A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been talking(texting) to this guy i met online for about a month. He told me he was divorced and had 2 girls and I didn't mind at all.........I love kids and I too am divorced so.... Today I met him for the first time and during conversation I found out that he is actually still married and has been separated from his wife for 12 years. I don't know how to feel about this, I feel like he wasn't completely honest and I am scared that if I continue to get to know him and start liking him more and things will lead to intimacy I will be an adulteress and I will not be doing the right thing. My friend said that I was too prudish and stuck in the 18th century. Am I wrong to be hesitant to date a man with unfinished business? Am I being too picky because I am looking for a SINGLE man with or with kids and just can't get involved in any way with a man who isn't completly divorced?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Kilcardy  +, writes (8 January 2011):
I think your instincts are on target. I would be very wary of getting too involved with someone who is not honest right off the bat, and whose domestic situation is a bit dodgy.
A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 They both feel they can still ask each other to do things even though they have and live other lives - until the final step of letting go is processed via way of divorce,in thier subconscious minds they are still married, still binded, makes no sense really especially considering 12 yrs has past, but mentally they are still tied to each other - neither of them have let go 100%.
Considering you have not long met this person I wonder with all these thoughts going througgh your mind it best to leave before it starts? Seems way to hard for something that is just starting out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much.............He is not religious and he said that they broke up because his wife found herself a bf and his wife and this new guy moved in together and wanted to get married so he didn't get a divorce because "he wasn't going to pay for her to be able to remarry". The weird thing is that since they live in different cities he goes there pretty often to visit the girls(understandably) but apparently whenever his wife finds out that he is in town he calls him up and gives him all these errands to do...........it sounds to me like she still treats him like her husband and i even said this to him and he just laughed it off
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 This is not a matter of being prudish vs, being forward thinking.
This is a matter of knowing what you want, and it sounds you do.
You said you want a single guy, this guy is not single but still married,so he does not fit the bill ( btw it would be interesting to know why he never got around to divorce after 12 years ).
I am not saying the guy must be necessarily a bad person or a player, he may have his own good reasons for this arrangement, but I think you are very very wise in being hesitant.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur +, writes (8 January 2011):
There is a fine line here. He did stretch the truth by saying he was divorced when he isnt.Not a good way to start a new freindship?
Maybe he feels divorced..maybe its the money? no matter, whatever his excuse, He has not dealt with the legalities.
12 years is plenty long enough to sort things out.
You have to stay true to you. Some women dont care while others see it as an affair which in my opinion is rediculous--its been 12 years well so he says anyway hopefully this is true?
Stay true to you, if it is bothersome then dont see him anymore. As I always say go with your inner gut feeling.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): You didn't tell us what religion he is. Traditionally divorce is against the moral view of Catholics. So if he is Catholic and deeply religious he may feel divorce is unacceptable. In Italy (overwhelmingly Roman Catholic), divorce has only been legally available since 1974.
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A
female
reader, Merilee +, writes (8 January 2011):
I think the thing here is why is he still married ?
I had a friend, although they were seperated, had new significant others, moved on, in no way shape or form were they together. Except for the medical benefits. That was the only reason was to keep the entire family ( the kids included ) on the benefit plan.
I have another friend, a male, also seperated, over 11 years, she even lived in another state, they just never got around to it, and probably hadnt talked in as many years.
If he tells you he is seperated/divorced, and he lives his life as though he is, I dont see a serious problem here. You are also at the early stages of any kind of relationship, and one day, when he thinks you are ready, or he is ready, then he will tell you.
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A
female
reader, Lilylove1 +, writes (8 January 2011):
That is not prudish at all! You are wise and careful. If he really didn't want his wife he would divorce her. Intimacy at this stage still would be considered an affair. Kudos to you! I'd suggest telling him you aren't comfortable seeing him while he is married- and that's THAT.
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