. You'd be amazed at the amount of things people will be willing to sacrifice and do for you if you make them feel good enough about themselves. You'd also be amazed how even the nicest of people, how even the pushovers of this world will react to being treated like dirt and made to feel like shit and worthless for not doing what they're told.
All you're doing is closing her down, making her feel like you don't actually deserve anything from her, unhappy to give you anything because you're making it a situation where she has to, not want to. You're making everything you've done for sound like you only do those things so she'll do what you want. So even now if she did it for the reasons you want she'd just become bitter, she'd start to view you with contempt and get no pleasure from having you touch her because you didn't give her a choice. She already hates the idea of you touching her after this.
This is something she has said from the start she's not going to do and now you're kicking up a fuss because she hasn't changed her mind?
If you want to fix this, then you'll apologize and you'll let it go. Or you could actually do her a favour and leave her and let her find a guy who's willing to have a mature relationship and isn't going to blackmail and coerce her into doing everything he wants her to do because he feels entitled to it.
Or you could be the mature one, say you're sorry, tell her that she's sexy as hell as she is, you love her vag and you went all wrong about this. Then maybe sometime in the future she'll want to do it just to please you but right now the way you're acting it's not going to happen in any kind of nice way, if she does at all and when she talks to her friends about this, when other people find out what you're doing and how you're treating her they all tell her the exact same thing we told you. You'll be lucky if she's still your girl after all this man, you're going to have to work hard to convince her after the way you've been acting. Because right now I'd say other guys are looking a lot nicer to her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): DearCupid,
My boyfriend really wants me to shave my privates. I told him I don't want to. I'm not comfortable with the idea...I don't like having a razor so close to my genitals where I can't see. I also don't want to have to bother with it everyday and get ingrown hair.
But ever since he asked and I refused, he won't touch me there. Part of me suspects he's just being passive agressive and is trying to hold out until I do shave...but I really don't want to.
Now, I feel like he thinks my sexual parts are ugly and that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I am still sexual, but I have trouble feeling that way around him.
What should I do?
I promise you Josh, everyone here would tell this hypothetical girl to leave her boyfriend and find someone who wouldn't use sex and affection to manipulate people.
Good luck out there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Dude, what the hell? 'You'd get better advice from fourteen year olds?' Go ask some 14 year olds then, seeing as that's how old you're acting over this. Obviously not mature enough to be in a sexual relationship. That's not a dig, that's just the honest truth. All the other posters are correct. Would you wax your balls if she said it would make it 'sexier and better for her?'. Didn't think so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Josh what did you expect us to say?
Look at what you're doing dude, you're emotionally blackmailing her because she won't shave her privates for you.
1. She had that opinion before you got together.
2. To make things more sexy for you? She's not sexy enough is basically what you're telling her, You may not think so but she definitely does. All the girls here have told you that.
3. "I do so much for her but she doesn't really appreciate it enough because she won't do what I command her to do" That is what you said.
4. "I just want her to do it because she wants to make herself more attractive to me" Again you basically just told her she's not attractive enough if she doesn't do this, you never tell a woman something like that, ever.
5. "she told me not to finger her because she doesn't feel comfortable with her body ATM, I can understand why" You understand why? No you don't, you basically just told her, her vagina is too hairy and disgusting and now she's too self-conscious about it to let you even touch it. She feels like shit over what you said.
6. "told her the next time we do sexual things is when I think she deserves it." Really man? You're going to decide when she deserves sex and when she doesn't, so you're blackmailing her then dude. That's a horrible thing to say and you know what man? There is no woman on this forum that wouldn't dump you for all of this stuff, they would seriously reconsider your relationship because that's not on.
7. "your help with be massively appreciated" Actually our help isn't appreciated at all, you just basically told us you wanted us to agree with you and tell you how to make her shave for you. You need to grow up JOSH and you need to learn to respect your woman, you need to learn not to blackmail her into doing things and you need to learn not to make her feel ugly, unloved and thoroughly shit because she didn't want you to do this for her.
Don't believe us? Ask your mom about this see what she says. Ask the woman who raised you, the woman that cared for you your entire life what she would do if a guy treated her this way.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (19 May 2011):
Maybe this aint the relationship for you. It sounds like she is pretty young, and you are making her feel uncomfortable. You need to be a good boyfriend, get to know her and find out how she works so you can help her feel confident.. with confidence comes feeling sexual. Whilst she is feeling bad about her body (and probably herself) she'll never be up for trying different things for you. You'll come across as being a sex-pest (even if you're not)You need to change your attitute mate or it's all going to end badly, you'll end up losing her, and I think you'll end up being more upset about.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 Im thinking maybe you just worded yourself wrong. You feel like you are the one being punished when she doesn't want to have sex. So not giving her sex then sounds like an odd decision, did you mean to say that you wanted her to not feel uncomfortable next time? And that if you do have sex again she should relax because she deserves to get pleasure and intimacy?
