A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I want to cut my "ex" from my life completely and its too hard. We live in different country's now but i'm the kind of mug that would jump the next flight out to see him, where as he wouldn't. Its been also 3 years we have been seeing each other, he's never EVER brought me a little valentines card, not even a birthday(in fact he forgot my birthday this year!!!) present nor xmas! not even a little something to show he appreciates me! He wouldn't add me on facebook,but would be happy to add random sexy girls he doesn't know. EVERYTHING is always about HIM and his problems! I visited him in jail, was a shoulder for him too cry on when times in his life were shit, but i have always been invisible to him and it has screwed me up so bad. He's going through a shit time where he could lose everything, i got a flight out to his country and again it was like any chance he could get out of the room he would. I didnt even want to talk to him because for 1.)when ever i talk or say something he makes me feel like what i have to say isn't important,even if i just want to tell him how my day was or if i ask him what he got up too during the day and 2.)he twists everything i ever say too him. I have tried to talk to him but too many times he has just compared me to his ex wife, in fact i'm the one that has gotten the full brunt of it all because she was a bitch to him in the past(and still is being 1), he blamed/blames me for all the mistakes she made when she was with him. He doesn't realise all this crap he's thrown at me for so long and i've always stuck around. I even know things that he doesn't know that i know about and its pointless me bringing it up because his answer to everything is "ohhh you females are all the same shit". Hes got absolutely NO respect for me, ALWAYS tries to make me out to be paranoid when i know he's screwed about on numerous occasions( i have even witnessed him shoving his face in a woman's breasts, while out clubbing) and i'm only a couple years younger than him,he'll call me "immature" just because i don't want to argue with him. I can't sleep at night because i think of all the crap he's been through and i was little miss naive goody two shoes wanting to actually be with him for life! ARGH i get so angry when ever i think about him! I cry all the time.i think he might try to commit suicide again because his ex has screwed his life up so much because he slit his wrists before! And i'm scared that if i cut him off completely, i'll soon find out he's done something to harm himself again.I know if he ever does, i would not be able to live with myself ! I'm so emotionally screwed and so drained of energy worrying about him that i dont know what to do with myself any more. And the sad thing is,i wish i could just tell him everything i feel but when ever i try to speak i can never seem to find the words! I just go silent! Can some one please tell me what would you do if you were me? :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Thank you everyone for all your feed back, has been such a tremendous help. He has tried to call me today but I ignored his call, I know my problem is that I care too much, I would go out my way too help if I can like when I recently went too his country I spent my whole wage on a flight ticket just because I thought I could help and that he would open up too me which I was sorely mistaken. I don't know how he was with his ex wife, but I do know that she hurt him real bad, she really is not a nice person and has been abusive too me on facebook on occasions,and I have been the closest thing too him since his ex so I guess that explains the need to vent out his anger, but still is really hard to cut him off completely..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): In order for things to be different you're going to have to learn to think differently. Here are some things to think about: Your ex is not the way he is because his wife was 'a bitch to him'. His wife was a bitch to him because of the way he is. Character is not measured by how we behave when things are going our way. It is measured by how we treat others regardless of the circumstances.
You already know what we think you should do – kick him to the curb. However it doesn't sound as though you're emotionally ready to do that, and that fact probably makes you feel even worse. Instead of trying to force yourself to cut ties and get over him all at once, I suggest you wean yourself with small steps.
Keep any pictures or souvenirs of him in a safe place but out of sight. You have the security of knowing they are there without the constant reminder staring you in the face. Give yourself permission to pull them out and look at them every now and then. It is less traumatic to let something go than to have it ripped away.
Create a support network. Rekindle your relationships with family and friends. They can help you keep occupied during your most vulnerable times. Resist the urge to spend your time lamenting about your ex though. Constantly talking about the past keeps us locked in the past and you will burn out your support network. If you want to move forward talk about the future.
Distract yourself with other things and build some small successes. Tackle long overdue projects (clean out your closet, your drawers) or help a friend or relative with theirs. Making a difference in the lives of those who actually appreciate your efforts is very rewarding and something you can proud of.
Treat yourself to a manicure, movie night at home or some other FUN activity. Take up a hobby. Learn a new skill. Get in shape. Re-invent yourself.
If you want to be happy you must do the things that happy people do. Fake it until you make it. Eventually it will come naturally.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (19 May 2011):
Maybe the best way to help you will be for you to give me some advice on the following situation a "friend of mine" is in:"There is this girl I used to see, I love her but she doesn't appreciate me, never buys me presents, I am always there for her but she doesn't care about me or do anything for me, she makes me feel worthless and that anything I say is irrelevent or doesn't mean anything, she isn't interested in what I have to say she just makes the conversation about her, she blames me for things that are not my fault and I feel manipulated into feeling bad about myself when I haven't done anything wrong. She doesn't respect me, she has cheated on me and denies it, and makes it out as if I am crazy. I am worried that she might try to committ suicide and I get manipulated into taking responsibility for her life and emotional well being even though we aren't together. I don't feel like I am able to be myself or express my feelings around her. In other words, the relationship is terrible, I feel bad, we aren't even dating, but I love her."If I had a "friend" who was in this situation, what advice would you give them?To me, it seems obvious that someone in this situation, such as you are, that there is nothing for you in this relationship. You are not getting anything positive out of it, on face value. I suspect you already know that. So the interesting questions for you to ask are, what are the things keeping you in it, why are you attached? Why do you care? Why are you giving all of your emotional energy and attention on a relationship that doesn't appear to give you anything? Do you think you deserve to be in a good relationship with someone who loves you, and acts in a loving way towards you, that makes you feel good about yourself instead of bad about yourself? Why are you investing in less?The issue is not about his actions. He is making it quite clear that he is not able or is not interested in contributing to a meaningful relationship of any kind with you. However, he is under no obligation to do so, he doesn't have to be kind, considerate, or a good friend. The question is why you act the way you do under the given circumstances. Sometimes the common response is "because I love him". Often being in love with someone has nothing to do with the kind or relationship we should have with a person. That can be decided separately, irrespective of our feelings about that person. Sometimes the question is not whether we are being loving towards them, but whether we are being loving enough towards ourselves. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Oddiddi  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 It is so time for you to move on. You deserve better, for sure. You should remove everything that reminds you of your past, photographs, clothes, etc. And most of all, break every contact you have with him (helps a lot he does not live in your country). I know this is much easier said than done, but you should do your best to stay strong. Last of all, you should do something fun, and makes you feel happy, dress up and go out. Good luck, I believe you can do it! xx
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 No more contact for sure. You are actually in different countries so whatever he does to himself you wouldn't know. He could be clubbing right now. He's manipulated you to the point that everything he does in life is because of you. He's probably not thinking of you right now, so don't think about him. If I were you I would have a complete lifestyle change. Change your dress style or do something for your hair. Take some classes of interest. Think about your career. Help other girls here with similar problems. Anything to stimulate your mind in good ways.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 I really do not see what you are getting out of this, I understand that you are kind natured and you want to help this man because he has had a bad past but what are you getting out of it? You cannot say he makes you happy? Not when he treats you like a bit of dirt. Sweetie seriously you deserve so much better than this man, if you keep going down this path you are end up going to have a nervous break down.
You know deep down you need to stop contact get him out of your life and move on. Yes I know it is hard but it is just what you have to do if you want to get your life back. If you keep in contact with him he will continue to eat away at your confidence and make you feel worthless for the rest of your life. Get out now while you can, he is not your responsibility. Maybe you could talk to a councellor about how you are feeling and they can give you some tips to help you.
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