A
male
age
41-50,
*lick
writes:Hello,a year ago my gfriend cheated on me. We broke up for a short period then I forgave her. A year later, now, I discover she is still chatting online with the guy she cheated with. Frankly I want to dump her. It took me some stomach to take her back originally but now again is too much. The real issue is that we have a 2 year old and I am not too sure how to cope with that?
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broke up, cheated on me, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (4 June 2012):
 You do understand the aspects.
All the more reason to formalize access arrangements and spell out some ground rules.
Relying on the 'good nature' of your ex to do the right thing as far as access to your child is a pipe dream and you know that. And expecting her to suddenly become a model parent who never manipulates is just as fanciful and unrealistic.
You need to protect yourself in order to ensure you have regular access to your child. And it helps verify that you do pay child support if it is well documented and is not just a cash transaction.
Even if you write it all out for a lawyer to present to her in written form the ground rules on access, parenting standards and your expectations.
And you do understand the nasty deviousness of a manipulative women.
Maybe even some counselling so you never connect again with a woman whose traits so mirror your own Mom?
Our minds often sabotage choices when it comes to identifying who is 'the one'.
It is why I had to turn my back on the 'normal' i experienced growing up and instead focus on other people whose 'normal' i did admire.
I am so sorry you have had to suffer a toxic partner.
But for the sake of your child you will need to still have contact with you ex to facilitate parent time with your child. So you will get time to impart your values, attitudes and support and father your child. In the end, like you, your child will recognize who the honoravle party is and who is the manipulator.
Best of luck with this.
A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (4 June 2012):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks Abella, for your answer.
I am all for my kid, I which she could move in with me rather then her mother but unfortunately it wont be like that.
I know about parents bad mouthing. My mom always did that about my dad and my dad, a gentleman, never did it. When I was a kid I tought my mom was right, but when I grew I realized how bad was my mom especially for bad mouthing.
What I am worried is that her behaviour might effect my kid.
I discovered via friends she had been paying visits to some guy who has been telling averyone how she blows him off when ever he likes. Really sick stuff.
I begged and threathen her to do what she wants but do it with decent people who do not tell everyone, as I found out via friends also parents of my kid classmates can and act accordingly towars my girl.
Right now we are living together but separated but this cannot go on.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 June 2012):
hi Ulick,
Thank you for the update. You sound more resolved and emotionally strong.
Now you can get on with your life and start afresh.
The 'integrity' of this existing relationship is in complete tatters. And her integrity is zilch. Her game playing is all wrong.
Don't expect her to stop playing games when it comes to access to your child.
Trust is also zilch between the two of you.
With that in mind you should document the accesss arrangements and the support arrangements for how you will support your child in the future. And how contact with your child will be effected.
Your child is not to blame for the behaviour of the adults.
Your child is the innocent party in all this.
Your child has an expectation and a right to want to seek contact with both of their parents.
If you have any doubts about the PATERNITY of your child then deal with that professionally now - through the Courts - where they can formally Order that your child be DNA tested if you have any concerns.
Get that little bugbear out the way so there can be no surprises 5, 10 or 20 years from now.
Contact the Court about how to put all these things in place, so there is a Court record of you seeking access to your child and a record of you offering to provide financial and emotional support for your child.
Because there is no doubt that she will also seek to behave in unacceptable ways in the future. And your child could suffer or be excluded from your life as a result of her actions.
Your child deserves the truth and your support. Your child wants to love both parents.
It will be hard for you to hold your tongue - but try not to bad mouth your current partner in front of nor in the hearing of your child.
Instead focus on building a positive rewarding good relationship with your child. Your child will appreciate your integrity and over time your child will realize why you needed to split with your current partner (and mother of the said child) as eventually your child will see the mother's short-comings for themselves.
All the best for a good future - building a positive relationship with your child as the father of your child.
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (3 June 2012):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys I should have listen to all of you. I forgave her again for talking to the guy but I now caught her cheating again and we broke up a month ago.
When one is a cheater is always a cheater.
The last 2 years since she cheated the first time have been a waste of time, trying real hard to moke things work with a lot of frustration and energy wasted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Congratulations ..You did the right thing..now you will be sad for a little while but in the end you will get a great woman...don't let she use your child against you okay.....pay child support and go to the justice to get your visits days with your child.....congratulations ....you're good guy ...smile a good woman will appear soon...
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (13 January 2011):
 You don't have the balls to stay with her? She doesn't have the respect for you to keep her pants zipped up.
I believe you did the right thing in leaving this woman, she sounds very selfish and only concerned for herself with no regard to anyone else or their feelings.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 January 2011):
She may be accomplished at manipulating men, bur stay strong, she's playing games with you. She'll keep looking, even if you do relent.
It's time to find a genuine reliable girl, who doesn't hurl snide abusive and un-called for remarks. She does not deserve your presence, nor your support, if she thinks it is OK to talk to you like that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): You need to leave her. Your kid will be OK without you two living in the same house. Because really if you stay with her that's all it will be - just two of you living in the same house, nothing deeper than that, it won't benefit the kid. In fact could hurt your kid to be stuck around parents with a tense atmosphere. if you just want someone around to help with childcare duties when you're busy - hire a babysitter.
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (13 January 2011):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast night she tryed to call me all night and after talking a little on the phone I had to hang up as it just went no where.
She said he just talked to him for work reasons to get some info (they do not work together) and so on...well, the brief skype chat I read she was proposing to send him her used underwear and so on mixed with some lame info request excuses.
She then wrote a mail to him putting me in Bcc, where she exaplaned that it was not smart to keep talking even on a professional way and that she apologized but their exchange will end with this.
