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male
age
51-59,
*C123
writes:I am 44 and have been happily married for 10 years. I have no children of my own, but my wife has a daughter from a previous marriage. I love her to death and raised her as my own since she was 6 years old. She is now 16, turning 17 in 2 monthsEverything was good and we had the perfect family, but i am now struggling with something secretly and it is making me extremly guilty and sick. I recently walked in on my daughter(i call her that even though she is not biologicaly my real daughter)having sex. At first I was extremely upset, talked to my wife about it, then we had the big "talk" with our daughter... As days passed, i couldnt get the image of my daughter having sex out of my head. When i see her around the house, i look at her diffrently now. It got to the point where i have masturbated a few times while thinking about her and even fantasized about her while having sex with my wife... The last time i did this, i felt so guilty and sick to my stomach afterwards that i litterly got sick and threw up...I have sinced tried to distance myself from my daughter.. I dont talk to her very much, keep my distance and cold around her. This is difficult as we used to have a really close realationship.. This also has my wife angry.. she wants to know why i am pushing our daughter away.. I do not know what to do, and i know i defintly cant talk to my wife about this... I want to have the same relationship with my daughter that we had in the past, but I also want to stop thinking about her in a sexual way... if anyone has any insight or help it would be much appreciatied... Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Generalcampbell  +, writes (2 March 2015):
Forget the sex. Remember the six year old that called you daddy. I meet my step daughter at 3. She now has a reputation around town at 13. Just be a dad. Blood doesn't make family, hugs do.
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reader, graham 777  +, writes (11 June 2011):
First i would like to say hello to you and thank you for reading what i have put.Yes that should be the end of the conversation its your daughter she trusts you looks up to you yes she is amazing yes she is having sex with her boyfrend you're her dad step dad or what ever you are to her.Deep down you know the feelings you have are wrong, however powerfull they are. Love and protect you daughter that's what dads do. Be there when she needs you.Young minds need a positive mind to carry on with their life. Think on that.
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reader, Bee4ever +, writes (22 October 2010):
I read your update and was a bit disturbed by your daughters behavior. Please take what I am going to say next with a grain of salt. I believe your step daughter might be aware of her effect on you. She is young and discovering her sexuality. She may be enticed by the idea of causing an effect on men. Her misdirected affection of wanting to sit on your lap at her age is not appropriate behavior. There are things that as a parent you need to discuss with her mother. This need for overaffection may be one of them. Perhaps a family counselor can help put your dynamic back in place. Your daughter might need the insight and guidance of a professional to figure out why she is behaving this way. A group therapy session may be something she might protest out in the open but secretly she may have some things she needs to sort out and would like to talk about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): It's a bit strange her sitting on your lap at her age anyway. You should push her away if she sat on your lap either way, whether you have these feelings or not. A teenage girl should know better/know she's too big for that sort of thing.
I'm glad you never told your wife the complete truth. Seriously, it's for the best. I hope the counselling helps you. I wish you the best of luck.
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reader, BC123 +, writes (18 October 2010):
BC123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for all the advice and support. I just thought I'd give an update as to what has been going on.First, I talked to my wife, I told her i needed therapy/counseling because i am having a hard time dealing with seeing our daughter having sex and it was tramatizing for me. I did NOT mention any sexual aspect of my feelings. She becaming more understanding about my behaviour latley and supported my decision to seek counseling.As for the thoughts and relationship with my daughter.. I think things have gotten slightly better. Over the weekend we spent some quailty time together doing things that we used to do togeter when she was younger. We decorated our house for halloween, went to Fright Nights, which is a bunch of haunted houses and we went ice skating.. It felt good... like i had my little girl back. She seemed to have a good time as well... The problem is she really affectionate since we had that talk. She gives me lots of hugs and wants to be close and sit on my lap like when she was younger when we watch tv... This is not good for me as i get erections and I have to push her off/away so she doesnt notice them.. Its uncontrolable, i feel like a teeneager again...
