A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of 11 months invaded my privacy, went through an email and saw an email I sent my best friend which said exactly this: "I love my girlfriend. She has a beautiful face, but she is letting herself go. How can I get her to drop 15-20lbs?" Now she has broken up with me and won't talk to me. It's not like I said this to her face - she went through my email and found this email of me seeking advise from a close friend on how to approach and handle the situation.
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 August 2009):
 I'd like to apologize for that last post. It really was quite harsh. I guess I got carried away. As to making assumptions, we often have to when we answer these questions we really don't have all the information.
The more I think about this post, the more I see that there is another problem or two that the OP needs to address. But as the OP has not responded (possibly due to my smacking him down), There is no point in going further. For all we know this is the woman involved asking for permission do dump him.
The main point to take from my original answer is that when people are intolerant relationships will not flourish. And from this post: Sometimes it's better to think a bit more before writing.
FA
A
female
reader, tamika1983 +, writes (13 August 2009):
U have made her feel insecure and not wanted. Especially since she had to read how u felt instead of u being a man and coming to her. Its not what's on the outside but the inside that is really suppose to be counted when u love someone. Yes sometimes looks do play a little part. That was cruel and yes she wouldn't have found out if she wasnl€ being noisy but it was all wrong. That's just like me for instance I just had my 4th child and feel like I need to drop at least 25 lbs. So when I say I need to loose some weight or no I'm not hungry cause I'm trynna loose weight and then my boyfriend say u don't need to eat that I get offended and feel really bad like he don't like me for me and nothing hurts more then knowing your man don't find u attracting.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): She is being unreasonable. What happened to being honest and open? As long as you can convey your thoughts in a respectful manner what is wrong with that? What kind of subtle hints do you want to drop? Replace all your sodas with diet soda? Fatherly Advice, how can you make so many assumptions? She is the one who spied on him. What is wrong with asking advice from others to best tackle a situation? Would it be wrong to ask people on here on how to ask and help your girlfriend lose weight? The email to the best friend could be someone related to her. Bottom line, he was asking for help on how to deal with the situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): if you wanted to discuss her weight issue you should have gone to the source, not to a friend. the hurt is compounded. first you say she is fat? and then you discuss your thoughts with a friend. ouch.
next time try being a bit more sensitve regarding weight issues.
imagine if you read an email of hers to her friend talking about your incapablities in bed - would hurt and berate you, wouldn't it.
same difference.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): what a superficial prat you are, no wonder she left....let her find a guy who deserves her...God, if you say this now, what would you being saying about her if you married and had kids and she gained baby weight...just disgusting how so many men measure women against the mesia images ...you probably watch too much porn too, dont you!
...............................
A
female
reader, natnatxxx  +, writes (12 August 2009):
 She has invaded your privacy hoping to clear her mind and find absoutley nothing negative, of course shes angry - if i was her i'd be very angry.
Women do not like there bodies to be picked up on, though we frequently do it to men. We hate it back. We relise if a spot is bad or if weve gained a few pounds or if our hair looks shit today. Your suppose to tell us were still lovely with all these faults, just to give us an ego boost. Not the oppsitie.
Your girlfriend is upset, you've went behind her back, which would of hurt her (that you couldnt even admit it to her), and discussed her body issues with your friend (which probably was humilating for her). However i can see why you did it, in way you were giving support, you thought you could find advise to her keep in a healthy shape. And that shows you care. You need to explain this to her, you also need to apologise for going behind her back and that you should of just been open with her about it.
If you manage to work things out you need to find out why she felt the need to invade your privacy, and that you dont want it to happen in the future. Though this may cause some trouble, since her trust for you may be abit off after reading that email.
...............................
A
female
reader, dindestress +, writes (12 August 2009):
 ok well, i promise you that shes mad at the fact that your saying she needs to lose weight behind her back. not that she wants you to do it to her face either, but she probably wouldve prefered for you to drop slight clues about her weight and just let her know you care about her. however, because she read that you said this secretly and hes labeled it as an issue without her regaurd she feels betrayed, and being a woman myself, i know how easily insecure women get about their weight. she just doesnt trust that you apreciate or even like the way she looks anymore, and because it hurts her, she doesnt want to deal with it, thats why she dumped you. if you want to fix this, i suggest you let her know that you care more about her and her personality more then you can ever care about her weight. you're gonna need to gain her trust again, but just make her feel beautiful, and let her know your sorry and that you realized you made a little mistake.hoped i helped alittle xoxo
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 August 2009):
I'm not too sympathetic either. Let me summarize. You don't like people going through your e-mail. She likes going through your e- mail. You like telling people when to lose weight and how to take care of them selves. She doesn't like being told these things and likes to take care of her self (or not) as she pleases.
You two are not compatible. That is why you have a breakup. Probably the best thing for both of you.
Most people don't like to be spied on or bossed (mothered) around. You might want to work on those before starting a new relationship.
FA
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 August 2009):
 You talked to someone else other than her. I understand where you said she violated your trust. From her side, you violated hers too. You didn't accept her for who she is. This additional weight is part of her, therefore you're not accepting her.
The changes she makes to herself, is for her, not to please you by loosing the few pounds. In order to cause change, she has to feel and want the change to increase her sense of self. But who's to say she wasn't happy with the few extra pounds. If she was then your seeking that change for selfish reasons, and not accepting her for just being the girl you love.
There's always a chance of having your email read by someone it's not intended for. My theory is that if you don't want it read, you shouldn't be sending it. Not saying just by her. Someone at your friends might read it and gossip the information, which then later gets back to your girlfriend. And when your with someone and think it'd be beneficial to loose a few pounds, talk directly with them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): Although it's awful that she went through your e-mails, I equally think that it's bad that you said this about her. Imagine how humiliated you would feel if she sent an e-mail to one of her friends saying 'he's amazing, but he needs to lose a stone'...
I think you both need to talk about what you did wrong, her for invading your privacy, and you for saying something which obviously made her feel like crap. Good Luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, purple_butterfly  +, writes (11 August 2009):
well this is not a good enough reason to breakup with sumone. But i can understand why she would be so hurt. Try buying her some roses and talk to her. well you cuda been emailing some other girl , flirting with her. But you were talking to your best frd abt your gf only. Plus you didnt want to hurt her. I am sure youd be able to convince her to come to you. Just try to explain to her that not all guys are honest abt their feelings and i am just telling you what i like. Guys lose interest in girls who keep gaining weight and I love you enough to not let that happen. I did not want to hurt your feelings and wanted to figure out a better way to get this message across to you. and apologize if you want her back
i hope this helps
love!
...............................
|