I don't know you but I find it very ridiculous that she feels the need to apologise to him and so on and so forth and I am even more offended about it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 January 2011):
The moment she said 'you haven't got the balls to say' was the moment I knew you'd made the right decision to leave.
That's your wife, right there in that sentence. Totally self-absorbed.
Trust me, there are billions of better woman out there.
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A
male
reader, Learner.uk +, writes (13 January 2011):
 hi, i know its hard now you have left just look after your self things will get better and you will meet someone fantastic. All the best
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): Could be the man isnt going to be exclusive to her and if he ever does she could leave you anyway.
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (12 January 2011):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys and Gals thanks for your helpful advices. Well tonight I told her I wanted to break it off. Yesterday I told her that I found out that she was chatting still with the guy but tonight I declared I wanted to break up for good.
She did not take it very well. She said it was nothing the chatting, that we are happy together, that I do not have the balls to stay with her.
I feel bad and sad. Somehow it would be so much easier to just carry on as it was so there will be no hard feelings and shed tears. However I wan't to find sincere spouse that I can trust even things get hard.
Tonight I am sleeping at the office and probably will settle here in an empty room for a while.
I can't belive I am where I was exactly a year ago when I broke it up after I found out about the cheating.
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Maybe she thinks you not good enough for her but to me shes like a serial cheater.leave her,she doesnt deserve you.good luck
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A
male
reader, Learner.uk +, writes (12 January 2011):
Hi,
Been in the same position in the past, Best thing to do is to leave her and get on with your life, you are worth more!
Whats the point in thinking your going to be cheated on and staying with her only for it to happen again, Trust me your better off without her, dont contact her again and look after your self enjoy being single for a while untill your heart and mind are fixed, Get out and meet other girls and believe me when the time comes and you meet a new girl or get into a new relationship you will not look back and she will be the one thinking what have I done and you will be looking back and thinking what was I doing!
Dont reply to text's or phone calls from her show her you are a adult and you dont play stupid games, Learn from your mistakes and dont rush into another relationship when you meet someone new just take it easy take your time to check her out and she may or may not be the one but atleast you know!
Also if it does happen again you will not feel as bad as you will know what to do, I have been in several relationships and this has happened twice to me but the second time I did not give in and moved on!
All the best hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Personally I will never trust my husband 100% again because he lied to me in the past about relationships with other women...
If you can't trust her (will you ever be able to trust her now?) it will not end well.
Children do much better in calm homes regardless of if it's a one parent or two parent home. Just because you are not partnered with the mother as a lover, spouse, companion, does not mean you can't be partnered (albeit in separate homes) as parents.
DO NOT STAY with a woman you can't trust just because there are children.
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (12 January 2011):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers.
TO be sincere already a year ago I wanted to dump her and felt it was for the best but the love of my child that was just one, made me stick around.
I am just amazed and dissappointed about this at 33 having to start everything a new is very depressing.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (12 January 2011):
I am sorry that your gf is putting you through this. I would dump her. She cheated on you in the past with this guy and now she is talking to him. Talking isn't cheating, but talking to someone that you cheated with is disrespectful, especially to you.
Talk to a lawyer about where you stand in the laws eyes with your two year old, I'm sure you will get joint custody if that comes down to it. Children need a loving safe space to live and shouldn't have to live in an environment where mommy and daddy are fighting all of the time because of unfaithfulness.
I agree with CaringGuy on this one. Good luck man. Life is short. YOu deserve better.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Chatting isn't cheating, but the point is that you want to leave her. It absolutely shows a lack of respect when she continues to speak to the man she cheated with. You're not happy in this relationship, and she did cheat. You taking her back doesn't mean you have to be ok with what happened, those things will haunt you for years.
I agree with CaringGuy. Although you have a two year old, you are not married to her, and could leave her. You could live close to make taking care of the child easier, but staying in a relationship with her sounds like it would make your nerves fragile and thin and this could end in disaster. Perhaps it's best you leave before she does anything else than chatting, as the fear alone is causing you so much heartache.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): ALEX. Let this woman go,she is no good & definitely not marriage material.She has no respect for you or your child or as a family.Like CaringGuy said,make arrangements & leave this lady.I know it maybe hard for you to do,but its something you have to do.Your child's happiness may depend on it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): I honestly think that CaringGuy had summed it up pretty well. I second his opinion, and I hope you take it seriously for your own sake. There is nothing much left to say / do between the both of you. She had a chance, and believe me not a lot of men are willing to give such a chance. She ruined it. She isn't worthy of you. Period.
The kid will be fine, but for the very sake of the kid, being brought up by separated parents is way better than being brought up in a house full of lies, cheating, and unspoken grudges. Move on mate, and make sure you get a proper legal divorce agreement. She is not worth of full rights as much as she isn't worth of you.
33 / m / Barrister
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 January 2011):
100% dump her. You forgave her once, and all she has done is continue to cheat with the same guy. This woman is worthless to you, and a total liability.
I appreciate you have a child, but you need to ensure that your child has two loving parents who can provide stable homes, rather then an unstable home where one is constantly cheating on the other.
The best advice I can give is that you speak to a lawyer and fin out exactly where you stand in terms of the law. Then make preparations to move, and just be a good father to your child.
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A
male
reader, df30 +, writes (12 January 2011):
Thats not an easy situation but talking with someone she cheated with is dealbreaker for me...The child needs two parents but they need to be happy ones. I have a similar but diff situation so and I know I can't leave my son but if I didn't love his mama I couldn't stick around honestly do you feel it will work?
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