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reader, Bee4ever +, writes (16 October 2010):
I think the one thing you are not doing because of your guilt is being a father to her. What I mean by that is that if i was younger and lounging around in a towel or skimpy outfits my parents would have had a talk with me. You need to refocus your thoughts and let her know (or have your wife tell her) that sex is not condoned around the house nor is clothing that is skimpy. This will hopefully help with some of the issues. The more parenting you do with this child the more you will distance yourself from your fantasies. At her age she needs structure and hopefully you can lnstill good values in her that will help your father/daughter bond grow and replace the other memories you currently have. Under no circumstances should you share your thoughts with your wife or daughter. If counseling is needed explain to your wife that you are trying to find the right balance to parent and be a better husband now that your daughter is growing up. Good luck.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (15 October 2010):
 For the cost of counseling, normally I wouldn't say lying is EVER the best course of action, but in this case, I'd tell your wife that you feel traumatized by walking in on her or something along those lines. Nothing good can come from telling your wife the truth. It will just make everything worse. But you really need therapy. You're beating yourself up over this, and you are throwing away your relationship with your daughter.
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (15 October 2010):
 I am glad you handled things the way you did with your daughter, sitting her down and talking to her calmly was a step in the right direction. I can only suggest you sit your wife down now and tell her that you need counselling, you just cannot tell her what it is for and that it has nothing to do with her. Tell her you love her and tell her that you are doing this so you can be a better husband.
As for the erections, you have to remember mind over matter. You have to keep telling yourself that it is not okay for you to think about her this way. Like I said, try and replace that memory or those thoughts, have a thought that you can go back to, perhaps a memory that reminds your very heart and soul who this young girl is to you. Your daughter. Though not by blood, she is still every bit as much a part of you as she is a part of her mother because you raised her, you undoubtedly taught her about life, gave her advice and did what any caring father would. The suggestions here should still work, I especially though well of that one poster who suggested flipping through a family album to when she was a little girl just to remind you of your place in her life. Mind over matter, you are not your penis, you are not a bad person just because you got an erection when she hugged you. I am almost certain every man on the planet has had erection after simply slightly rubbing up against the smooth material of his trousers or pants. So do not judge yourself too harshly, you are still a good father. Just look at how you are facing this, you are trying and that is all anyone can ask. You know this is wrong and you are taking steps to act against it. Just shift your thoughts so you can be a good father to your daughter again.
I hope that helps.
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reader, BC123 +, writes (15 October 2010):
BC123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice everyone, it has been very helpful. I sat down and had a talk with my daughter. I explained to her that i was just busy with work and such and thats why i have been so distant with her. She started to cry and asked if it was becasue i caught her having sex and if i was mad at her. She said that she felt like i disapointed her and said that she was sorry. I assured her that that was not the case and then i started to cry as well...I dont want to push her away, but i feel that it is neccessary.
I think i will seek profesional help/counseling. Untill then though, it's still difficult. She wears her teen outfits, and shes lounges around in towels after showers. This morning she gave me a hug and i got an erection. I feel so ashamed and guilty, I am breaking down, there is tension with my wife and she is wondering what is going on with me. The only problem with counseling is trying to explain the cost to my wife and explaining where i am during the cousuling sessions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): I'm sorry to hear that, but appreciate your honesty. It's OK for your relationship to change, it's Ok to start pulling away. Your wife needs to understand this and if she doesn't, she's naive. My husband came into our lives when my daughters were 3 and 7, although he never walked in on them having sex, I could see that watching them parade around in their skimpy teenage outfits and wrapped in towels after a shower made him feel uncomfortable, which I would hope would be the case for any dad. I forced the girls to cover-up at all times and they felt their freedom had been taken away but the temptation was gone and I explained to them that as they get older they have to be more careful about their flirtatious ways. My husband was never the heavy disciplinarian, so they always looked to him as the rock and solace of their mama's wrath, this made it easy for them to love up on him and he adores them but he never got repulsed by their growing and maturing, as many fathers do, because they can't imagine their own daughters ever growing into a woman or having sex. Growing up means growing apart sometimes, just do it slowly and casually. You can still be supportive but the 10 years of loving hugs and smooches should probably end. Plus, learn to control the images in your mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Do not ever tell your wife or daughter about this. Your daughter sees you as a father figure, you will be taking this away and the protectiveness you should be giving her against the world. Yes it is very wrong. You have brought this child up since she was 6 years old, it is not like you came into the house when she was 16 and an grown woman. You were a father too her, really is quite sick what has happened inside your head.
