A
male
age
41-50,
*lick
writes:Section breaking up.Hello, I wanna break up with my gfriend for cheating, but I would like to avoid going to a lawyer. We have a 2 year old. I figure if I pay for:100% the apartment they live in including utilities50% the kinder garden50% the nanny (we both work)50% my son living expensesshould be fair?How can I formalize the break up without a lawyer?thanks
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female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Well, if you and your gf can come to an agreement that you both are good with then I don't see why you would need to go to a lawyer as long as you have documentation that you are providing for her and your children (bills and whatnot) so she can't come back later at you for child support. I don't see why you would need one and yes, it is a waste of money.
I'm sure you two will come to an agreeable place with this and if you do, then there is no need for a lawyer.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): Hi there,
Unless you have a significantly higher income than your ex I'd recommend you don't offer to pay for housing - especially if you are both working and she has her own salary.
If you offer to pay for housing now it can become an implied term of a verbal agreement. Ie If you start paying for housing you can potentially get stuck paying for it for the next 16 years....
Make sure you get everything in writing (including how long you intend the arrangement to be running - until your child moves away from home, until he/she reaches 18, forever?...)
There are plenty of organisations that offer free legal advice - do a bit of research.
I'm a trainee solicitor in London so can't really advice on US law...
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Research mediators, and find one who has a reputation for being fair to men. Try to get binding mediation - you're looking for closure, not suggestions.
I'd suggest offering less than you are willing to pay, the bare minimum that you can call "fair" with a straight face. Let her argue you up a bit to think she's won. Otherwise she'll insist on taking it to court, where you will be destroyed.
You might be considered common-law spouses by now. Try to avoid mentioning this to her, since it means that (in simplified terms) she can "divorce" you as if you were married. That's something you'll have to check with a lawyer about for real. A couple hundred bucks now could save you half your income for the next eightteen years.
Other than that, remember that child support cannot be reduced in most states once assigned, unless you've been out of work for six months. So put aside six months worth of child support payments in case that happens, once you've settled on an amount.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 January 2011):
 does your state have court mediators? they are cheaper than lawyers.
If you are not married the only thing to determine is child support.... there are always state guidelines for that. it's based on your salary, her salary and who has primary custody.
You would want to give her the monthly or weekly amount as outlined by the courts....
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (12 January 2011):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi largentsgirl89, thanks for your answer.
I wanted to avoid the layer because its a lot of wasted money since I am sure we can find an aggreement and I am more that willing to provide more then my due share.
Each money transfer I will do by bank wire so its documented.
The kid is both of us and has lived with both of us and now since as I left lives with her mom.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (12 January 2011):
Why don't you want to go to a lawyer?
You might want to go to a lawyer to establish custody, child support (so she doesn't come back at you for it later where you would have to pay back child support).
Your son lives with her? Is he both of your guys' son or just yours?
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