I'm just guessing that maybe you worded yourself wrong and didn't mean you don't think she deserves to me intimate with you, but that you want her to feel comfortable being intimate with you.
Try to look for things that she does for you instead of focusing on the one thing she wont do. You ask "why wont she do this one thing", but maybe she does lots of things and this is the one thing she wont do. It is not much to complain about then. Im also thinking you might want her to shave so badly simply because you know she doesn't want to. So if she did, it would be a statement of her love for you. In other words, what you ask for is a sacrifice to prove her love.
This is natural, many seek this form of validation. However, we should not ever ask for proof of love. Either a person shows is naturally, and you are able to see it (some close their eyes and refuse to see it), or it wont ever come. You can not force it, and even if someone proved their love for you, would it be enough? Would you demand more the next time? It is a dangerous and addictive game to get involved with, and better to stay clear of it.
Don't ask for proofs. If you feel neglected, deal with that as an issue in itself. If you feel neglected, or that the relationship isn't fulfilling, her shaving for you will not make you feel better in the long run, because the relationship will still be the same. She'll be herself, and you will be you. People don't change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): You knew before you got together that she was against it, so what, you thought you could change her mind, that she would do it for you because you deserved it?
**she told me not to finger her because she doesn't feel comfortable with her body ATM**
She is feeling this way, because of YOU. How much action do you think you are going to get if you make your girl friend feel like this... Oh yes that's right NONE.
I hope she can get past the way she is feeling, and doesn't take it with her to her next boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, svf  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 I truly hope she dumps you!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 What do you do now Josh ? You pray, LOL !
You pray that your gf is not proud, touchy , vindictive or one that does not suffers fools gladly, because if she is, your " the next time we do sexual things is when I think you deserve it " is more than enough to make her kick your butt out of her life.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 May 2011):
 Unless you are in a BDSM relationship where she WILLINGLY submits to your domination you have NO RIGHT to "punish" her.withholding sexual activity because her behavior does not please you is childish and immature. As for her not wanting you to touch her sexually after your DEMANDS, I don't blame her one bit... I've been known to want to withhold from my partner when I'm feeling bad about my body based on something he's said or done.... DEMANDING that she do something for you that goes against her desires is WRONG.ASKING is fine. DEMANDING and punishing is wrong Changes she makes for you of her own free will are fine... I have made changes for my partner but NOTHING that goes against my feelings or beliefs...Perfect example... I met my partner and he shaved fully by his choice... I find a fully shaved male a bit disconcerting and asked him if he would MIND NOT SHAVING... now this man has shaved fully for as long as you've been on this earth... and while it made him uncomfortable he TRIED it. WE are still "negotiating" this request as he is seeking a comfort level having hair... and I'm seeking a comfort level with a man who is more hairless than I LIKE... but it's not a freaking DEAL BREAKER... so he likes to be hair free and I like furry... we settled on nicely and very short trimmed....with certain areas shaved.... I can live with it although it's not my preference it's what I compromise on because I love my partner and his needs are as important as mine
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A
male
reader, Rushua +, writes (19 May 2011):
Rushua is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlot of you have just called me a jerk, or a brat. I don't think that's the case at all. I know it sounds sloppy to say but in truly love her, We do so much together; through thick and thin. I only asked this question to see if anyone else supported me, there's a difference guys from telling someone is wrong, and shouting it in their face. Incidentally she still feels sexy, and knows I find her more attractive that anyone else. I just don't want to go my entire life without atleast trying it. I don't mind the hair, I still get turned on, and I know I shouldn't force it, but she did make me feel like my opinion was wrong.Alot of you now are gonna be thinking 'if you truly love her, then let her be how she wants' and she can stay how she wants, I don't want her to do it because I forced her too, I wanted her to do it because she wants to make things better for me. If she did it for any other reason i'd feel sick and make her change back. I am not immature, or unmanly, I have heard better advice from 14 year olds :/ I just wanted someone to tell me if I should just drop it and learn to let go, which one person did :L or make a compramise, but it seems the only conclusion use guys can draw is 'jerk'. The only reason I put 'I don't have much life experience' is so someone would let the best way be described in a simple way, but noone seems to have the wisdom to do so. Ill handle things myself, and definitely won't be coming back here
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 May 2011):
 ok.. so here's what you do... you GET OVER IT! she's stated her discomfort in shaving, yet you keep pushing her to do it and keep insisting on bringing it up. once should have been enough. no wonder she's uncomfortable with her body around you now. she feels completely unattractive. and understandably so. you keep mentioning her "flaws." if you can't accept her and find her attractive despite her not shaving, then maybe you need to find a new girlfriend who's willing to do whatever it is that you desire.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (19 May 2011):
Sorry Josh, you completely mishandled this.This bit of your post made me most sad/annoyed:"and told her the next time we do sexual things is when I think she deserves it"I know you say you don't have life experience, but surely even you can see how manipulative and controlling that is, especially if someone already suffers from self-esteem problems. Why you thought she would shave when you already knew she was against it is beyond me. On life lesson for you is that you shouldn't expect someone to change for you. Sometimes they might but it's by no means guaranteed and you can't really complain if they don't when you already know the situation.What should you do next?1)Apologise2)Think about your gf feelings. The fact that she doesn't want to do sexual stuff isn't a punishment. You have to learn to accommodate someone else's wishes as well.3)I personally think the damage is done now and you would be better off leaving her and finding someone who is more suitable for you.
