A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We all know that marriage is about giving and compromising, but what should I do if the compromise I have to make is against the personal values i hold dear, and I have to give in to demands that don't make sense to me?My newly married wife and I have been having this issue for a while. It seems that she doesn't like it when I'm "nice" to my family, my sister especially. When I am overseas with my wife on a holiday once, I bought my parents and my sister gifts. She was mad about that and we quarelled about this for days. Yes, I found out that she was upset also because during the same trip, I did not buy her a gift but bought 'others' gifts. But hey, we are on the trip together. Don't you only buy things for people back home?The issue seems to be deeper than that. When we communicated further, it seems that my act of buying someone a gift is a sign that someone else is more important to me, than she is (I do buy her gifts occasionally). I know this sense of UTMOST importance means a lot to her (she says that SHE must be the most important person in my life - no one else, including my own parents), but I don't see how the fact that i buy someone else something, means my wife is less important!Thus, it appears to me that I have to often NOT do something to make her happy. Yes I can give in to many things, but I don't see why I should compromise with something like giving gifts? Why should I be forbidden to show love to my own family?And yes, I compromise and will often NOT do these things that will upset my wife, but in doing so I feel so SUPPRESSED. I please my wife, but in the end I become quietly miserable. She wins the day but I suffer in silence...So should marriage still be about 'giving in' to please my wife, if it makes me miserable in doing so? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Jagz901  +, writes (19 August 2009):
RhythmandBlues2, this one is for you: Family as an integral part of an Individual and society has always been a part of US culture or any civilization. Over years along with commercial evolution the self has emerged higher than any other thing.
My statement was already answered by Rhythm. That it is negotiated as an agreement between two values originating form two family upbringing. This is what I meant by two families and not individuals. Good Rhythm you give me the Blues!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): It is obvious what some of the folks have written here are coming through their own "personal filters" around how they would have reacted to your wife having been in your shoes. You can tell which men feel that it is most important to be the one in charge, and that a wife who shows displeasure with you buying gifts for your immediate family on a trip and no one else, clearly has control issues and is selfish and needy.
Is she really? Or are you all talking through your own personal filters.
Marriage is not between two families in the US culture. Marriage is between a husband and a wife. Like all relationships, the marital relationship is "negotiated". You both have two different family of origins, both of your families will have different traditions, even different values. You have to recognize that your wife is a seperate person with different values than you, and she will have to recognize this in you as well.
That is why instead of placing a resentful feelings upon her, try to understand her first, explain yourself to her and come to some emotional closure on this issue. It is a myth that all issues in a marriage have to be resolved, in fact some 90% of them are irresolvable. But on a non important issue like buying gifts for extended family, my suggestion is to decide a new tradition of your own around gift giving.....and if it involves compromise, then grow up and realize she compromises for you, too.
You can be right or you can be happy, which will it be for you?
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A
male
reader, Jagz901 +, writes (12 August 2009):
Your issues seem deeper than they appear. Buying gifts was a thoughtful act on your part and wish your wife would have participated in the buying process because marriage is not between two individuals but two families. You cannot wish away your relatives of years whom you love for someone you have met a few years ago. What would have happened if you would have done the same thing to her. I guess her underlying problem is the need to be given importance to her. Does she crave for attention? This was one act where she didn't get the attention. Maybe there are other acts like tantrums, short temper, trying to be dominating etc. which are outcome of Histrionics: yearning for attention because of not having been given importance as growing up or having a low self esteem. Need to give this relationship a lot of thought on how to deal tactfully otherwise everyday would be an Ordeal (read nagging ;). All the best.
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A
female
reader, Jolin  +, writes (12 August 2009):
 have you discussed with her before you buy your sister and other family the gifts? does she buy her parents or sisters or other family members the gifts just like you do?
You know, i guess the issue may be is not the gift but whether you respect her opinion or not. The 2nd possibilities are how much you spent money for the gifts. You already have family, indeed you have to think about saving for the future..i.e: expenses for kids, or house maintenance, or etc?
I think when she said that your parents less important, is only an anger expression..nothing to take it seriously. I can tell that cos i am a woman. LOL! :D
I guess i can suggest you : First, just listen to her reason. It takes 2 for tango. If she's angry, and you are angry..it will not solve anything.
I dont say, it's wrong to give your parents & sister gift..but try to seek the win-win solution with your wifey.
Good luck! ^_^
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): The way you wrote all this, it seems you are from an Indian or Pak family. I think you should have bought something for your wife too as a memory/keepsake and atleast consulted her before buying gifts for your family. Also, did you buy gifts for her family? If you didn't that would be another reason for her to be disappointed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): You are really going to fail here if you try to present your side as "right" as opposed to her views on the topic.
Instead of being a right fighter with her, try what I suggested and act as a team and negotiate a new traditition concerning extended family and gift giving, that is the "topic" at hand.
The issue at hand is that your wife wants to be reassured that she is no. one to you, and I don't think she really feels that you are choosing your sister over her when buying a gift on a trip, what I think she may be upset over is that you didn't consult with her about it first, period, she sees you as making those kinds of decisions together....that is the issue at hand, so deal with that, not just the topic of gifts....and don't try to be right, try to come to an understanding so that you both feel heard and understood and then find some emotional closure on the issue and move on. Don't make a mountain over a molehill and choose your battles wisely or you are in for a long and painful journey.
Good luck.
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female
reader, busy04 +, writes (12 August 2009):
 I agree with the other guys post they said everything well. I do believe that you need to discuss with your wife how you feel. Marriage isn't just about her, it's about the both of you. And if you doing certain things just to make her happy & you end up not being happy...is not good, that's a straight set up for future problems, and I'm sure you don't want that.