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reader, De LuV DOCTOR  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 This Life is a Teacher the more we live de more we learn..maybe it that the Great Teacher wants to teach you something new..which is, how to control your thoughts and imaginations. is high time you learn how to control your thoughts.cause every positive step u make towards controlling your thoughts and imaginations is a step towards solving your problem..
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reader, kewuoygy +, writes (13 October 2010):
This is one of those horrors that one never sees coming. Once you got this image sticking in your head, you could never see yourself as the kind of father to a daughter you've always loved. Now she is turned into a sexual object. I agree with the other commentators that you will need to see a professional counselor. I don't want to be too Freudian about this, but our unconscious mind has a way of playing tricks with us. Perhaps, when a man doesn't father a biological daughter, it's easier to have these kinds of fantasies.
I also agree that you should just keep these fantasies to yourself, if you cannot completely get rid of them. Never tell your wife about this. Otherwise, it could wreck your marriage. And if anybody else knows about this, you'll live with a stigma that you will never be able to shrug off. People who don't understand your struggle wouldn't be that forgiving.
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reader, Miss.Me +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Sometimes our mind makes us think thoughts we know we shouldn't, especially when uncomfortable situations are involved (sort of like laughing in a sad situation), I guess as a coping mechanism. You saw your daughter (doesn't matter whether she's biologically yours or not) having sex and that's not an easy thing for any parent to witness. Heck, children are affected too when they see their parents having sex.
You realize your thoughts and actions are wrong involving your daughter. That's reassuring. Now we just have to stop these inappropriate thoughts and urges from popping up. I believe and hope that things will go back to normal once the shock of the event wears off, but for now keep in mind that it's your DAUGHTER you are thinking sexually of and how hurt she will be if she loses a trustable father figure.
Your daughter has grown up and it's expected that she will start having sex; everyone has sex. You need to think of this (your daughter having sex) as a normally biological thing to happen and not as a thing that excites you. Whenever you start thinking the inappropriate thoughts, instantly make a more unpleasant thought come into your mind. Hopefully that will stop that.
Remember, you are her father. Fathers are there to protect, love, and teach their children.
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reader, Nime +, writes (13 October 2010):
 All the others here have given you good advice: the best course of action would be to seek professional counseling. I just want to STRESS that your thoughts are only 'wrong' because you cannot think such things about your daughter and still function as a family; these thoughts do NOT make you 'wrong' as a person! While your disgust and aversion to these thoughts are useful in getting rid of them, know that they are biologically normal and many of us in your situation would fall victim to the same. Nobody is judging you or thinking you're a creep! In fact, I admire you for being such a good (step) father to your daughter that you'd own up to your somewhat embarrassing predicament and seek help. I hope you get through this!
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reader, person12345 +, writes (13 October 2010):
No don't talk to your wife. You need to seek professional help so you can get your relationship with your daughter back to normal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): I agree with Birdy and C.Grant. You should NOT tell your wife and you should seek professional counceling as soon as you can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): By all means, for goodness sake, or for whatever reason possible, do not EVER tell your wife about this.
I can't imagine how hard this must be for you as you've classed this girl as your actual daughter and watched her grow up. But as soon as you've literally seen her in a sexual way something's triggered your mind off forcing you to have these sexual thoughts about her -- Reminding you she's NOT your 'biological' daughter.
If you were capable to have these thoughts, you have the capability to shift them. Yes, it can be extremely hard sometimes I know, but it CAN be done. Some need help, some don't.
As soon as you have these thoughts, you need to INSTANTLY think of something completely different, something innocent perhaps. Maybe punishing yourself once you do it, like not doing something you really love once you have these thought, pinch yourself really hard, train yourself. You just NEED to remind your brain who this girl is again, tell yourself it's 'YOUR' little girl, the one you brought up who you 'love to death'. Maybe have a look at an old photo album of her when she was little and the pair of you together when she was young, or you lot as a family. Tell yourself she's your REAL daughter.
I think the counselling idea's a great idea, also. I think that will help you really well and for good!