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A
female
reader, adamantine +, writes (19 May 2011):
 You can't make her do something she doesn't want to, especially when she told you from the beginning that she wasn't into shaving her pubic hair.You even mentioned that she's feeling insecure about her body.. how do you think it makes her feel when you withhold from her sexually? She's going to feel EXTREMELY un-sexy now. This is going to affect her self esteem. Don't be surprised if she never wants to undress in front of you again.You need to re-think your actions buddy, and tell her you're sorry for this. Never, ever use sex as a way of getting something you want.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (19 May 2011):
 You cannot impose your desires on her in ANY way. She doesn't want to shave. Period. You're trying to arm-twist her into shaving, because you apparently do "so so much for her". Well who asked you to? If you were genuinely doing anything for her, you wouldn't list it and ask for returns.Apologize, stop expecting a barter system, don't ever force your idea of a body image on others. " I tried to convince her to, but I am not going to force her." Well guess what, you DID force her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): I remember I used to be hair free down there for my boyfriend and I hated it! It makes me feel like a little girl. After a while I let it grow (I still trimmed it of course) and stopped doing sexual stuff with my boyfriend. He asked why change, and I was ashamed to tell him why. When I did, he pulled me in close and kissed me on the forehead and told me he doesn't actually care, because I was beautiful to him no matter what. That's the difference between a MAN and a BOY!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): You were "against it"? Sorry Josh, but her body and her grooming choices really aren't decisions to be made by commitee or your unilateral wishes. She should shave it simply because you want her to? Would you cut your hair a certain way for her? Or pierce your ears? Or shave your balls..or your back hair when you get it? And if you decided one of these things was just too much to do and not something you really liked doing, how would you feel if she said you didn't then deserve her affection? Josh, you're being a brat...and you're being shortsighted. "I think it looks sexyier and would be alot nicer to be confronted with silky soft skin next time I give oral." Try confronting the same shaved area 3 days later and I promise you it will not be so smooth and silky. If you like a girl with ingrown hair, razor burn, and a 3 o'clock shadow all over her privates...if that's your thing anyway, then by all means leave her and find someone who will shave themselves for your affection.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Wow Josh, your entire post is the exact opposite of what you should have said, done and felt.Really man, every part of that is wrong. But I'll let the ladies explain in more detail why that is.Seriously though man, all wrong.You have a lot of apologizing to do because you're acting like a massive jerk.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): You knew she didn't like shaving before you got together so why then pressure her into doing it when you knew that? You wanting her to only be interested in making herself more attractive to you IS pressure and she will always to some extent feel forced. You are making her unhappy and she should definitely not exchange sexual favours in appreciation for what you do for her. If that's what you want find a prostitute. She should do it because she finds the idea sexy too.I don't know how important this is to you, if it isn't, as you say then get over it. If it is then find another girl. A good life lesson for you is to find someone you're compatible with (e.g if she doesn't like shaving and you know that beforehand don't date her) because a relationship won't last long or will be very turbulant if one person has to try and change themselves for the other. A small issue to one person can be a dealbreaker to another. "I don't have much life experience"That is apparant from your post. You decided you'll only do sexual things for her when she 'deserves' it? Not feeling comfortable with their body is something a lot of women struggle with and feel bad about especially in the age group your girlfriend is in. You have probably only made the situation and how she sees you worse. You sound very immature. If I were you I would apologise if you did actually say anything along those line. Only insecure women would stick around if you act like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): If she doesn't want to shave, don't make her do it.
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male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (19 May 2011):
 APOLOGIZE!
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