I'm a woman, so I understand her need for your attention & wanting to be the most important person (which she should be)...etc, but there is somewhat a fine line, a limit even with that & your wife (or any other woman) shouldn't take that out of context & get upset over simple things (like the ones you mentioned), she doesn't have to receive something from you EVERY single time you give to others, that's immature & unfair for her to put that pressure on you, she should know that "material" gifts & things don't mean more than your actual love for her (even though you do give her things sometimes & I mean who doesn't want a gift every now & then:), but you catch my drift here. And yes your wife is important but you have a family, that I'm sure you love also, you had them before her and it's more than right for you to show them from time to time. Just talk to your wife & hopefully she'll understand, but she has still has some growing up to do with this subject. Because if things like this are a problem for her now, no telling what other stipulations she may try to put on you concerning you & your family later. So you should really deal with this asap.
I hope everything works out for the best with you & your wife! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): I think when you get married there is a period of adjustment and working out how you will handle things as a couple and a family.
If gift giving is an important issue, rather than one of you giving in totally for the other, try to reach an agreement and emotional closure on this topic.
Decide as a couple on what occassions that gift giving to members of both your families is appropriate.
Personally, I being a grown woman who can buy my own stuff, would not expect my adult sister to buy me a gift on one of her trips to give me for a non occassion. Now if she found something unusual that she thought I would like as a Christmas gift then sure I could see her buying me a gift on a vacation.
What I am saying is every family has different traditions, and this may really be an issue about those differences and the values that you both place on gift giving as a part of those traditions.
Now that you are combining your lives you need to sit down and "negotiate" your own family traditions and how you will handle gifts to extended family. As one's family grows it is often impratical and too costly to buy every one on both sides gifts for all occassions. Really large families draw names at Christmas and handle it that way.
What I am saying is I think there is room for understanding here, seek first to understand her and don't judge her as wanting to be the center of your universe, she may have come accross that way, but I think if you sit down and dig a little deeper this is about handling those family traditions and coming together on that issue.
Try it and see how you do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): I'm speaking from the experience of being with my husband for 18 years, so hopefully I can give you a little bit of insight. My gut instinct tells me that your wife is insecure with herself and with your relationship. I know that sounds crazy, you did marry her after all, but she may be seeing this gift giving to others as a competition for your attention.
You need to look at the relationship your wife has with your family. If she accepts them she should be comfortable with you doting on them a bit. I'm guessing that, even if she doesn't know it, she resents them or feels threatened by them in some way.
As far as compromising and suffering in silence......do not do this to yourself, your wife or your marriage. My husband did this for years and I didn't know it. I knew something was upsetting/disappointing him, but by the time I found out the details, our marriage had suffered seriously.
Even if she yells at you and throws thing, you need to talk to her. You need to sit her down and have a one on one conversation when there is nothing to distract her. Make sure you reassure her from the beginning that you love her and that she is the most important women in your life, but that you heart is big enough to love her and your family as well. Let her know how important they are to you (all the while assuring her of her place in the hierarchy) and how much if would mean to you, how happy you would be, if she could learn to accept that.
I still believe her reaction comes down to insecurity, but without knowing more I can't say more.
Good Luck! Marriage is hard, but communication is the key.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 August 2009):
 I learned From Ellen Kreidmans books That women constantly compare the amount of time, money, attention, etc. that you spend on them to the amount you spend on anything else. Especially time you spend on your mother. It is as if they have a meticulous ledger and always know the balances. So this situation you find yourself in is not unusual, but it does seem a bit extreme. Being newly married you are in a period of adjustment. She is still getting used to you, you are still getting used to you. She may not, herself, understand why she is jealous about the gifts. One thing is certain, She likes gifts. You need to make sure that she knows that you spend more time and emotion choosing her gifts than you do choosing gifts for others. Usually time is much more important than money.
You are suffering as a result of this conflict. Your wife needs to understand that while she is the Most important person in your life, you will be a very unhappy person if she is the only person in your life. She married you as a whole person near 30 years old. Your family is part of that package. Separating you from your family will make you a different person than the one she married. She needs to understand that, and that changing you is not likely to make her happy.
As to "giving in", I still believe that in marriage both partners should give in about 60 - 75% of the time. From your frustration I would guess that she is not giving in? It won't work if you are the only one giving, no matter how much you give and care it will come apart.
One other question, and it is important, did you buy gifts for her mother? her friends and family? (mother is more important).
FA
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 August 2009):
 Should you compromise and ignore those of importance to you. I'd say no. You still hold her at great importance to you. I can, however, see how this unfolds. She wants to be the center of your attention, and doing something for someone else takes away from that. I know your trying to do something nice, and it makes it more difficult when you don't understand why your wife sees this behavior as being appropriate.
I recommend therapy. I think it's important by doing so that your wife is able to understand your being nice to family is not devaluing her, and that your doing so is okay. The only way I can see doing that is with therapy, because what's triggering her feeling the opposite of needs to be brought to the surface and resolved.
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female
reader, purple_butterfly  +, writes (11 August 2009):
Being a girl , I know how irrational we women can get at times. whatever your wife is saying makes no sense to me even though Im a girl myself.I duno if you tried explaining this to her calmly after a nice candle light dinner or outing , so that shes in a good mood while talking about this. but if you already have, theres no use.
Morals and values are somethings that a person shud not give up for any other human on this earth. If you respect your parents and wanna give them gifts, i think your wife should be supportive and be happy as a lot of kids these days do;nt even bother doing that for their families. she should be glad that her husband has such great family values and is so caring. she needs to understand that the gifts were just not from you but were from both of you, as you went on a vacation together. Family is important and if she cannot understand your feelings, try talking to her once or twice, if not, just tell her that you cannot compromise on this. and that this doesn't mean you're less important. i love you a lot but i love my parents a lot too.
i hope this helped.
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