Good luck.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Your job as a father doesn't end when a daughter becomes a sexual being. What advice do you have for her regarding relationships? This is your house and you have to tell her what's acceptable, what's not. One of the biggest reasons teenagers shouldn't have sex is because there is no acceptable venue for doing it. Your silence only tells her that it's okay as long as no one finds out, and that you don't care she has a boyfriend. Have a heart to heart talk to her. What does it mean for you that your daughter grows up? Something that a Dad did was give his daughter a ring at the age of 15. She is to wear it on her right hand ring finger. He said to her boyfriends come and go. Her wedding ring could be gone one day, but that the love between father and daughter would be there forever. When you realize you can face your daughter and actively take the role of father, you will stop fantasizing because you and her aren't equals. Your wife could sense that something's wrong and that you are hiding things from her. You don't have to tell her the gruesome details about your fantasies. Show her that you are the man and you can resolve any conflict. Remind her how much you are attracted to her. Take her to a romantic dinner. She's angry that you are withdrawn because she's worried about her daughter but you seem to be indifferent to it, when she needs you to reinforce household rules, be a father, a team player and to reassure everything will be fine.
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reader, birdynumnums +, writes (13 October 2010):
 thinking, not thing.
Biologically, in the wild, a lion kills the mates cubs from previous lions, so they never deal with the tricky issues of raising another lions cub. We like to think that we are more evolved, but it is often thankless and fraught with difficulties. My hat is off to men AND women who step-up-to-the-plate and step-parent.
I actually think it's very hard to step-parent biologically, and you shouldn't be shooting yourself in the foot or eating your heart out over the fact that you have this picture stuck in your head - BUT - (it's a big but), you can't just get a pat answer and expect to move along unless you talk this out one-on-one with someone and get some guidance and reassurance.
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reader, birdynumnums +, writes (13 October 2010):
OOoooooh, NO, don't tell your wife. Get some counseling. These answers have been brilliant, BTW.
Until you can get into a counselor, Use Aversion Therapy. Put an elastic band around your wrist and snap it every time the thought comes into your head. We can control our thoughts, and as it's been said, you have obligations to this child as her parent. Talking ourselves out of ANY type of negative thing patterns and controlling our own actions is what grown ups do.
Be careful what you Think, Thoughts become Words.
Be careful what you Say, Words become Actions.
Be careful what you Do, Actions will Define your Character.
...and Your Character will Determine your Destiny.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): There is nothing intrinsically wrong with seeing a pubescent woman in a sexual light. She is not your daughter, and you have no biological ties whatsoever.
Nor is it wrong to occasionally have fantasies play out in your head whilst having relations with you wife. Though I don't condone your choice of fantasy here. Pick some porn star or a celebrity or something like everyone else.
So long as you don't forget the obligations you have sworn to, as a father to this girl, then you should be okay.
Most fantasies, whoever they involve, are best kept that way... as fantasies.
Flynn 24
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reader, ChaseTerrier +, writes (13 October 2010):
It sounds like, and hopefully I am right, you do not want there to be anything going on between you and your daughter. That is good.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 The easy very difficult solution to your problem is to continue to do what you have been doing.
Don't focus on what is bad, but what is good: you are entertaining thoughts about your daughter, which come from your seeing her have sex, but, at the same time, you are aware that giving in to those ideas would be absolutely wrong, and you are acting to avoid it. You are aware that this is wrong. I take it that you are mature enough to know that you must not act on everything that comes to your mind.
If you keep doing the right thing, eventually your problem will go away.
Yes, you definitely can't talk to your wife about this.
If you fear things will get out of hand, move out.
Hope this helps.
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (13 October 2010):
It will be hard but you have to try and push those images away. Most people see things they wish they could 'un-see' because it is so terrible. What worked for me was, I replaced the image with something else, that way, whenever I was reminded of it, my replacement image would come up instantly instead of the actual one. Like I said, it will be difficult but at least it will give you a chance to rekindle things with your daughter.
I hope that helps.
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (13 October 2010):
 You accepted the role as this child's parent. That brings with it a number of obligations, some of which can't be foreseen.
Your daughter does not and cannot know what's going on in your head (nor should she, EVER). What she sees is her father rejecting her because she has become a sexual being. That is not a healthy thing for her -- it could lead to hang-ups that interfere with her development as an adult with a well-adjusted attitude toward sex. As such, it is essential that you work your issues through, and quickly.
I strongly suggest professional counselling, and quickly. You are quite right -- how you are thinking is wrong on so many levels. Work it through with a professional and get it OUT of your head. And work with the counsellor about how you can talk to your daughter to explain your withdrawal from her in a way that reassures her without giving her the creepy TMI.
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